The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[DiverseDesires]

In reply to the 8th:

There is a song that means an awful lot to me, more than I can really say.

Beth Hart – I leave the light on

And it is also part of me in a very real way, that I had to learn that yes, I am scarred, that I will in most people's eyes never be 'whole' but that it is as much part of me as everything else is.  And in the end to celebrate that.  When I can.  I can celebrate it when it helps me to help a friend in need and also when I can be there for young people in a way that no-one who has had led a more conventional easy life can be.  Even when things are dark, I try and look myself in the eye and smile.  Because you can be your own light when you need it and just to survive is often the most beautiful light of all.

Trying to shut away your experience is something that many people do.  And also feeling that other people may blame you for it.  I would recommend, no more than that, I would ask you as a friend to go and talk to a rape councilor.  There are some things we need help with, that no matter how the mind tricks us into believing otherwise, some things need more than we have inside us to deal with.   When another human being hurts you, in the darkest ways of abuse, rape, assault or extreme violence, the inner scars never ever disappear. There are stages of grief, of loss, the loss of part of yourself, that need to be worked through.  It's how you feel about the scars, and how they effect you in the future that is what you can change though, and what you decide you do want back, want you want to keep, and the new parts of you that can stay a rape councillor will help you with more than I can say.

I also want you to think about the fact that there is a difference too between pity and empathy. It is so hard to hear someone say that they are upset and angry, hurt by what has happened to you, and yes sorry – but it is not pity, it is the hand of friendship and love, the arms that can hold you and want to share their love and support you.  Take a deep breath and accept it, it heals, it grows, and it is right that they sorrow,  all right-minded people do for the injustices and pain in the world, and we should thank God for it.

April 9th

I felt as if I was standing beside you as I too often need to see the dawn.  Just as I also need to be by the sea sometimes, as it seems to refresh a deep part of my spirit that nothing else does.   

Those golden moments where the joy of life reaches you are worth so much.  And echo for so long.

If what you felt isn't true – then I'm screwed! *laugh* God, new beginnings, I don't even want to count them.  But the adventure is still out there and I'm determined to part of it as long as I can draw breath. Let's enjoy it together – because Xandi – your 'Me' is just lovely, and I for one can't wait to share the future with you.

*hugs and kisses*

D D x x x

[MasterMischief]

Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up. --Chinese proverb

[Autumn52]

Captain and Wisti and Crys I just want to say thanks. You guys are the best.
*snuggles you all in a big snuggle pile and luffs on you all*

Now for DD: I want to say Thank you. I have sought private counseling and I feel that I am at a place where I can deal. While I still prefer to pretend nothing happened, real life always catches up to you. I am not like most people and I cherish that about myself. You are so sweet and I treasure your friendship. Thank you so much sweetie. I do understand the difference between empathy and pity. I find that a lot of people on this site are empathetic and I am grateful for that. I find strength in other people and I hope that it is an exchange. DD one thing I want to say to you is that since the day you joined this site I have watched you and grown fonder and fonder of you. Your personal strength is an inspiration and while I know I have a light that shines, yours is brillant. I am honored to be among your friends. *Snuggles you tight.*

MM as always your insight is inspirational. Thank you so much. *Snuggles up and kisses your cheek*

[MasterMischief]

Licks Xandi's cheek.

[gaggedLouise]

Xandi, I just read your long, lucid post from a few days back (Thursday) and it really hit home with me. That's something that happened to me too, a few times, and most clearly when I was around sixteen. Leading up to this time, a vital part of my life, my being, had been guided by a kind of personal code of values, a mode of experience, an inner lighted space. It wasn't obvious as such to outsiders, but it was there, and I had a feeling of being on a kind of personal mission, or preparing for one (I was so ahead in school that there was, like, time to build this kind of personal universe). Then at one point, I kind of broke that code, that personal awareness, that way of reading the world.

To some degree it was probably triggered by the outside world - I wanted to be more fully meshed into it, of course, and I sensed that this side of me had become a bit shut-in - it doesn't really matter now, so many years later, to what degree it was a free choice. Anyway, I smashed some of that mode of feeling, of acting, of being in-myself. I destroyed some papers, felt fed up with what I had been into, and indulged in a feeling that "it's just got to go". I felt within a few weeks that I had tainted myself but there seemed to be no way back because there was no one I could truly talk to about it. It was the start of a really trying time - it felt as if something in me had been ruptured, I had come out on a slippery sloipe, the very world felt grey, cold and soiled (hey,  I didn't even realize that I had come digging myself into a depression) and it took years to regain anything like the quiet, firm self-confidence I had had before.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Louise for sharing your experience with me. I kind of know what you mean about taking time to regain something you feel you've lost. The fact is that I have never expected perfection from anyone other than myself. I hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else. I think in writing that post I realized that. While my personal code of honor is still securely in place I realize now that I will falter at times and I have to be willing to forgive myself for those times. Writing this blog has been difficult at times but it has been good for me. I appreciate everyone comments and yours seem to really strike a cord with me because I can feel it in my very depths. Thank you again for sharing your insights with me.

