The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[crystaltears]

*Hugs Xandi tight.* Most of the time.. when we see my desired outcome become an impossibility... It's either that the outcome was out of my control from the start (like things involving other people when I can only truly control myself) or it's just behind a cloud for a few days... Eventually things come back into perspective and I realize... Hey.. I could still get around to it if I just give myself time to think out the problems in my way.

Of course, my experiences are only those of one person, and I'm sure others feel differently on the matter.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Miss. *Hugs again.*

[Wistful Dream]

~hugs her close~ Life is strange and hard and horrible sometimes, but you are right that its wonderful to. And when that outcome we are living for is reached or vanishes...well there's always a new one. That's one of the amazing things about life, things change, you change. I'm glad you come out of your fortress a little here, reading your thoughts is always very touching and in some ways profound.

[Autumn52]

March 30, 2011

This thought woke me up this morning. I have been referred to as "The Bitch", a lot lately. In fact the term has been used in this sentence to describe my mood at times; "The Bitch is back." Now I got to thinking about that. I have never been offended by it but it has had me thinking. Let me first tell you my train of thought. First I looked up in the Urban Dictionary the definition of Bitch. We all know the old definition, "A Female Dog" I think we can safely say that does not apply to me. So here are the Definitions I found that could be applied to me possibly:
3. Bitch
Annoying and whining female.

4. Bitch
A woman that doesn't give a flying f*ck anymore and that can and will be cruel to men.

5. Bitch
A woman who would say things that if she were a man, she would be confronted or assaulted. (using her position as a woman as a shield)

Here is the link in case you want to check out all the definitions. I only put the ones that I thought might be applied to me.

Now after reading these definitions it made me think even more. Lets start with the one that is numbered 3. Annoying and whining female. What is a man called when he is annoying and whiny? Also I want to know the answer to a question that has plagued my mind since I was a child? When is it ok to whine? My mother taught us that if you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all. That has been a problem for me in the past and still is. When someone ask me how I am doing, my response is fine. It doesn't matter if I am bleeding, which I have been at times when ask that question, I say fine. I remember being hospitalized one time and the doctor came in and was talking to me and he ask, "how are you feeling". I said, "fine". He then said, "then why are you here." He was clearly unhappy with my answer. I am a people pleaser. In my mind I wasn't allowed to whine about my aches and pains. After further consideration I don't think that definition applies to me after all, but I would still be interested in the answer to my question. When is it ok to Whine?

Moving on to Definition number 5. A woman who would say things that if she were a man, she would be confronted or assaulted. (using her position as a woman as a shield)
I admit that I have done this. Hell what good is it to be a woman if you can't use it on occasion. Besides using her position as a woman as a shield is a little old fashioned in my way of thinking. I am not saying all men but lets face it some men don't have a problem smacking a woman when they think she has said or done something unacceptable. So if a woman does this she takes a risk that one of those men might hear and try to put her in, what he considers, her place. Now back to the definition: saying things that if she were a man, she would be confronted or assaulted for.  Men do this all the time, they use their strength and position to say and do things that could get them in trouble, so why is this applied only to women? I will give you a for instance. In polite society men get away with farting and belching all the time. They think it is funny, they laugh and joke about it. Now I am not saying women don't have the same bodily functions, but at least we have the good manners to do so in private. Now you may wonder how could something like that get a man into trouble? I will explain. If said man is married or has a girlfriend he will eventually have to be alone with said wife or girlfriend and she is going to rip him a new one for embarrassing her. Now of course she will be called a bitch for doing it but if she were your mother she would be called teaching you good manners. *confusing and a little funny*

Moving on, Definition 4. A woman that doesn't give a flying f*ck anymore and that can and will be cruel to men.
I think this is the definition that people think about when they call me a bitch, The Bitch. To be honest I am not quite sure I understand why. Again the term does not offend me and I have often referred to myself as a Bitch but what I find odd now is that recently I have been getting this a lot. The only thing that has changed in my life is I have tried to take back control of my life and start taking care of me, the way I see fit. Now because I won't and don't do what other people think is best for me I am called a bitch. Strange. When a man takes control and does what he thinks is best he is patted on the back and cigars are handed out in congratulations for him. When a woman does it she is a bitch. The part about being cruel to men I don't get at all. I am playful, resistant, defiant but cruel? I don't see that unless you think cruel is not letting men/people dictate what you do with your body and life. If that is your definition then yes I am being cruel. I have had to much time in my life spent relying on a man to take care of me only to be disappointed again and again. Disappointed in being lied to. Disappointed in being used. Disappointed in a variety of ways and yet I am the bitch for taking a stand and saying no more. If that is the title for doing what I have done then I will gladly wear it.

Now you may wonder how the submissive side of me can coexist with this defiant side, well let me explain. To be submissive, for me, I need a strong man to lead me. One that I can trust without thought. If I have that then I can let myself drift into that space where I don't have to think and I can just feel, be submissive and let him take control. If I don't feel that, then NO, its not going to happen. I am a switch by nature. I prefer to be submissive but being submissive is far more difficult than just giving someone control, it is far more complicated than that, for me anyway.

