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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 101982 times)

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Offline Adammair

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #800 on: January 01, 2013, 09:11:34 AM »
Happy New Year, one and all! Let's make 2013 the best it can be, in every way!

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #801 on: January 08, 2013, 03:15:34 AM »
Sybl, Athos, Silver and everyone else-

Thank you for sharing your stories and the fact that you're struggling. Depression is such a horrible, terrible thing. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I struggle with it too and some days it feels like just drawing the next breath and continuing to exist is the toughest battle.

I found a video of this amazing poem and even though it's labelled for Anxiety I think it applies pretty well to depression or any mental illness. Hopefully it'll give a laugh and some strength.

Catalina Ferro performs "Anxiety Group"

Remember that you all are warriors fighting a battle that goes unseen. The strength to do so day-in and day-out is by far, amazing by itself.

Thank you for sharing this Imriel, it was worthy of watching. I hope others will watch it too.


I am not typing this to tell you that you dont need the Psychologist....I am not saying that you do not need the meds....My situation cant possibly be the same as any of yours any more than my fingerprint can but. I am typing this to let you know....that there can be an end to it my friends....It can be a long hard road out of hell but the happiness can come back...Hang in there....keep telling people about how you are feeling and tell the rest of the world who looks down on you to fuck off.  I wish I had a place like this when I was working through my demons...I am happy to help you work through yours!

Have a great day!
Tuku
Thank you for sharing Tuku!

Happy New Year my lovelies! Love you all!
Happy New Year.. a little late.

*leaves hugs to all who want them and need them*

Online Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #802 on: January 08, 2013, 07:16:17 PM »
*leaves hugs to all who want them and need them*

*Takes some hugs and gives some in return*


Offline band in the rain

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #803 on: January 11, 2013, 03:16:18 PM »
I've been dealing with it much of my life but in the past few years more than any other point. It more or less is normal after you have it long enough, replacing ones worldview. A pain to be sure, and one that only seems to fade when I ignore it and let it recede through distraction.  It's early to say so, but I'd consider that distraction is likely the name of the game, especially nowadays. There are just too many legitimate sources of stress to really fix things, it seems.

Offline Ariabella

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #804 on: January 13, 2013, 10:08:50 PM »
*hugs to all* *goes back to my dark little corner*

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #805 on: January 14, 2013, 03:06:07 AM »
leaves good thoughts and hugs for all.

Online Modern Fairy Tale

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #806 on: February 02, 2013, 10:49:29 PM »
I feel so heavy recently.  Things are just not as bright... not as real or meaningful... hell, even sex seems about as appealing as slogging through mud.  I keep trying to find meaning in what I do... to 'sparkle through' I guess 'Starbrite' or some other happy sprite would chirp in youre ear to keep you going... but nothing seems to color anything anymore.  And with the color all the meaning seems to have bled away as well.

Like Morpheus says, "Welcome to the Desert."

I dont know what to do anymore.  Ive posted here a few times... most of the time with words of wisdom for whoever was sailing under a black wind right then.  Ive tried bettering myself.  Ive tried taking medication.  My pills made me jittery (I never noticed, but my hands shook or something) and I ended up losing my internship.  I feel so deeply flawed.  Ive stoped taking my medication.  I feel that this depression is part of me... maybe fighting it and trying to do something outside of your 'scope' is just doomed.

I feel like Im in some kind of 'Waiting Room' now.  Ive lost my financial aid... so probably no more college for me... and with over a 3.9 GPA.  I feel like Im the one sailing under a black wind... actually right now, it seems all I see around me is black winds.  Damn, thats dramatic.

Its not really that bad... Im not about to break out into a 'romeo and juliet' monologue and kill myself or anything.  Its just... nothing seems to sparkle anymore.  My hobbies... my personal projects... my stories online here... none of it satiates me.  I just feel adrift.  Just typing these words seems so profound to me right now... so heavy in thier own significance... as I finally admit whats been weighing me down for a few months now.

I guess Ill shut up about now.  I feel cheesey enough just admitting all of this.  I know there is nothing you can type out that will really make this any better... but Im not sure what is the right thing to do right now.  I send these words in a post in a bottle and launch it off into the internet... maybe the cosmos or the universal conscienceness or something else will hear me and understand somehow.

