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Author Topic: The Workings of Xandi's Mind  (Read 33137 times)

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Offline XandiTopic starter

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The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« on: March 17, 2011, 07:10:02 PM »
Hello to everyone who takes time to read this. I have suffered a severe case of RP muse runaways as of late. By that I mean I have no muse to write RP's, I have on the other hand been completely obsessed with writing. Writing my thoughts and memories as it may be on some occasions. I began a thread in the Good and Cuddly section to express some of these writings but I thought this might be a better venue and the Dieties of Elliquiy granted me the privilege to write a blog here. I truthfully have never even read many of the blogs but if I understand how it works this is an opportunity to write and share with you my feelings and thoughts on things that matter to me and perhaps in some small way to you. I don't know how often I will write here but if recent trends continue it may prove to be often. I welcome any comments you may have on anything I write, just remember that my intention here is to share a little of myself and the workings of my mind with you. I consider E my internet family. I don't belong to other websites and I was an internet Virgin when I came to E. I don't feel the need to explore what other sites have to offer since I found exactly what I was looking for here. Now don't misunderstand me, I know there are others here that do belong to other sites and I say more power to you, really I do. For me I don't have the brain power or the internet knowledge to keep myself out of trouble so I chose to stick with what feels safe for me.

I am going to link the writing I did in the Good and Cuddly here as a reference so that anyone who chooses to read what I write will understand where I am coming from.

Link: http://elliquiy.com/forums/index.php?topic=100099.0

Ok so that things don't get confusing, well for me at least, I am going to post this and begin a new post so as to express my feelings today and this week really.

Points down to next post. *Yes I am OCD a little*

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2011, 07:55:21 PM »
Ok today is, as you can see from the post date....

March 17, 2011 *Just to be official*

This entire week I have been reminded of the death of my pet last year. He was a rat terrier and he was shot in his back yard by two boys playing with a high powered air rifle. He died in my arms and I had him cremated. His ashes sit in a place of honor in my home along with all his possessions that I can't bare to pack away. He was my second pet. My first pet is still alive but my ex-husband has custody of him as he did of the one that died. I use to see them a lot after the divorce but because of recent events I don't see Bambino as much as I would like to anymore.

Lil B died on March 19, 2010. He was 8 at the time and I had bought him at a pet store when he was 6 weeks old. I never had pets growing up, my mother and father thought they were to much responsibility for a kid. I never missed not having a pet because I did not really know what I was missing.

After I became an adult my now ex thought pets were to much trouble and he never really wanted one. The way I ended up with my first pet, Bambino a border collie, was I went out to get the morning paper one day and as I bent down I heard a little whine slash bark. I looked up and there he was peeking around a huge planter which held a tree. I looked at him, he looked at me and that was it. He was mine. I began talking to him and he ran straight to me. My ex of course said no way, in fact I believe his exact words were HELL NO. I just smiled and put food and water on the front porch for Bambino. When my husband went to work I got Bambino in the backyard, which was fenced and there he stayed. When my ex got home from work he was "What the hell do you not understand about NO."
Again I just smiled and said, "I couldn't leave the little guy out in the front he might get run over. Besides I have made up flyers and I am going to see if he belongs to anyone." That pacified my then husband. I did put up flyers, of course I didn't say where I put them. *evil smiles*

Now a couple of days went by and I wanted Bambino to come inside. It was December and cold and my mothering went into effect. My husband told me NO again. So once again when he went to work, I brought Bambino inside and made him a little bed on my side of the bed, on the floor, and there he slept. My husband got home from work and Bambino greeted him and once again he said to me, "What the hell. No way. We are not having an animal in the house." I simply said, "Dear, it is freezing outside and he is a baby. I can't sleep knowing he is cold. Besides someone will claim him in a day or two and you wont have to worry about it." He of course tried to lay the law down and I of course did not listen. Yes I paid for my disobedience in many ways but I have to say that it was well worth it. Bambino became a family member in no time at all. We moved once after we had him and he went along very happily. When we moved back to his old yard he was very happy, but that is another story. I guess what I am trying to say is that with Bambino came a world I had never known before. The love of a pet. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. I couldn't imagine my life without him now.

Yes remember I said in the beginning that the ex has custody. Well after reading how he did not even want the dog to begin with you may wonder how and why he would even want him. It is very simple, it was a way to hurt me. I accepted it when I left and of all the decisions in my life that was one of the hardest. The only way I could do it was to know I would get visitation rights, and be able to explain things to him. Yes I talk to him, and yes I know some of you might find that strange. It is soothing for me and yes I do believe he understands me.