This blog post is about being a bitch, so I will get back on track. I guess in summary I will wear the title Bitch proudly from now on not questioning whether I deserve it or not. Maybe I'm not the one to decide if I deserve the title anyway. I guess those people who know me can decide for themselves, and really lets face it they already have. I am not offended by my title "The Bitch", I am flattered. *bows and curtsies* Yes thank you folks I am "The Bitch" and "THE BITCH IS BACK". I don't want to hurt anyone with my decisions but as a human don't we all deserve the right to take care of ourselves and make decisions for ourselves?

Now you men out there who are reading this post please don't be offended in anyway. Not all men are alike just like not all women are alike. I am not trying to make generalizations here. I am speaking from my own personal experience, that’s all. I know some of the women on here couldn't be happier with the men in their lives and the same goes for some of the men. I think that is wonderful and it makes me smile to know that it still is out there. You know, happiness between men and women. *HUGE SMILES*

So live, love, and enjoy each other. I actually think Marten Luther King said it best, "Live well, Love much, and Laugh often."

*Rant Complete*

[MasterMischief]

What happens I wonder when you see that outcome disappear, when you see that outcome vanish and become an impossibility? Lets hope we, I, never find out.

"A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving." --Lao Tzu

[MasterMischief]

When a man takes control and does what he thinks is best he is patted on the back and cigars are handed out in congratulations for him.

I do not deny the double standard.  But I am not convinced that is what is happening here.  You speak of taking back control of your life.  Humans do not like change.  Some abhor it.  It invokes fear, rage, panic.  People lash out at change.

Is it possible people just do not like this change in you?  Regardless of whether you are a man or woman, you are upsetting their precarious little world.  I do not think, if you were a man, they would be any more congratulatory.  They would not call you a bitch, just an asshole.

You can not spend your life pleasing others.  As I said to someone else recently, you can not save a drowning man if you are drowning too.  You need to make yourself priority one.  Then you can make someone else priority two.  And it is important to choose who you make number two...'cause you can not please everyone.

[Autumn52]

Is it possible people just do not like this change in you?  Regardless of whether you are a man or woman, you are upsetting their precarious little world.  I do not think, if you were a man, they would be any more congratulatory.  They would not call you a bitch, just an asshole.

I appreciate your comments MM. I will agree to disagree with you on this point. When a man is sleeping around putting notches in his belt he is considered a stud and sowing his wild oats. When a woman does the same thing she is labeled a slut, whore or whatever the word is your area. When a man takes control of what he feels to be an out of control situation he is thought to be strong and someone who is deserving of respect. When I left my ex, which was a bad situation for me, I was thought wild and my family and friends disowned me. Let me explain a little better. I have a brother who divorced his wife for cheating on him. He was congratulated and slapped on the back and even one of his friends took him out on the day the divorce was final to celebrate. When my divorce was final, no cheating being done, my ex was sympathized with and comforted and I was left to finned for myself. Now I am not complaining but I am sure you can see my point. I will restate what I said originally, "I am not making generalizations here. I am stating things from my own life experience."

You can not spend your life pleasing others.  As I said to someone else recently, you can not save a drowning man if you are drowning too.  You need to make yourself priority one.  Then you can make someone else priority two.  And it is important to choose who you make number two...'cause you can not please everyone.'

I have accepted a long time ago that this statement, "you can't please everyone," is true. Making myself number one priority is what has people so stirred up. But I am ok with that. I do appreciate that you understand and I love all the comments and your friendship. I hope you don't take anything I have said here the wrong way.

*Hugs*

[Wistful Dream]

~hugs Xandi~ I don't have much to say about whether or not you are a Bitch but I am glad that you are reclaiming things for you, just for you. I wish you only the best of luck with everything <3

[Autumn52]

Thanks a bunch Wisti. I really do appreciate all the wonderful well wishes.

[MasterMischief]

I hope you don't take anything I have said here the wrong way.

Not at all.  I certainly hope I did not upset you.  I only wanted to offer another perspective.  And I certainly do not know all of yours, so I am in no way judging you.

Squeezes Xandi tight.

If a woman who enjoys sex is a slut, then send all the sluts my way.   

[Autumn52]

Packing my bags now......

*Hugs Tight*

Not upset at all, Thanks again for being such a great friend.

Oh wait I just noticed something......

*HUGS Wisti tight too* Now all is well in Xandi Land

[Wistful Dream]

But but....sex is so good.....I feel sorry for those who don't enjoy it. ~giggles~


~happy squeaks at the tight hugs~

[MasterMischief]

Drifting of topic here, but...