What else can I ask for...

Offline ElusiveM00se

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #807 on: February 05, 2013, 02:35:09 PM »
I feel so heavy recently.  Things are just not as bright... not as real or meaningful... hell, even sex seems about as appealing as slogging through mud.  I keep trying to find meaning in what I do... to 'sparkle through' I guess 'Starbrite' or some other happy sprite would chirp in youre ear to keep you going... but nothing seems to color anything anymore.  And with the color all the meaning seems to have bled away as well.

Like Morpheus says, "Welcome to the Desert."

I dont know what to do anymore.  Ive posted here a few times... most of the time with words of wisdom for whoever was sailing under a black wind right then.  Ive tried bettering myself.  Ive tried taking medication.  My pills made me jittery (I never noticed, but my hands shook or something) and I ended up losing my internship.  I feel so deeply flawed.  Ive stoped taking my medication.  I feel that this depression is part of me... maybe fighting it and trying to do something outside of your 'scope' is just doomed.

I feel like Im in some kind of 'Waiting Room' now.  Ive lost my financial aid... so probably no more college for me... and with over a 3.9 GPA.  I feel like Im the one sailing under a black wind... actually right now, it seems all I see around me is black winds.  Damn, thats dramatic.

Its not really that bad... Im not about to break out into a 'romeo and juliet' monologue and kill myself or anything.  Its just... nothing seems to sparkle anymore.  My hobbies... my personal projects... my stories online here... none of it satiates me.  I just feel adrift.  Just typing these words seems so profound to me right now... so heavy in thier own significance... as I finally admit whats been weighing me down for a few months now.

I guess Ill shut up about now.  I feel cheesey enough just admitting all of this.  I know there is nothing you can type out that will really make this any better... but Im not sure what is the right thing to do right now.  I send these words in a post in a bottle and launch it off into the internet... maybe the cosmos or the universal conscienceness or something else will hear me and understand somehow.

What else can I ask for...


It's been a few days since you wrote this, but I hope today sees you in a better place.

I'm very new to this community, but I wanted to add a voice to this thread. There is strength to be found here, as both readers and posters.

That you chose to write and share with us is an encouraging first step. Thank you for doing so. It's not always pretty, but it needs to come out. It's okay to not know what to do sometimes. It's okay to de-stress, vent, rant and get some of the negativity out. You can't hurt the internet with it, but you can do yourself great harm by keeping it inside.

It sounds like you're an intelligent person. This is your strongest asset, and your biggest hurdle. I know I always want to think things over, then re-think it over, analyze it to death some more, and then again for good measure, before coming to any kind of conclusion.

Sometimes, I've found that simple distractions are the best way to break myself out of a "negative feedback" loop. TV shows, video games, etc. And by distractions, I think I really mean "escapes."

In conclusion - color and shine can come back. You're not alone. Not here, anyway.

Online Modern Fairy Tale

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #808 on: February 10, 2013, 08:23:32 AM »
I appreciate the response, ElusiveM00se.  I feel kind of silly writing that up now.  It feels like something a thirteen year old might yell out before slamming the door shut and cranking up the Justin Beiber or something.  "The world is so unfairl.  OMG."

In all seriousness, thanks.  Yeah, Im starting to reach an equilibrium.  I have a job starting up, I have a few good stories going on here, I guess I have a few anchors down and so I dont feel so stormtossed.

Peace.  Thanks for the rant time.  Hope Valentine's Day is kind to you.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #809 on: February 10, 2013, 01:46:51 PM »
I wouldn't 'feel silly' about posting things like that, MFT.  Sometimes, we all need to 'shout into the void' just to test for echo.  You may want to talk to whoever prescribed your earlier meds about the jitters - my sister-in-law took several tries before her doctors found the right combination/levels for her.  Good to hear about the new job, too!

