The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[Autumn52]

From the day we are born the sand begins to run through the hour glass.
For some of us the sand runs faster than for others. We are not in control
of how fast that sand runs, only what we do with the time we are given.
Our choices, our lives, they become the deciding factor as to where we
go once our glass is empty, once the sand has drained and our time is
up. I do not fear death, I have seen it many times. I do not fear life, for
I have lived it to the best of my ability. My fear is much worse. My fear
is that I have squandered the time I have been given.
Carpe diem, Seize the day. For we are not guaranteed tomorrow.
C'est la Vie, Such is life.

Just a thought.

[Adammair]

Carpe diem, Seize the day. For we are not guaranteed tomorrow.
C'est la Vie, Such is life.

+1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

[Coreli]

THis was beautiful...

From the day we are born the sand begins to run through the hour glass.
For some of us the sand runs faster than for others. We are not in control
of how fast that sand runs, only what we do with the time we are given.
Our choices, our lives, they become the deciding factor as to where we
go once our glass is empty, once the sand has drained and our time is
up. I do not fear death, I have seen it many times. I do not fear life, for
I have lived it to the best of my ability. My fear is much worse. My fear
is that I have squandered the time I have been given.
Carpe diem, Seize the day. For we are not guaranteed tomorrow.
C'est la Vie, Such is life.

Just a thought.

[Adammair]

It does sound a little familiar, though.

Xandi, was that a direct quote from Dead Poet's Society? Not complaining, 'cuz that was a good movie, but just wondering.

[Autumn52]

Actually I have only seen Dead Poets society once and it was when it first came out. Yes it
was a good movie.
My thought process started from a place of internal turmoil. Knowing that my days are
numbered. The hourglass thing I kinda thought about from 'days of our lives'. Even
though I don't watch the show I hear the theme almost daily.

When I use a direct quote from anywhere I put quotation marks around it and
give the source material as per site rules. Plagiarism is a serious offense and I
take it as such.

[Autumn52]

June 30. 2012

You know how some days, weeks, months even years go by and you feel like where did all that time go? Well I do. I feel it so very well. Not because of my age, but because there are things that are not in our control. I guess you could say I am a control freak. But more than that I have struggled my whole life to not be a victim. For me that meant taking a journey that has landed me in, lets just say, a lot of trouble at times. I don't regret my 'troubles', I wish I understood what I was suppose to learn from them. I know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason but what I struggle with is understanding that reason. For instance, if a little girl is raped; what possible reason is there for that?  If someone in the line of duty gets killed or injured to the point they wished they had died; what is the reason for that? If someone survives trial after trial only to be handed more trials; what is the reason? Why do bad things continue to happen to someone who has tried to live a descent life? Why do bad people thrive? When you catch one bad guy three more take his place. So what is the reason, what is the lesson I am to learn from all of this? Because to be completely honest I am at a loss.

As I have lived these last few years of my life, I have seen struggle, heartache, misery, and pain. Pain like no other and for what? I have lived with the knowledge that things I did in my past would have consequences. I accept those consequences, happily. What I don't accept, anymore, is the unrealistic amount of shit that is heaped upon shit for no good reason. What I refuse to accept is being a victim. I hate that word. I wish I could wipe it from the minds of civilization. But I guess the meaning of the word is what I hate. I also hate the word pity, if anyone who reads this has the ability to take those words and what they mean out of existence I would be ever so grateful.

