Share the monster hugs and raise awareness for depression with your very own hug monster siggie badge:
Now also available in super slim:
Depression is always there.
Even when you think youíve kicked the little bugger into next week and gotten rid of it for good itís always there, watching and waiting for the best time to strike back. This is something I have discovered very recently, indeed after nearly two years of living completely depression free it has of late been creeping back.
I didnít want my first post on my E blog to be something that would in turn depress any readers. Hopefully it will provide a short but open and honest account about how I have been and still am being affected by the topic and will prove an interesting read if nothing else. Call it self-therapy if you will but it helps me to share these things and you ~ the lucky members of E ~ are the ones Iím going to share this with mainly because it is not something I feel I can really openly talk to anyone in my RL about easilyÖIím getting better at it with those that I trust but itís so much harder to sit and talk to someone who knows you well, to see their reactions as you talk and in part to dread what theyíre going to think about what you want to confide in them.
I first realised that depression was a factor in my life in my teens and usually the feelings were brought about when I dealt with someone else who wasnít entirely healthy for me mentally. Strangely enough the bullying I was subjected to throughout my schooling wasnít a factor. It instead surfaced for me when I had my first serious relationship with a guy who was quite abusive mentally. Following my time with him I went straight into a long term relationship with my ex-husband that eventually (after nearly 10 years) drained me completely. The depression was gone for a while, really until I fell pregnant with my first child and then it came back with a vengeance.
I would try to deal with it but I never went for any real help. Whenever I tried to reach out for help to the people around me it was ignored or brushed aside. I realised then that there was a stigma attached to the condition that only made me want to hide it even more. I was frightened that I would be seen to be unfit as a mother, that my daughter would be taken from me or I would be labelled as some kind of crank.
Within three months of giving birth to my second child my marriage finally broke down and when I eventually found the strength to let go and end it the depression lifted. The pain that came about from it jolted me out of the hole. That pain was good for me; it proved I was still there, no longer numb and unfeeling which is a big characteristic of my low moods. I found myself again and for this last while I have been very happy.
Iím not even sure what has brought back these feeling but for the last couple of weeks Iíve begun to recognise the pattern. Time has been disappearing, days have been wasting as procrastination and lack of motivation has set in. My creativity ebbs and flows like the tide at the best of times but itís when the waves still and calm to an unnatural nothingness that I know thereís a problem as even the simplest of creative endeavours take forever. Already after sharing and writing this I do feel like a weight has been lifted. It helps me to do this, to write it out and analyse it in my own way, to understand it a bit better, to share it with someoneÖanyone, even if it's just myself, as long as it's in black and white, there for me to see so I can't ignore it.
I had to really push myself to make this post, not because it was emotionally difficult but because I find it very hard to share this kind of thing with anyone other than myself because I donít want sympathy or pity or even adviceÖthe spats of depression I get, for me, just are and I know that there is always something brighter waiting on the other side of it.
Iím not entirely sure what motivated me to write this. I generally donít share these things with people, but I was talking to an online friend last night who has been dealing with the same issues for this last little while. Itís really the first time Iíve dealt with this with someone who knows where Iím coming from and understands what I mean when I say I feel Ďmehí or whatever. I guess I wanted to assure any of you that may be or have gone through a similar thing that itís not just youÖitís more common than you realise and, even though it doesnít feel like it at the time, even though you canít for the life of you see the way out of that big black hole youíre in, eventually you will surface.
Love and light
~ Feel free to comment, write your own experiences or just make your presence known if you wish.