The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[Autumn52]

Thanks Wisti. Hugs back

[MasterMischief]

That was really out of line.  I am sorry that she does not seem to realize the value of your friendship.  You deserve so much more.

[Ramster]

I'm disgusted, what can I say? Here's hoping your other friends repay your friendship better!

*Hugs and smooches*

[Autumn52]

That was really out of line.  I am sorry that she does not seem to realize the value of your friendship.  You deserve so much more.

Thank you MM for your kind words. Hugs.

I'm disgusted, what can I say? Here's hoping your other friends repay your friendship better!

*Hugs and smooches*

Thanks Ramster, you are sweet as ever. Hugs.

[Terris Geolith]

"Friendship is...a strange thing. I don't think I have as many friends as I have fingers and toes. Maybe I have none at all. But sometime people never notice the things in front of them. And it's a shame that yours is just a little blind to the cause. But you seem to surround yourself with intelligent people, so do not let one dark stain affect your good spirit."

He slips a Blue Rose into Xandi's hand and gives her a hug before he fades away.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Terris for your kind words and for the blue rose. You are a sweet one. *smiles*

[Autumn52]

April 4, 2011

Lets see today my mind in whirling around some things that need to be said. I am not sure I am strong enough to say these things to the people that they should be said to so I will say them here and get them off my chest. Now before you get worried, this has nothing to do with anyone from Elliquiy and it is not going to be another endless rant.

I think it is important to tell the people who mean something to you how much they mean and why. I don't have that many people who have had a real impact on my life but their have been a few. One that comes to mind is a boss I had once. He sort of saved me from myself at one point in my life and I don't think I have ever had the guts to tell him that. I mean he was understanding but he never let me whine. He was the sort of man who pointed forward to what is left and moving on. Embracing change and embracing what comes next. I admire that in him, did then and do now. I have always hated change even though I have embraced it many times in my life. With change comes difference and with difference comes the unknown and with that comes, you got it, fear. Now I would not say that I am a person who shies away from fear but everyone has their own personal demons that they stash in the back of their minds, that they don't ever intend on facing. (well I do or did anyway) This man encouraged me to face those demons and fight. Telling me that even if I lost the battle I could be proud that I fought. He always reminded me that, living to fight another day is well worth anything that we might suffer in the meantime. Because the next time we fight that demon we just might win and then they are no more. That has happened a couple of times in my life and recently I found that it happened again. Each time I win a battle I find myself amazed that it actually happened. (still proud as hell but nonetheless surprised)

Now if you were to meet this man you might not think him the encouraging type. When I first met him I thought he was a narcissistic bastard. Yeah I know not very nice but he comes across very brash. I am glad that he took me under his wing and taught me what he has. I don't know if he had known then what he knows now if he would have chosen to take me on but I'm glad that he did.

Next on my list is a person who I only met recently. This man is someone who I have respected for sometime, never thinking we would ever have the chance to become friends because, well lets face it, I'm not the easiest person to get to know and he seemed a little stand offish too. So I just thought I would admire his strength from a far and I was very happy to do that. One day we started talking and for some reason it was as though we had known each other for years. I'm sure you have met people like that before. Even though you are so different you seem to know each other very well. It seemed that is the way it was with this man. Now before anyone goes and gets the wrong idea we have never had sexual physical contact. Our relationship is different from that. Oh we tease and stuff but never once has he laid a hand on me or the other way around. I think the reason I find it necessary to put that in this post is because while I am a flirty one on here and in real life I don't jump into bed with every dick around. Why I feel the need to clarify that is beyond me but I am sure you understand.

Now back to my new friend. He seems to be reserved even now after several months of being friends and I don't mind I think in some ways I am too. The point is that he has given so much of himself to me, so much counsel and help. He has saved my life a few times, take that as you may. He never judges me and he understands me in a way that I don't think anyone ever has. It is comforting to know that you are accepted for you. That is the biggest gift a friend can give and he has. He accepts me without question and he expect nothing. It is freeing.