Hugs

[gaggedLouise]

Happy you appreciated it. There's something childlike about this stance that one is holding oneself to higher standards than anyone else, isn't there? It's a residue of childhood, in both a strikngly positive and a slightly troubling sense.

[Autumn52]

I'm not sure I would call it childlike but it feels innocent. I guess it feeds my need to be childlike in some ways. In other ways it feels that I have been an adult for way to long and I should know some of this stuff by now. Discovering things about myself this late in life seems a disappointment in some ways and in other ways it seems renewing.

I think we all enjoy, to some extent, that feeling of innocence that childlike state. I have tried throughout my life to capture and keep that in some aspects. It becomes more and more difficult the older I get. *smiles* I am sounding ancient now so I will shut up before I total destroy my own self image of youth. *LOL*

Thanks again Louise.

[gaggedLouise]

"Loss of innocence" conveys what happened to me at 16 I would guess, and yes it was an inner experience, even if after a while it began to affect my attitudes at school and in outward life too. Like carrying a bowl of glass, suddenly dropping it, and it gets smashed.

*big hugs*

[Autumn52]

April 12, 2011

Today is going to be a difficult day. First of all I didn't sleep well last night. Second I have to go to a town away from the one I live in to go to the doctor. Third I am plagued by feelings of guilt. Yeap today will be hard.

I will tackle first of all why I did not sleep well. I think that should be pretty obvious, I have a doctors appointment I really wish I did not have to go to. I am not really worried about results or anything, I am not thinking that far in advance. I am more concerned about having to relive past events. Enough of that.

Second thing I don't want to have to spend an hour in the car coming home after my ordeal. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a few minutes but an hour, sheesh. I know you women know what I am talking about. A regular gynecologist visit isn't so bad but it is bad enough. When they do anything extra, yeah I want to rip the doctors the nurses and the other patients heads off. I am polite as always but I hell if it doesn't put me in a bad mood. I mean I know the doc and the nurses are just doing their jobs but in that moment I don't give a damn I just want it to be over, especially the talking part. You might think that is strange and I guess it is in a weird way. I can deal with pain much easier than feelings most of the time, especially my own feelings. So maybe I should go in and just say, "I'm great everything is fine, do the dirty and I'm ready to go home." Only problem is that won't work. I know this because the doctor knows me, he knows what happened, and he knows all the damage inside. He will not buy it. I guess no harm in trying it though. I feel better now that I have a plan. I didn't say it was a good plan, but it is a plan. (LOL)

Ok moving on. Why do I feel guilty? I don't know, I guess it stems back to the incident a little. Also I had some fun yesterday and I am not sure how to compartmentalize it. I don't know if you are like me but when I do anything new I have to find a nice neat box, in my head, to put it in. I haven't been able to do that yet and that is not to say that I can't do it but I just haven't been able to yet. I feel a little guilty for enjoying something that my head says I shouldn't have. I feel guilty that I did it. I feel guilty that I enjoyed it. I feel guilty that I want to do it again. Yeah I am plagued with guilt right now and I think another reason is because it takes my mind off of other things for a while.

So to sum up this little blog post; if you are a praying sort of person, pray for me. If you don't pray then wish me good luck. Also wish any person who gets in my way good luck today also, they will need it more than me I am afraid. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a little afraid. Ok I said it. Now I can move past it and not kill anyone today. I think the doctor will be safe. (LOL) Yes I am making jokes to lighten my mood. It is working too. Yay me. Thanks for listening and wish me luck.

Snuggles and Hugs to everyone.

[crystaltears]

Good luck, Miss. *Snuggles and hugs.* You're in my thoughts.

[Autumn52]

Thanks Little One.

Snuggles



Update: I made it through the day and no one died. Yay. All kidding aside; my day went ok and I was happy to get home. I did what a wonderful friend suggested and played my theme song on the way over there and sang it at the top of my lungs the whole way there. In case you are interested my theme song is "Happy" by Leona Lewis. If you haven't heard it I will put the link in here from youtube and you can give it a listen if you want to.

I have to do more test on Monday. I am not sweating what happens in the future since I live one day at a time, or try to anyway. Thanks to everyone who has been so sweet to me.

Snuggluffs everyone.

