I hope it's okay and that I'm not upsetting anyone by posting this. But I've had a bad day today and I think I will feel better if I post here to share my story.
My current, known depression symptoms that I'm on medication for, I've had since I was seventeen. I started having terrible flashbacks of memories of bullying from my old school. I used to get bullied awfully- regularly, I was called names such as 'fat' and 'psycho', which always upset me and I never really fit in. It got to the point where I was extremely hated and I was crying every day for it. Eventually in school I turned suicidal. The problem wasn't helped by one of the kids who used to bully me, let's call him B, was jumping up and down encouraging me to do it. He regularly tried to provoke me into killing myself and bullied me to the point of despair. It was an awful experience and I can still see many of the events that occurred quite vividly in my own mind. Eventually I was so left out and hated in my school that when I was 16 there was pretty much a riot; half of the year suddenly walked towards me, shouting names from across the playground. They were throwing things like sandwiches and bananas at me. The name-calling was truly awful, and since then for my own protection I was not allowed to go outside of the classroom during breaktime.
The bullying was the same in my primary (4 to 11) school years. It was a bit more physical. Regularly I had to go to hospital for injuries that had occurred during the course of particularly rough bullying episodes. It began from day one. On my first day an older kid from year five (around 9-10 years old as I recall) held me down and kicked my teeth clean out of my mouth. Ever since then, I've had some horrific physical injuries, ranging from a kick to the face with metal studded football boots resulting in a permanently-weakened cheekbone, to being held by two kids either side of me into a doorframe, and a heavy wooden door slammed on it by the leader of the bully 'gang' that I was regularly a victim of. Needless to say I was also mentally abused, regularly being called fat and ugly and such. It was frightening. The worst part was, that the leader of the bullies' mother was in with some influential people in the school, so he had free reign to do whatever he wanted. I was hated by the head-teacher, and I was intimidated by him not to say anything to my parents. He told me it was 'my word against his' and that I would most likely be the one losing if I ever told my parents of what happened. He told me that if I did tell he would make sure to make my school life a living hell. I still have no idea why he did that to this day.
Anyway, the flashbacks became quite terrible recently and I got into a terrible rut. I was self-harming, both cutting and hitting myself. It wasn't a cry for help; it was so that I could feel in control, that I was doing something to punish myself for what I did. I upset all my family greatly when they finally found out and forced me to go to the doctors. I was diagnosed and prescribed medication and rational emotive therapy, telling me to think rationally about what I was feeling. It helped a great deal and helped me to analyse what I was feeling and better understand myself, giving me a better sense of control.
However, what helped me most was running. After an experience in school P.E., I decided to start running for exercise. I lived in a fairly remote place with lots of hills and fields to run through which was great. Over time I became addicted to the endorphin rush which came with it, that over-rided any depressive feelings that I was suffering, and it quickly became a way that I could cope with my problem. However I still suffered greatly from flashbacks, and getting over my self-harm was still a major obstacle. It was difficult but touch wood, I have gotten over the worst. I haven't cut in one year so far. With a lot of help from my friends I am slowly getting over it and making myself get better. I still have episodes where I wonder life is worth it, but when I get those I like to write to make myself feel better and escape.
The biggest thing is getting over my social problems right now, I still have trouble fitting in with people and I get very upset and self-conscious in social situations, to the point where I can develop a nervous twitch, and I avoid social situations. Right now as well I'm paranoid about people laughing. I can't help but stare at people when they laugh for fear they're laughing at me. It upsets me whenever I'm out and about and it gets to the point where I can't go out sometimes. I'm very slow to make friends in real life and a lot of the time I end up weirding people out with my social stupidity at times. It aggravates my depression worse when I offend or upset people too.
Well, that's my story so far. Thanks for letting me write about it to get things off my chance. I hope I haven't offended or upset anyone by posting what's happened to me and that I'm not intruding on this conversation.