I want to share what I'm going through, just because I feel like I need to.
I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for the better part of two years now. I started having anger issues after I broke up with someone I really cared about, someone that my mother didn't necessarily approve of. The aftermath wasn't great, and I didn't handle it well. It sorta just snuck into my life and made my moods worse, and made my life less pleasant.
In September of 2011, I lost my job at a tech company. I worked under my father at the company, and when he started to speak up about some things he didn't like that were going on, we both got canned as part of a "downsizing." That was not great. I spent more than a few months really lost. I was going to school at the time, but the meagre amount of money I got from unemployment didn't really help. My moods got worse, and I sunk deeper into myself, until I started fighting with my mother constantly. This led to me moving out of the house for a few months and living with my grandmother to help take care of her while she was getting cancer treatment. She was a tough old bird, and is now better than ever, but I spent two months living in a city I didn't know, and not really knowing anyone there. What this led to was me falling out with a lot of people I knew. When I came back, a lot of people had busier schedules, and it got harder and harder for me to get in touch with them.
Fast forward a few months, and I finally have a job. I work nights for security in a lab about an hour away from where I live. My job is to basically walk around empty buildings for hours at a time with no one around. Combined with working with a cast of people who are, well, jerks, it's really starting to work at anxieties I have. It's driving me crazy. When I get hme, it's after midnight, and I'm so tired that I crash and I never feel like I'm getting any actual worthwhile sleep. Topping this off, because of my schedule, it's just getting harder and harder to find time to interact with other people.
I hate it. I really do. I can see myself getting dragged down deeper into my own depression, especially when I'm at work. I started having suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago. It's nothing I'd ever want to act on, I feel like I'm in control, but to be honest, I just feel really isolated from people. I think I have maybe three or four hours a week where I'm not in school or at work where I'm hanging around with people I like, and more often than not that person's my dad. It feels like that people just don't like being around me any more, and that really makes me sad.
I realize I'm not being very fluid with these thoughts, and I'm sort of bouncing around a lot, but I just needed to write all of this out. I'm tired, scared, and I just wish I was stronger and had some support from more people around me, and I hate feeling alone like I do right now.