April 8, 2011
Have you ever listened to the song The Dance by Garth Brooks. Well if not give it a listen because it is sort of how my thoughts are rolling this morning. Not necessarily about love but life in general. I am glad I didn't know the way everything in my life would turn out because I know I would have changed some things and that would have changed me. While there have been painful things in my life, they have made me who I am. I think those things have made that part of me that I am most proud of. But lets face it, if you knew in advance about painful things who wouldn't chose not to endure those things. So it is best for me that they have been left to chance and still are.
Yesterday I mentioned that I would be talking to you about something else and I am a bit of a coward about it. I don't want to talk about it actually. I want to forget it and pretend it never happened. I am good at that. I am good at pretending that things are as they have always been when they aren't and wont be.
Ok here it goes, first let me say I don't want sympathy, we all have shit in our lives and I am no different.
Last year, early in the year, I was attacked. My physical body suffered some damage that I have spent the last year coming to terms with. I am not scarred from that attack on the outside but the inside just doesn't seem to want to heal. The place where the most damage was done was a place that had several injuries before. The reason I am thinking about this now is that I have another go with the doctor in a few days and while I know what to expect it is still not pleasant and it reminds me of the reasons why I have this damage.
I did not tell anyone about the attack when it happened, most of my friends still don't know. I felt ashamed that I wasn't able to defend myself better. I felt ashamed that I knew this person had dated him a few times and he was friends with some of my other friends. I thought that everyone would blame me because I am so flirty. I drove myself to the hospital after the attack and when ask to make a report I lied and said that I didn't know the person and that it wasn't an attack it was just rough sex gone bad. I know it was a stupid thing to do but that is what I did. I was hospitalized for a few days. Made to see a counselor and everyone tried to convince me to report the man. I did not.
Now the emotional scars of that incident have been strange. They are there but I find that I can detach myself from the attack in my head and see it as an observer. I have had experience with that and while it isn't the best way to deal with things sometimes it is the only way I can deal.
Back to the scars inside. I am at a point in my life that I wonder how much a body can endure before it shuts down. Emotionally as well as physically. I have been amazed at how the body repairs itself and while it isn't the way it was before it works. I have come close to calling off this doctors appointment but I just don't have it in me to call if off. I have fought my whole life and it seems like quitting if I don't at least try. So I will.
I guess time will tell what will happen but my biggest regret is that I hurt someone during this time or maybe he hurt me who knows. I needed to be loved to feel loved and I thought that that would fix me. It didn't. It wasn't fair to the man, who I never told about what happened, who doesn't know a lot of things that have happened to me. While I figured out that he wasn't the fix, he did help me figure out, inadvertently, that I can accept that I am damaged and that I am ok with that. I think he was as close to a soul mate as I have ever had. That is not to say I won't find love but it won't be the same and that is ok too. The future is unwritten and I like that. I like thinking about that I write my own book. I just hope that someday it makes more sense than it does right now.
I won't ever be the person I was before all the things that have happened in my life but I don't want to be that person. I wish I could get back some of the things I have lost but if that means losing what I have learned then, no. I have learned a lot about myself, some good some bad. But I think the most important thing I have learned about me is that I am a survivor and come hell or high water I will fight to my last breath.
A couple of things I feel I need to say. The man who attacked me wont be attacking anyone else ever again. He died. So I don't lie awake at night wondering if he will hurt someone else. How he died isn't important but it happened right after the attack.
Now the other thing I want to say is please don't feel sorry for me. Don't send me PM's and express your sympathy. I don't want or need sympathy. The only reason I wrote this blog is because when I began it I promised myself that I would be honest, honest even when I didn't really want to be. This is something that has been on my mind and I shared it because I wanted to say, No matter what life has thrown at me it has made me the woman I am today, good, bad and ugly. I like me most of the time. I also think it is important for me to type this out because I feel a sense of self acceptance in doing so. While I have made mistakes, I have lived with those. I guess that is the trick, living with our choices.
Hugs and again I have rambled on way to long. My friends, you also make me a better person because I have gotten to know some of you and knowing that you are doing what I am doing makes me smile. We are surviving and isn't that what life is. Life equals a test of our survival skills. Maybe sometimes we are graded on a sliding scale but that is ok too. *Smiles*