Now back to Lil B. When we moved, remember I mentioned that we had moved once, well when we moved Bambino was the only pet when we moved back he now had a brother, Lil B. I took Bambino to the pet store with me when I got Lil B and once again he was in on the decision to buy the little guy. I ask his opinion and his lick of the little guy and the way he laid down and let the little guy snuggle against him told me he was all for having a new little brother, so I bought Lil B.

Lil B stole my heart from the beginning. He was affectionate and little as you can guess. He loved to be held and loved to play. He and Bambino got along famously and Bambino helped potty train Lil B too. When we were trying to potty train him since he was so small we put those training pads down in the bathroom for times when he needed to go and we did not notice. When we would take out Bambino, Lil B would go out to but most of the time he would run inside go potty on his training pads and then dash back out to play until one day Bambino and him were playing and in the middle of their play Bambino lifted his leg and peed. Lil B cocked his head and watched and then did the same, after that training pads were no longer needed.

I have rambled on long enough about my babies for now. I think I am in danger of getting carpel tunnel if I continue to write. I just thought I would share how I got my first two pets and how I lost one. I still miss Lil B each and every day. I saw Bambino yesterday and again today. I didn't get to spend much time with him but it was good to see him and my ex does take care of him really well. I think he loves Bambino more than he ever loved me, which I am thankful for actually.

Ok I am done now. Whew......That is a lot of words.

Offline Wistful Dream

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2011, 11:10:05 AM »
~hugs~ Pets love fully, without reservations or demands in return, its a wonderful thing and I'm so sorry that you lost your Lil B and that big B is still with your ex. I don't think rambled, I'm glad you shared what was on your mind. Thank you.

Online Rhedyn

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2011, 11:42:35 AM »
*hugs Xandi* I can completely empathize, I still get choked up when I see a dog of the same breed as my 'baby' and I lost him over six years ago. Thank you for sharing.

Offline Captain Maltese

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2011, 01:44:06 PM »
Now I miss my cat again. *hugs* Thanks for the reminder. It was a great read. We do get attached to the little furballs, don't we.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2011, 06:40:03 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words. I am glad that you understand. I have spent the day thinking about my little guy and embracing what I do have, the memories and great friends like you. Thank you all so much.

Hugs Wisti, Rhedyn, and Captain. Snuggles you all.

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2011, 11:23:33 PM »
Pets have always been a part of my life.  I can not imagine life without them.

I am truly sorry for your loss.  I had no idea.  Hugs.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2011, 01:56:16 AM »
Hugs MM thank you.

*smiles brightly*

Snuggles the Llama

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2011, 06:31:16 AM »
March 20. 2011

Have you ever had one of those days when it seemed you should have stayed in bed? Well I had one of those the other day and I thought I would share with you some of my minds inner workings on that.

I got up early, as usual, and the day seemed to start ok but as the hours drug on my day got worse and worse. Personal problems piled up one after another add that to the fact I have been an emotional wreck for about a week or so and the anniversary of my Lil B was coming up and you have one shitty day. I can't remember when I started to feel like crawling into a hole but I think it began with a phone call from an ex boyfriend. He has moved back to town and he didn't seem to understand that just because he is back that I am not interested anymore. I will admit that I have some left over feelings for him but not romantic ones. I feel sorry for him more than anything else. Ok so that was one.

Two was I had been sick and not feeling so well but I have done a lot of favors for my friends in the past and whenever I can now. I ask one of my friends to do me a favor and she acted like I was asking her for something so huge that she would need a world summit meeting just to think about it. (maybe an overstatement but you get the point) I felt like such a burden and worthless piece of shit just for asking. I realize now that perhaps my reactions was a combination of things but at the time it felt horrible.

I also have been feeling pulled in ten directions at once from my work and personal life which have been colliding sometimes. (no I am not dating someone at work)

Now after all of this I spent the better part of the day feeling sorry for myself and crying. I know to some people this is not that much but for me on that day it was overwhelming. (call it PMS if you like) Anyway I began doing some reflecting and to my surprise I found that I am not an unhappy person, well to my surprise that day anyway. I began thinking about my life and the things I have done the last few years. While I am not proud of everything, I find that I have not done anything to hurt anyone, well anyone who did not deserve it really really a lot. Mostly my silliness and naivete has only ever hurt myself, which I accept as I choice I make to continue to be the way I am. Ok that sounded way to hard to understand, let me try again. I chose to be naive and a little silly. I chose to try and keep my innocence to some degree. These are choices I make in order to live the life I live. I know most people who are my age don't want to be seen as silly but I really don't care how people view me. I want to be silly, I want to enjoy my life, having fun and doing silly things like talking to ducks. (yes I have a duck at the local duck park that I have conversations with but that is a story for another day.) My point is, I do silly little things that other people find odd but it's comforting to me and helps me keep my sanity or what is left of it.

