Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Sybl]

Thank you for your words Ember Star. The offer of an ear from another point of view might be taken up one of these days..

I just want everyone who knows me through this thread, that I am not depressed exactly, what I am is ..I don't know how to describe it, really. My split and I have begun to merge at a faster rate then first thought. I mean it could still be in the distant, but I am not so sure about that even.

I have been who I am for so long, that not having her out and about, is 'different' or it will be.

I have so many times wanted this, and now that it is happening, I am at a loss of knowing what my true feelings are. We have over this past year become close through emails and blogging. I guess I am feeling the loss of that part ending, and even though it is probably for the best, I fail to see it as so.

I think once it happens my blood family will be more accepting of me, but do I even want their acceptance now? I don't know that I do, I just don't know how I am feeling right at this point in my life.

[Adammair]

*hugs Sybl warmly, holding her for a long time* I've told your split this, but I don't believe I've had the chance to tell you, yet, but have faith that you both will be better after the merge, in the long run.

You've helped me through some rough times, now let me help you, by hearing my words, accepting them, and most of all...accepting yourself. You are a wonderful person, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, and fun. That won't change. You'll still be you, only better.

I'll stop there, although I have some other thoughts on the subject, but know that my PM box is always open to you, as is my IM, when I'm on, which I most likely will be later tonight.

We'll talk soon, Sybl. Okay?

*sends hugs and love to all who need them*

[Sybl]

*hugs Sybl warmly, holding her for a long time* I've told your split this, but I don't believe I've had the chance to tell you, yet, but have faith that you both will be better after the merge, in the long run.

You've helped me through some rough times, now let me help you, by hearing my words, accepting them, and most of all...accepting yourself. You are a wonderful person, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, and fun. That won't change. You'll still be you, only better.

I'll stop there, although I have some other thoughts on the subject, but know that my PM box is always open to you, as is my IM, when I'm on, which I most likely will be later tonight.

We'll talk soon, Sybl. Okay?

*sends hugs and love to all who need them*

you made me tear up,
you booger..

really I know,.. but it is still very hard, like losing a twin.. a very bratty twin sister, mind you.

Seriously, it is okay, getting better one day at a time.
*hugs back*  and leaves *hugs* for everyone.
Thank you Adammair.

[Remiel]

*accepts a few hugs from those offered, before starting his tale*

Only read if you feel you can handle a depressive's rant.

So, my job has me feeling down. Really down. As in "want to just spare everyone the trouble and shoot myself in the head." That kind of down.

At this point, I am glad (maybe) that my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds are working, although I just want to either take them all at once (knowing the results of that), or stop taking them altogether, and let nature take its course (knowing the results of that, too - same as the previous results, except it might take a little longer).

I'm tired of hearing from my supervisor that I'm slow, productivity-wise. But he seems to insist on hammering it into my head. Thanks ever so much for making me feel this big *puts his thumb and index finger a nano-meter apart* and repeatedly doing so. I know I'm not up to standards. I've known that for the whole 12 years I've worked in that sh*thole.

I also know that managers are supposed to make their employees feel valued and appreciated, since a happy employee is a productive employee. Granted, I haven't been happy since I've been there, but now that we have a new store manager who is buddy-buddy with my supervisor because they were both marines, neither of them is willing to give me a chance to do something else around the store so I'm not so burned-out on the same old routine, day in and day out.

There are times when I really hate being me (even with the meds), and now is one of those times. I wish I wasn't bipolar. I wish I didn't feel like I was being walked over and denied a shot at doing something I might really enjoy. I wish for a lot of things that never seem to come true. Same with praying. I gave that up a long time ago, because I don't believe there's a deity or deities that care what I want, and that truly want what's best for me.

I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm beginning to wish that rope had a noose tied at the end of it. *sighs*

The light at the end of my tunnel seems to be a small incandescent bulb, which is dimming, on its way to burning out, and I have no replacements.

My only consolation is the fact that I'm almost finished with my college classes, but one more semester seems like a million years away at this point, and I'm stuck here until I complete them.

My Mom and my wife are supportive of me, to varying degrees, but it all seems so pointless, when I have a lack of support everywhere else I turn.

