The Workings of Xandi's Mind

[MasterMischief]

Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

I do not remember the first time or from whom I heard that.  As to your dreams, I agree with Tainted.  I have found, for me at least, how I feel to be more telling than what is actually in the dream.  It seems to me you have a lot going on in your life and your dreams are your subconscious' way of telling you it is unresolved.

You have had friends betray you and you have no control over that.  But you can control how you respond.  How you choose to react to the world around you is your power.

Have you considered meditation?

[Autumn52]

I meditate everyday. It has been a habit of mine for a long while now.

I'm sure your right MM, Thanks again for your comments and suggestions.

Hugs

[MasterMischief]

You are very welcome.  I wish I could do more, but that is just part of my male 'fix it' mentality.

Hugs Xandi tightly.

[Autumn52]

April 18, 2011

I hope everyone had a good weekend. My weekend was strange to say the least. Saturday I wasn't feeling well so I slept most of the day, yes I actually slept. Yay me. I needed the sleep and a few people who made some suggestions really helped me with that. Thank you. It didn't hurt that I was drugged up either. (on pain meds)

Sunday was a little more odd. I once again did some things that are foreign to me. I have to admit I was resistant at first. My brain just doesn't work like other peoples and it takes a lot of convincing to get me to try some things. But I did and instead of feeling guilty this time I really enjoyed most of it. If I really admit the honest truth the biggest reason it was a success was because the other people involved really enjoyed it. I guess I am still a pleaser at heart. Some people I really want to please more than others. The problem arises when I feel like I am giving in to much. When do I say, "I am not going to do that no matter what?" Do I ever say that? I just don't know. Unlike the last time I did something completely new this time I don't feel guilty and that worries me a little. I mean in my mind I should feel guilty. For what reason I am not sure. The experiment wasn't my idea, I didn't want to do it at first, so why should I feel guilty? Hell I don't know but I feel like I should. The kicker is this, I am more than a little hurt sometimes that I feel like I am expanding my limits to please other people. I admitted it, I am selfish when it comes to some things. I can't help it. I am. I just am. I don't like that I feel jealous about some things and other people don't. Why do I feel this way and they don't? Am I weird? Ok so maybe I am weird, but hell aren't we all in one way or another. Even after the new thing I was ask to do something I did not want to do, AGAIN. Maybe it was for my own good but I didn't want to do it. I feel it is unfair, not only to me but to the other people involved. Oh well I will figure out what little box in my head to put all of this in. I think I just need to understand where my need and hate of guilt comes from. I know already but I have to remind myself from time to time.

Last but not least, I am having the last of my test done today. Going to the doctors and I will be glad when this whole ordeal is over. I look forward to getting home again today and I will be blasting my music on the way there. That really does work in taking your mind off of things, well for a little while at least.

Basically I am happy today and not going to worry about much of anything. My new motto is, "Seize the Day". "Carpe diem" which in wikipedia says, "Carpe literally means "to pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather", but Ovid used the word in the sense of, "To enjoy, seize, use, make use of". In Horace, the phrase is part of the longer Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future", and the ode says that the future is unforeseen, and that instead one should scale back one's hopes to a brief future, and drink one's wine."

So in view of this text I will drink in my life today and each day.

Huggles to all.

[TaintedAndDelish]

You recently said something to me that leaped right off the screen - "You have a right to be happy"

Perhaps you have some rights too that you need to claim. If not rights then entitlements. As for guilt and greed, I've always strove to be a "selfless" person - putting my own desires aside in order to please those around me.This is bad to do in my opinion, yet I still do it to some extent. Its not that easy to stop doing either. Basically when I do this I'm fine with it at first, then end up feeling over-extended, depleted, unsatisfied, resentful and so on in the long run.

To deal with this I've been trying to focus on putting myself first, looking out for my own interests. I feel very selfish about doing this - hoewever the feeling is *incorrect*. I feel selfish about putting myself first only because I am so accustomed to putting everyone else first and because somehow this way if thinking was drilled into my head.

Well, that's just me. It sounded a little bit like what you described, so I figured I'de put it out there.If it helps or whatever then great.

Chesty nippely hugs,
T&D

[Wistful Dream]

~just hugs and sends happy thoughts to add to her own~ I hope the test goes well hun.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Tainted and Wisti for you kind thoughts and wishes. I really appreciate your kindness.

My test are done today and I have some more, which I did not find out about until today. I will be doing those on Wednesday. Hopefully after that I wont have anything else until I get all the results on the 28th.

I hope you all have a great evening. Hugs and kisses.

[MasterMischief]

A co-worker of mine used to say of sexual kinks, that for everything you like or dislike, there is someone out there with the exact opposite like or dislike.  I am not sure there is an exact 1 to 1 ratio and I also think it applies broader than just sexuality.  But I think he was on to something.

We are all alike and we are all very different.  Different does not equal bad, wrong, weird.  It just means different.  And if you really think about it, would you really want it any different way?

[Autumn52]

Thank you MM. I always love to hear from you. Hugs.