When I was reflecting I discovered a few things that I hadn't previously known about myself, well not consciously anyway. I discovered, like I said before, that I am basically a happy person. I don't like to be negative and when I am, I am not really sure how to deal with myself. I also discovered that my upbringing has had a much more profound affect on my life than I realized. I didn't really know this before because in almost every aspect of my life I have shunned and walked away from the things I was taught to believe were right and wrong. I discovered many years ago that my parents were narrowminded and decided even as a child I did not want to be that way. I wasn't that way even as a young kid. I remember many times getting into trouble for speaking my mind and doing things my parents thought were wrong. I guess what I am trying to say is that even as a child I did not follow rules just because. I always wanted to know why the rules were there and if I thought they were stupid I did what I wanted. I know you parents out there are thinking, 'I feel sorry for her parents' well I kinda did to. But my point is that when I began reflecting I discovered that more of my upbringing had lasting affects on me than I had thought. So in understanding that about myself I guess I have found that when things, like that shitty day, happen to me I can trace the illogical feelings back to some of my upbringing. We were taught, in my family, that to think about your own needs and happiness was wrong. That it was selfish. I still struggle with feeling selfish anytime I do anything to make myself happy. I struggle with feelings of selfishness when I say NO to anyone. I was taught that to make others happy should be enough to make you happy. What A Load of Crap. Yes you heard me, that is a full load of SHIT. You can make everyone else in your life happy and still be the most unhappy person in the world. I am living proof of that. I lived the first 30 odd years of my life doing just that, putting on the mask that was expected and making everyone in my life happy because I was the person they all expected me to be. However I was miserable. I hated myself because I was not who and what I wanted to be. When I decided to stop living my life for everyone else and begin living for me it was the hardest thing I have ever done and the most worthwhile. I have been so much happier just being me. Not trying to please everyone around me, just trying to make me happy. The task was daunting at first, because once again I struggled with feeling selfish and that I had let everyone down in my life. But after a little while I felt let down by those who said they loved me but did not see or care that I am happier living my life the way I am now.

I guess the reason for all of this writing is to say; Sometimes shit happens, and when it does just get out your umbrella and weather the storm because tomorrow is another day and everything is set anew. Learning about myself has been one of the best experiences of my life. I am still learning but accepting me as I am has been a road that I am glad that I have taken.

Today is a light and airy day.

Sorry for rambling so much. 
« Last Edit: March 20, 2011, 09:34:13 AM by Xandi »

Offline Wistful Dream

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2011, 09:19:19 AM »
I think a lot of people feel that guilt, I know I do. ~hugs~ Another beautiful, touching post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Offline TaintedAndDelish

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2011, 01:54:54 PM »
Xandi, you scare me :)

Reading this and a lot of other posts that I've seen you make on the forums, I can really identify with what you are saying. Just prior to Joining E I had some sort of realization that my way of looking at things was completely ass-backwards. I've had these sort of personality changing experiences in the past, but its been a good ten years or so since the last one.

In this most recent revelation I too realized that this whole forget-yourself-and-help-everyone-else thing was nice, but just no longer tolerable. I spent a lot of time being nice to those who should have been slapped, taking crap from people when I should have put my foot down .. and worst of all running around in life trying to minimize any negative consequences to my actions and decisions at the cost of losing myself.

The minute I put my foot down and decided that I would start putting myself first (as horrible and selfish as it might sound ) - things started to fall in place. Instead of neglecting myself in favor of minimizing consequences, I've decided to just do what wish and deal with the consequences later. I do realize that this is a little extreme... and will need to balance out,  but for me, taking this 180 degree turn was about ten to fifteen years overdue and a huge step in the right direction.

Sorry if I digressed a little .. but I was motivated to say that after reading your post ... for what its worth.