I wish I could get a do over for this life. I use to say that I wouldn't change anything because all of that stuff is what has made me who I am and I like me. But f**k that. I want a do over. I want a fair shot, a chance. I haven't been given that, not in this freakin life anyway. At every turn I have encountered difficulty. I don't mind work, hard work, but knowing that no matter what you do will make a difference makes that work seem stupid. My mother always said if you want to go places in life or if you want things or a difference you have to work for it, make it happen. I have done that and what has it gotten me? Well lets just say, not the results I was looking for. So if hard work gets you a shitty life up until this point maybe doing the opposite is what gets you the good stuff? Makes sense when you say it like that doesn't it? Problem is conscience. I wish I could cut mine out and live without one. My bloody conscience bothers me when I go against it. So you know what that gets me? The prize for stupidshitheadmoronasshole award of the year, yeah I'm gonna hang that one on the wall and show it off. (insert sarcasm here)

I remember my mother also use to say something else, when you do something good don't expect a reward, don't expect anything in return. I have lived by that my entire life. Do what is right, because it is right and for no other reason. Do what is right because you can sleep better at night knowing that you did the right thing. But guess what? It's a lie. I have nightmares almost every night. I don't sleep much because of them. Where is my restful, you did what was right, sleep? I tell you where it is, Mr. Joe Bob Slasher is sleeping real well, he stole it from me. F**K HIM. F**K fair. THERE IS NO FAIR.

Every time I close my eyes I see Mr. Joe Bob Slasher. I see him doing terrible things. I see him getting away with it, and then I see him sleeping with a smile on his face because he got exactly what he wanted out of life no matter how sick it is. FUCK THAT.

Okay I could go on for days because inside I am lit up like a Christmas tree and I feel the imminent fire about to erupt, and yet after this rant I feel guilty. FUCK GUILT too while your at it. The end result of this little rant is, do what is right for you. Whatever that mean. No exceptions. Otherwise your fucked.

/end rant

I wont dare dilute this post with hugs like I normally do. I offer my condolences for anyone who has read this.

[MasterMischief]

There is much pain inside you, Xandi.

[Autumn52]

July 1, 2012

I have lost another pet, she died on Thursday June 30, 2012 and she wasn't even two years old. She was a good cat and while she did not live with me I considered her part of my family all the same. I loved her and now she is gone. I will miss her very much.

Her name was Ninja and here is a picture of her.

*Lights candle for this poor lost baby*

[Adammair]

Awwww...so sorry for your loss, Xandi. *hugs tight*

[MasterMischief]

I am sorry, Xandi.  I hope Ninja has found peace and contentment.

[Autumn52]

Thanks Guys it means a lot.

[Autumn52]

August 9, 2012

I want you to think about that time when you were 6 when you were the most scared you have ever been in your life, you remember the experience? Now remember the fear, the way that for month’s even years later you couldn’t sleep without lights. The way each time you past that place, the place where it happened, you got sick to your stomach and could feel that fear all over again. Are you in that place now? Good, because that is how I have lived the last 2 years of my life. Telling me to move on and telling me that I should be past it is not helpful. It is not helpful for you to make me feel like there is even more wrong with me than there is, because there is enough shit without adding more to it.

Have you ever had an experience so terrifying that it changes your entire life? It changes you. You are no longer the person you were the day before the incident, you have become this person you don’t recognize sometime. Well that is me over the past two years. I still believe everything I have written in this blog only now I have to admit that sometime belief and hope is not enough. For some people I see they go through life and never see the big picture. For me in a lot of ways I wish I had never been forced to see the big picture because ignorance was bliss, at least in my case. But there is no way to go back, no way to recapture what was lost and now I am stuck with what is left. I admit that what is left is not what I wanted, it is not what I worked so hard and so long for, yet it is what it is.

Each and every day I wake to the knowledge that something was taken from me that I cannot recover. I have been to therapy where they tell you that you are what you allow yourself to be. While that is true in one sense in another it is bull shit. I believe that what I lost was more than physical it was a piece of mind that I will never be able to recover no matter how hard I try to kid myself otherwise. I go about my life like everyone else; getting up, dressings, putting a smiling happy face on, and yet that piece inside that made me who I am is missing. I have tried to reclaim it in a number of ways but it has been elusive. I live with that fear, the fear that I mentioned in the beginning. I do not know how to live with fear; I am not good at it. It is fear that keeps me from finding that piece of myself that was stolen.