*after much thought, decides to put his tale in spoiler tags, to spare anyone the discomfort of his life, since he knows depression and the sensitivity it causes in others sharing the same affliction.*

Adammair, for what it's worth, I've definitely been in your shoes.  My last job was one in which I felt overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, and that no matter how much effort I put into it, it still wanted more than I had to give.  So after three years, and many months of agonizing, I decided to take a leap of faith and quit.  I didn't burn any bridges; I made sure to go the extra mile to leave on good terms; and I made sure to fulfill, to the best of my abilities, any outstanding obligations I had.  But I quit, even though I didn't have any other prospect lined up.

Now? I have a job that I really, really like, which I never would have found if I hadn't quit.  Bear in mind, I certainly don't recommend this route for everybody, especially if you have kids or a wife that are depending on you--but I just thought I'd toss out that sometimes things just have a way of working out if you're just willing to make a change.


I also just had a thought, which I thought I'd share, to see if you all agree or disagree.  They say (and perhaps, with good reason) that one of the sexiest qualities one can have is self-confidence.   Women (and men, too) look for self-confidence in a mate: someone who believes in himself, who has a certain knowledge of his own self-worth.

Once of the things that makes depression so vile is that it robs you of that self-confidence.  It strips away any vestiges of self-esteem, so that not only are you averse to taking risks (for fear of rejection, etc.) but that you think of yourself as being worthless and useless.  And when you think that of yourself, other people see it too, leading to a domino effect of isolation and loneliness.

That is why depression is real, and why we must fight it. 

[Sybl]

I also just had a thought, which I thought I'd share, to see if you all agree or disagree.  They say (and perhaps, with good reason) that one of the sexiest qualities one can have is self-confidence.   Women (and men, too) look for self-confidence in a mate: someone who believes in himself, who has a certain knowledge of his own self-worth.

Once of the things that makes depression so vile is that it robs you of that self-confidence.  It strips away any vestiges of self-esteem, so that not only are you averse to taking risks (for fear of rejection, etc.) but that you think of yourself as being worthless and useless.  And when you think that of yourself, other people see it too, leading to a domino effect of isolation and loneliness.

That is why depression is real, and why we must fight it. 

I agree with you Remiel,

For many years from the earliest age I can remember of being told I was worthless, unwanted, and a mistake, it took any self confidence I ever had and tossed it into the sea. On my darkest days, I can still hear my father say to me what a useless piece of shit you are.. you will never amount to anything.. etc. I heard it for over 30 years. It is a battle for me n my darkest days and nights.. when some one tells me good things about myself. I still cry when they do, tears come because I fight the old memories, the old lies he used to beat into my head.

[Adammair]

Adammair, for what it's worth, I've definitely been in your shoes.  My last job was one in which I felt overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, and that no matter how much effort I put into it, it still wanted more than I had to give.  So after three years, and many months of agonizing, I decided to take a leap of faith and quit.  I didn't burn any bridges; I made sure to go the extra mile to leave on good terms; and I made sure to fulfill, to the best of my abilities, any outstanding obligations I had.  But I quit, even though I didn't have any other prospect lined up.

Now? I have a job that I really, really like, which I never would have found if I hadn't quit.  Bear in mind, I certainly don't recommend this route for everybody, especially if you have kids or a wife that are depending on you--but I just thought I'd toss out that sometimes things just have a way of working out if you're just willing to make a change.


I also just had a thought, which I thought I'd share, to see if you all agree or disagree.  They say (and perhaps, with good reason) that one of the sexiest qualities one can have is self-confidence.   Women (and men, too) look for self-confidence in a mate: someone who believes in himself, who has a certain knowledge of his own self-worth.

Once of the things that makes depression so vile is that it robs you of that self-confidence.  It strips away any vestiges of self-esteem, so that not only are you averse to taking risks (for fear of rejection, etc.) but that you think of yourself as being worthless and useless.  And when you think that of yourself, other people see it too, leading to a domino effect of isolation and loneliness.

That is why depression is real, and why we must fight it.