Sincerely,
T&D







Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2011, 06:47:10 PM »
Thanks Wisti, I think you are right. Most of us struggle with these same issues. *Snuggluffs on you*

Tainted I know right! I mean at our age we are told we are suppose to have all the answers and yet we are still learning about ourselves. I am glad that you are doing what makes you happy. One thing I forgot to put in my post that I thought about later was something I tell myself all the time. "No one is responsible for my happiness but me. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness either." I remind myself of this one thing all the time.

Hugs and Kisses and keep up the good work my friend. I wish you, well I was going to say luck but I think I will say, "I wish you joy and happiness." *smiles*

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2011, 04:09:30 PM »
March 21, 2011

Have you ever felt exposed? I mean internally. Like all your secrets, emotions, and your inner self was completely vulnerable and exposed to someone? I have only ever had that feeling once in my life until more recently. I don't like it. I don't like feeling vulnerable, and exposed. I like for people to see what I choose for them to see of me. Now that doesn't mean that I am not myself. No what I mean is that I have opened myself up in the past and been smacked down each time. So as a defense mechanism I just don't do it anymore.

It has happened this time because I did not see it happening before it was to late. If I had I would have done what I always do, I would have retreated. Things are not so easy to do at this stage, not that I really want to but it is the easier road. I don't know how to deal with someone who sees me so completely. I feel blindsided most of the time. I have tried to retreat into myself and my safe place but it doesn't work when the other person knows you are doing it.

I keep planning out escape routes in my head, if this happens then I will do this. If that happens then I will.....so on and so forth. (you get the idea) I call these escape routes, routes I can take to save myself from complete breakdown. The trouble is when I do retreat into myself a little bit the people I am retreating from notice. I use to be better at hiding my true feeling but somewhere along the way I lost my edge. If I don't like someone, it shows all over my face. If I am hurt, it shows. If I am looking for a way to escape, you got it, it shows. While I don't mind some of that showing on my face, some of it I wish I could conceal better.

During times of stress, the last few weeks of my life, I tend to reflect a lot. I reflect a lot normally but these days I do so even more. I spend time thinking about what is important and who is important, to me. I think about things like, Can I trust this person? Can they trust me? Have they always been there for me? Can I rely on them? Are their goals like mine? Do we have things in common? Do we enjoy the same things? Well you see how a barage of these kinds of questions can compromise any relationship.

Over that past few years I have made it a goal to not be needed by anyone and to not need anyone. I have been happy that way. There have been times that I have let that guard down and always been sorry later on. Lately however I am finding I need some people in my life, important people to me. I don't like that feeling. I also don't like being needed by said people. Not that I mind being there for anyone who is important to me but because I feel like at some point they are going to want me to be, or do, something I don't want to do or be and I wont be strong enough to say NO and then I will end up in the same spot I was in when I left my ex. I know I am a stronger person now than I was then. But old habits die hard, at heart I am still a pleaser. I still like to make people happy. I find some happiness in doing things for other people. The difference now is I decide who and what, noone else decides for me.

When someone depends on you, in my mind you become somewhat responsible for their happiness. I don't want to be responsible for anyones happiness, ever again. I have a hard enough time letting myself be happy, the pressure of making someone else happy is overwhelming to me. I truly believe that each person is responsible for their own happiness. But on the other hand I think other people can make you unhappy if you allow it. I don't want to be the cause of making anyone unhappy. I don't think I can deal with the struggle of happiness and unhappiness where others are concerned. I would like to rip out my own emotions and throw them far away. I would like to be a machine in some areas of my life. I have been that to some extent, over the past few years while trying to get my life together. I like the serenity of being unemotional. Problem is there is always someone who can see me, the me I don't want anyone to see. That strikes a cord inside me and then the flood gates of hell open up. Emotions pour out like water from a bucket with a hole in it, a hole the size of Niagara Falls. It becomes overwhelming and the cycle begins again. Close off, shut down, doubt myself, doubt everyone around me. I know there has to be a way to stop the endless cycle that is my life but damned if I know how.

Ok so after writing this I realized two things; 1)When I try to hide inside myself I feel safe and secure but it can be lonely at times. 2)I don't mind being lonely. Is that bad of me? Am I strange? I have said many many times to numerous people that I am damaged inside. I realize this and I am comfortable with it. My damage is my old friend. It has been with me a long time and I don't want to think about life without my damage. It is comfortable, safe, and secure, for me anyway. I do however wish that I could reconcile my feeling today with my feeling in general.