Offline Ariabella

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #810 on: February 13, 2013, 07:53:10 PM »
So I'm sitting here in tears after yet another horrendous doctor experience. None of the non-vascular doctors understand anything about lymphedema, they can't grasp that my weight comes from the lymphedema, they can't grasp the lympehema is causing chronic pain and muscle problems that cause me not to be able to do anything I used to do. Instead I'm told exercise, go lose weight, stop concentrating on what you can't do. Everything I read on line is only mild to moderate exercise and that exercise can be VERY DANGEROUS for a lymphedema patient. I tell the doctor that when my hand starts hurting I can't even hold anything...she tells me to go lift weights. That I have to make lifestyle changes. I feel like I'm being told we don't believe you're in pain, it's all caused by your weight and go exercise and not keep your legs elevated until you finally drop dead from it. I'm tired of wasting money and time with these doctors who don't understand. (this one was a rheumatologist).

I need a vascular doctor and can't get one. There are two in my area that treat lymphedema and they don't accept the health plan I'm on. Disability won't take a general practitioner. I know my doctor was trying for fibromyalgia...the rheumatologist says it's not that. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all. Of everything. It's just too much of a fight that I'm never going to win. So I'll just go to my job that pays so little that my food stamp review actually came back that after expenses I have NO income at all, I'll overwork myself until my body just quits.

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #811 on: February 15, 2013, 03:04:02 AM »
So I'm sitting here in tears after yet another horrendous doctor experience. None of the non-vascular doctors understand anything about lymphedema, they can't grasp that my weight comes from the lymphedema, they can't grasp the lympehema is causing chronic pain and muscle problems that cause me not to be able to do anything I used to do. Instead I'm told exercise, go lose weight, stop concentrating on what you can't do. Everything I read on line is only mild to moderate exercise and that exercise can be VERY DANGEROUS for a lymphedema patient. I tell the doctor that when my hand starts hurting I can't even hold anything...she tells me to go lift weights. That I have to make lifestyle changes. I feel like I'm being told we don't believe you're in pain, it's all caused by your weight and go exercise and not keep your legs elevated until you finally drop dead from it. I'm tired of wasting money and time with these doctors who don't understand. (this one was a rheumatologist).

I need a vascular doctor and can't get one. There are two in my area that treat lymphedema and they don't accept the health plan I'm on. Disability won't take a general practitioner. I know my doctor was trying for fibromyalgia...the rheumatologist says it's not that. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all. Of everything. It's just too much of a fight that I'm never going to win. So I'll just go to my job that pays so little that my food stamp review actually came back that after expenses I have NO income at all, I'll overwork myself until my body just quits.

*hugs*

Offline Ariabella

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #812 on: February 15, 2013, 04:32:57 AM »
*hugs*

Offline ElusiveM00se

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #813 on: February 15, 2013, 06:20:12 AM »
So I'm sitting here in tears after yet another horrendous doctor experience. None of the non-vascular doctors understand anything about lymphedema, they can't grasp that my weight comes from the lymphedema, they can't grasp the lympehema is causing chronic pain and muscle problems that cause me not to be able to do anything I used to do. Instead I'm told exercise, go lose weight, stop concentrating on what you can't do. Everything I read on line is only mild to moderate exercise and that exercise can be VERY DANGEROUS for a lymphedema patient. I tell the doctor that when my hand starts hurting I can't even hold anything...she tells me to go lift weights. That I have to make lifestyle changes. I feel like I'm being told we don't believe you're in pain, it's all caused by your weight and go exercise and not keep your legs elevated until you finally drop dead from it. I'm tired of wasting money and time with these doctors who don't understand. (this one was a rheumatologist).

I need a vascular doctor and can't get one. There are two in my area that treat lymphedema and they don't accept the health plan I'm on. Disability won't take a general practitioner. I know my doctor was trying for fibromyalgia...the rheumatologist says it's not that. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all. Of everything. It's just too much of a fight that I'm never going to win. So I'll just go to my job that pays so little that my food stamp review actually came back that after expenses I have NO income at all, I'll overwork myself until my body just quits.