Sometimes I see a glimmer of myself but it does not last. It is fleeting. I find joy in the people I love and yet even they cannot comfort this fear and emptiness away. Being loved is the only reason for surviving anymore. Don’t read anything into that statement. I am not at all suicidal. I simply mean that I live my life now for those who love me because point in fact if it was not for that what would I have except fear. I know this blog post is far and away the bleakest post I have written but I promised that I would be honest when I write here and honestly this is my thoughts and feelings of late. Don’t get me wrong I am still able to enjoy the little things in life but the big picture for me has forever changed.

I have loved which at my age is not a remarkable thing, but for me it is. I lived the majority of my life not understanding what true love really was. I found myself at a place in my life that most 20 and 30 year olds go through, only I am 40ish. I guess the term late bloomer really does mean me. But true love is definitely worth fighting for and living for. It isn’t easy but it is so worth the work and time because nothing else makes sense until you find it. But even true love can’t help me sleep with no lights. It can’t walk me past that place that I get sick each time I pass. It can’t make that piece that is lost be found again. So I guess what I would like to ask is, what do I do now? How do I move past the fear? How do I overcome my deepest fear and irrational thoughts? And please don’t tell me it will just take time and allow yourself to grieve because it has been two years and I don’t want more time and I don’t want to grieve anymore. I want to move on and not feel the pit of my stomach roar at me every time I smell a certain smell or see a certain thing.

I thought that after my last surgery, that after I was put back together the right way that I would feel a sense of victory. But I don’t. All I feel now, is what now? What do I do now to fix this thing broken inside of me? I have been on a vision quest. I have been into different spiritual ceremonies. I have chanted. I have gotten down on my knees and spoken aloud to the powers that be and yet I still have this missing piece. I have read books, I have taken therapy, I have screamed, cried and broken things. Nothing works. How is it fair that one person can take so much from another? I know, I know, No one said life was fair but hell if Karma isn’t real and all that I believe, then what the fuck am I doing all this shit for. I was given a specific set of rules to live by but if no one else lives by the rules then how is that right or even just.
Okay I’m done for now. I can’t stand to keep thinking the same things over and over because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I have meditated for hours and still I can’t make sense of it. So I guess today I will again agree with myself that I am not supposed to understand.

I will strive to be more upbeat in the future; these are just something that I needed to get out.
Hugs to everyone who reads and understands.

[Adammair]

*hugs Xandi lots* I feel your pain, hon. Though I don't know exactly what happened (and you don't need to tell me, either), I do understand pain and loss and grieving and all that. Feeling like you've lost something irreplaceable is completely normal. I have lost something (maybe many things) that was is irreplaceable, and I miss it/them. But I do my best to fill the gaping hole with something better, more positive, so that I can feel I'm making a difference somehow, but I still feel that no matter what I do, that part of me is still gone. However, the more positive energy I fill it with, I realize that I am not flawed, by any stretch of the imagination, but instead have grown into who I am today. The past is the past, it can never be erased, but it can be written into the story of our lives with a positive spin. There is a bright and a dark side to everything. That is the nature of life. Don't dwell on the past, because it is not real. The only reality is the present, this moment, and who we are NOW.

*smiles warmly* I hope I've helped in some way. And I hope you can face your fear and overcome it. If you ignore it, it will not go away, but rather will continue to haunt you. If you face it, look it square in the eyes, and accept that it's no longer real (being in the past), you'll see how small and insignificant it really is, and you will be able to put it in its proper place that much more easily.

Much love and light,
Adammair

[Autumn52]

Thank you Adammair for your thoughtful words and all the hugs, they are warmly appreciated.

HUGS

[MasterMischief]

I will strive to be more upbeat in the future...

Why?  Denying what you are feeling is not going to help any of us.  Sure, we might breathe a sigh of relief and pat ourselves on the back for helping you 'through it all'.  But those feelings will well up inside of you again and you will resent us for 'forcing you' to be and feel something you are not.

If you continue to hurt, say so.  No one should think less of you.  If they do, they were never a good friend to begin with or not strong enough to be of use to you.