Leona Lewis - Happy (NEW SONG 2009) LYRICS

[MasterMischief]

In other ways it feels that I have been an adult for way to long and I should know some of this stuff by now.

Wisdom does not come until you humble yourself.  I do not know about you, but I was not as humble as I thought I was.  Sure, in some things, but not in all things.  American culture really scoffs at humility, but I think it is one of the most difficult and possible the most important virtue.

I feel guilty that I did it. I feel guilty that I enjoyed it. I feel guilty that I want to do it again.

I do not know your code, but mine is not to harm others.  If I did not harm another or myself, then I see no reason to feel guilty.

Part of me wishes it was I that you had done this guilty pleasure with.  smile

[Autumn52]

I looked up the term humility this is what the definition is:
Humility (adjectival form: humble) is the quality of being modest, reverential, even politely submissive, and never being arrogant, contemptuous, rude or even self-abasing.

I actually think being modest is more important than being Humble and here is why. Being modest means knowing and accepting ones own personal limitations. I know a lot of people associate modesty with religion, I however don't. By recognizing our own limitations, in essence isn't that being humble? I think today's society has hang ups about modesty and humility, but they are closely related. The definition of humility is a dead give away that it is hard to achieve completely, thus we all work on it daily. NEVER being arrogant, so on so forth. I don't like the word NEVER because nothing will be NEVER. We all make mistakes, so in knowing our limitations we learn from our mistakes we don't beat ourselves up because we can't live up to a standard that is not doable. Which is why I have my own standards I live by. My own Code. I find a double standard with humility. Men who are arrogant are considered sharks in the business world, real go getter's. Not necessarily a bad image. Women who have a measure of self confidence and the same amount of arrogance are considered bitches with attitude. Not necessarily a good image with clients or employers. Who would you rather employ, the bitch with attitude or the shark go getter? You see my point.

MM You are probably right I think I could use a good dose of humility and modesty. I will continue to work on that, I think it is an important virtue. I also think that the terms used to define humility make it hard to accomplish. But what is life if not an ever growing need to learn and expand our own personal limits.

Thanks for your comments, I really value your words of wisdom.

Huggles MM and teases him with my tongue. Guilty guilty Pleasure. *smiles*

[Wistful Dream]

You are such a strong person, and while humility is important don't forget that you have  right to be proud of where you are and how far you have come. Life is really a balancing act sometimes, I wish you the best of luck in all that you do or attempt.

[MasterMischief]

A very good point, Wistful.  Thank you for adding.

[Wistful Dream]

Always a pleasure to help however I can.

[DiverseDesires]

Great song choice Xandi  *kiss*

Another one to belt out...........


I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same (yeah)

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know (there are so many answers)
Realize that to question is how we grow (to question is to grow)
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
You can do the same (yeah)

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

(yeah) We need a change (Yeah)
Do it today (yeah)
I can feel my spirit rising
(change, yeah) We need a change (yeah)
So do it today (yeah)
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud? (to make you feel proud)
(let me hear ya X3)So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
(yeah)'Cause you could be so many people
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

Proud - Heather Small


I'm on my way
Can't stop me now


MM hope I can join in with your thoughts.....  or should I say wishes......  *smile*


You know how much you are in my thoughts Xandi, and not only in a very naughty way

*hugs*

D D x x x

[Autumn52]

Thank you DD, Wisti and MM. That song is awesome DD, thanks for sharing. You all are so sweet and I really appreciate your friendships.

*Cuddle Pile*

DD....I haven't forgotten about that spankin you are owed.    Get well soon so I can deliver. Really though get well sweetie, you know you are in my thoughts too.

[despickable]

I have always seen you as a fighter dear Xandi You face the adversities thrown at you and come through it each time. I send my thoughts and hugs and best wishes to you and know that all the way over this side of the world i am sending happy vibes to you. Good luck with all the medical stuff and music does sooth the soul and the heart. Sleep well and let all the thoughts and wishes of all here relax you through the coming days.

love DES

[Autumn52]

Thanks Des, Hugs. Your an awesome friend.


April 15, 2011

Good morning everyone today, in the US, is the last day you can turn your taxes in without a penalty so I thought I would relate what happened to me yesterday.

I am baking my cake and a friend calls. I usually do his taxes for him but this year I have had to much going on to do it.  So he calls in a panic about how to do certain things, can he count certain things, does this deduction count for this or that, you get the picture. Anyway so I talk him through a few things and he gets his taxes done. About 2 hours later another friend calls me about her taxes. I started answering my phone yesterday afternoon as H&R Block tax services.

