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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 101323 times)

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Offline RhedynTopic starter

Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« on: January 21, 2011, 12:31:13 PM »
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Depression is always there.

Even when you think youíve kicked the little bugger into next week and gotten rid of it for good itís always there, watching and waiting for the best time to strike back. This is something I have discovered very recently, indeed after nearly two years of living completely depression free it has of late been creeping back.

I didnít want my first post on my E blog to be something that would in turn depress any readers. Hopefully it will provide a short but open and honest account about how I have been and still am being affected by the topic and will prove an interesting read if nothing else. Call it self-therapy if you will but it helps me to share these things and you ~ the lucky members of E ~ are the ones Iím going to share this with mainly because it is not something I feel I can really openly talk to anyone in my RL about easilyÖIím getting better at it with those that I trust but itís so much harder to sit and talk to someone who knows you well, to see their reactions as you talk and in part to dread what theyíre going to think about what you want to confide in them.

I first realised that depression was a factor in my life in my teens and usually the feelings were brought about when I dealt with someone else who wasnít entirely healthy for me mentally. Strangely enough the bullying I was subjected to throughout my schooling wasnít a factor. It instead surfaced for me when I had my first serious relationship with a guy who was quite abusive mentally. Following my time with him I went straight into a long term relationship with my ex-husband that eventually (after nearly 10 years) drained me completely. The depression was gone for a while, really until I fell pregnant with my first child and then it came back with a vengeance.

I would try to deal with it but I never went for any real help. Whenever I tried to reach out for help to the people around me it was ignored or brushed aside. I realised then that there was a stigma attached to the condition that only made me want to hide it even more. I was frightened that I would be seen to be unfit as a mother, that my daughter would be taken from me or I would be  labelled as some kind of crank.

Within three months of giving birth to my second child my marriage finally broke down and when I eventually found the strength to let go and end it the depression lifted. The pain that came about from it jolted me out of the hole. That pain was good for me; it proved I was still there, no longer numb and unfeeling which is a big characteristic of my low moods. I found myself again and for this last while I have been very happy.

Iím not even sure what has brought back these feeling but for the last couple of weeks Iíve begun to recognise the pattern. Time has been disappearing, days have been wasting as procrastination and lack of motivation has set in.  My creativity ebbs and flows like the tide at the best of times but itís when the waves still and calm to an unnatural nothingness that I know thereís a problem as even the simplest of creative endeavours take forever. Already after sharing and writing this I do feel like a weight has been lifted. It helps me to do this, to write it out and analyse it in my own way, to understand it a bit better, to share it with someoneÖanyone, even if it's just myself, as long as it's in black and white, there for me to see so I can't ignore it.

I had to really push myself to make this post, not because it was emotionally difficult but because I find it very hard to share this kind of thing with anyone other than myself because I donít want sympathy or pity or even adviceÖthe spats of depression I get, for me, just are and I know that there is always something brighter waiting on the other side of it.

Iím not entirely sure what motivated me to write this. I generally donít share these things with people, but I was talking to an online friend last night who has been dealing with the same issues for this last little while. Itís really the first time Iíve dealt with this with someone who knows where Iím coming from and understands what I mean when I say I feel Ďmehí or whatever. I guess I wanted to assure any of you that may be or have gone through a similar thing that itís not just youÖitís more common than you realise and, even though it doesnít feel like it at the time, even though you canít for the life of you see the way out of that big black hole youíre in, eventually you will surface.

Love and light

~Rhedyn.



~ Feel free to comment, write your own experiences or just make your presence known if you wish.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 04:53:50 PM by Rhedyn »

Offline Lord Drake

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2011, 12:43:06 PM »
I usually do not post much in blogs... but I wanted to raise my hand and make you know that I am here and reading. I would like also to thank you for all your insight that is doubly useful for me... since I do not suffer from depression but I am very close to someone who did suffer of that at a medical level and still is not completely well... and probably would never be, despite the fact that this person's life is now normal and - I hope - happy.