Now while I know I will never be able to thank these two gentleman for all they have done for me what I can do is continue to be the person that makes them proud. It makes me proud too but it is nice to see the smile on their faces when I do something so totally defiant. Sometimes defiant against something one or both of them have told me they think is good. It is kinda fun to still shock them on occasion. I must say that it gets more difficult to shock them each time though. But don't you worry I won't run out of ideas on that score.

Now for my friends at E. What can I say, you are my back bone. I really feel like I am talking to family when I write and we share our lives. Thank you all. Thank all of you who take the time to make me part of your circle. I am grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Snuggles and Huggles abound today. So do happy smiles and wishful tomorrows.

[crystaltears]

*Hugs Miss Xandi close.* I'm glad you have such friends, Miss Xandi, and a family here to talk to. Every time you write I learn something new about you and it's just as beautiful as I imagine you to be. So I'm glad you resolve to continue being who you are, for them, for yourself. You bring a smile to my lips for the woman that you are. No less. No more. Just you.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Little One that is the biggest compliment anyone can give. Thank you very much and I hope your days go wells too. Hugs and cuddles.

[crystaltears]

*Happily returns the hugs and cuddles.*

[Autumn52]

April 7, 2011

Over the last few days I have had some ups and downs. I have thought a lot about that and I guess we all have times in our lives when we go through stages like the one I am in right now. I have had a lot of changes in my life over the last few months and even the last year so I guess it is only natural that I have some highs and lows coming to terms with that.

I first want to talk about an incredible low that I had because I think it is important for me to say. I have always considered myself on a journey through life and on this journey I have made mistakes and won some victories. Something completely rocked me to my core beliefs this week and I wasn't sure if I could recover to be quite honest. You see on this journey of mine I have lived but a code of sorts, an honor system that I made with myself. This code, I felt, was my core being. The person I am inside was built on this code of honor. It sort of sounds stupid when I say it outloud like this but maybe if I describe it another way you might understand. You see most people have a value system. Some create their own and others follow what society has developed as acceptable. My code of honor is what my value system is built on. Well to make a long story short I broke one of my fundamental rules. I not only broke it I demolished it. Now I have done so before, but not like this. I became the very thing I have hated my whole life. I became the person who doesn't even live by my own rules for nothing other than an angry outburst. After realizing what I had done, because believe me when I say I did not know what I was doing at the time, I felt sick. I actually threw up and lock myself in the bathroom hitting my head against a wall until I needed 2 stitches. I am so disappointed in myself. I am still disappointed in myself. I don't think I will ever quite be the same but that is not to say I haven't gotten better.

What I did is far less important than how it made me feel. I have had a temper my whole life. I have controlled my temper my whole life. As a kid growing up I watched my parents fuss and fight and sometimes throw things. I was violently attack by my father as a teenager for a minor offense and so all of this made me know that even though I have a temper I would not let it get the best of me. When I feel that temper rising I retreat, either from the situation that is causing me to get angry or the person. I have often told a person to leave me alone until I can calm down and then we will discuss it. I think that is the mature thing to do when something upsets you. I have always done that. Why on this occasion I was unable to do that I am not sure. I wish I understood because then I could prevent it from happening again. To be honest that is what I fear most, it happening again.

I guess when I realized that I can't even live up to my own standards I thought for a moment 'what's the point.' I am use to not living up to other peoples standards. Hell aren't we all? But my own code, that is harder to swallow.  Now that I'm calmer and have had time to understand it and think it through, also had time to punish myself, I feel better. (yes I punish myself harsh at times but it makes me feel better. I am not a cutter if that is what you are thinking. I just had someone spank me, really, really hard.)

You know what is the real kick in the ass with this whole experience? Having to admit to myself that I suck sometimes. Really, no matter what happens or what someone else does, losing my temper and doing something that is against my own personal code of honor is never the answer. That just makes me suck not them. So I consider this, lesson learned. While I am sure that I will fuck up again and again. I hope that I wont make this same mistake again and again.

Now on to something else. Maybe I should hold off and save this for another blog post since this one is already getting rather lengthy. I think I will. You, my friends, are patient and I thank you for listening to my ramblings.

Snuggle adores you all.

[crystaltears]

*Snuggleadores back.* Your 'ramblings' are well worth listening too, Miss Xandi. And everyone makes mistakes.

