Exactly, Adammair. When I moved in here at my friend's house, I was super stressed out, had no color to me, I couldn't eat and showers were so rare I absolutely wouldn't want to be around anyone in fear of being smelly and nasty to them.
The morning I woke up in my van in the McDonald's parking lot, I realized I had one of three options... 1 - I could sit here and mull in self pity, and end it all. The coward's way out and end it all, be done, kill myself and be done with it, fuck the van and my dead body with all my belongings. 2 - I could go back to that environment in which I would continue to be riduculed, cast out as the black sheep and put under immense bouts of stress to the point I would lose everything because I felt I should just check into the local stress "mental health" center, which being a security guard would make me lose my job. Losing my job would make me lose it all. I would just give up. or 3 - Go to that friend that had open arms and start over.
Chosing that third option was the best choice I have ever made in my life. I took a shower, got a good night's of peacful rest, was able to eat and for once, the most important part; I was smiling.
Hell, all of my belongings as we speak are still sitting down there in my van. I literally just got everything cleaned out of that room so that I could move in. I still have issues at work because my boss is my father's wife's son. I only have 13 dollars to my name, and a quarter tank of gas until next Friday. Half of my clothing is over at my dad's place, which I refuse to go get because I count that as a simple material loss for mental happiness, and my soul mate Real Life lives over 700 miles away from me. I am living in a state I cannot stand. The one person that I held as my God, my Idol... my Hero... is the one person right now that I cannot even stand being in his presence because I have seen his true colors.
I can go on and on about all the other continuous problems in my life, like how my van still is illegal from my not having the title, thus having an expired tag not even registered to that van, or how I have one month to get that van legal or I will go to court. But in the end... one step at a time, I will get there. I am out of that situation, and I am taking care of myself. It is OK to have friends support and help. The point here is, you are leading, not expecting to have your hand held through it all. Support and encouragement, HELP, is not dependancy. It is being human.
Alright all that was being typed while you posted this last post, so I have to mention something...
While we all may not know what you are going through, and you have truly gone through some very strenuous physical altercations to your body, as well as the emotional turmoil to accomany it, you are breathing right now.
Now, before you flip out, just give me a moment to explain my view on this, ok? I am not trying to tell you to get over it, no no far from. I would never tell anyone to just "get over it" be it physical or mental, or in your case, both. However...
The fact that you have gone through all that in your lifespan - and that is far more than the average Joe, mind you. Hell, that is even more than -some- military heros endure - and you are still sitting here, typing, breathing and reaching out for our opinions, just shows how strong you are.
Trauma is not an easy thing to move through, emotional or physical. I know from experience in my -own- traumatic situations how hard it is. But to have your situation, ten times more agonizing than anything I myself and majority of the population have never been through, you have absolutely no idea how strong you really are right now. It takes strength first and foremost to openly admit on a public forum all that you have to face every day. Secondly, the strength in which you have succeeded in surviving this far to this point to even tell us about is not only mind bending, it is absolutely astounding. In fact, You are a person people can learn from, they can look to, and realize... if you can survive, then so can they.
I am not saying to anyone here or even myself that hell, look we are whining and here she goes dealing with all that! Everyone sees things different, some more severe than others. But you, Sybl... You are a very very strong woman. You are a woman that has not only gone through nightmares most couldn't or wouldn't even dream of having to endure, you are still reaching out to find a way to keep going.
You want to keep going. You want to fix that leg and keep the ability to walk naturally, the ability to be at the very least asthetically "normal"... but you know what may happen, and you are still alive knowing this. You are still trying to find the "strength" within yourself to accept and keep going. YOu don't HAVE to find that, Sybl, you already have it. What you need to do, is find something that shows you that you are already on the track to getting back to "life"... but for everything we want, sometimes we have to sacrifice.
Back to my own situation, be it rather trivial to some if you will, I sacrificed my relationship with my father and "family" as well as half my material posessions to move past and get back on track. One step at a time... I truly wish Ellen would help. Hell, I would if I could.
*offers a warm hug for you to chose to take or refuse.* Please... for yourself, do NOT give up. Do not let them win. Do not let life win. Fight, fight for yourself. Fight and show the world how strong you are.