April 20, 2012
Today I want to make this blog post about a dear friend who turned foe in the last years of his life. While we were not friends in the end of his life I find it hard to not think of him as such. Each time I hear the song ‘Strawberry Wine’ by Deanne Carter I think of him. I find it odd that I have lost two important men in my life during the month of April, a month I consider to be for rebirth. The first man was my oldest brother who died on April 11, 1992 and now this man who died yesterday.
I have talked before about my brother but I want to talk about this man, I will call him Pete. Pete found me at a vulnerable stage in my life and he helped me gain confidence. After my marriage, I had lost a lot of my self-confidence and he helped me see that I only need to believe in myself. He was a good friend to me for a few years and he taught me a lot, and for that I will always be grateful.
Pete and I shared a sexual relationship, but it was never monogamous. I knew he was out of my league and I never really gave it much thought. We worked together for a while but my hard headedness and his stubborn streak clashed more often than not. Things turned bad about a year ago, I sort of went my way and he went his after a long drawn out fight. I had hoped that we could be friends but he did a few things that were not so friendly and I decided to cut him out of my life. It was, for me, the right thing to do, but I missed him. He had been such a big part of my life, and my personal rebirth, that I had always hoped we could work things out.
My hopes were crushed when even before his death he continued to be hateful to me. Oh he said some things that were hurtful, he did some things that were hurtful, but in the end I forgave him anyway. I did it because I knew his light would go out soon and I did not want him to die thinking I despised him. I have given this a lot of thought and I think I loved him, I despised what he had become, but I loved him. I wanted him to know that when he died, and he did. I feel at peace with his death, but even so there is a sadness that lingers. He was someone who pushed me, he forced me to be my very best and for that I will never be able to repay him. I think it is sad when any light goes out but particularly one like his. I can't describe how my universe has been darkened by his death. I don't live in darkness but he was a light that shone so bright, for a time, that he was his own sun and now that light is gone. I won't mourn him in the usual way, for that was not our relationship. I will remember what he taught me and try to carry the good things forward and let the bad things fade. This is how I chose to remember him. I will memorialize him with a chant I wrote for him a year ago, no one will ever hear this chant but he knew about it. I will remember him each time I am able to pay it forward with someone who needs a lift, and I will remember him by living my life to the full each and every day.
I think this experience has taught me a couple of things about myself that it will take me a while to figure out. The first is that I seem to have developed a patterned of how I allow people to treat me, people who say they love me and yet do things that say they don’t. My concern is that I break that pattern, something I will think about for a long time to come. Second, I think I have the ability to cut people out of my life to easily. I want to think about this long and hard because I don’t want to do that with someone who is a friend. I have used that as a way to overcome heartache in the past but now I find it has become a crutch and I think I need to examine that about myself.
I guess this blog post is to say; Grab hold of those you love and show them, tell them, before it is too late. Let them know how much you appreciate them and don’t let an opportunity pass by that allows you to grow as a person. I hope I have learned from this experience. I hope I never stop learning about myself.
As always thank you for reading and please continue to: LIVE, LOVE, and LAUGH for life is too short to do otherwise.