*hugs, offering e-bacon?* :)

Offline Ariabella

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #814 on: February 15, 2013, 06:47:01 AM »
*hugs, offering e-bacon?* :)

*accepts*

*hugs*

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #815 on: February 25, 2013, 02:44:24 PM »
For anyone reading this thread who feels suffocated by loneliness and hopelessness, who is contemplating taking any kind of action to hurt themselves, I would urge you that, before you do, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

As long as you're still alive, there is always hope.  You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Offline Sylk

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #816 on: March 01, 2013, 02:49:29 AM »
A year ago January I lost my mom.  In many ways, I'd lost her long ago to alcohol and her own demons. She'd battled 2 different cancers, had brittle bones and just about 2 weeks after she'd been diagnosed with a third type of cancer, her spinal vertibrae shattered, threw a clot and she was gone.  I miss her.  I should probably miss her more than I do actually, but since I was about 12, we just couldn't manage to keep any kind of accord really.

Then, in August, my Aunt died in a freak car accident.  Her husband is my Mom's brother.  They have three boys, my first cousins. What I'd lost in an Aunt, I had gained in my cousins again.  We'd lost touch many years ago.  Both grandfather's died when I was 6. Both grandmothers when I was about 28.

This last October, my Dad died suddenly.  My world fell in on itself and has spiraled downward in waves ever since. I still have the last text conversation with him on my phone because I can't bear to delete it.  I called the house before my brother had the phone service disconnected just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine one more time.

At Christmas my 19 year old step son moved back in with his mother after living with us since the age of 12 when his step father hit him so hard he hit back finally and was kicked out.  His mother didn't write, call, visit or otherwise communicate with him for 18 months.  When she finally did, and he went to visit, he had to sleep on the floor because the woman had rented his room out the minute he was gone from the house and he had no where else to sleep.  Yeah, she's a piece of work.  I'd love to drop her down an abandoned mine shaft with about 25 pounds of lime on top.

Three weeks ago my 5 year old told my husband that he didn't want to die.

Right now I feel like I'm on the outside of everything.  I don't belong, hate my reflection, not liking my job or most of the people in it, and am having trouble even with my hobies.  I'm old, fat, tired, and generally just not doing all that great. A friend of mine told me recently that I'm the most compassionate person he's ever met.  That I'm entirely too hard on myself and should cut myself a break.  Only thing is, I just don't know how.  Affirmations are fine if they work for you.  They don't work for me.  So many years of hearing that I wasn't smart, pretty, what was wanted in a daughter or wanted at all make seeing oneself in a different light difficult at best.  "the bad stuff is easier to believe".

I swear if I hear one more person tell me "but you're such a good person" I'm going to cold cock them to the floor.  Because in the end, if one isn't appealing on the outside, very damn few will bother with looking for what's on the inside. and just once in my flipping life I would like to stop traffic not because I look like some joke, but because that many people saw on the outside what some find on the inside.  Yeah... maybe in another lifetime....

Sylk

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #817 on: March 04, 2013, 03:34:03 AM »
A year ago January I lost my mom.  In many ways, I'd lost her long ago to alcohol and her own demons. She'd battled 2 different cancers, had brittle bones and just about 2 weeks after she'd been diagnosed with a third type of cancer, her spinal vertibrae shattered, threw a clot and she was gone.  I miss her.  I should probably miss her more than I do actually, but since I was about 12, we just couldn't manage to keep any kind of accord really.

Then, in August, my Aunt died in a freak car accident.  Her husband is my Mom's brother.  They have three boys, my first cousins. What I'd lost in an Aunt, I had gained in my cousins again.  We'd lost touch many years ago.  Both grandfather's died when I was 6. Both grandmothers when I was about 28.

This last October, my Dad died suddenly.  My world fell in on itself and has spiraled downward in waves ever since. I still have the last text conversation with him on my phone because I can't bear to delete it.  I called the house before my brother had the phone service disconnected just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine one more time.

At Christmas my 19 year old step son moved back in with his mother after living with us since the age of 12 when his step father hit him so hard he hit back finally and was kicked out.  His mother didn't write, call, visit or otherwise communicate with him for 18 months.  When she finally did, and he went to visit, he had to sleep on the floor because the woman had rented his room out the minute he was gone from the house and he had no where else to sleep.  Yeah, she's a piece of work.  I'd love to drop her down an abandoned mine shaft with about 25 pounds of lime on top.