Thank you, Remiel. Your words are an inspiration, and I agree with the second half of your reply, about confidence. I read in a book a long time ago, which I believe has since had its title changed, that (good) luck comes to those who are willing to take a risk. I won't go through the pains of trying to over-explain it, but that was the general idea of the whole book: That being willing to take a risk leads to luck. I wish I could find that book again, as I borrowed it from the library.

Anyway, yes it's true that I have little self-confidence and I regret almost every decision I've made in my life, to the point that if I take a moment and actively try, I can't remember the things I've done that I don't regret, or that have led me to a better place in life. I think that actually getting the job I have now was somewhat of a high point, when I consider previous employment, but I think this job has run its course, and I need to start looking for another one, and be willing to take that risk when it comes.

Also, +1 to Sybl. *hugs*

[Rhedyn]

*slips in to leave some hugs and support after a rough day*

[Remiel]

Sorry you had a rough day, Rhedyn. *hugs*

[Rhedyn]

Thanks Remiel ~hugs back~ some good came out of it though in that I discovered a big trigger I didn't realise I had and can do something about it, but yeah, big dips after such peaceful times are always a rough ride :/

[Night Stalker]

Leaves Good Thoughts and Hugs for all.

[Adammair]

Recently, even though still on my meds, I've caught myself a few times randomly popping into a sensation of depression that was almost tangible. For no apparent reason, whatsoever. I'd just be sitting here, at my computer, or doing some other mundane thing, and ~poof~ all of a sudden I want to do absolutely nothing.

Thankfully, it seems to have stopped for the time being, but it's weird how I can just be rolling along, taking life in stride, and it totally sneaks up on me and BAM...leaves me wanting for something to take my mind off the total lack of motivation. And it's at those times when nothing even seems to help. Movies, music, TV...none of that. I need to exercise and get back in shape, but I never seem to have the time for it, nor the inspiration, with the rest of my life looming over me. *sigh*

*leaves hugs, warm thoughts, and healing vibes and continues slowly on his way*

[Sybl]

Recently, even though still on my meds, I've caught myself a few times randomly popping into a sensation of depression that was almost tangible. For no apparent reason, whatsoever. I'd just be sitting here, at my computer, or doing some other mundane thing, and ~poof~ all of a sudden I want to do absolutely nothing.

Thankfully, it seems to have stopped for the time being, but it's weird how I can just be rolling along, taking life in stride, and it totally sneaks up on me and BAM...leaves me wanting for something to take my mind off the total lack of motivation. And it's at those times when nothing even seems to help. Movies, music, TV...none of that. I need to exercise and get back in shape, but I never seem to have the time for it, nor the inspiration, with the rest of my life looming over me. *sigh*

*leaves hugs, warm thoughts, and healing vibes and continues slowly on his way*

I am sorry I missed your post Rhedyn, *hugs*

*Hugs* for all.

Adammair, I think that happens to all of us here.. it does me too. It has most recently at the oddest of times.

*hands you a cup of hot chocolate and gives a hug*

[Rhedyn]

I am sorry I missed your post Rhedyn, *hugs*

That is quite all right Sybl ~hugs back~

Recently, even though still on my meds, I've caught myself a few times randomly popping into a sensation of depression that was almost tangible. For no apparent reason, whatsoever. I'd just be sitting here, at my computer, or doing some other mundane thing, and ~poof~ all of a sudden I want to do absolutely nothing.

I have this too at times, I'm getting fairly good at recognising it when it descends and working out what is causing it to happen so I can do something about it. Certain activities trigger the drop for me though sometimes it can just be the mood I'm in that day. It's horrible when it creeps up on you like that especially when things seem to be on the up and it happens ~hugs Adam~

[Ariabella]

*slips in to leave hugs all around*

A quick update, I believed I had made smart choices to get my life on track and to start working toward a future, but everything has crashed and burned worse than before. Honestly, I now feel deep in my heart that I have no options and I despise where I am at in life right now. I'm out of my meds and not only cannot afford a refill, honestly, pills can only do so much. And when a life sucks and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, there's nothing pills can do. It's too many years of physical limitation (that i can't get treatment for nor approved for disability for), too much being beaten down and one too many people intimating that one is lazy because of said physical limitations. I literally forced myself out of bed this morning and honestly it's not going to be long before I simply go back.