Ok maybe if I understood why I retreat when people start asking questions? When people probe? I guess I do that because it is a way to defend myself against being hurt. I don't like to talk about myself or my life usually. I know after reading some of my stuff you are probably thinking, "really? could have fooled me." Well I consider this blog a diary to myself, so I kinda feel like I am talking to myself a little bit. I don't mind other people reading my thoughts but the way I get them out is to consider that I am writing it to me for understanding myself better. I know that probably sounds wonky but hey we are talking about me.

I feel better now, feel like I have said what I needed to say and now I can move on, deal and figure it out. *whew* I never knew I could write so much completely and utterly useless information. Well it is useless unless I can figure it out and fix it. I will figure it out now that I see it more clearly.

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2011, 09:06:11 PM »
Quote from: ”Xandi”
Have you ever felt exposed? I mean internally. Like all your secrets, emotions, and your inner self was completely vulnerable and exposed to someone?

I have and it can feel like the worst rejection or the most wonderful embrace.

I would like to say that I do not think you are silly or that your post is useless.  I relate very strongly to what you have written.  I had a wall.  I am pretty sure it is still there.  Trust issues?  Abandonment issues?  Check and check.  It may not seem it here.  I find it easier to open up to complete strangers.  If they reject you, then it is easy to dismiss them as small minded idiots.  When family or friends reject you...it hurts.

As far as I know, there is no cure for the hurt, Xandi.  I wish there were.  I do not think the retreating works either.  It works for a little while, but we are social creatures.  Sooner or later, we poke our head out of our shell again.  At least I know I did.

The brief moments of acceptance are like a drug.

Quote from: ”Xandi”
I know there has to be a way to stop the endless cycle that is my life but damned if I know how.

As I explore Taoism, it seems to suggest life is a cycle.  The good and the bad are different sides of the same coin.  I do not think you can escape them.  Maybe the best we can hope for is to embrace the bad and savor the good.  Ride the wave until the next one comes along.  Could we recognize the light without the dark?  Is it worth giving up the dark to loose the light?

Offline TaintedAndDelish

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2011, 09:46:14 PM »
There's something here I can relate to very strongly, thats the feeling of having your deepest, most hidden aspects of yourself exposed. That, is devastating. I think I shared something with you once about how that happened to me. I revealed my most hidden self to my SO and got slammed and a few years later she got pissed over something unrelated and went and revealed this hidden side of myself to her family and brother.. Needless to say, I lost all respect for her at that point. Whether that hidden part of yourself is a fault, a feature, emotion, or whatever, its just wrong for people to go there.

For me, I tend to visualize this inner struggle as an angel and a demon wrestling with each other. They are both equally a part of me, and equally strong - so neither wins. The more I let them fight the more stretched and depleted I feel . The only solution for me is just to accept both the angel and the demon and let them be. When I accept these aspects of myself, own them, and be them, I tend to be at my calmest. For me sanity is had when I skip along merrily with satan holding one hand and god holding the other. Call it crazy xD but being in the middle like that works for me.  I don't really buy the religious crap anymore, I just like using religious symbols because of the ideas and feelings that they can evoke.

Peace,
T&D

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2011, 09:51:37 PM »
I am sorry, TaintedAndDelish.  To have your trust betrayed like that is harsh.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2011, 05:51:31 AM »

As far as I know, there is no cure for the hurt, Xandi.  I wish there were.  I do not think the retreating works either.  It works for a little while, but we are social creatures.  Sooner or later, we poke our head out of our shell again.  At least I know I did.

The brief moments of acceptance are like a drug.

As I explore Taoism, it seems to suggest life is a cycle.  The good and the bad are different sides of the same coin.  I do not think you can escape them.  Maybe the best we can hope for is to embrace the bad and savor the good.  Ride the wave until the next one comes along. Could we recognize the light without the dark?  Is it worth giving up the dark to loose the light?

Thank you MM for reading my post and also for your insightful and comforting words. First of all I guess you are right about being social, but I can be very social and I am, but I still keep that mask, the one I am comfortable with on display. I like only sharing a piece of myself with people that I trust, even then it is not because I want to it is because they are smart enough to see beyond the mask. What I struggle with is once that mask is removed and I am exposed my need to retreat becomes overwhelming at times. As for religious ideal's I have some of my own, I don't belong to a religious organization but I live by a code of honor one I feel makes me a better person. I do believe that light and dark struggle within each person and when a person finds a balance that the light wins. I think you can have light without darkness but I also think that darkness is dangerous if you do not fight against it. It can envelop you, consume you and then you can become, something you don't really want to be.

