May 21, 2011
I thought I would write what has been on my mind for the past few days. First of all I am not religious at all so none of this has changed my mind in that area. I am not trying to make a religious statement or to be controversial. I am simply going to state something that happened to me and the way I perceived the event. I will say that it has been a little unsettling but isn't the mind always unsettling in some ways.
The day of my surgery I was not anxious or unnervered in anyway. I had looked forward to getting the event overwith and moving on with my life. I have had several surgeries before and with each of them I always had some nervousness but not this time. This time, in my mind, I thought that since I knew what to expect I was more comfortable with everything and thus less nerves.
I got to the hospital at the appointed time and found out that there would be no wait time. I would be taken in as soon as the final pre op stuff could be done. I thought great no more waiting. Everything went along as the doctor had told me it would, no surprises there.
The strange thing happened in the actual operating room. I don't know how else to describe what happened while I was in that room other than to say strange. The anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me something to re........and that was all I heard. The next thing I know I am floating above that table where my corporeal body was and I felt the most horrible burning sensation inside my veins. I don't know what lava feels like but it is what I imagine lava would feel like. The veins all over my body were on fire and while I gasp for air, me not the body on the table, I began to wonder why I could see what they were doing. The burning eased up until it was finally gone and then I watched as they put a tube down my throat and began to work on my lifeless body.
At this point I was so confused by what was happening that I didn't listen much to what they were saying but when the doctor came in they began to tell him vital signs and stuff like that. I began to look around and it was strange, there were no walls, no boundaries as to what I could see. It was disconcerting at first until I saw someone I knew, two men I knew. I saw the two men sitting in a cell, a jail cell, one on a chair and the other on the side of the bed. I knew these men and so I watched them for a while. The bigger of the two was clearly concerned and urging the other one to find out information, the other finally rang for the guard and was lead out into a long hallway as he walked away I focused my attention back on the operation. Something was wrong I'm not sure what but the doctor was shouting out orders that made no sense to me until I looked at the screen that held my vital signs, my heart rate had stopped and the machine was breathing for me completely. I was more curious than afraid. I watched as they pumped medicines into the IV lines that they had put in. They did some compressions on my heart and it began a rhythm again. As it began again I was almost bored, I know it sounds strange but I have tried to understand this and that is the closest thing that describes my feeling in that moment. I let my eyes look around again and it was very odd how with no walls and boundaries I could zero in on anything, let alone people I knew, but I did. The next person that caught my attention was far away. In fact he was so far away that I thought I must be dead to be seeing him. I looked down and from my plain of existence I could see my corporeal body and the men in the jail cell and now this man. It was clear, it was all so clear as if being in three places at once. This third man was at work doing his job and living his life. For some odd reason I felt a need to touch this person, to make him see me. I am not sure why. I could see myself floating towards him until he was right in front of me and I reached out my hand, well I was see through so it was what use to be my hand and I touched a bead of sweat as it began to roll off his brow. Then as quickly as I was there I was back in that plain where all three things were happening simultaneously. I wasn't distracted, I wasn't annoyed, I just was. It was strange to have no feelings other that boredom. I watched thing transpire for however long the operations took. I don't really know how long it was actually, I never ask. My attention focused back on the men that had been in a cell before but now they were in a little waiting room. They both had tears in their eyes as the doctor spoke to them. I listened to what he said and they nodded and I still felt nothing. I had a twinge of regret when I saw the two cry but only a twinge. Then I saw my body in a room with a couple of people trying to wake me up every few minutes. I don't remember waking up, I don't remember them removing the tubes, I don't really remember much else except what I have said here.
The reason I am relating this is because while I believe in many things a place called purgatory or a waiting place between heaven an hell is not one of the things I believe in. So in an effort to place this event in my life in a place inside my mind and have it make sense with everything else in my mind I have to understand it, or try to anyway. I have since, being awake, read about people who claim to have had out of body experiences. While some of them sound similar to my experience there is something different in them all. Those people believe in heaven and hell and the whole nine yards and they could see a white light calling to them. I do not believe that and I saw no white light. It was as if I was a mere observer to something that happened to my physical body and while that was going on I observed a few other events that happened at the same time.
I did not relate all the events that I witnessed because this post is already long and boring even to me. The point is it was something unusual and while I don't feel that it really has had any impact on my life as a whole I do feel like it has had an impact on my psyche. You know the part of our minds that we shelve all the bits and pieces that make us up into who we are. The good, bad, and sometimes ugly events that have made us into the person we are in a physical form but also as a spiritual being.
I think that this blog post has helped me to put this in the place it needs to go and I feel better, as I always do, in just expressing myself.
This is not an experience I will share with anyone I know in real life, if feels a little to personal for that. I appreciate this place as a place I can express myself and really look at my feelings. Thanks again, as always, for allowing me this outlet.
Hugs for all on this day which was suppose to spell doom and has only spelt happiness thus far. Snuggluffs all around.