You are not alone, Xandi.  Everyone has their demons.  And the demons are various and numerous.  There is nothing to be gained in comparing demons either.  Others' may seem insignificant to us.  Remember ours seem insignificant to others.  What is important is to take comfort in the knowledge you are not actually alone.  We are all connected.  We are all alike in ways we fail to recognize daily.  You began this post asking us all to remember that time we were scared because, somewhere inside you, you realize we all related.

How does one conquer a demon?  Shit if I knew that, I would not be working for the state.  And let us say, for the sake of argument, that you should somehow figure out a way to defeat this particular demon.  Surely you do not think you will not face another.  And that next demon will be just as life altering.  As humans, we spend our lives striving for things.  To be somewhere.  To be someone.  And all this striving and yearning is a never ending cycle.  When will we ever have what we really want?  When will we finally be the person we really want to be?  I do not think we ever will.  But I do not see that as a reason to just 'give up'.  I think it is time to step off the carousel and just take a look around.  Enjoy what you can now.  Tomorrow it may be gone.  Tomorrow it may still be there.  But for today, you can accept it.

Something terrible happened to you.  It has made you who you are.  Do you really want to be someone else?  Maybe you think you do.  I guarantee you that even if you were, you would still want to be someone else.  Accept who you are.  Accept what happened as terrible and painful as it is.  Now how can you make that meaningful?  How do you make your life better for it?

(sigh)  I am sorry if this all sounds preachy.  I honestly did not mean to type all of that.  I hurt for you and I want to help.  I can't, but I want to so badly that I preach.  I care Xandi.  I hope you find contentment in your life.  Please don't stop being honest with us.

[Adammair]

Why?  Denying what you are feeling is not going to help any of us.  Sure, we might breathe a sigh of relief and pat ourselves on the back for helping you 'through it all'.  But those feelings will well up inside of you again and you will resent us for 'forcing you' to be and feel something you are not.

If you continue to hurt, say so.  No one should think less of you.  If they do, they were never a good friend to begin with or not strong enough to be of use to you.

You are not alone, Xandi.  Everyone has their demons.  And the demons are various and numerous.  There is nothing to be gained in comparing demons either.  Others' may seem insignificant to us.  Remember ours seem insignificant to others.  What is important is to take comfort in the knowledge you are not actually alone.  We are all connected.  We are all alike in ways we fail to recognize daily.  You began this post asking us all to remember that time we were scared because, somewhere inside you, you realize we all related.

How does one conquer a demon?  Shit if I knew that, I would not be working for the state.  And let us say, for the sake of argument, that you should somehow figure out a way to defeat this particular demon.  Surely you do not think you will not face another.  And that next demon will be just as life altering.  As humans, we spend our lives striving for things.  To be somewhere.  To be someone.  And all this striving and yearning is a never ending cycle.  When will we ever have what we really want?  When will we finally be the person we really want to be?  I do not think we ever will.  But I do not see that as a reason to just 'give up'.  I think it is time to step off the carousel and just take a look around.  Enjoy what you can now.  Tomorrow it may be gone.  Tomorrow it may still be there.  But for today, you can accept it.

Something terrible happened to you.  It has made you who you are.  Do you really want to be someone else?  Maybe you think you do.  I guarantee you that even if you were, you would still want to be someone else.  Accept who you are.  Accept what happened as terrible and painful as it is.  Now how can you make that meaningful?  How do you make your life better for it?

(sigh)  I am sorry if this all sounds preachy.  I honestly did not mean to type all of that.  I hurt for you and I want to help.  I can't, but I want to so badly that I preach.  I care Xandi.  I hope you find contentment in your life.  Please don't stop being honest with us.

+1. I couldn't have put it any better, myself. Thank you, llama.

[Autumn52]

Thank you both.

