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Author Topic: The Workings of Xandi's Mind  (Read 33087 times)

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Offline Adammair

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #250 on: August 25, 2012, 11:06:22 AM »
Xandi,

The best advice I can offer is this:

FEAR NEVER ARRIVES!

By that, I mean, fear is always in the future. Always. It is based on "what if" thinking, which is worrying about some future event happening, when that's all it is, a future event...an illusion. The future doesn't exist. The past is gone. All that exists is the present moment. Don't dwell on "what if", because that is not productive. We can't predict the future, we can only learn from our past actions, and live our lives in this moment. If you do that, you will have no regrets about the past, and no fear of the future, because you will be living your life in the here and now.

Everything in life has its balance...its opposite. For every good, there is a bad. For every positive, a negative. What matters is what we choose to put our energy and time into thinking about. If we focus on the negatives, that's what we get, because that's all we see.

For example, my aunt, who is in her 70s and still quite active, working and independent, recently fell and shattered bones in her leg/hip. She had to have metal inserted to repair the damage, and was laid up for quite a while. However, she is now walking again, able to get herself to the toilet, dress herself...all the things she couldn't do immediately following the surgery. On top of that, she contracted MRSA, which is that serious staph infection you get at hospitals, so she's currently on IV antibiotics and so forth, and may have to have all the metal taken out again to treat the infection.

BUT...

My point is, the positives of this event are still there. The same event, two opposing viewpoints. On the one hand, she could be wallowing in self-pity, telling herself that she's not as independent, right now, as she once was. On the other hand, she has a good doctor, who is taking care of her, a loving husband, supportive and caring family who are there for her, and many other things to be happy about.

I'm sure you have a similar situation. So, you can choose to focus on the negatives, and not live in the moment, or you can choose to focus on, and strive for, the positives, and as long as you keep your eyes on that goal, the positive outcome, that is the one you will eventually reach, because that is the goal you have your sights set on.

*hugs and much love*
Adammair

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #251 on: August 25, 2012, 10:10:33 PM »
Adammair,

I don't believe that fear never arrives. I also don't believe that fear is worrying about some future event. Fear for me is every time I step foot out of my door right now. I still do it but it is as real as the sun or rain that hits me in the face. I know that you are right in that a lot depends on attitude. Believe me I have given that speech many, many times and believed it. I suppose I do still have my eye on the prize but that doesn't change the fact that whether I deny it or try to wish it away I am not the person I was even a year ago due to circumstances that are out of my control. That is the reality. I fight my fears. I do not sit at home 24/7 feeling sorry for myself but to deny that I have those fears is to deny why I have them and I can't do that. I am not living in the past either, if that were the case I would not try to build a new future. To be honest the point of my blog was to say I find that for myself Hope has become a dangerous thing. I simply refuse to fall into the trap that it opens up. Taking one day at a time is the only way I know how to live right now.

Fear for me is the thing that wakes me up screaming almost every night. Fear is that feeling when I am out, 'Is he following me? Does he have a weapon?' Fear is that thing that has colored the way I see every thing in the world. It is very real and not future, it is present, now, here. To ignore it would be to ignore my intuition and I have done that to often in my life.

I do understand what you are saying and it is a good vision of a place I would like to get to eventually and maybe I will. Only time will tell. Believe me I understand the concept of see things in the best possible light. I use to be good at that. I know that most people think that there is something good out of everything and I use to believe that but I don't anymore. What good comes from pure evil? None that I can see. Oh I know some people would say that evil allows good to shine even brighter but good isn't helping people when evil is attacking them. It's just you against the evil and I didn't have anyone to help me. No angel of goodness, so I can't put a good spin on it. I won't because that means that I accept it and I don't. I will never accept it or what it has done to my life. I don't choose to focus on the negative in the situation it has chosen to beat me over the head and make me see it. I did ignore it for a long time but like I said what can I do but accept it when it is pounding me everyday?

