The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[MasterMischief]

I have been there.  Did not need to be tired or streessed, just distracted.

Hugs.

[despickable]

Xandi Lets hope they don't put you in charge of the nuclear bombs or we are all in trouble lol
We all have our moments when the mind and body don't seem to be on the same page. I know I have spent hours looking for my remote, and you know me, getting flustered and losing my cool, then it turned up in my cupboard, where I put it getting out some cookies. See it as a funny story and look back on it and laugh as you did by sharing it. All will hopefully right it self soon Xandi and you will be on top of things and back in the harness. (Take that which ever way you like lol)
My friend once tried to operate his microwave with his remote once and wondered why his TV was not working. We laughed about it for ages and I said his TV was lousy anyway cos it had nothing but cooking  programmes on it.

Love reading about your day hugs to you Xandi.

Des

[Autumn52]

Thanks guys.

Huggles you both

[Wistful Dream]

~leaves lots of hugs for her~

[Autumn52]

May 21, 2011

     I thought I would write what has been on my mind for the past few days. First of all I am not religious at all so none of this has changed my mind in that area. I am not trying to make a religious statement or to be controversial. I am simply going to state something that happened to me and the way I perceived the event. I will say that it has been a little unsettling but isn't the mind always unsettling in some ways.

The day of my surgery I was not anxious or unnervered in anyway. I had looked forward to getting the event overwith and moving on with my life. I have had several surgeries before and with each of them I always had some nervousness but not this time. This time, in my mind, I thought that since I knew what to expect I was more comfortable with everything and thus less nerves.

I got to the hospital at the appointed time and found out that there would be no wait time. I would be taken in as soon as the final pre op stuff could be done. I thought great no more waiting. Everything went along as the doctor had told me it would, no surprises there.

The strange thing happened in the actual operating room. I don't know how else to describe what happened while I was in that room other than to say strange. The anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me something to re........and that was all I heard. The next thing I know I am floating above that table where my corporeal body was and I felt the most horrible burning sensation inside my veins. I don't know what lava feels like but it is what I imagine lava would feel like. The veins all over my body were on fire and while I gasp for air, me not the body on the table, I began to wonder why I could see what they were doing. The burning eased up until it was finally gone and then I watched as they put a tube down my throat and began to work on my lifeless body.

At this point I was so confused by what was happening that I didn't listen much to what they were saying but when the doctor came in they began to tell him vital signs and stuff like that. I began to look around and it was strange, there were no walls, no boundaries as to what I could see. It was disconcerting at first until I saw someone I knew, two men I knew. I saw the two men sitting in a cell, a jail cell, one on a chair and the other on the side of the bed. I knew these men and so I watched them for a while. The bigger of the two was clearly concerned and urging the other one to find out information, the other finally rang for the guard and was lead out into a long hallway as he walked away I focused my attention back on the operation. Something was wrong I'm not sure what but the doctor was shouting out orders that made no sense to me until I looked at the screen that held my vital signs, my heart rate had stopped and the machine was breathing for me completely. I was more curious than afraid. I watched as they pumped medicines into the IV lines that they had put in. They did some compressions on my heart and it began a rhythm again. As it began again I was almost bored, I know it sounds strange but I have tried to understand this and that is the closest thing that describes my feeling in that moment. I let my eyes look around again and it was very odd how with no walls and boundaries I could zero in on anything, let alone people I knew, but I did. The next person that caught my attention was far away. In fact he was so far away that I thought I must be dead to be seeing him. I looked down and from my plain of existence I could see my corporeal body and the men in the jail cell and now this man. It was clear, it was all so clear as if being in three places at once. This third man was at work doing his job and living his life. For some odd reason I felt a need to touch this person, to make him see me. I am not sure why. I could see myself floating towards him until he was right in front of me and I reached out my hand, well I was see through so it was what use to be my hand and I touched a bead of sweat as it began to roll off his brow. Then as quickly as I was there I was back in that plain where all three things were happening simultaneously. I wasn't distracted, I wasn't annoyed, I just was. It was strange to have no feelings other that boredom. I watched thing transpire for however long the operations took. I don't really know how long it was actually, I never ask. My attention focused back on the men that had been in a cell before but now they were in a little waiting room. They both had tears in their eyes as the doctor spoke to them. I listened to what he said and they nodded and I still felt nothing. I had a twinge of regret when I saw the two cry but only a twinge. Then I saw my body in a room with a couple of people trying to wake me up every few minutes. I don't remember waking up, I don't remember them removing the tubes, I don't really remember much else except what I have said here.

