As far as I know, there is no cure for the hurt, Xandi. I wish there were. I do not think the retreating works either. It works for a little while, but we are social creatures. Sooner or later, we poke our head out of our shell again. At least I know I did.
The brief moments of acceptance are like a drug.
As I explore Taoism, it seems to suggest life is a cycle. The good and the bad are different sides of the same coin. I do not think you can escape them. Maybe the best we can hope for is to embrace the bad and savor the good. Ride the wave until the next one comes along. Could we recognize the light without the dark? Is it worth giving up the dark to loose the light?
Thank you MM for reading my post and also for your insightful and comforting words. First of all I guess you are right about being social, but I can be very social and I am, but I still keep that mask, the one I am comfortable with on display. I like only sharing a piece of myself with people that I trust, even then it is not because I want to it is because they are smart enough to see beyond the mask. What I struggle with is once that mask is removed and I am exposed my need to retreat becomes overwhelming at times. As for religious ideal's I have some of my own, I don't belong to a religious organization but I live by a code of honor one I feel makes me a better person. I do believe that light and dark struggle within each person and when a person finds a balance that the light wins. I think you can have light without darkness but I also think that darkness is dangerous if you do not fight against it. It can envelop you, consume you and then you can become, something you don't really want to be.
There's something here I can relate to very strongly, thats the feeling of having your deepest, most hidden aspects of yourself exposed. That, is devastating.
For me, I tend to visualize this inner struggle as an angel and a demon wrestling with each other. They are both equally a part of me, and equally strong - so neither wins. The more I let them fight the more stretched and depleted I feel . The only solution for me is just to accept both the angel and the demon and let them be. When I accept these aspects of myself, own them, and be them, I tend to be at my calmest. For me sanity is had when I skip along merrily with satan holding one hand and god holding the other. Call it crazy xD but being in the middle like that works for me. I don't really buy the religious crap anymore, I just like using religious symbols because of the ideas and feelings that they can evoke.
I completely understand what you are saying Tainted. I am sorry that someone you trusted broke your trust in such a cruel and hateful way. I agree it can be devastating. I also agree that we all have a little devil and saint inside of us. It is what I call the battle between light and darkness. For me I think accepting that I can be very nasty, if provoked, but on the other side of that coin I can be a doormat if I allow myself. I will tell you a story that perhaps demonstrates what I mean.
When I left my ex I had few friends left, family as well seemed to vanish into thin air. I at this point in my life had decides screw everyone I am going to make myself happy. I found two friends who I thought I could trust, they seemed sincere and we had known each other my whole life. We shared everything, including men. We shared a place to live too. Not because we had to but because we wanted to. I found out after I had lived with these two for 6 months that on the second month one of my friends had betrayed me over a man. I didn't believe it at first. He told me what she had done and I called him a liar. I wouldn't believe a thing like that. He had proof. He showed me said proof and my heart broke. Literally it broke. I did not cry, I did not try to hide what I was feeling. She was sitting in the living room and I walked in there and told her that I had just been speaking with the man *insert name here*. Her face fell siightly but she kept her mask on. She ask, "what did he have to say." My answer was, "some very interesting information."
I could not stand to look at her, my blood was boiling. I wanted to kill her. I really saw in my head me taking my favorite blade and cutting the tendions in her legs so she couldn't run, then moving along her body with my blade and making her feel the pain I felt at her betrayal. I went outside with a good book and tried to get my mind in a place that was not so violent. She came outside and ask me, "what is wrong", it was a few days after Christmas and I was freezing my ass off. I told her, "what was wrong was that she was a lying bitch that I should have know better than to trust." She was shocked. I got up from my chair and advanced on her postion like I was stalking my prey. I was in my mind, she had to die for her betrayal. As I got closer she retreated indoors. With questions like, "what the hell are you talking about? why would you believe a man? How could you not just talk to me?" Which only made me madder. Finally I told her what he had shown me and what he had said, and ask her why would she betray me like that. Her response was, "I wanted a good fuck. I was horny. He was willing."
My entire face went white, could it be so simply. Could one person hurt someone so easily over something so silly. What I found amusing about the whole drama was I didn't care if she fucked him. I had told them both that I didn't care. I did not want a relationship with this man anyway. Yet she found a way to hurt me using this man. He was only a vehicle, she was the one I wanted to murder. I knew at that moment I needed to leave the house and never go back because if I saw her again I would kill her. While I packed my bags she tried to leave me alone but she just couldn't stop herself from twisting the knife even further. I ignored her for a while but as I was about to leave the house my suitcase in hand she said, "I want the keys, you are dangerous and I won't feel safe until I know you can't come in and kill me in my sleep."
That was the last straw, I calmly put my suitcase down and turned to her and threw a full glass of soda at her while advancing on her position. While I walked toward her I got the keys out and threw those as well but then I said, "Bitch if I want in this house and I want to kill you these keys wont make any difference. So you sleep tight and secure in your bed until the day I have had enough." I was standing over her as she cried and threatened to call the cops if I did anything. I just said, "Cops? really? What have I done so far, let me recap. I have not touched you. I am leaving this house and you are still breathing. But if you open your mouth to me again I will cure that problem. You should count the victory while you have it. One small warning don't ever call or talk to me again. I won't be so mellow next time." I meant it to. She had seen me this angry once before and in that situation it had turned violent. Please don't misunderstand me, I do not condone violence at all. I am explaining that for me and the way my life has gone at some points Violence was a means for survival and I took it. I hate violence personally but when things like this happen I know that I have that in myself so I back away. Like I did in this situation.
On the other side of that coin I had lived with these two who I thought were the most important people to me at the time. I cooked all the meals, I did all the cleaning, I feed the animals, I washed all the clothes, I basically was their maid and I didn't mind. I was the doormat. So I think you can see the two sides of my coin. I have never spoken to the one who betrayed me again. I will never forgive her. I don't hate her I don't feel anything for her. In my mind she is dead to me. It is the only way I can deal with the betrayal. Room mate number two tired to be the mediator for a while but to be honest I told her that it was a mute subject and I would not discuss it. Now that person and I don't talk. Which really is a good thing.
My purpose in telling you all this is that we each have a good and bad side, we each struggle to do what we think is right. When a person has been hurt the bad side leads, for me anyway. I try to live my life by a set of rules that I put in place so that I can feel honorable in all that I do. Some people deal with things differently. I find a balance in knowing when to retreat and when not to. The problem becomes for me I don't want to let anyone in, even a little. It has happened recently but not because I wanted it to, because it happened before I realized it and now it is to late to close that door.
I want to thank you both for reading my blog and for sharing your thoughts with me. It is comforting to know that others struggle with the same types of things and how they deal with it. It gives me hope that one day I will be able to let someone in without an exit strategy.
Hugs to you both.