So thank you. Sharing this kind of things can often be useful in ways that one does not expect.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2011, 01:03:53 PM »
Thank you for your comment Lord Drake. It is one of those things that is very difficult to understand when you haven't experienced it for yourself so I am glad I was able to offer some form of insight for you. I'm sure that your support and understanding for your friend has helped them immensely and I wish them all the best for the future.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2011, 01:08:20 PM »
Thank you, Rhedyn, for sharing this with us, the lucky members of E. I just thought I'd chime in to let you know, you aren't alone in what you're struggling with. I'm sure I'm not the only one here to share that particular demon with you. I'm glad you realize there's light on the other side of the struggle as sometimes it's very hard to hold to that belief.

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2011, 03:21:12 PM »

Thank you for sharing this.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2011, 05:57:42 PM »
My pleasure crystal and monica. It is nice to know that it has struck a chord with others  *hugs*

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2011, 10:48:29 PM »

Yeah it really did. I wish I could talk openly about it, but I cant.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2011, 03:01:31 AM »
That's quite all right monica. It took me a long time to get to the point I could even think about it objectively, let alone talk about it.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Negativity- Fuelling Depression
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2011, 11:25:42 AM »
A few days ago I was asked a question relating to my last post on this topic and, though I briefly answered the question to the person who asked I thought I would write a post to explore it a little more fully since I have been mulling it over quite considerably.

The question was do you think that having a 'negative outlook' is part of the disease or just being realistic?

I can think of a hundred metaphors for how I feel when I try to think about the future when I'm in one of my depressions and, while they will all be expressive of what it's like for me, none of them really do how I feel justice.

While I am prone to down days, negative thinking and sarcasm (aren't we all sometimes) I consider myself an optimistic kind of person usually. I'm quite spiritual and normally I see good around me and in my future. I look at my kids and see two little miracles that bring me so much joy and give me a reason to keep going and I see a future that is undetermined and changeable but exciting because of that and most importantly, it's mine and no-one else's.

But when I hit that slump my perception changes. A part of me recognises the change and tries to fight it...I'm getting better at this, but it's not perfect, it doesn't work all the time. I'm ashamed to say that when it happens I see nothing to be happy about, nothing to be grateful about, nothing to strive for or live for. It is a very bleak and frightening time. Now somewhere inside there is a part of me that's screaming for me to snap out of it, to see what's right in front of my eyes, to see all the good things I've got going for me. But there's another part, the depressed part, that's in control now and it doesn't want to acknowledge those bits so it doesn't look.

My observation is that the depression lies. It tells you the things it knows will make it's hold stronger, you just don't see it until you find your way back out again.

While when I fall into those slumps again I still see little to be happy or grateful about, little to like about myself, my life or my situation there is a spark inside that is just waiting to flare up and drive the darkness away again. It's a spark I have nurtured through the good times thanks to the people who have seen something worthwhile in me, it's a spark that everyone has somewhere, it's a spark that has a huge amount of power and purpose.

My spark is burning brightly right now and because of that I can be positive about where I am heading. There are things that threaten to blow it out, to dampen it's brightness, but there's one thing I always keep in mind; that spark is always there somewhere, no-one can take it away, you can never completely lose it and it's recognised by everyone you affect in a positive way, even without meaning to. It denotes that you are you, that you are special, that you are unique and that you have a reason for being. Find it, embrace it and cherish it.

I guess in conclusion what I'm trying to say is that I believe that a negative outlook is a massive part of the disease itself and is probably what makes it so hard to fight because you turn to a frame of mind that can't see the point in fighting as there appears to be nothing to fight for (which is never truly the case). Getting past this is the battle because as soon as you find a reason to fight, as soon as you find that spark, it gives you hope and, while it's still not an easy process, it becomes a possible one.