The reason I am relating this is because while I believe in many things a place called purgatory or a waiting place between heaven an hell is not one of the things I believe in. So in an effort to place this event in my life in a place inside my mind and have it make sense with everything else in my mind I have to understand it, or try to anyway. I have since, being awake, read about people who claim to have had out of body experiences. While some of them sound similar to my experience there is something different in them all. Those people believe in heaven and hell and the whole nine yards and they could see a white light calling to them. I do not believe that and I saw no white light. It was as if I was a mere observer to something that happened to my physical body and while that was going on I observed a few other events that happened at the same time.

I did not relate all the events that I witnessed because this post is already long and boring even to me. The point is it was something unusual and while I don't feel that it really has had any impact on my life as a whole I do feel like it has had an impact on my psyche. You know the part of our minds that we shelve all the bits and pieces that make us up into who we are. The good, bad, and sometimes ugly events that have made us into the person we are in a physical form but also as a spiritual being.

I think that this blog post has helped me to put this in the place it needs to go and I feel better, as I always do, in just expressing myself. 

This is not an experience I will share with anyone I know in real life, if feels a little to personal for that. I appreciate this place as a place I can express myself and really look at my feelings. Thanks again, as always, for allowing me this outlet.

Hugs for all on this day which was suppose to spell doom and has only spelt happiness thus far. Snuggluffs all around.

[MasterMischief]

That sounds like a fascinating experience.  The few times I have been under the knife have been very surreal, but nothing like this.

I am just glad to have you back with us.

[despickable]

I second that  of MM and am glad to see you have returned to us here.
I have not experienced anything like that but i do know my late mother was seen leaving her death bed summoned by some light or angel but refused to go until she had said good bye to us before she passed on.

That blog was amazing recount and the recall of the experience is powerful Xandi You we guided back to us to share not only that story that image but you constant friendship we have with you here on E. All of us.
Thank you for sharing it

You will be back to your cheeky self in no time keep up the blogs i love to read them

[TaintedAndDelish]

It certainly sounds like an obe or a lucid dream. I think what matters most is your perception of it and how this information affects you -after all, its your head and your data, processes, etc..

Glad you are ok :)

[Autumn52]

Thanks guys, you're the best.

Hugs

[Ramster]

Wow. What an experience! This is the kind of thing you read about and wonder. Thanks so much for sharing with us Xandi, and I wish you a full and speedy recovery!

Hugs and smooches, just for that!

[Autumn52]

*Hugs Ramster*

June 1, 2011

My blog post today is really just to let everyone know about how I am doing since my surgery. I am recovering well. I have had some set backs and some great strides forward, which is to be expected I suppose. The next few weeks will be extremely busy for me. Since I have been sick and recovering I have fallen behind on a lot of things. (Personal & Career)

I have some good news to report, it seems my muse for RPing has returned. Yay me. I have 8 new stories all of which I am enjoying immensely. I have some great new writing partners, people I had not had the opportunity to write with before so I feel quite blessed. While we are on the subject of feeling blessed I just would like to state that I have always felt blessed, really. Even when I have had difficulty in my life I have felt that I was blest with the fortitude to overcome obstacles and achieve my goals. During dark days it is harder to see this aspect of my life but to be perfectly honest I am having fewer and fewer of those heavy black cloud days. I know that like everything else they will reappear from time to time but I want to enjoy my accomplishments while they are on hiatus.

There are a number of reasons I feel blessed. I mentioned that during difficult periods of my life I felt it was a blessing to be able to overcome and achieve. I guess another reason I feel blessed is that I seem to have a special knack for understanding things that some/most people overlook or are not able to see. I put 'overlook or not able to see' because I really don't know which it is. I remember even as a child noticing things that other children didn't notice. I think we all have something we find unique about ourselves if we truly look inward for any length of time. For me this is another reason I feel blessed. I know there are many more reasons that I could go on and on about but it all comes down to this; I am a blessed person. Blessed by fate or whatever higher purpose their is but blessed nonetheless.

I want to thank you, as I always do, for letting me express what is on my mind in this blog. I thank you for reading it and hope you have a great day.

Hugs to all

[Captain Maltese]

I never thought if was possible for someone to be both blessed and a blessiing, before now.

[MasterMischief]

Yay more RP partners!   

[Autumn52]

June 10, 2011

I am having a great day today, yesterday had a lot of ups and downs but today is great so far. I wanted to let everyone know my recovery is going well and I am back at work not fully yet but doing something which feels pretty good. A friend of mine helped me to see something I had never noticed before.