Now I don't mind helping people with their taxes when I can and I usually do, but the day before it has to be posted is not a good time to start worrying about it. I have been telling these people for the past month, "have you done your taxes?" and their replies have been, "Not yet," like it was no big deal. My comment about that is, "If it is not a big deal to you then I am not going to worry about it and make it a big deal for me."

Now moving on, I haven't been sleeping much lately and I wanted to talk about nightmares and dreams. For a long time I had nightmares almost everynight. I use to wake myself up screaming sometimes. Those have kinda stopped, well mostly, but now I have vivid dreams and some nightmares. Dreams that when I wake up I am exhausted from. It is like I have been transported in my sleep to do whatever it is I am doing in my dreams/nightmares, so I never feel rested. I have read that certain medications will make you have vivid dreams but to be honest I don't know if that is it since I have always had a problem with sleep and nightmares.

I also read that dreams/nightmares are your subconscious way of working through something that is bothering you. So I have been trying to physio analyze my dreams/nightmares lately to see what it is I am trying to work through. To be honest I don't really know. I am bothered so much by these dreams/nightmares that I am afraid to sleep sometimes, afraid that I will dream another one. It is strange and even though I am tired, when my head hits the pillow I am wide awake.

I will keep searching for the solution but if anyone has any ideas I would welcome them. I guess since there is a lot going on in my life I would really like to get more that a couple hours of sleep a night. I will tell you what I have tried: no caffeine past a certain time, no spicy foods, warm milk, nothing to eat after a certain time, nothing but water to drink after a certain time, I'm not a tea drinker but I have tried the sleepy time tea, I have talked to a counselor about my dreams and nightmares, hot bath to soak in and relax for a bit before bed.

Thanks for letting me ramble on again.

Hugs and Sloppy Wet Kisses for all. *Giggles*

[TaintedAndDelish]

I know everyone is a little different with this sort of stuff, but for me I used to focus not so much on the details of the dream but on the feelings that the dream evoked.I would then sit with that feeling or situation and try to just get comfortable with it for a while. Be comfortable, I mean accept it and let it be without reacting to it.

My uneducated assumption is that my mind wanted me to *experience* certain things and that the fine details were less important than the experience itself.

For what its worth, I used to freak out more before falling asleep. The dreams themselves were not quite as bad as the thoughs that I tormented myself with.

Good luck.

[crystaltears]

I had nightmares.. Recurring nightmares when I was young. I'm sorry to hear your dreams are troubling you, Miss. *Hugs  you tight.* Eventually I found something that helped me.. And it was to basically select my dream before sleeping. I would decide what kind of dream I wanted.. and then tell myself a narrative making up the details in my head as I was preparing for sleep.. Set the scene and the feel and the characters...

Sometimes they still turned to nightmares, but more often than not I had dreams in a vein I wanted.. And that was also when I started really being able to change my dreams... Sometimes when I'm really tired and really need my sleep and a dream goes a way I don't like I can literally say.. "No, nix that," and rewind it and change it.

If only that worked in real life.

Anyways, I hope you find a solution that works for you, Miss Xandi. *Kisses your cheek*

[Wistful Dream]

Its really nice of you to help them with their taxes after they slacked on them.

As for nightmares, sometimes nothing obvious works, I found having some sort of tailsmen helps me a lot. The one that's worked for me has relied on Will being there with me, at least on the phone when we aren't physically together and before sleep we do this little cheesy saying thing.

Wisti : "I'm keeping you with me." Will : "I'm keeping your dreams." Wisti "No nightmares." Will : "Nope, no nightmares sweet one."

And just by having something that tells me I won't/can't have nightmares...they come far less often. I still have very vivid dreams, fairly often; ones that make no sense and are incredibly detailed and convoluted. I had a friend who does dream readings sometimes; when I told her about a few of mine she laughed and called them 'artists' dreams and said she wasn't sure how to help. Apparently most people don't remember as much of their dreams or something. Still I try to pay attention to any major themes that happen over several nights, and how they make me feel, sometimes then I can puzzle out a answer.

[Autumn52]

Thanks Tainted, Crys, and Wisti for all your comments and suggestions. I use to have someone a while back that each night we would say to each other "I hope you fly with me" and that helped some. The best dreams I have ever had were dreams where I could fly. So he and I would say that saying to each other each night and somehow it worked for a while anyway. I guess it also helped that I knew he was watching over me. I still say those words at night in the hopes that they will be heard by someone who will watch my soul while I sleep, but it is more a routine now. I think it has lost its effectiveness.

I have tried making a picture of what my dream will be in my head like crys suggested but somewhere something goes wrong and I end up dreaming something bad. I will continue to work on getting my mind in its unconscious state under control so that I can sleep soundly.

Thanks again for your advice and help. Snuggles all of you tight.