Iressi actually said something to me a few days ago that seems relevant here... See I've a strong tendency to spend money on things I don't need. >.> Rather, a very strong desire. It was an example set by me for my mom because she spends money all the time, even when they can't afford it, and Dad doesn't have the... will to tell her she can't (cause she makes all our lives miserable when she doesn't get her way). So at any rate.. I want to be wasteful and buy things I really don't need almost all the time. And I'm worse about friends.

But we've managed to move into a new place and I've restrained myself and put bills ahead of everything else and managed our financial standing since we moved in. He told me it made him proud that I wasn't like my mom. And I said we're not all that different, the desire is there, I just put the bills before the things I don't need.

He said that made all the difference in the world. He views it, in fact, as more of an accomplishment than it would be for someone to whom managing money comes easily because I have to work at it every day and have to stop myself and check myself...

Like you work at managing your temper. *Hugs* Keep your chin up, Miss. There's always curves in the road of life, we just adapt as we keep moving forward. *Cuddles into her Miss and adores her.*

[Terris Geolith]

Terris gently flicked his wrist and made a blue Rose appear before him. He allowed it to float in the air before he began to talk.

"Never feel ashamed to express whatever you have to express, no matter how long it is. And it's not stupid to have a code. I live by one as well. Fight the good fight, search for the true meaning of love, whatever that may be. Of course, the only person that understands that code is me. That's as it should be, I suppose. I know I'm nothing in the minds of certain people...but that doesn't mean I shouldn't fight for something."

He gives a shrug and a wave.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Little One. You are always a ray of sunshine. Yes curves in the road is a good way to put it. But I fear not my tomorrow because I have a bright ray of sunshine to guide me and her name is Crys. *smiles and snuggles*

Terris thank you. Yes I know we each have our own code to live by and no matter what anyone thinks we have to fight for what we believe in. Its an honor to know you and that you fight for your code too. Thanks again. I love blue roses.
*smiles and hugs*

[despickable]

It's great to get things out of your system which ever way you can. Writing it down rather than throwing it round is the best . I use humour as you know to deflect and cover, not always a good option. Keep up the blogs dear Xandi, they are a great source of help, not only for you writing them, but for others here who read them. Sharing your thoughts with others can often be more of a comfort to others than we know. I am too lazy to write a blog each week that's why for me music and my PS2  are my outlet  to vent.

"huggles to you"
Des

[Autumn52]

April 8, 2011

Have you ever listened to the song The Dance by Garth Brooks. Well if not give it a listen because it is sort of how my thoughts are rolling this morning. Not necessarily about love but life in general. I am glad I didn't know the way everything in my life would turn out because I know I would have changed some things and that would have changed me. While there have been painful things in my life, they have made me who I am. I think those things have made that part of me that I am most proud of. But lets face it, if you knew in advance about painful things who wouldn't chose not to endure those things. So it is best for me that they have been left to chance and still are.

Yesterday I mentioned that I would be talking to you about something else and I am a bit of a coward about it. I don't want to talk about it actually. I want to forget it and pretend it never happened. I am good at that. I am good at pretending that things are as they have always been when they aren't and wont be.

Ok here it goes, first let me say I don't want sympathy, we all have shit in our lives and I am no different.

Last year, early in the year, I was attacked. My physical body suffered some damage that I have spent the last year coming to terms with. I am not scarred from that attack on the outside but the inside just doesn't seem to want to heal. The place where the most damage was done was a place that had several injuries before. The reason I am thinking about this now is that I have another go with the doctor in a few days and while I know what to expect it is still not pleasant and it reminds me of the reasons why I have this damage.

I did not tell anyone about the attack when it happened, most of my friends still don't know. I felt ashamed that I wasn't able to defend myself better. I felt ashamed that I knew this person had dated him a few times and he was friends with some of my other friends. I thought that everyone would blame me because I am so flirty. I drove myself to the hospital after the attack and when ask to make a report I lied and said that I didn't know the person and that it wasn't an attack it was just rough sex gone bad. I know it was a stupid thing to do but that is what I did. I was hospitalized for a few days. Made to see a counselor and everyone tried to convince me to report the man. I did not.