*Hugs*

[Autumn52]

August 22, 2012

So as some of you have noticed I have not been around much and mostly just lurking if I am around. I am in one of those slumps that we all go through and I am hoping that I can get out of it soon. What I really want to talk about is HOPE. Do you think hope is a good thing or is it a bad thing? I use to believe that it was a good thing. Now I am not so sure. I am somewhat of a spiritual person, in my own way that is. I believe that things happen for a reason, but I rarely ever know the reason. Some of you know that the last couple of years have been pretty rough on me, a lot of things have changed for me. I guess where this is coming from is the place I find myself in now. In the past I have always been able to find the silver lining in whatever has happened. Now I am finding that difficult to do. What if there is no silver lining? What if things are just what they are and we have to accept it? I am not good at just accepting things.

I find hope to be dangerous lately. When I hope for something it hasn't usually become a reality. I find the worlds aura, by that I mean people in general, it is strange. When I use to go out I would see a lot of Pinks and Greens now I see a lot of dark reds and ugly pinks and in aura talk that is a big difference. Have people changed or is it me? Am I letting my own experiences color the way I see other people, with distrust and fear.

Once in a while I have that overwhelming feeling like I can't deal with life or the world in general. I fight that feeling, I fight it all the time but sometimes I wonder if maybe I HOPE to much for the good and get disappointed to often. I don't know what my real problem is to be honest but I can tell you that I wont stop fighting my inner demons as long as I have breath left in me. That's not to say that I wont continue to have set backs, because lets face it, I will. In fact I can guarantee you that my slump now is a direct result of all the shit in my life. Don't get me wrong I have some positive points too but sometimes the negative outweighs the positive and I just need to scream at the top of my voice for justice and there is none. Maybe there never has been and I have been a fool for believing it ever existed, but I don't mind being a fool on occasion.

Back to hope, what would you say hope is, in everyday terms. I mean I can look it up in the dictionary just like anyone else. I want to know what it is to you and whether you feel it is a good or bad thing.

Okay I am done for today. Just letting some of my rambling thoughts out into cyber space.

Hugs to all who read and thanks.

[Oniya]

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
- Emily Dickenson

[Adammair]

"Hope" is another four-letter word to me. Something naughty, something not to be spoken of. I have pretty much given up on hope, because it belongs to others, and not to me. I find the darkness and gloominess more comforting, because it's always there for me, no matter what. Hope, on the other hand, to me, is full of empty promise and shattered dreams. Keep in mind, I only speak for myself.

Others have hope. I don't. I live one day to the next, not expecting anything better, and feeling perversely successful in achieving it. Hope is elusive, at best, nonexistent at worst. If I ignore it, will it go away? Not likely. It sits there and watches me, like the raven in Poe's writing, perched above my chamber door. "Should I dare to hope," I ask.

"Quoth the raven, 'nevermore!' "

Please, I beg of you all. Once you find something worth hoping for, grasp it and hold on for dear life!

I speak not to discourage, but to encourage everyone to go out and find that happiness, joy, and hope that escapes my pour, embittered soul. I have always felt like I lived constantly in a world that was beyond my physical years, and moreso, now that I am middle-aged and feel like I am a senior citizen (read: grumpy old man). Again, I speak only for myself, and I sincerely wish that everyone who reads this gets all they desire, and more.

[/grumpy old man rant]

[Mr Bigglesworth]

Nothing deep here, just a rambling:

To me "Hope" is essential in a world where entropy (read: randomness ) rules - almost all of us will, at least at some point, hope good things happen for us,  those we care about, and on a grander scale for the world at large.  Almost all of us will lose hope a number of times in our lives.  I have felt "lost hope" a few times in my life, (though right now isn't one of them).

Personally I hope for 4 things - and try not to pile too much more on lest I be disappointed:

1. That the people who's paths I cross today are happier / better off for it, or at the very least not harmed.
2. I wake up tomorrow morning with air flowing through my lungs.
3. That the people in my life also have the opportunity to experience the above two things.
4. That the Internet stays up (ok, this really isn't a big one, I just hate chasing router problems)

The rest is gravy.

--Oh, and Adam - I don't think you count as an "old man" yet - 'cause if you are then I'm in trouble

[Autumn52]

Thank you Oniya, I love that piece by Emily Dickenson.

