April 18, 2011
I hope everyone had a good weekend. My weekend was strange to say the least. Saturday I wasn't feeling well so I slept most of the day, yes I actually slept. Yay me. I needed the sleep and a few people who made some suggestions really helped me with that. Thank you. It didn't hurt that I was drugged up either. (on pain meds)
Sunday was a little more odd. I once again did some things that are foreign to me. I have to admit I was resistant at first. My brain just doesn't work like other peoples and it takes a lot of convincing to get me to try some things. But I did and instead of feeling guilty this time I really enjoyed most of it. If I really admit the honest truth the biggest reason it was a success was because the other people involved really enjoyed it. I guess I am still a pleaser at heart. Some people I really want to please more than others. The problem arises when I feel like I am giving in to much. When do I say, "I am not going to do that no matter what?" Do I ever say that? I just don't know. Unlike the last time I did something completely new this time I don't feel guilty and that worries me a little. I mean in my mind I should feel guilty. For what reason I am not sure. The experiment wasn't my idea, I didn't want to do it at first, so why should I feel guilty? Hell I don't know but I feel like I should. The kicker is this, I am more than a little hurt sometimes that I feel like I am expanding my limits to please other people. I admitted it, I am selfish when it comes to some things. I can't help it. I am. I just am. I don't like that I feel jealous about some things and other people don't. Why do I feel this way and they don't? Am I weird? Ok so maybe I am weird, but hell aren't we all in one way or another. Even after the new thing I was ask to do something I did not want to do, AGAIN. Maybe it was for my own good but I didn't want to do it. I feel it is unfair, not only to me but to the other people involved. Oh well I will figure out what little box in my head to put all of this in. I think I just need to understand where my need and hate of guilt comes from. I know already but I have to remind myself from time to time.
Last but not least, I am having the last of my test done today. Going to the doctors and I will be glad when this whole ordeal is over. I look forward to getting home again today and I will be blasting my music on the way there. That really does work in taking your mind off of things, well for a little while at least.
Basically I am happy today and not going to worry about much of anything. My new motto is, "Seize the Day". "Carpe diem" which in wikipedia says, "Carpe literally means "to pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather", but Ovid used the word in the sense of, "To enjoy, seize, use, make use of". In Horace, the phrase is part of the longer Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future", and the ode says that the future is unforeseen, and that instead one should scale back one's hopes to a brief future, and drink one's wine."
So in view of this text I will drink in my life today and each day.
Huggles to all.