Now the emotional scars of that incident have been strange. They are there but I find that I can detach myself from the attack in my head and see it as an observer. I have had experience with that and while it isn't the best way to deal with things sometimes it is the only way I can deal.

Back to the scars inside. I am at a point in my life that I wonder how much a body can endure before it shuts down. Emotionally as well as physically. I have been amazed at how the body repairs itself and while it isn't the way it was before it works. I have come close to calling off this doctors appointment but I just don't have it in me to call if off. I have fought my whole life and it seems like quitting if I don't at least try. So I will.

I guess time will tell what will happen but my biggest regret is that I hurt someone during this time or maybe he hurt me who knows. I needed to be loved to feel loved and I thought that that would fix me. It didn't. It wasn't fair to the man, who I never told about what happened, who doesn't know a lot of things that have happened to me. While I figured out that he wasn't the fix, he did help me figure out, inadvertently, that I can accept that I am damaged and that I am ok with that. I think he was as close to a soul mate as I have ever had. That is not to say I won't find love but it won't be the same and that is ok too. The future is unwritten and I like that. I like thinking about that I write my own book. I just hope that someday it makes more sense than it does right now.

I won't ever be the person I was before all the things that have happened in my life but I don't want to be that person. I wish I could get back some of the things I have lost but if that means losing what I have learned then, no. I have learned a lot about myself, some good some bad. But I think the most important thing I have learned about me is that I am a survivor and come hell or high water I will fight to my last breath.

A couple of things I feel I need to say. The man who attacked me wont be attacking anyone else ever again. He died. So I don't lie awake at night wondering if he will hurt someone else. How he died isn't important but it happened right after the attack.

Now the other thing I want to say is please don't feel sorry for me. Don't send me PM's and express your sympathy. I don't want or need sympathy. The only reason I wrote this blog is because when I began it I promised myself that I would be honest, honest even when I didn't really want to be. This is something that has been on my mind and I shared it because I wanted to say, No matter what life has thrown at me it has made me the woman I am today, good, bad and ugly. I like me most of the time. I also think it is important for me to type this out because I feel a sense of self acceptance in doing so. While I have made mistakes, I have lived with those. I guess that is the trick, living with our choices.

Hugs and again I have rambled on way to long. My friends, you also make me a better person because I have gotten to know some of you and knowing that you are doing what I am doing makes me smile. We are surviving and isn't that what life is. Life equals a test of our survival skills. Maybe sometimes we are graded on a sliding scale but that is ok too. *Smiles*

Snuggluffs.

[Captain Maltese]

*hugs* Life is one long struggle for some. Many fall for much less than you have faced and never get up again. Yet you are still standing. I am so proud of you for that.

[TaintedAndDelish]

Xandi,

This is exactly what I mean when I refer to the inner angel and demon. The angel wants desparately to do what we believe is right or correct, and on the other the demon just wants to do whatever it feels like doing. I've punished myself plenty of times in order to distance myself from that 'inner demon'. That self punishment allows me to deny that its a very valid part of me.


For me, the trick here is to lean to accept yourself - both good and bad, compliant and defiant etc...

As a result of accepting both I'm neither good or bad but both. I will break my own rules now and then because I am human and thus not perfect and yes, there may be a consequence that I don't like.


I would prefer to believe that I am in full control of myself but the honest truth is that I am subject to acting out on my desires whether I like it or not. It does not mean that we have zero control.. Just that we have limited control.


I enjoy reading your posts Xandi, your honesty and insight arte what make these posts gems. hope you feel better... And be nice to your ass


Nippely chesty hugs,
T&D

[despickable]

Xandi hugs to you.

If one can see a shimmer of light when all around is darkness, that light is hope. And when we have a hope that we will find our way out of the darkness we have the urge to survive.

You have traveled on a journey that has had too many bumpy roads for others to handle, and are as the Captain says, still standing. You are and have been an inspiration to me and a help in so many ways too. The time to move on to a better journey and a life that is ahead is for you, has come. It is said that we are meant to learn from the tests we are faced with and its when we don't learn we don't grow and become stronger. You are tougher, stronger and wiser than you think and I'm proud of you for fighting on and for sharing your struggle with us all.