And to my psychologist who prescribed writing and role play as my outlet...it only works if you feel like you have talent for the first and if you can find active willing partners for the second. When you can't, it makes things only feel worse.

*leaves another rounds of hugs before pondering going back to bed*

[Sybl]

*Leaves Ariabella a ton of hugs*

I wish I knew how to help you other than support you here, I understand fully by '

It's too many years of physical limitation (that i can't get treatment for nor approved for disability for), too much being beaten down and one too many people intimating that one is lazy because of said physical limitations. I literally forced myself out of bed this morning and honestly it's not going to be long before I simply go back.

'

I am so sorry that people are so shallow and critical of something they can neither see or feel.

I hope you get a lawyer and fight for your disability. I did, after 16 years of fighting I finally got a lawyer, and I won.

[Ariabella]

I had a lawyer for my hearing and he did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Part of my testimony was that I was let go from a cashiering position because I needed light duty. The vocational expert testified that cashiering is light duty and there was no reason I couldn't do it as I would never have to lift over ten pounds. Even if you found a place that said that in the job description, customers do not care what is in the job description. Plus the doctor wanted me to keep my legs elevated. How many cashiers have you seen doing that? My lawyer said nothing to either of these things.

The judge also disqualified my family physician as a treating doctor for my condition. It didn't help anything when my lawyer said "She goes to a clinic. You know how they are." I cannot get a treating physician- my GP tried. The ones who treat my condition do not accept the medical plan I am on (I don't have insurance, I have a plan through the hospital system). The ones who accept do not treat my condition.  Two social workers I've spoken to regarding my father's care were stunned that I wasn't approved on the Graves Disease alone...but the judge discounted everything my doctor sent them. Also, despite the fact that the doctors want me having my legs elevated above heart level and taking many breaks during the day, except for the first one, none will actually mark me as unable to work, because "They want me to get out of the house." Like I couldn't find other reasons to leave the house. So since none of my current doctors will say it (and probably partly because they know SS won't take their recommendation), I can't even file.

Since the hearing, I've noticed businesses are posting job descriptions on their application sites..and guess what...3 of the four places that I've checked explicitly say "CASHIERING IS NOT A LIGHT DUTY JOB..MUST BE ON FEET 8 HOURS A DAY AND ABLE TO REPEATEDLY LIFT 50-75 POUNDS." Wish they'd had them posted at the time of the hearing.

[Night Stalker]

Leaves Good Thoughts and Huge Hugs for all.

[Adammair]

*leaves hugs and lots of warmth and positive vibes for everyone who has visited, is visiting, and will visit this thread*

May you all be filled with the spirit of health, love, and happiness, now and always. *sends his prayer to the heavens and the gods*

[Rhedyn]

It's amazing how quickly a good mood can turn sour. Things have been going fairly well lately, the fight has been successful really until this week when I have felt myself begining to slide again. Then something happened yesterday that left me feeling confused and terribly guilty for no real reason. That little voice was back and had cultivated itself into a bit of a shout in telling me that I was a bad person, a failure, worthless.

I thought it was relating to what happened yesterday but I know now that I was sort of projecting it onto that as a way to find something tangeable to feel guilty over. That voice is good at manipulating my mind and telling me I'm going to ruin everything that makes me happy and in turn that makes me defensive and push people away.

It was this morning, when talking it out with someone who listens and doesn't judge me for it, that it boils down to this solicitors appointment today I have. It's to begin divorce proceedings, something that has had to wait three years, and while I don't still love my husband or want to be married to him the whole official thing with it makes me feel like an incredible failure. That going to do this finally means admitting that I wasn't good enough for him or able to succeed in something with it. It's brought back all those feelings from three years ago of uncertainty and failure and I was completely unprepared for that.