~Rhedyn

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2011, 11:49:24 AM »
I'm going to try and keep my response to this addition relatively concise in an effort not to hijack your blog, but in relation to negativity and depression my personal observations are that people who meet me in a depressed state view me as a person who is 'emo', 'lacking passion', or 'broken'.

To an extent that bothers me because, well, it's sort of all true in those moments. The hard part being in that knowing some people will never come to know the other side of me. To know the depth of shadow you must have known a light to measure it by, and likewise to know the strength of despair you must have known some joyous occasion to hold it to... Negativity is a part of the disease itself, but it manifests in me when I'm in its grasp. That doesn't mean that I as an individual have a negative outlook on life. On a normal day (like today) I see things in a positive light. All of those accomplishments I've made, all that I might make tomorrow, they make me optimistic, and that is not a part of the disease. *Smiles*

You word your thoughts and insights so elegantly and clearly, Rhedyn. I thank you again for sharing them with us.

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2011, 01:20:15 PM »
I'd like to echo the others' comments here.  I don't think that people who suffer from chronic depression can really understand what it's like.  It's not like just having a bad day or two.  Everyone has bad days.  Everyone suffers from sadness, loneliness, discouragement.  That's not depression.

Depression is like having a weight on your back that never really goes away.  It makes you lackluster, apathetic.  It sabotages your relationships.  It hampers your ability to be a good worker or a good student.  You think about suicide daily.  Sometimes you have great difficulty even getting out of bed in the morning.

And that's the problem: due to its very nature, depression makes us think that we're alone.  What's wrong with me? we ask.  Why am I having so much trouble doing things that seem to come naturally to everyone else?

But we're not alone.  Over 15 million people in the U.S. alone suffer from it.   Chances are either you, or someone close to know, is affected to some extent.

So kudos to you, Rhedyn.  By posting this as you have, maybe we can get a conversation going and hopefully take away some of the stigma from this very real psychological disorder.

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2011, 01:26:09 PM »
Correction: that second sentence should read,  "I don't think that people who haven't suffered from chronic depression can really understand what it's like. "

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2011, 11:27:17 AM »
Thank you both.

That is what I hope too Remiel. Although in many ways the condition is something one always has to deal with alone as it is a personal battle with the self I think it is really important for people to know that they are not the only ones dealing with this and that, although it may not be treated as such by many, it is a very normal experience shared by millions predominantly in silence.

Coming soon: the reactions I have received when I have tried to communicate about this with the people around me and why I think it is often harder for people who are outside of it to accept.


Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2011, 01:09:26 PM »

Interesting! I have always had "it" I guess. I cannot ever think of a time when I had a positive outlook on life. Yes the thoughts of self destruction are always there. I just dont see the point of it all. I try to find hope only to end up disappointed. I go to church and sure I like the message of salvation, but it also adds to the feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness. I also tend to be skeptical in terms of the purpose of life in general. I mean look at the human beings who live in the garbage dumps of place like Tijuana and Ciudad Juarez...where is God? Does anyone deserve that? Is that the price of sin? Is evil winning?

I can remember all the way back to pre-school and being alone/outcast and actually wanting it that way, but also wanting to be part of the group. It is so difficult to explain. I can be outgoing even as a child but it was always around older people, with my peers I am very shy and afraid of rejection I guess. I never felt I fit in, still dont. I dont know if that is part of "it" or not.

I look at the world through the eyes of what I think is an intelligent brain and I think anyone who is optimistic is nuts or just a shill for some special interest looking to get over on the public. Maybe that is my own elitism or maybe it's "it". I dont know.