April 28, 2011

It has been 10 days since I posted here last. A lot has been going on. The most important is that I got the results of all my test today. Before I talk about that I just want to say that the reason I began this blog is because I wanted a place I could write things that trouble me or mean something to me. A place to express myself in writing so that I could see it in black and white. That is how I cope with most situations.

So the test results:
I will be having major surgery on May 16, 2011. I will go in the hospital on May 15, they will do whatever they do the day before and then at 7am my surgery is scheduled. It will be a lengthy surgery and I will be in the hospital for a few days. When I come home I will have help for about 4-6 weeks after the surgery, I won't be able to work or lift or any good stuff for that length of time. Mostly be in bed for the first two weeks and then after that just taking it easy until the recovery is complete. While I don't really want to discuss the details of the surgery I am having done, I wanted to let my friends, and people who I have become close to here at E, know that I will be offline for a while afterwards.

I will be around until the 15th on and off. I have a lot to get done in the next few weeks before the surgery.  I will be sporadic at best. But I want to spend time with all of you before hand because I know I will miss you all for the following weeks that I wont be able to be online.

Hugs and Kisses to all of you. I want you all to know just how important you are to me.

[Wistful Dream]

~hugs~ I hope it goes well hun, and that it helps whatever the issues are. You will be missed.

[TaintedAndDelish]

Good luck with your surgery.. and I hope all goes well :)

We'll be here waiting for you when you return.

[despickable]

Be thinking of you through this difficult time and know all the way over the other side of the world my thoughts are with you and wishes of luck and successful recovery beaming back to my dear friend.

[elone]

You already know my thoughts and wishes. Just thought I would put it here as well. Everyone who has had the pleasure to know you will be pulling for you and miss you. You have touched a lot of lives with your thoughts and writings.

Hugs

[gaggedLouise]

Hoping the surgery will turn out splendidly and that you will recuperate in a nice way. My thoughts will be with you, Xandi, you're a courageous lady and I am happy to count you as a friend. *hugs you tight*

And since it's your birthday, best wishes for this too. I do hope the months that follow will l prove to be a new start in your life.

[Autumn52]

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. I appreciate it very much.

Snuggles you all close and hugs and kisses you.

*Smiles and Giggles*

Seriously THANK YOU!!!!

[MasterMischief]

Sade - By Your Side

[Autumn52]

May 5, 2011

Its my birthday today and it has been a good one up until early this morning. I refuse to let one person ruin my entire birthday so I thought I would voice my frustration here and be done with it.

A good friend of mine text  me this morning and instead of wishing me a happy birthday he began by being pissy with me over something I said last week. Grant you what I said was not 100% honest but instead of asking me to clarify it then, he stewed on it all week and decided on my birthday was the best time to confront me with the issue. The misunderstand occurred last week and he was told something that, by no fault of my own, got changed. Instead of calling me to ask about it, he text  me. At the time he text  I was very upset so instead of going into details about why things got changed I just gave him the short version, which was not a lie it was just not the whole truth. Now while we have been friends for a while I haven't heard from him in almost 2 months so I didn't feel compelled to tell him the whole story. He decides that today he would ruin my birthday by making me feel bad that I did not tell him about the change and go into all the details in a fucking text. He didn't even call me he text , then and today. I hate to text. He knows that. So when I ask him why he did not just call me about it he goes silent. It freaking pisses me off because he is suppose to be a friend and he doesn't even wish me happy birthday and then when I throw it back at him about why he didn't call he just goes silent. Like that is the grown up way to handle things.

Ok rant done. I am trying not to let this ruin my whole day which has been so nice up until this. I have enjoyed my birthday thread, my birthday cake, my pressies, and all my friends near and far. Why am I letting this make me crazy? I know why. Because I feel bad that I wasn't 100% honest with him no matter how much it put me out at the time. Oh well how good could the friendship be if this is enough to break it up, right?

Sorry now the rant is really done.

Back to the birthday festivities. *party party party*

Hugs all and thanks for letting me rant on occasion.

Also Thanks MM for the video. I love it.

[MasterMischief]

Also Thanks MM for the video. I love it.

Any time, my dear.  I hope you know that.

And I will tell you why it is bothering you.  Because he is your friend and you care.  If he has any sense at all, he will apologize for being a dick on your birthday.  And not the kind you want.   

[Autumn52]

May 9, 2011

Have you ever had a day, a week, a year, or whatever fits here, where you think your brain and head are not attached to the rest of your body? Well that's me right now. I had a shitty weekend mostly but the worst part was this morning. I get up in need of coffee, just like every morning. I open the container begin the coffee and go off to shower. I get out do my usual things, at least I think I did I don't really remember. Anyway, I don't smell the coffee. I NEEDED that coffee, I had been thinking about it since I had woke up. I go to the kitchen and see brownish liquid all over the counter and floor. I, at first, just stood there looking at it feeling a total out of body experience. Slowly, I am talking slow mo slow, I look at the coffee maker and guess what? I did not put the coffee pot under the dripping part. I looked around again, slow mo, and found the coffee pot right where I had left it when I had washed it the night before.