Adammair,

I would not call you old and I think you and I feel the same way about hope. For me, lately especially, it is a dangerous thing. Something that reminds me that I am not where I want to be in my life and it leaves me wondering if I will ever make it to that place that I long for.

Mr. B,

I agree that all of us at one time or another lose hope for one reason or another. Still I feel like hope is a dangerous tool that I have to keep put far away or I will be disappointed.

I still hope for others, that part is easy. I just choose to not hope for myself anymore, to accept reality and move on. Maybe in a way that is the easy way and maybe, for me at this point in my life, it is survival. I think some have even called it quitting but I don't see it that way. Until I am proud of the person I am again I don't think I can hope for myself.

Time will tell.

Thank you all for your responses.

Hugs for everyone.

[rick957]

Thank you for being so candid in this blog, Xandi, and for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I've given up on hope many times in my life.  During those times, I wasn't very nice about it -- not at all.  If anyone had tried to tell me that I ought to have hope in things, I would have punched them in the nose.  :)  Also I liked to sulk and skulk about resenting people who seemed to have hope in anything, because I didn't see why they should have that while I didn't.  Heck, I still do that sometimes, when I see all those people whose lives seem so picture-perfect.

I have lots of hope now, though; so much that I now believe that I had it even then, in those hopeless times.  Now I believe that I just couldn't see it at the time, because I was too down, and that was okay too; those were experiences I had to have, even the sulking and skulking, and I wouldn't take them back ... Not that I would wish such unhappiness upon anyone or want to feel that way again myself, if I can avoid it ... But having made it through to the other side of those tunnels, so to speak, I'm glad for the overall trip and where it took me.  The gladness was a long time coming and still hides from me on some days, but it's there and it's real.

Back then, though, if you'd suggested that I might feel that way someday about those black days and nights, well, I woulda socked you one.  :)

I think it's okay to give up on hope sometimes; maybe it's even necessary for some of us.  But I also believe that hope is real and doesn't give up on us even when we give up on it. 

Just don't hit me too hard for saying so.  :)

Thanks for listening and be well.

[elone]

What hope really is, in my opinion, is optimism. It is looking at the glass half full. We all say "I hope things will get better," but that alone is not going to change anything. It is our acts and our rational decisions and choices that change things. We make our own hopes and dreams come true through our actions and choices, possibly with guidance from a spiritual source.

Also, the encouragement of those around us gives us "hope" in that knowing people care gives us a reason to continue on through the darkest times. I know that you are generous with your encouragement to others, so take some from me. *hugs* It will get better.

I'm really tired so not sure if this makes sense or not, but to give up hope really means to give up life. Xandi, never give up on life, never give up on friends, and never stop seeking the road that you must travel. You will find your way out of the wilderness and the forces of nature will smile on you and lead you once again.

[Autumn52]

Thank you rick for sharing your experiences with me. I am so glad that your life has turned a corner and you are feeling happy and hopeful again. I use to feel like you do about the things in my life and not changing anything because that would change who I have become. I don't feel that way anymore because the person I have become is not who I thought or wanted to be. To many things have jaded my view of life and myself for me to say that this is who I want to be. My wish is that someday I will find the way out of the well I reside in and become a better person.

Elone,

Thank you for the hugs I always love to get and give hugs, so Hugs back. I have no intention on giving up on life, friends or walking the path that I feel I should walk. What I feel I have given up on is always hoping to one day find that rainbow that leads to my personal pot of whatever it is I thought I was suppose to do, have, enjoy. I still feel like I meditate daily and seek council from my spirit guides as I always have. I just feel that even with that my life has a life of its own and I feel like I am being led by it and not the other way around. I find that my fears have become a huge factor in what I can do and I don't know if I can ever break that cycle. I know you are right about actions and choices but I just feel that I am not able to make the right choices based on my fears. I am not the person I once was and I don't know how to get back what has been lost. Thank you for your encouraging words, I will continue to chew it over.

Thanks to you both and big hugs.