Thank you for sharing your aunts trial with me and I am happy that she is keeping a good spin on things. She sounds like a lovely woman and someone I should probably try to be more like. You are a wonderful friend and I am very lucky to have your good advice to think about. Thank you very much.

Hugs and lots of kisses.

Offline Mr Bigglesworth

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #252 on: August 25, 2012, 10:42:51 PM »
Hugs my friend.  Hugs.

Offline despickable

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #253 on: August 26, 2012, 09:25:48 AM »
Hugs Xandi I am so far away and feel so far from you to help but know I can nothing more than send out my caring thoughts to you. I can't say I understand the nightmares you are going through and the fear that you feel but know I can only try to understand and offer a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. You are a caring giving person and are well loved by many here at this community. And I for one  have been a better person because of your friendship I hope you realize that you are stronger than you think. What you have faced even in the last few months, many others would have thrown in the towel long before. Remain strong Xandi and know that not only, I, but many others here are ready to support you and be there if you need us.  Stay well and big hugs to you

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #254 on: August 27, 2012, 08:16:17 AM »
Bravery is not the absence of fear.

Offline Adammair

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #255 on: August 28, 2012, 10:07:14 AM »
I apologize, Xandi. True fear is warranted, when it's the kind that you spoke of. Irrational fear, or worry, is what I should have said, regarding my previous post.

I still say that what we worry about never arrives, because worry is about "what if?" and not about "what is." Sorry for any misunderstanding.

Bravery is not the absence of fear.

+1

Offline elone

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #256 on: August 28, 2012, 11:30:51 PM »
Xandi, was thinking of you and this came to mind.

The darkness comes as I shut my eyes to sleep.
Not the darkness of night, but the darkness of mind.
Dreams, once the objects of pleasant repast,
No longer grace my being.
Now they are replaced by the nightmares
Of my past that have become the omens of my future.

I wake in a sweat having relived once again
The terrifying event that haunts me.
Why won't it just go away.
My tears stain the pillow already
Damp from my nightly ordeal.

Daylight comes and the nightmares end,
Now the daymares begin, haunting my every step,
Following me down the street,
Crawling up my spine as if around every
Turn the thing is lurking, waiting to strike.

I am not a coward, I am not a coward,
I tell myself, but the specters keep rising
Out of the dust, filling the air, choking
Me as I gasp for breath.
Why oh why don't they go away.

Face the fear they say and it will go away,
How simple if that were true.
Like the person that shakes uncontrollably
While perched high on a ladder,
I shake while firmly on the ground.

Maybe the key is anger, get mad,
Let the rage take over to defeat
The goblins that are haunting me day and night.
Let my blood boil and burn those demons to hell.
Let the anger become my ally to defeat
The monster that has moved into my being.

Offline Josietta

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #257 on: August 28, 2012, 11:57:32 PM »
I just want you to know my light is here to help guide your way through the dark. You only have to ask and accept it. I know what fear is and while I can't say I understand yours, I can relate to the emotion in general.

I feel your pain and hope my warmth can help soothe it somewhat. I am just a text, PM, email away.

*hugs tight*

<3

Offline Adammair

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #258 on: August 29, 2012, 03:17:39 AM »
*hugs warmly, and leaves a pile of extra hugs for whenever Xandi needs them* I may not know your pain, Xandi, but like Josi just said, I am just a PM away.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #259 on: August 29, 2012, 07:18:45 AM »
I just want to say thank you to all of you for your support and acceptance. It means a lot to me.

Elone,

That poem is perfect. Thank you for sharing it.


Hugs to all. Thanks a lot again.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #260 on: September 30, 2012, 07:20:43 PM »
Sept. 30, 2012

As some of you know my first pet and oldest, died yesterday. It has been an emotional time for me. He was 13 almost 14. In the last few years his arthritis had become severe. We were managing his condition with medication. The Vet said that if he was a human he would have been a candidate for double hip replacements. This year as the colder weather moved in Bambino was in severe pain and was unable to walk on his own. I spent quite a bit of time with him trying to assess whether this spell would pass and Saturday it became evident that he could not bare the pain any longer. My ex and I, we share custody of him, decided to help him out of this pain and we had the Vet euthanize him. It was a hard decision but in my heart I know it was the right decision.