Three weeks ago my 5 year old told my husband that he didn't want to die.

Right now I feel like I'm on the outside of everything.  I don't belong, hate my reflection, not liking my job or most of the people in it, and am having trouble even with my hobies.  I'm old, fat, tired, and generally just not doing all that great. A friend of mine told me recently that I'm the most compassionate person he's ever met.  That I'm entirely too hard on myself and should cut myself a break.  Only thing is, I just don't know how.  Affirmations are fine if they work for you.  They don't work for me.  So many years of hearing that I wasn't smart, pretty, what was wanted in a daughter or wanted at all make seeing oneself in a different light difficult at best.  "the bad stuff is easier to believe".

I swear if I hear one more person tell me "but you're such a good person" I'm going to cold cock them to the floor.  Because in the end, if one isn't appealing on the outside, very damn few will bother with looking for what's on the inside. and just once in my flipping life I would like to stop traffic not because I look like some joke, but because that many people saw on the outside what some find on the inside.  Yeah... maybe in another lifetime....

Sylk

*hugs*

Offline Meteora

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #818 on: March 04, 2013, 05:58:22 PM »
A year ago January I lost my mom.  In many ways, I'd lost her long ago to alcohol and her own demons. She'd battled 2 different cancers, had brittle bones and just about 2 weeks after she'd been diagnosed with a third type of cancer, her spinal vertibrae shattered, threw a clot and she was gone.  I miss her.  I should probably miss her more than I do actually, but since I was about 12, we just couldn't manage to keep any kind of accord really.

Then, in August, my Aunt died in a freak car accident.  Her husband is my Mom's brother.  They have three boys, my first cousins. What I'd lost in an Aunt, I had gained in my cousins again.  We'd lost touch many years ago.  Both grandfather's died when I was 6. Both grandmothers when I was about 28.

This last October, my Dad died suddenly.  My world fell in on itself and has spiraled downward in waves ever since. I still have the last text conversation with him on my phone because I can't bear to delete it.  I called the house before my brother had the phone service disconnected just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine one more time.

At Christmas my 19 year old step son moved back in with his mother after living with us since the age of 12 when his step father hit him so hard he hit back finally and was kicked out.  His mother didn't write, call, visit or otherwise communicate with him for 18 months.  When she finally did, and he went to visit, he had to sleep on the floor because the woman had rented his room out the minute he was gone from the house and he had no where else to sleep.  Yeah, she's a piece of work.  I'd love to drop her down an abandoned mine shaft with about 25 pounds of lime on top.

Three weeks ago my 5 year old told my husband that he didn't want to die.

Right now I feel like I'm on the outside of everything.  I don't belong, hate my reflection, not liking my job or most of the people in it, and am having trouble even with my hobies.  I'm old, fat, tired, and generally just not doing all that great. A friend of mine told me recently that I'm the most compassionate person he's ever met.  That I'm entirely too hard on myself and should cut myself a break.  Only thing is, I just don't know how.  Affirmations are fine if they work for you.  They don't work for me.  So many years of hearing that I wasn't smart, pretty, what was wanted in a daughter or wanted at all make seeing oneself in a different light difficult at best.  "the bad stuff is easier to believe".

I swear if I hear one more person tell me "but you're such a good person" I'm going to cold cock them to the floor.  Because in the end, if one isn't appealing on the outside, very damn few will bother with looking for what's on the inside. and just once in my flipping life I would like to stop traffic not because I look like some joke, but because that many people saw on the outside what some find on the inside.  Yeah... maybe in another lifetime....

Sylk


I'm very sorry about the harsh hand that life dealt you, about the sadness that you've had to deal with in your life. I understand your last paragraph- it vibrated with me. I've never been the attractive person- the one who the girls want to date... It's so hard to get people to notice you because of it. I understand. I'm very sorry...