I don't want to be a blubbering, crying mess for this appointment but it's like I can't turn the waterworks off right now. I want it done so badly and yet I wish I didn't have to deal with it. It's one of those days where I don't want to be strong, like I've reached my limit of personal strength and am faltering under the weight trying to find my footing. The appointment will be over with soon enough, I hold onto the hope that I will feel better once it is done though the stress of having to do it, particularly having to face it with a bunch of people I don't know (official or not) when I find the whole social aspect so difficult anyway is fairly immense. I know it sounds silly, it's the sort of thing that most people wouldn't find quite so difficult, particularly concerning the face to face appointment with a stranger. I feel very alone today, even knowing I have people just a phone call or text away. Really I just wish someone was here in person to give me a hug.

[Sybl]

Rhedyn...
*big super comforting hugs*

You are not a failure. Circumstances brought you to this point. Like RP, every story has 2 sides, just as a coin has 2 sides. You didn't fail, life failed, circumstances failed, but not you. It takes 2 to make a marriage, a friendship, a RP, ...it takes two to make it or break it. That is life. You are not a failure. Not in the least.

I won't tell you to dry your eyes, in fact I will tell you to cry, because this is part of the healing process dear Rhedyn. Cry until you can't cry anymore, let those healing tears wash out the broken feeling, let those tears create the new improved Rhedyn. When a relation ends, it is likened to a death, here one day gone the next. So mourn your loss, grieve what was, then, when you are ready, you will start a new path, a path of positive healing energy, and you will be stronger for it. You will. I know, I have been there too, once upon a time ago.

It matters not what failed in the relationship, it matters that you grieve, then when you can, you add a little bit of knowledge to your belt, and go from their. Nothing is guaranteed to last forever, not even life. e are born we grow, we grow old and die, and then the cycle starts again, with a new life. So.. grieve and come out of this brand new.

*Hugs you tight and keeps you in my thoughts*

You will be alright, when it is your time to start growing again.

[Adammair]

Rhedyn...
*big super comforting hugs*

You are not a failure. Circumstances brought you to this point. Like RP, every story has 2 sides, just as a coin has 2 sides. You didn't fail, life failed, circumstances failed, but not you. It takes 2 to make a marriage, a friendship, a RP, ...it takes two to make it or break it. That is life. You are not a failure. Not in the least.

I won't tell you to dry your eyes, in fact I will tell you to cry, because this is part of the healing process dear Rhedyn. Cry until you can't cry anymore, let those healing tears wash out the broken feeling, let those tears create the new improved Rhedyn. When a relation ends, it is likened to a death, here one day gone the next. So mourn your loss, grieve what was, then, when you are ready, you will start a new path, a path of positive healing energy, and you will be stronger for it. You will. I know, I have been there too, once upon a time ago.

It matters not what failed in the relationship, it matters that you grieve, then when you can, you add a little bit of knowledge to your belt, and go from their. Nothing is guaranteed to last forever, not even life. e are born we grow, we grow old and die, and then the cycle starts again, with a new life. So.. grieve and come out of this brand new.

*Hugs you tight and keeps you in my thoughts*

You will be alright, when it is your time to start growing again.

+1

*hugs Rhedyn* You will be fine, dear one. You are far from a failure. You still have friends and family that support you, and that alone makes you a winner in this game we call life.

I agree with Sybl, though. Take the time to grieve, and chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and you'll come out the other side a better person all around. *smiles warmly and gives an extra hug, just because*

[Rhedyn]

~hugs on Sybl and Adam~

Thank you both. I'm ok, I felt a whole lot better once the appointment was done with but I needed to get the emotional rant out before going to it. Absolutely took me by surprise how hard it hit me given the whole separation was three years ago.

[Sybl]

I feel like I am in a void. A deep dark place.
Yesterday my split was out, today my wallet with everything I have was in it.
It is gone, I literally tore my apartment apart, it looks like a cyclone hit it...yeah that bad. Now I can't find it anywhere, and my personal care aid said it might be in the trash...great, why would she say that? Does she know where it is? I am so bummed. I was going to buy groceries today, now I can't, I don't know what to do.

[Oniya]

Have you asked your PCA why she said that?  It seems an odd thing to say, unless it was a case of 'the last place you'd think to look'.

[Sybl]

I did ask her and only got a smart mouth reply... the police are involved since early this morning when my visa was used in a sales purchase.