I have spent most of the day thinking about all the wonderful memories he gave to me. He choose our family and we fell in love with him instantly. I have written about him before explaining how he showed up at my house and how we adopted him. He was a big part of our family and he will be missed. I can not explain what a wonderful soul he had. He was never cross with anyone and he had the sweetest nature. He was happy and loved and will be missed. His absence has left a hole and I am happy I have pictures of him to reminded me of the journey that we have shared. He enriched my life so much that I can't even describe it.

I know that most people on this forum love animals and feel as I do about them being family members. Bambino was a part of our family. He was the first pet, and the reason that everyone else got pets.

I want to tell you about a time that I have been remembering today. My ex and I lived in Georgia for a short time and I worked at a large company. My job was stressful and sometimes there were long hours. I loved coming home so much because he would be waiting for me, so happy to see me. I had a large leather green recliner and as soon as I would sit down in it he would jump up there with me and sit with me loving on me and letting me know how much he missed me and was happy to see me. I know you are thinking all dogs do that but this was different. When I would come home everyone else was getting home at the same time, but he choose me to lavish all his attention on. I can't tell you how it made me feel and how much I needed that at the time. That is just one example of how he saved me over and over. Just one more cute story to show what a sweet spirit he had. My sister got a small dog not long after we moved to Georgia and Bambino thought at first he was a toy. He little dog would grab onto Bambino's tail and Bambino would just drag him around. He never got cross with her little puppy, he was very protective of him and loved him from the start.

My heart is slightly lighter today as memories of him have filled my heart. I know he is with his little brother who died last year. I know he is not in pain anymore. I know that he knew that he was loved and cared for. I think that is all any soul, human or animal, on this planet can hope for. He lead a good life and he was with us until the end. I know that my life has a hole that only he could fill but I don't mind the hole because Bambino was definitely worth it. He gave me his all and I will do no less.

I would like to express my gratitude for the outpouring of support and sympathy that has been expressed. All the hugs and PM's are truly appreciated. I'm sorry that I can't tell each of you individually how much it means to me but I think you know. Thank you.

OH! I wanted to tell you about one more little thing about Bambino that always makes me smile. He was a border collie but he hated his hair to get long. We would have him groomed every few weeks so that he was cool. After the first time we had him groomed it became his routine that when we brought him home he would preen in front of the full length mirror. He like the way he looked and would prance in front of the mirror for days. It was the cutest thing. I know you are probably thinking, 'He didn't know it was his reflection.' but he did. He knew it was his reflection and he liked it. When his hair would start getting long he would not do it, he only did it when he first came back from the groomers. Anyway it was adorable and I will miss that.

Okay I'm done now. Sorry for going on and on. I had him for a long time and that is a lot of memories. Most of them great.

Thank you Bambino for sharing your life with me. I will always love you. Have fun with Lil B until we meet again.

Offline Josietta

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #261 on: September 30, 2012, 08:19:05 PM »
I am so glad you can reflect back on all the good things about him. How you loved him and he loved you. That is something to always treasure and cherish. I am very sorry for his pain and suffering and I fully think you did the right thing in helping him through it. I know it will be hard to not have him with you but as you said those memories will help to soothe the pain of missing him. You have all my sympathy and all my heartfelt warmth to help you through this trying time. *tight hugs*

~Josi

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #262 on: October 13, 2012, 06:41:02 AM »
Thanks Josi.