There's something here I can relate to very strongly, thats the feeling of having your deepest, most hidden aspects of yourself exposed. That, is devastating.
For me, I tend to visualize this inner struggle as an angel and a demon wrestling with each other. They are both equally a part of me, and equally strong - so neither wins. The more I let them fight the more stretched and depleted I feel . The only solution for me is just to accept both the angel and the demon and let them be. When I accept these aspects of myself, own them, and be them, I tend to be at my calmest. For me sanity is had when I skip along merrily with satan holding one hand and god holding the other. Call it crazy xD but being in the middle like that works for me.  I don't really buy the religious crap anymore, I just like using religious symbols because of the ideas and feelings that they can evoke.
Peace,
T&D

I completely understand what you are saying Tainted. I am sorry that someone you trusted broke your trust in such a cruel and hateful way. I agree it can be devastating. I also agree that we all have a little devil and saint inside of us. It is what I call the battle between light and darkness. For me I think accepting that I can be very nasty, if provoked, but on the other side of that coin I can be a doormat if I allow myself. I will tell you a story that perhaps demonstrates what I mean.

When I left my ex I had few friends left, family as well seemed to vanish into thin air. I at this point in my life had decides screw everyone I am going to make myself happy. I found two friends who I thought I could trust, they seemed sincere and we had known each other my whole life. We shared everything, including men. We shared a place to live too. Not because we had to but because we wanted to. I found out after I had lived with these two for 6 months that on the second month one of my friends had betrayed me over a man. I didn't believe it at first. He told me what she had done and I called him a liar. I wouldn't believe a thing like that. He had proof. He showed me said proof and my heart broke. Literally it broke. I did not cry, I did not try to hide what I was feeling. She was sitting in the living room and I walked in there and told her that I had just been speaking with the man *insert name here*. Her face fell siightly but she kept her mask on. She ask, "what did he have to say." My answer was, "some very interesting information."

I could not stand to look at her, my blood was boiling. I wanted to kill her. I really saw in my head me taking my favorite blade and cutting the tendions in her legs so she couldn't run, then moving along her body with my blade and making her feel the pain I felt at her betrayal. I went outside with a good book and tried to get my mind in a place that was not so violent. She came outside and ask me, "what is wrong", it was a few days after Christmas and I was freezing my ass off. I told her, "what was wrong was that she was a lying bitch that I should have know better than to trust." She was shocked. I got up from my chair and advanced on her postion like I was stalking my prey. I was in my mind, she had to die for her betrayal. As I got closer she retreated indoors. With questions like, "what the hell are you talking about? why would you believe a man? How could you not just talk to me?" Which only made me madder. Finally I told her what he had shown me and what he had said, and ask her why would she betray me like that. Her response was, "I wanted a good fuck. I was horny. He was willing."

My entire face went white, could it be so simply. Could one person hurt someone so easily over something so silly. What I found amusing about the whole drama was I didn't care if she fucked him. I had told them both that I didn't care. I did not want a relationship with this man anyway. Yet she found a way to hurt me using this man. He was only a vehicle, she was the one I wanted to murder. I knew at that moment I needed to leave the house and never go back because if I saw her again I would kill her. While I packed my bags she tried to leave me alone but she just couldn't stop herself from twisting the knife even further. I ignored her for a while but as I was about to leave the house my suitcase in hand she said, "I want the keys, you are dangerous and I won't feel safe until I know you can't come in and kill me in my sleep."

That was the last straw, I calmly put my suitcase down and turned to her and threw a full glass of soda at her while advancing on her position. While I walked toward her I got the keys out and threw those as well but then I said, "Bitch if I want in this house and I want to kill you these keys wont make any difference. So you sleep tight and secure in your bed until the day I have had enough." I was standing over her as she cried and threatened to call the cops if I did anything. I just said, "Cops? really? What have I done so far, let me recap. I have not touched you. I am leaving this house and you are still breathing. But if you open your mouth to me again I will cure that problem. You should count the victory while you have it. One small warning don't ever call or talk to me again. I won't be so mellow next time." I meant it to. She had seen me this angry once before and in that situation it had turned violent. Please don't misunderstand me, I do not condone violence at all. I am explaining that for me and the way my life has gone at some points Violence was a means for survival and I took it. I hate violence personally but when things like this happen I know that I have that in myself so I back away. Like I did in this situation.