If I think back to my childhood all I can do is think of bad stuff. Nothing important but things like missing an answer to a question in front of the teacher. When thinking back on something like that I get what I call a flashback I know it isnt combat or anything, but when I think of a mistake or something embarrassing I will sometimes blurt out NO or something like that and then snap back into reality. How wierd is that? It even goes deeper than that I can make myself cry by asking myself where was I before I was born...all those thousands of years or infinite time if you will...a cold chill comes over me and it terrifies me. Is that "it" or maybe just writing all this I think I am just flat out crazy.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2011, 09:56:56 AM »
Apologies for my lack of response, my computer time has been inconsistent and little of late.

I don't think you are crazy monica. I can't say I've ever looked back like that or found it to be a trigger or part of mine. Other than perhaps feeling unreasonably guilty about past experiences and specifically how I've dealt with other people when I'm depressed I tend to get very low about the present and future, or seemingly lack thereof.

Offline Lady Aura

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2011, 12:47:37 AM »
I as well am not one to post in blogs but I thought to say I have read this and I know what you are going through. After being abused for 15 years in every way possible and never being believed and being in the system many time I ended up depressed and in a mental hospital. Something I am not proud of. While the problems that got me in there weren't the right ones, the decided to medicate me with anti depressants and anti psychotics. (at the age of 13) By the time I moved away from my mother and in with my father I cleared up greatly. Never talked to my mom unless I had to and when I did, it showed.

I graduated high school in record time with my class and went off to college where I took the all knowing psychology class. At the point I found out I was an ACOA or adult child of an addict or alcoholic. In my case it was both. In the 3 years since finding this out, I again have worked on it and gotten better. (Much thanks to my husband and his mom for the help.)

However my depression kicked back in with a vengeance after I gave birth back in March. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back, I do see it. I didn't notice though until reading a marriage book (my marriage is on the rocks because of all this) that I noticed I was abusive to my husband. What does this have to do with depression? Simple, my depressive moods came out in anger and my husband being disabled as he is (epileptic) he spured my anger without realizing it.

For a month now, (after stepping down from being a mentor and much help from Drake himself) I have been taking Zoloft and getting better by the day. Stress is still there, but thats an everyday thing for me. I know, that things are getting better and I am now not afraid I am going to end up abusing my child, which thankfully I wasn't.

In all, if you ever want to talk, send me a message or even an IM, I am willing to tell tales and help you out of a grind if you need it. :D

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #16 on: February 07, 2011, 05:38:01 PM »

Back and forth....up and down. It's so tiring, all I want to do is sleep.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2011, 08:27:23 AM »
Thank you Lady Aura for sharing your experiences with us and for the offer of a friendly ear, it is very much appreciated and I wholeheartedly offer it in return. I'm so pleased to hear that you feel you are improving *hugs*

Back and forth....up and down. It's so tiring, all I want to do is sleep.

*hugs* I know the feeling.

Offline Lady Aura

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2011, 09:30:43 AM »
Thank you Lady Aura for sharing your experiences with us and for the offer of a friendly ear, it is very much appreciated and I wholeheartedly offer it in return. I'm so pleased to hear that you feel you are improving *hugs*
'

Thanks :) And I have learned talking is the best way for me to cope, so I try to where I can and when it is appropriate.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2011, 04:13:27 PM »
Thank you for taking the time in posting this Rhedyn,
I have been sitting here, reading all the posts, off and on throughout the past week. Wanting to reply, yet too scared.
Maybe it is the fear of being an outcast, mostly. Being misunderstood, and having grown up believing that there is
something wrong with me. I have lived with depression, been to various therapists through the course of 40 plus years.

At the age of 17, I was diagnosed with duo personality disorder. Given no hope for a normal life. I tried "fitting in" which
turned out not so good.  Some days I get terrible headaches, it is usually when my other personality appears.
For years I have tried to find a way to rid myself of this "disease" and chemical imbalance in my brain,
as most of my doctors have called it.

I don't know how many people live with duo personality disorders, though I recognize what depression is,
and those of us who have it,
in a way, we share a common bond, yet, I wish it wasn't so. Depression causes so much pain, for the person that has it,
and those who are closest to us.
The loneliness at times is most unbearable. Thankfully, I have a small 4 legged companion, who loves me dearly.