October 13, 2012

I have started a new job at a huge company and I am loving it. I have to say I am more tired than I have been in a long time but it is a good tired, feeling productive is a good thing. I have had trouble with my health for a long time it seems now and I am hoping that I am finally on an upswing with that. I was diagnosed some time ago with trigeminal neuralgia and it seems that I have finally gotten that under control at least for the moment. I have various other troubles with my health but all seems to be doing better now. *keeps fingers crossed*

I guess the purpose of this post is to let all my friends know that I am doing better. I am terrible at keeping in touch lately and I don't want any of you to think that you are not loved and missed. You know how things go, real life is always so busy. Right now life is complicated and super busy. I have a boyfriend again which is nice. He is a good person and I have hopes that we can build a life together. *crosses fingers again*

Now as to the events in the past few weeks; What to say? Well losing Bambino was difficult. I talked with my best friend yesterday and we both agreed that it is not even as if he is gone. He was such a big part of our lives that his physical departure has not created the vacuum that we thought it would and here is why, we talk about him all the time, we have his ashes and just yesterday when I was giving the other dogs their morning milk bone I got one for Bambino and started to take it to him before I realized that he was not there. *I hope that made sense* So while he is missed I still feel like he is watching over us in some ways.

I guess that is about all I have to report right now. I hope everyone is doing well and remembers to LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH.

Loves, hugs and kisses.

*Lays out Xandi hugs for any who want them*


Offline gtopawb

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #263 on: December 25, 2012, 02:15:24 AM »
I am sorry, TaintedAndDelish.  To have your trust betrayed like that is harsh.

Offline Adammair

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #264 on: December 25, 2012, 02:33:15 AM »
*peeks in, to find the wonderful Xandi on hiatus*

We miss you, darling, and I, for one, hope you come back to us soon, better, stronger, and happier than before.

*leaves a pile of hugs to comfort her upon her return*

Offline dragonsen

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #265 on: February 15, 2013, 10:56:06 AM »
*Takes a xandi hug happily* Thank you for being a good mentor Xandi. I hope things work out for you and we will see you again here in E in the future. If you ever need anyone to support you, we are only a click away.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #266 on: April 16, 2013, 06:52:03 PM »
Xandi in Xandiland
April 18, 2013

Well Elliquiy I am back. I have had a few months away and now have returned to the wonderful land of sexual teasing and roleplaying heaven. I have missed all of you soooo much it is hard to explain. Let me see where I should start….

First I will start with some cool stuff. I am expecting to have a visit from some of my friends who live overseas. I am looking forward to that very much. The friends I have made on Elliquiy have encouraged me and strengthened me through some of the worst times in my life, and I feel very blessed to have come here and made such great lifelong friends. 
I was working as a temp at a large company when I left for my hiatus, now I am working at a hometown bank doing the job that I went to school for. I am happy for the change in job and the fact that I don't have to drive one and a half to two hours a day just coming and going to work. I have a 5 minute drive to and 5 minutes from, and that is great for me.

Now some of the not so great stuff…

I have several more surgeries before my complete rehabilitation will be done. I am not looking forward to that, but it will be a good thing once completed.  Also Bella, my dog, no longer lives with me. The apartment complex I live at decided to enforce the rule of no pets and guess who was the first to have the hammer come down? You got it, me. She is living with my best friend until I can find another place to live. The problem with housing is that everything is so expensive and I am not making a lot of money. But I WILL have a place for me and my baby, I refuse to give up on that dream.  I see her daily and try to spend as much time with her as possible. She makes my heart happy in ways I didn't even know were sad until I found her.

As for my immediate plans:

I don't have any real plans other than to do the best I can in everyday life and have a great time with my upcoming company.  That is a strange feeling actually. I am a planner and organizer to the extreme but somehow I feel plans and organization are not what I need right now, so I am going with the flow. Hopefully it won't lead me down a rabbit hole. Life is good for now and I will just enjoy it while it last.

I just want to express my thanks for all of you who have written in my A/A thread or here or in the Shrine for me. It makes me feel loved and missed and those are nice feelings to return here with. Thank you.

As always I will leave some Xandi Hugs for all who want them and I look forward to getting reacquainted with everyone.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #267 on: June 24, 2013, 06:45:58 PM »
June 24, 2013

A very good friend of mine died today. His name was Sampson and those of you who know me well will have heard me talk about him. I will miss him a lot. It has been a few years since I have gotten to see him but I have talked to him from time to time. He was old but I did not know he was getting that old. I guess I tricked myself into believing that he would live forever because the emptiness that is in my heart now is to hard to think about. I wish had a picture of him to share with you but I don't. He will always have a special place in my heart and life no matter where he is now. I hope to see him again someday.