On the other side of that coin I had lived with these two who I thought were the most important people to me at the time. I cooked all the meals, I did all the cleaning, I feed the animals, I washed all the clothes, I basically was their maid and I didn't mind. I was the doormat. So I think you can see the two sides of my coin. I have never spoken to the one who betrayed me again. I will never forgive her. I don't hate her I don't feel anything for her. In my mind she is dead to me. It is the only way I can deal with the betrayal.  Room mate number two tired to be the mediator for a while but to be honest I told her that it was a mute subject and I would not discuss it. Now that person and I don't talk. Which really is a good thing.

My purpose in telling you all this is that we each have a good and bad side, we each struggle to do what we think is right. When a person has been hurt the bad side leads, for me anyway. I try to live my life by a set of rules that I put in place so that I can feel honorable in all that I do. Some people deal with things differently. I find a balance in knowing when to retreat and when not to. The problem becomes for me I don't want to let anyone in, even a little. It has happened recently but not because I wanted it to, because it happened before I realized it and now it is to late to close that door.

I want to thank you both for reading my blog and for sharing your thoughts with me. It is comforting to know that others struggle with the same types of things and how they deal with it. It gives me hope that one day I will be able to let someone in without an exit strategy.

Hugs to you both.

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2011, 07:15:38 AM »
I hope it did not sound like I was trying to push Taoism.  I have just found some things within its philosophy that speak to me and I thought it relevant.

I think we, as in the human race, are more alike than we think.  It is another paradox, we are all the same, yet we are all very different.

I learned to retreat, build walls, whatever you want to call it after my first girlfriend.  I think everyone becomes at least a little jaded after the first time their heart is hurt.

Hugs Xandi tight.

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2011, 08:31:01 AM »
Hugs MM. I didn't think that at all.

Whatever works for each person is important for them.


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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2011, 09:15:34 AM »
March 22, 2011

Ok the other day I told you about how I have a duck at the local duck park that I talk to and that it was a story for another day. Today is another day. *Laughs*

Now I will begin at the beginning so you can understand better.

I use to go to the local duck park about once a week just by myself and look at the water and feed the ducks. I would stop off at the local bakery and pick up some bread for them and while I would sit and look out over the water and think I would mindlessly throw bread for the ducks. This one day I had a lot on my mind and when I got to the park all the ducks were way on the other side so I decided to entice them to come to me. *silly idea now that I think about it* I found a few ducks close by and I walked towards them talking to them saying something like, "here duckie duckie, I brought you some food." I held out my hand with the bread and tried to encourage them to follow.

Well this one duck, I call him Conan now, he lead the assassins squad that tried to kill me. Those ducks are fast when they chase you. I began running and screaming, "Oh wait, now stop, Don't do that." you know stupid shit like that. Anyway, I reached a picnic table and got on top and after a few minutes all the assassins squad left expect for Conan. He was determined to teach me a lesson.

I began to reason with this duck explaining my situation to him. I began to feed him and he got calm and I came off the table and sat on the ground and kept talking to him while I feed him. He sat down next to me and I continued to feed him and talk to him. I shared things about my life with him. Silly I know but somehow knowing he could keep my secrets and that he seemed happy to listen made me feel good.

I named him Conan that day. You may wonder why Conan? I will tell you why, he is the biggest duck in the park and he has this little spot of feathers on his head that are black and look like he is making a statement with that hairdo. Plus he was the leader of the assassins squad.

Now I visit the park two or three times a week when I can. I take the bread from the bakery and I yell for Conan and he comes. He comes to the spot where we sit on the ground and I talk to him. Now this is not a one way street. He talks to me too. He has been having female troubles lately and I have given him some advice.

Yes I noticed he use to be the big duck and now there is a new large male who shakes his feathers like he owns the place. Conan does not like him so I don't like him. The females have had their heads turned by the new duck, but I have noticed lately that the females are paying less and less attention to the new duck. I explained to Conan that some females get their heads by a new duck but they will come to their senses and remember who has taken care of them all this time and they will come back. I noticed today when I went to feed Conan that he was the big duck again. The new duck has had his day and Conan is back on top. Yay Conan. All the females were flocking around Conan and when I called for him he strutted his little butt over to me like he was showing off. He was I think. I congratulated him and sat and talked with him for a little while. He seems much happier as am I. I walk around the little track at this park and he follows and we continue our talks. He even likes my dog. I have taken Bambino to meet him and while Conan quacked about it at first Bambino just sat quietly and we all became friends.