Please know dear friend i have a strong shoulder and I don't mind if you wish to lean on it sometime. All you have to do is ask.

'Hugs and chocolate chip muffins to you

[crystaltears]

*Snuggles Miss Xandi.* Thank you, Miss, for sharing yourself with us here. You're remarkable, and your light reaches farther than you probably imagine.

[Autumn52]

I want to take the time to thank each one of you personally for your comments and encouragement.

First of all; Thank you Captain, you are so sweet to take the time to read my blog and to encourage me. Your encouragement means a lot to me, Thank you.

Tainted, Thank you for seeming to get it. For understanding and making me feel as if I am not alone in some of my feelings and thoughts. It makes all the difference in understanding myself sometimes to know other people are going through the same things. Thank you. (I just want to point out that I posted my April 8th post while Tainted was posting his remarks regarding my April 7th post. I understood completely that his remarks were regarding the post on self control.) Thanks again for reading Tainted, it means a lot to me. Hugs.

Despickable,  Thank you my friend for always understanding. Your words of encouragement are an inspiration to keep up the good fight. You are a sweetheart and I treasure your words of encouragement. Thanks you so much.

Crys (aka) Little One, You are an exceptional person and a bright shining star amidst a sometimes dark and dreary night. Thank you sweetie for being you, for simply being the person you are. You are a gift to me and all of E as your spirit fills us with hope eternal. Thanks you.

Huggles and Snuggles to you all and thank you again. 

[Autumn52]

April 9, 2011

Have you ever seen a sunrise and felt the world stand still? I just had a moment like that. I try to make an effort to see each sunrise and each sunset. I don't always accomplish it but I make an effort. For me the sunrise is a renewal of a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. The sunset is a day that has passed and I have survived. I like the sunrise more for obvious reasons but they both are symbols that make me feel renewed.

Just now when I watched the sunrise, it made me feel different. I am not sure how to describe the feeling exactly but I guess the best way to describe it is to say 'amazing'.  While I have enjoyed thousands of sunrises before for some reason this morning I could feel the warmth of the sun in my toes. I watched that round globe reach higher and higher into the sky and a sense of amazement filled me, as if this was my first one. I can't understand why this sunrise had this affect on me but I feel like I could run a marathon now. I feel that spring is finally here. I feel like the world actually did reset overnight and everyone is starting with a clean slate.

I have found myself wondering how many fresh starts I have had over the past few years. You know, the kind of start that you give yourself when you want to just forget the past and move forward. At times it feels like the past is who I am and at other times it feels like the past is who I was. Today it feels like the past is just that, the past. It feels good but it feels strange in a way too. Strange in that I don't think I have ever had this exact feeling. I am almost 43 and I don't recall ever having this feeling before. I wonder what that means? I wonder if that means anything? Maybe I have had this feeling and just don't remember it. I find that hard to believe though. I guess it doesn't matter really. My mind is made up, my life is directed, I take this as a sign of things to come. While I am almost 43 I take today's sunrise as a sign that I still have many, many new experiences ahead of me. I kinda feel like I have been given a second, or maybe third, life. Another chance to get it right. I don't intend on wasting it.

It feels great to wake up and see the sun coming over the horizon and know that today is fresh and new. It feels great to know that I have people who love me and care about me. It feels great to understand for the first time in my life that no matter what I do, or say, that I can accept me for me. WOW that is epic. I just realized that while I have battled against everyone and everything my whole life the one person I was afraid of disappointing was me. 'Screw everyone else', I have always had that attitude. But myself, not so easy. I just realized as the sun was coming up that even though this week has brought some self loathing it has brought about a renewed sense of self worth too. I think I just made the discovery of a lifetime watching that sunrise. I don't need to battle against the world anymore. I have made my point. I just need to live now, just be me and enjoy my life.

Life is good. I love the sunrise. Enjoy it sometime my friends, it can make all the difference in the day ahead. Or at least it has for me today.

Huggles

[Captain Maltese]

A very good post, that made me happy to read it. Thanks you.

[Wistful Dream]

You have so much strength, its inspiring.

[crystaltears]

*Just hugs and smiles.*