I felt the need to share a couple of things about him with you. He saved my life once and he accepted me when others did not. He was beautiful inside and out and I will never be the same with out him in my life. Tonight I will chant a special chant for him, in honor of our friendship and the love that we shared. I know he loved me as much as I loved him. I will miss him.

To Sampson:

My heart, my love, my honor be yours forever.


Offline Robelwell202

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #268 on: June 25, 2013, 09:05:09 AM »
You hvae my most sincere condolences, lady.  And, lots and lots of hugs.

RE202

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #269 on: June 26, 2013, 06:02:59 AM »
Thank you very much RE202. I appreciate your thoughts and hugs.

*HUGS and Clings too*

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #270 on: June 26, 2013, 08:08:07 AM »
Hugs to you Xandi my thoughts are with you at this time and here for you if you need me.

Offline TheLegionary

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #271 on: June 26, 2013, 03:20:57 PM »
My sincere condolences, Xandi.

Count on me if you need anything.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #272 on: June 26, 2013, 05:29:34 PM »
Thank you Des and TL I appreciate your thoughts.

Hugs you both.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #273 on: September 24, 2013, 06:34:37 AM »
September 24, 2013

Well it has been awhile since I posted here so I thought I would give it a shot.

First of all I have had two visits from friends from overseas and enjoyed them very much. Secondly I would like to meet more people from E and heard that someone lives in Lubbock which is only 2 hours from me so I have to figure out who that is and see if they would like to meet up.

My job at the bank is going really well I am up for a promotion and if I get it, it will mean more money and a lot more responsibility. I am excited about it because the job I currently have does not keep me busy enough all the time and I really search for things to do sometimes. I am one of those people who likes to stay busy. I go around asking people if there is anything I can do for them at least half of my day as it is.

I am also getting excited for Halloween because I am going as a pirate this year and I am thinking about posting pictures of myself on E if I can get up enough courage to do it.

Lets see what else.....Oh I am trying to buy a house so I have taken a second job, part time, to help with expenses. I have a ton of medical bills and even though I have insurance it doesn't cover everything and I still need a few more surgeries so the second job will help out with that. I need something to fill my time so that I don't get to depressed by the situation.

I have been going out more, when my health allows me too, and I am enjoying that. I work with a great group of people and I have made some good friends outside of work so I am enjoying trying to be social again. I want to have a party at some point but I'm not sure if I am really up to that yet. My muse for writing has left me for good I think. I haven't been able to write anything for a long time now, I miss it because it gave me an outlet that I sorely miss these days. *I don't mean that kind of outlet either....LOL*

I still have my baby, Bella, and she is so sweet and wonderful. I know that someone brought her into my life for a reason and I am very thankful for that. She can make me smile and laugh like no one else. I love her so much and even though I miss Lil 'B and Bambino I know that they are happy where they are and that they have each other.

It is kinda weird but I have been really missing a couple of other friends, Cisco and Onie. They were a big part of my life at one time and I really miss them. Onie was so sweet and when she wanted affection she would not leave you alone until she got her fill, and Cisco well he is the great protector who was just a sweetie underneath his gruff exterior. Anyway I wish I could hold them and play with them. *yes they are dogs* LOL*

I had an uncle pass away recently and I was unable to go to his funeral, it was 12 hours one way. I sent flowers and had a phone call with one of my aunts and that was about all I could do besides keep them in my thoughts.

Well that is about all for now I think that pretty much catches you up on all my goings on. Well I will have to tell more details later but for now that is about it. I hope you all are doing well and are happy. Live, Love and Laugh.

Hugs to all who want them.

Much love.

Offline Robelwell202

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #274 on: September 24, 2013, 10:00:40 PM »
Lots and lots of HUGZZZZZ!!!  Xandi!

R