June 30. 2012
You know how some days, weeks, months even years go by and you feel like where did all that time go? Well I do. I feel it so very well. Not because of my age, but because there are things that are not in our control. I guess you could say I am a control freak. But more than that I have struggled my whole life to not be a victim. For me that meant taking a journey that has landed me in, lets just say, a lot of trouble at times. I don't regret my 'troubles', I wish I understood what I was suppose to learn from them. I know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason but what I struggle with is understanding that reason. For instance, if a little girl is raped; what possible reason is there for that? If someone in the line of duty gets killed or injured to the point they wished they had died; what is the reason for that? If someone survives trial after trial only to be handed more trials; what is the reason? Why do bad things continue to happen to someone who has tried to live a descent life? Why do bad people thrive? When you catch one bad guy three more take his place. So what is the reason, what is the lesson I am to learn from all of this? Because to be completely honest I am at a loss.
As I have lived these last few years of my life, I have seen struggle, heartache, misery, and pain. Pain like no other and for what? I have lived with the knowledge that things I did in my past would have consequences. I accept those consequences, happily. What I don't accept, anymore, is the unrealistic amount of shit that is heaped upon shit for no good reason. What I refuse to accept is being a victim. I hate that word. I wish I could wipe it from the minds of civilization. But I guess the meaning of the word is what I hate. I also hate the word pity, if anyone who reads this has the ability to take those words and what they mean out of existence I would be ever so grateful.
I wish I could get a do over for this life. I use to say that I wouldn't change anything because all of that stuff is what has made me who I am and I like me. But f**k that. I want a do over. I want a fair shot, a chance. I haven't been given that, not in this freakin life anyway. At every turn I have encountered difficulty. I don't mind work, hard work, but knowing that no matter what you do will make a difference makes that work seem stupid. My mother always said if you want to go places in life or if you want things or a difference you have to work for it, make it happen. I have done that and what has it gotten me? Well lets just say, not the results I was looking for. So if hard work gets you a shitty life up until this point maybe doing the opposite is what gets you the good stuff? Makes sense when you say it like that doesn't it? Problem is conscience. I wish I could cut mine out and live without one. My bloody conscience bothers me when I go against it. So you know what that gets me? The prize for stupidshitheadmoronasshole award of the year, yeah I'm gonna hang that one on the wall and show it off. (insert sarcasm here)
I remember my mother also use to say something else, when you do something good don't expect a reward, don't expect anything in return. I have lived by that my entire life. Do what is right, because it is right and for no other reason. Do what is right because you can sleep better at night knowing that you did the right thing. But guess what? It's a lie. I have nightmares almost every night. I don't sleep much because of them. Where is my restful, you did what was right, sleep? I tell you where it is, Mr. Joe Bob Slasher is sleeping real well, he stole it from me. F**K HIM. F**K fair. THERE IS NO FAIR.
Every time I close my eyes I see Mr. Joe Bob Slasher. I see him doing terrible things. I see him getting away with it, and then I see him sleeping with a smile on his face because he got exactly what he wanted out of life no matter how sick it is. FUCK THAT.
Okay I could go on for days because inside I am lit up like a Christmas tree and I feel the imminent fire about to erupt, and yet after this rant I feel guilty. FUCK GUILT too while your at it. The end result of this little rant is, do what is right for you. Whatever that mean. No exceptions. Otherwise your fucked.
I wont dare dilute this post with hugs like I normally do. I offer my condolences for anyone who has read this.