I do appreciate you posting this, and hope you continue in finding that light,
that gives you hope.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2011, 01:07:58 PM »
Thank you syblwon for finding the courage to reply, it means a lot to all of us that are in the same/similar positions. You are not alone *hugs*

Offline ladyelizabeth

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2011, 07:40:24 PM »
OK so I read these posts and I don't feel quite so alone in the world anymore.
 
See, I came back to elliquiy like the proverbial dog with its tail tucked between its legs.  I love the people here and I miss the friends I made.  I decided to remove erotica and E from my life because someone pushed me into thinking that by writing this and enjoying this I was dirty.  I had a lot going on and the depression I suffered did not help.
 
Only after being forced aside did I realize that the person who pushed me into dropping the things I loved only hurt me in the process.
 
I've suffered with depression since I was a teen.  Chronic depression and over worrying.  I've always felt alone and even not recognizing that people did care and I just didn't see it.  so for those who read this and know me, I apologize for being short sighted.  For those just getting to know me, I'm fighting for myself this time. 
 
I am who I am and I can't change that for anyone.  Learning to live with depression means accepting the fact that you have it and realizing your limitations.
 
TY all for the words.

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2011, 01:18:07 AM »
This probably doesn't help since at the moment I am adrift on that lonely sea of despair, caught amid its whirls and eddies. I just wanted to add my voice to those that can empathize with you. It is like standing outside of life and watching it pass by with nothing but your fingers to claw away at the glass. For now, I don't even feel like struggling, it is too easy to drift with the tide. *hugs* to all who suffer.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #23 on: February 13, 2011, 05:19:16 AM »
*slips in quietly to leave hugs and thanks for ladyelizabeth and Oreo*

I am who I am and I can't change that for anyone.  Learning to live with depression means accepting the fact that you have it and realizing your limitations.

I completely agree. Trying to deny it, which we all do at some point, only makes you feel worse.

Offline Shjade

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #24 on: February 13, 2011, 01:55:23 PM »
The thing I find most unsettling about long-running depression is forgetting what life was like prior to that feeling. I literally cannot remember how I had the energy to do what I did when I was younger, and I'm hardly "old" at twenty-five. I can't understand what happened to my nonstop imagination and running about. I remember the events; I know I did things and even have vague outlines of the sorts of things I used to play and the backstories behind the games and so on. I just can't remember what I thought like back then or how I felt, who I was, basically. There's just sort of a block around thirteen or fourteen or so and nothing upstairs gets past it.

In my case I've almost always relied on escapism to shrug off the brunt of it. Lots of gaming and fantasy and, for a time, whole nests of lies (mostly at school) to avoid and forget about what things were like whenever I stopped to think about them. As I've gotten older it's been less and less effective to the point where, in the last couple of years, I'd just have intermittent bursts of wit and fun like coming up for air in the middle of the rest of it.

Things are starting to look up a bit, though. I've finally gotten a little push to move and I'm slamming on it as hard as I can muster while it's there. Sending out some job applications - I've needed a second job for a while now and never had the drive to actually make a try for one. Making a new morning routine; getting back into yoga practice when I get up as a motivator to get out of bed and do something that isn't idle electronic sponging. Some hygiene changes. It's funny, really: I think a big trigger for trying to scratch my way out of the mess was going from a straight razor to an electric for shaving. It's such a little thing, but I had such skin irritation and it looked horrible. I didn't really think about it but it must have been weighing on me on some level 'cause I look at myself in the mirror now and I look, well, like me again and I dunno, some small part of me must be encouraged by that.

It's such a tiny thing, but it's something, and I can work with that. Now I just have to keep the momentum rolling until I can build it into something solid and productive, something that will have its own energy to keep rolling without needing to force it every step of the way.

Best of luck and free hugs to everyone slogging through this.