+Offers a hug+

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #819 on: March 07, 2013, 03:06:40 AM »
Leaves lots of good thoughts and hugs for all.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #820 on: March 07, 2013, 04:15:13 AM »
*leaves this for everyone, as everyone is beautiful in their own special way*


Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #821 on: March 08, 2013, 06:21:48 AM »
I have been doing so well since about mid last year after my doctor changed the medication he had been trialling to remedy my depression and agoraphobia.  Everything was going smoothly until a few weeks ago - the house inspection letter, the frenzied cleaning and then the actual inspection I guess took its toll and nothing I see or do as normal every day things look the same.  Still have to either get cats desexed or got rid of and they are my only children as strange as that may be.  So I can't get rid of them and finances are pretty tight for desexing, add to that a time frame of a couple of months to get that done and stress levels on the inside are shot and I am hitting rock bottom when I could smile widely and laugh lots before.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #822 on: March 08, 2013, 09:06:20 AM »
I have been doing so well since about mid last year after my doctor changed the medication he had been trialling to remedy my depression and agoraphobia.  Everything was going smoothly until a few weeks ago - the house inspection letter, the frenzied cleaning and then the actual inspection I guess took its toll and nothing I see or do as normal every day things look the same.  Still have to either get cats desexed or got rid of and they are my only children as strange as that may be.  So I can't get rid of them and finances are pretty tight for desexing, add to that a time frame of a couple of months to get that done and stress levels on the inside are shot and I am hitting rock bottom when I could smile widely and laugh lots before.

Check with your local Humane Society about the de-sexing.  They may be able to put you in touch with a low-cost vet clinic.  (It helps keep down the stray population.)

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #823 on: March 09, 2013, 03:22:02 AM »
Check with your local Humane Society about the de-sexing.  They may be able to put you in touch with a low-cost vet clinic.  (It helps keep down the stray population.)

Thank You for that information Oniya but that was the first phone call I made on the same day as house inspection.   Will try to go without a few things to get them desexed even though 2 are almost 4 years old, the female not having had kittens because she was kept separate from male.
I still can't afford to donate to Elliquiy like I wanted to but who knows what may happen later this year.

Offline Craz

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #824 on: March 09, 2013, 03:19:33 PM »
I want to share what I'm going through, just because I feel like I need to.

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for the better part of two years now. I started having anger issues after I broke up with someone I really cared about, someone that my mother didn't necessarily approve of. The aftermath wasn't great, and I didn't handle it well. It sorta just snuck into my life and made my moods worse, and made my life less pleasant.

In September of 2011, I lost my job at a tech company. I worked under my father at the company, and when he started to speak up about some things he didn't like that were going on, we both got canned as part of a "downsizing." That was not great. I spent more than a few months really lost. I was going to school at the time, but the meagre amount of money I got from unemployment didn't really help. My moods got worse, and I sunk deeper into myself, until I started fighting with my mother constantly. This led to me moving out of the house for a few months and living with my grandmother to help take care of her while she was getting cancer treatment. She was a tough old bird, and is now better than ever, but I spent two months living in a city I didn't know, and not really knowing anyone there.  What this led to was me falling out with a lot of people I knew. When I came back, a lot of people had busier schedules, and it got harder and harder for me to get in touch with them.

Fast forward a few months, and I finally have a job. I work nights for security in a lab about an hour away from where I live. My job is to basically walk around empty buildings for hours at a time with no one around. Combined with working with a cast of people who are, well, jerks, it's really starting to work at anxieties I have. It's driving me crazy. When I get hme, it's after midnight, and I'm so tired that I crash and I never feel like I'm getting any actual worthwhile sleep. Topping this off, because of my schedule, it's just getting harder and harder to find time to interact with other people.

I hate it. I really do. I can see myself getting dragged down deeper into my own depression, especially when I'm at work. I started having suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago. It's nothing I'd ever want to act on, I feel like I'm in control, but to be honest, I just feel really isolated from people. I think I have maybe three or four hours a week where I'm not in school or at work where I'm hanging around with people I like, and more often than not that person's my dad.  It feels like that people just don't like being around me any more, and that really makes me sad.

I realize I'm not being very fluid with these thoughts, and I'm sort of bouncing around a lot, but I just needed to write all of this out. I'm tired, scared, and I just wish I was stronger and had some support from more people around me, and I hate feeling alone like I do right now.