I know you are thinking this woman is crazy. I am I admit it. I am crazy in a good way though. I talk to animals and in my mind they understand me. They understand the tone of my voice and they comfort me. I use to have that with my dogs but now I have that with Conan. He is not the only animal I talk to, I almost got hit on the freeway a while back because I saw a little dog trying to cross the road I stopped in the middle of the freeway and called out to him. He came to me and I took him home, he had on a collar. Yes it was dangerous but hell life is dangerous if I can't put myself out for another living creature then things are worse than I had thought. I know that not everyone can connect with animals the way I do. But I guarantee you that if you saw a small child trying to cross a freeway you would stop and fix the situation. I only do that with animals too. Not always smart but that's me. (now I will admit it wasn't busy that day on the freeway. Only two cars passed by and shot me the finger, well worth the life of the little guy that is safe at home now.)

Now you understand my insanity. My life is good. I enjoy life. I enjoy all of it. The sunrise, the sunset, animals, people, the vegetation as it grows and renews. I love life and this is one way that I enjoy it.

I have had fun telling you about Conan. I hope you enjoy reading about him. He has become a big part of my life. *Smiles abound today*


Offline crystaltears

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2011, 09:33:59 AM »
So your duck's a charming assassin? That sounds delightful, Xandi. And you're not the only one to talk to animals. I talk to dogs and horses (the latter much less often since my own horse passed on, but still true) and I believe they can understand what I want to communicate.

Prince (my thoroughbred's registered name was 'Another Prince' and we bought him at Fairy Tail Farms, but to me he wasn't just 'another' prince like I'm just 'another' soul... He was my prince) and I used to argue about who was leading our dances in the round pen all the time. Especially when I was on the ground (he was much more charming when I was in the saddle). I have to admit that I was less than lady like in the things I said sometimes.. On nights when he was being particularly prideful/arrogant, but he understood. We healed each other. He learned that it was okay to love me and be loved by me, and he taught me patience, compassion, and confidence.

I stop for animals as often as I stop for children. Sometimes we all just need a leg up.

Thanks for your story, Miss Xandi. *Hugs tight*

Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2011, 11:05:09 AM »
Does Conan know Ms. Malina?   ;D

Offline XandiTopic starter

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2011, 05:26:16 PM »
Prince sounds absolutely adorable. I just love animals, all animals. Hugs Crys, you are my little one for sure. Hugs and kisses.

MM I forgot that Malina likes ducks. Hugs and thanks for reading.


Offline MasterMischief

Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2011, 06:44:46 PM »
Thank you for sharing.

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Re: The Workings of Xandi's Mind
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2011, 01:00:37 PM »
March 28, 2011

Life is strange. Yes I am stating the obvious. You may wonder why I am stating such an obvious fact. I think sometimes life gives me a kick in the butt and reminds me just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes I feel as if I am living in my own little world, that I am insulated from anything outside my sphere of things. What a joke that is. A person can isolate themselves as much as they want but the outside world continues to rock on and you either rock with it or get left behind.

What I find amusing at times is that I enjoy being alone and isolating myself. I don't mind being left behind, on occasions, especially when I need to find myself again. Have you ever felt like you have lost yourself? I feel like that a lot lately. I feel secure in my little fortress which is what I call my home. But really are we safe even there? I don't know really. Time passes by outside; days, nights, days and more nights and I am still inside myself. I find it more difficult to go back out into society each time I tuck myself away inside my little fort of solitude. Life and death happens inside and out, you can't isolate yourself from death. I think it is a little unfair when people think that life is as easy as death. I don't believe that. Death seems much easier. Life on the other hand can and is always trying. Trying to fit in, trying to find your way, trying to be a good person, trying to not let anyone down, and trying to just make it worthwhile.

Don't get me wrong, I think life is definitely worthwhile. I think that life is beautiful and deserves to be lived with vigor and the kind of zest that stands people on their ear when they see it. I do however think that part of life is not easy. It never is. I remember being told a thousand times growing up that nothing in life that is worthwhile is easy and now I know why. Everything that is worthwhile takes effort, including finding a place that you fit in and accepting it. The place we fit in is not always the place we want to be, but we fit, and to some degree it feels safe and secure. At least that is how it is in my life.

I guess what this post is trying to say to me is this: Life is hard, life and sickness and life is FUCKING HARD. But it is worthwhile if you can see the outcome you want in the end. *Smiles* Isn't that what we all want? In the long run? The outcome we want, to see it come true, isn't that what we live each day for? What happens I wonder when you see that outcome disappear, when you see that outcome vanish and become an impossibility? Lets hope we, I, never find out.