Evening guys. I just discovered this thread, and I'm glad I found it.
I don't like to share this with many people, but since no one here knows me IRL, maybe it'll be good to take this off my chest:
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was in deep depression three years ago, went to a psychiatrist and discovered it. Since I was a kid I felt like there was something wrong with me; bouts of anger followed by episodes of depression without reason have haunted me since ever.
It all started when my first girlfriend broke up with me. I was still imature, and the reasons for it left me very confused. I did bad things to myself - cutting, drinking, smoking - trying to ease my pain, without sucess. Depression got me pretty bad - in some weeks I couldn't even leave my apartment.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I was reluctant to consult with a Doctor before beating a guy who insulted me in a grocery store pretty bad - maybe because it would worry my parents(both Doctors) and friends. They still don't knwo anything about it, it's my most precious secret.
I had to start taking meds and attending to therapy sessions. It was... hard. Opening yourself like a book to some stranger it's a weird experience. But I did and still do. To prevent me for doing anything to anyone - including myself. I got better, start to date again and BAM... new girlfriend.
This relationship was more serious; she practically lived with me - at that time I lived alone in an apartment. And as she had come, she left. Her reasons hurt me very much, though. She said with all the words she couldn't tolerate being with me - that I was cold, bitter, selfish, had a lot of manias and wasn't her "prince in shiny armor". I retired to my solitary shell, then. I thought I was getting better - I was certain! But then my world started to crumble again, not because of her, but because I've lost all my self-confidence again. I couldn't eat, work, study... All I did was sleep. There were times I couldn't even rise from bed - the depression nightmare all again.
I don't know how I overcame all of that. I just gave up from trying to control my feelings and threw them away. I became workaholic, obsessed with every article, every exam, every book. I'm still like that today.
I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I don't have dreams, aspirations of any kind anymore. I feel like I'm in a waking coma; I can't enjoy anything. When I try to cry, the tears don't come out. The anger, though, continues - no one that knows me well enough wants to stay close to me when I'm furious.
I wish I could be normal and happy, even though I try to achieve happiness in my own way. But I still haven't found even a clue of what I'm looking for.