I stood there for like a good 20 minutes in complete disbelief that my head is so far off my shoulders and neck that I can't even make a pot of coffee. Don't get me wrong if I had just woke up and stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee yeah I could see myself doing that but no I had been awake about 2 hours. So you can see how my day started out. I clean up the mess and then realize that I am very lucky that I have just enough water left to make another pot of coffee otherwise I would have had to go without coffee this morning all together. (I live in an area where our drinking water is not safe to drink so we have to buy water to use for consumption.)

Now if this was the first stupid thing I had done in a while I would not be so upset. But it is only the icing on the cake. I have done some really stupid shit lately and I can only explain it by the fact I am brain damaged and my brain has decided that now is a good time to melt down completely. My rational side keeps trying to blame all this shit on stress and lack of sleep you know the usual culprits. My insane brain damage side keeps telling me I am losing my freakin mind and I'm a health hazard to me and anyone around me. Don't even get me started on that.

I feel completely disconnected with my own body. It is like I am not me anymore. The weird thing is I don't really see me anymore. I know some of this is temporary but damn if it is not the strangest thing to look at myself in the mirror and wonder for a spit second who the fuck that is looking back at me. I told you its a mind fuck for damn sure.

Now for the newest thing; I have always had an easy time talking with people but since this latest shit, not so much. Even people I like, love whatever. I have nothing to say cause hell if I know what the fuck is going to come out of my mouth. First of all people already look at me weird and think there is something wrong with me cause I have been sick a lot lately. Second the people who know what is going on to some extent just worry so I don't want to say anything else. I am like the one person I can't trust to say the right thing right now. If I say the wrong thing the people who don't know what the hell is going on will get mad and the people who know will try and fix it or worse worry. I hate that. I don't want people I love or care about worrying about something they have no control over and can do nothing about.

So now I have ranted and all you lovely people of E know exactly how crazy I have become. But believe it or not this little rant has done the trick, I feel better. Probably just needed to get it off my chest. For an intelligent person, I am so stupid sometimes. Oh well we all have our faults and I guess I can accept my insanity for the time being.

On to better things. The day ahead and finally my first cup of coffee of the day. God I love coffee. I think if coffee was a man/woman I would make love to it all day every day until I died. In fact I feel positively orgasmic when I drink my first cup of coffee each and every day. I will ride that high the rest of the day as I continue to drink more coffee and feel, better.

Thank you all for reading this ridiculous rant and I offer hugs to all.

Smooches to any who want.

[Tamhansen]

Glad you've found a got thing to relieve some of the stress. And that you have coffee.

Stress and lack of sleep, can really cause problems, so I hope you find a way to deal with them, which will make things a bit easier.

[TaintedAndDelish]

I had a good friend who used to just use his cat for venting. He said it did him more good than any shrink or friend - mostly because the damn thing didn't talk back.

Feel better Xandi.

Chesty nippley hugs,
T&D

[crystaltears]

*Happily accepts one of those smooches and hugs Xandi tight.*

I'm glad you feel better, Miss, and I'm sorry you've had a rough start to your day.

[Oniya]

I can't count the times that I have gone through the process of making a cup of tea: heating the water, adding sugar and milk, and drinking it to the bottom, only to realize that I forgot the actual tea bag.  Since this amounts to having drunk essentially a cup of warm (if diluted) milk, it typically leaves me in more dire need of 'wake up potion' than before.

[elone]

 I think that you may actually be pretty normal, at least by my standards. Looking in the mirror and wondering who is looking back happens to me all the time. Yesterday, I went to the doctors after running a nail into my elbow. There on the wall was a large mirror, I looked into it and wondered when my hair had changed color. An odd thought.

With all you have going on, it is no wonder that some out of body stuff is going on with you. Am glad that the coffee fix has you feeling better.

Am glad to give you all the hugs you need as well.

Smootches, now that is just the icing on the cake. I like icing.

[Autumn52]

Thank you to everyone. I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one who loses my mind on occasion. *Smiles*

Katataban I hope you stick around I really loved playing the games with you. Hugs and Kisses and thank you for your support.

Tainted thank you kind sir for being so sweet. I giggled when I thought about how the cat might have reacted. Hugs and sweet kisses.

Crys aka My Little One, thank you sweetie. I always love to see you around and your support is most greatly appreciated. Smooches double time.

Oniya, that made me giggle. I know how that feels too. I put my remote control into my freezer last night as I was heading off to bed and found it this morning when I was returning my ice pack there. *shakes head* I guess it is no big deal just disconcerting sometimes. Thanks for telling me your story, it really did make me feel better. Hugs

elone thank you so much I couldn't possibly hope for normal but not insane will do.
A nail in your elbow? Bad elone bad elone. I am going to need to spank you for that. *grins and remembers she is just looking for an excuse to spank you* I have averted another coffee disaster this morning so I am off to a good start. Thanks again for your support. Snuggles hugs and gropes.