I was pretty depressed for a few days, not feeling well and my recovery not going as well as I had hoped and then a few things happened with my job and I kicked into gear. My friend helped me see that while my job is stressful and hard I really do enjoy kicking peoples asses. I mean you know, not literally, well not all the time anyway. *smiles* I guess what I mean is that my job seems to be an outlet for me to get rid of some of my frustrations. While it is the cause of a lot of those frustrations, like yesterday, it also allows me the outlet I need to stay grounded in HappyLand or XandiLand as we call it here at E. I am thrilled to know this because it changes my outlook on my job entirely.

I enjoy working, I do most of my work from home which is why I can be online so freaking much. But I do have occasions to go in to the office and have meeting and you know all that shit. I love it. I absolutely love the fact that I have options.

Anyway enough about me. I hope all my friends are doing well and enjoying the warm spring/summer weather. It has been extremely hot here and we still have had NO rain this year. I have to say that at least the dust hasn't been blowing as bad this week.

Live, Love and enjoy what life has to offer.

Hugs for all.

[MasterMischief]

Hugs Xandi tightly.

[elone]

Good to know that you are doing so well and have been able to return to work. That's a great step because it sounds like work is something that you enjoy. You must be valued to be able to work from home, not everyone is given that type of option.

Keep up the improving recovery, sounds like you are also in a better frame of mind as you begin to feel better.

Love and hugs

[Autumn52]

Thanks guys for being so supportive. Hugs you both.

6-20-11

This week and upcoming weekend will be very busy for me. I am not sure how much time I will have to be on E or write in my stories. I am glad for the work but sorry that it is coming so fast. I would really have liked one more week to recover but life doesn't always give you what you want or even need so you just roll with the punches. Which is what I am doing.

Hugs to everyone and hope you are all having a good week.

[Autumn52]

6-23-11

It is Thursday and I woke early this morning with something on my mind. Have you ever had someone that just gets under your skin. I mean it seems if you say black they say white, if you say moon they say sun. One of those people who always assumes the worst and never knows how to just encourage without shooting someone else down? I know one such person and she constantly makes snide remarks, tries to make herself look like the only one who knows anything about anything and assumes if she isn't in on a conversation that you are doing something wrong. Yes this person assumes a lot. She puts on the face of someone who wants to help, that is when she gives a damn about what you think, and then she snidely downs others, makes others feel like shit just because she can.

My first question is why? Why does anyone want to be this way? Is she really that insecure about herself that she must try to make others feel stupid or inadequate? Does it make her feel superior in some way to do this? I have to say that my initial reaction is anger. It really pisses me off when she does this. I try to avoid her at all cost. I have given up things that I enjoy just to avoid her. I know that may not be a good idea but it is a worse idea to pen me in with this woman.

I have never lost my temper with this person. I simply sit in aw at how she systematically disembowels anyone who crosses her path and she does so with a smile on her face. She is younger than me and not that it matters but I was taught if you have nothing good to say then keep your fucking mouth shut. Maybe it is a generational thing. Hell maybe it is just me. I just don't understand anyone who after making someone else feel bad can smile and go about their day happy that they have hurt someone elses feelings.

This person has a measure of authority which is another issue all together. No one wants to make her angry because then it will be hell to pay for not just that person but everyone else. I have seen someone ask her a simple question that required a simple answer and instead of giving that she says some shit like mind your own business I'll do it when I feel like it. So now you see why I avoid this person. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut. I am not good at seeing someone be a bully towards other people just because they can and not say anything. So I avoid. The problem becomes when we have to have contact she doesn't get it that I really don't like her or maybe she doesn't care.

So what to do about this person? The way I see it my options are as follows: 1)Keep avoiding and try even harder to escape her wicked tongue. 2)Tell her what I think of her and risk a very unpleasant scene, which doesn't deter me except for the fact that others would have to deal with her afterwards. 3)Try talking to her about how she comes across. I have thought that maybe she doesn't see how she comes across to other people. The problem with this is that I have seen others try this approach and she has said, "I am me and you can like it or not, I don't give a shit." So that is probably not a good idea either cause if she says that to me I am going to pelt her in the mouth, and tell her 'to like that or not I don't give a shit.' I know that is foolish but I also know myself well enough to know I need to avoid a situation like that.

So if anyone has suggestions on how to deal with this problem and keep my sanity and not go to jail for assault I would appreciate it.

I promised when I started this thread that my concerns would be voiced here. I really appreciate the gods and goddesses of E for allowing me this opportunity.