I remember the first time I heard someone called a slut.  I was in highschool.  I had no idea what it meant.  A class mate used it in an obviously derogatory way towards a girl I had a huge crush on.  I asked him to explain and he said something about her sleeping around with a bunch of different guys.  Well, this only made my crush on her bigger.  I could not fathom why this was a bad thing.

Slut still means something very different to me.  It just does not carry the negative trappings it does for most other people.  I love slutty girls!

[Wistful Dream]

~laughs~ I agree.

An friend of mine used it as a term of affection actually, which totally put me off at first but he explained that it meant someone who enjoyed sex and or pleasure, so why was that a bad thing? I paused, thinking about it....and then realized that I can't really see that as a negative thing.

[MasterMischief]

I actually like slut and bitch as a term of affection.  But I am a naughty llama.

[Wistful Dream]

Very very naughty, but in the best of ways :)

[crystaltears]

*Sneaks in to give Miss some hugs.*

And yes, slut and bitch are both terms of affection in my book...

[MasterMischief]

Whispers something naughty to crystaltears.

[crystaltears]

*Blushes and smiles at MM.*

[Autumn52]

*giggles*

Hey where's my smooches?
*Snuggles Little One and wears my Bitch badge with honor.*

To tell you the truth until recently I never liked terms like slut and whore or stuff like that. In fact it is in my O/O that I don't like name calling and I really don't but only because it has always been used in a derogatory term with me in the past. I still flinch a little but the term Bitch has never really bothered me.

[crystaltears]

The first time I ever really enjoyed the term slut was interesting to say the least. It was actually a random fling with a Dom I never got to know beyond that night of play... But yeah.. I was a slut for him. And suddenly the name calling was erotic instead of demeaning.

So I know where you're coming from. It used to be a no-go zone for me too, Miss.

*Paws playfully at the bitch badge before giving Miss a peck on the cheek in case the smooches question was directed at me.*

[MasterMischief]

Thoroughly licks Xandi's face.

You only have to ask.  There is plenty more where that came from.

[Autumn52]

*Grabs My Little One and pulls her in for a big Hug and Kiss. Slowly savoring her lips against mine.*

snuggles and licks MM back

[crystaltears]

*Grabs My Little One and pulls her in for a big Hug and Kiss. Slowly savoring her lips against mine.*

*Blushes and yields to the pulling, returning the kiss with deeply red cheeks and snuggling into Miss as she does so.*

[Autumn52]

April 2, 2011

Ok Just have to get this off my chest. I have this friend that I have had for a long time. We have known each other for years. Now this person is the kind of person I would lay down my life for, in a second, without a thought. I just talked with this person and she pretty much called me a prostitute. All because I have had a male friend over a bit. Nothing sexual at all. We're just friends and have been for a long while. He has just been hanging around cause it is convenient for the time being. But even if it was sexual, whose business is that? I mean he's single I'm single so who the fuck cares what happens behind close doors, and how would that make me a prostitute anyway?

I just don't get how a friend could call you that just because the other person was seen at the store buying a few household items. I mean if you use someones stuff isn't it polite to replenish those things? Is it called taking money because I allowed him to buy a few things. Hey let me tell you something, when I go to someones house for more than a few days then I go and get somethings at the store to help out. Things are expensive and I don't want to cause a burden on anyone just for letting me stay with them. I thought that was polite manners I had no idea I was making them a prostitute.

Tell me how a person can call themself your friend and say this to you. "How much is the going rate, for Casa [insert my name]? I mean who says that? Who says that, even to an enemy? Who says that even to a prostitute, unless you're wanting to buy some time? Oh after I said I was completely offend she apologised but hell it is out there now, I know what she really thinks of me now. How could I be so fucking stupid to think this person was my friend when she has such a low opinion of me.

Don't get me wrong their is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with prostitution if that is what a person chooses to do. All I am saying is that this is a woman who has known me for years and who obviously doesn't know me at all. How the hell does that happen? How the hell am I willing to fall on a sword for her and she has such a low opinion of me. I mean I could see if she called me something else. I have been known to have a bad temper on occasion. She on more than one occasion has seen, said bad temper. In such a case I could understand if a there was some doubt about something to do with that. I could see how she might ask me about it. But Prostitution is something wholly different. I mean where the hell did that come from?

I am not only hurt. I am offended and right now if I saw her I would punch her in the face, gladly. Now if she shows up tomorrow with a black eye I guess I will get blamed for that but hell I don't give a shit at this point.

I just had to get this off my chest and I was wondering if anyone would like to tell me if they have had anything similar happen to them. I mean, I'm I the only one who this shit happens to?

Sorry for the rant and I will be back to my positive self as soon as the fumes settle. Hugs everyone.

Edit: After re reading this I thought I should add: After she said, " "How much is the going rate, for Casa [insert my name]?" She added, "I mean what does sex cost these days anyway."

This post does not deserve any further consideration. Thanks everyone for letting me vent last night. Hugs to all. 

[Wistful Dream]

~hugs tight~ I'm really sorry your friend was so rude and thoughtless in her comments.