This is the kind of thing that I can't really talk about with people in my RL because I don't want to put anyone in an awkward position. So any thoughts on this subject, suggestions, anything would be appreciated.

I do have to deal with this person and I would like to learn a way to see her without getting angry before words are even spoken.

Help.....

Hugs and Kisses as always and thank you for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

[TaintedAndDelish]

Xandi,

I found that what works for me is this: imaigine that you are that particular person that you hate. Try your best to see things from their perspective, through their eyes, and try to imagine the pain and discomfort that they feel. Mentally assault that person with eveything you have - torturing them mercilessly, and then switch roles and try your best to immerse into that character and experience that wrath. Try to suffer as that person would, try to feel the very hurt, sadness and rejection that they would feel.

This isn't a one minute cure, but it can certainly enhance your perspective of her.


From what you described, it sounds like she is an asshole and she is not about to change. Yes, I know from personal experience that it can be a lot of fun to be a dick and cut people down or abuse authority.. But under that layer of crap is a real person... And probably an injured one too...

As for how to deal with her it sounds like you are doing the right thing by avoiding her. You know what will happen if you make a stand against her and the consequences do not sounds favorable. It sucks but it is what it is.

Good luck with this one...I'll say a prayer... That she gets hit by a bus.

[Autumn52]

Ohhh a bus......*puts thinking cap on and tries to arrange a bus*

You didn't hear that.

Thanks Tainted. I know we all have people like this in our lives but sometimes it just grates the wrong way.

Hugs and smooches. Have a wonderful day my friend.

[Terris Geolith]

He blinked at the bus bit but shook his head.

"I've come across a lot of people who do that type of talking. The devil with the smile. They say what they say and then when it affects others, they act like nothing happened. It's all a mind trip really. To get inside your head, take something from you you didn't even know you had. Then hold it up and front of you and tease you about trying to get it back. Happens to the best of us. But I always like to believe that those people will talk themselves into a corner and never get out. Then they won't be smiling as much. But I'm just a half-demon; a half-demon who's struggles do not end nor sleep...so...take my words with the grainiest of salts."

[Autumn52]

Thank you Terris. I take your words with serious consideration. I know that we all have people like this around us or have known someone like this. My trial, as I see it, is learning how not to let it affect me so negatively. Any and all suggestions or comments are appreciated because I feel that maybe someone has found a better way than me. You are most likely right. But from my experience the world is never just and so people like this always get away with shit just because. That is what infuriates me.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me my friend.

Hugs

[elone]

I like the bus idea.!

But seriously, i think that people that always have to put down others do so out of insecurity. It is a defensive attitude that says "do unto others before thy can do unto you."  You say she has a measure of authority. Does that mean she is your boss in some manner, or in some type of managerial position that could affect you personally? That would be a bad situation.

I think the physical assault  approach is probably the least desirable option. Avoiding this person is the easiest way, but you said at times that is not an option.

Personally, I think that I would mention something to her when she makes her rude or demeaning comments. Something like "Why did you say that about _____?" If she is really just a nasty person you will probably get something like "Mind your own business" in reply. At least you will have made some effort to find out why she is nasty. Doesn't sound like she is worth the effort to get to know better. Does the woman have any friends? If so, ask them about her.

That being said, some people are just that way. If you get angry about it all you are doing is feeding into her problem which may be exactly what she is looking for (a reaction). Sounds like a psychological problem and I am not sure it is a problem you would want to take on.

If this is a workplace situation you always have the option going to someone who has the authority to deal with her if she is affecting the operations of the office.

So, unless you want to put out a lot of effort into her, I would go with avoidance. When you have to interact, just sit on your fists.

This probably isn't much help, just my 2 cents worth.

Hand in there *hugs*

[MasterMischief]

Taylor Swift - Mean

[Captain Maltese]

Most of us meet a whole lot of this type of people in our daily lives; annoying individuals that can destroy our days with just a callous remark or a disdainful act. I have seen them as leaders, teachers, doctors, officers, colleages, customers, and relatives. They are the Unavoidables; you can't really choose to have them in your life or not unless you are willing to relocate into the wilderness. Myself I still try to avoid dealing with them when I can, and to think of them as having poor people skills when they hit one of my buttons once more. They can't be helped. If anything, you are seldom singled out - these guys treat everyone the same shitty way.

I feel however that my own aggravation is soothed a lot when I do like you Xandi just did - you voiced your irritation and got it off your chest. It helped a lot, didn't it?