You are either not logged in or not registered with our community. Click here to register.
 
December 06, 2016, 02:29:03 AM

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

Click here if you are having problems.
Default Wide Screen Beige Lilac Rainbow Black & Blue October Send us your theme!

Hark!  The Herald!
Holiday Issue 2016

Wiki Blogs Dicebot

Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 101755 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Online Dwarfvader

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1250 on: April 23, 2016, 10:02:57 PM »
-Takes all the hugs as well!-

I've been having a rough few days of nothing. It's strange cause then I'm depressed so I don't feel like doing anything. Even if I want to do anything. I also took out my depression on my friend, we're cool now. But that was sort of scary.

I think I'm rambling. But I guess it's good to get things off my chest.

-gives hugs to-

Hugs are the best.

Offline Karasu

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1251 on: April 24, 2016, 03:23:32 AM »
*Takes a running start and leaps into all the offer hugs and other supportive measures, rolling around gleefully and without any concern nor embarrassment.*

Saturday... Saturday... Saturday...

That is when my wife is released from hospital, and life will return to some semblance of normality.

Twice now, I have come close to screaming "Fuck It", and throwing in the towel and curling up in bed to hide from the world and everything in it. Writing here, and on another site, are ways to help me deal with the shit this faulty brain of mine comes up with, and in the last few weeks... maybe months, I can't write. Word are too difficult to get out, and most of them are complete crap - even when taken objectively. So, my greatest source of sanity maintenance has been taken away from me, as well as making me feel I am letting my writing buddies down. (I know that is not true, as those I write with are an amazing bunch of people, but that doesn't stop the stupid, irrational side of my brain from saying otherwise.)

Normally, I can deal with my wife being in hospital for her routine follow up treatments, because they are well known in advance, and all the needed planning can take place to keep things going smoothly. This one caught me unaware, and I also am doing a rather stress producing course that will give me the chance to get some gainful employment at the same time. It has all come together to almost overload me, but I have managed to get through with the help of my friends, online and face to face. Now, I have a firm, short term target to reach, and then stress load will go down even further.

Oh, and while playing Kerbal Space Program, I turned a 200 ton space station into a 200 ton fire work with a failed docking. Three hours of real time work went boom. :( Even though I had saved it before things went bad, and effectvely lost maybe 10 minutes, it was enough to crush my fragile mood, and kill three Kerbalnauts in the process. RIP Jeremiah, Bill and Bob Kerman - at least until I load the last saved game.


Thank you for listening.


*resumes rolling around gleefully in the offered hugs, letting out my inner hug slut*

Aww.. I hope your wife feels better Marauder, it can be difficult with a family member in the hospital. *hugs for Marauder!*

-Takes all the hugs as well!-

I've been having a rough few days of nothing. It's strange cause then I'm depressed so I don't feel like doing anything. Even if I want to do anything. I also took out my depression on my friend, we're cool now. But that was sort of scary.

I think I'm rambling. But I guess it's good to get things off my chest.

-gives hugs to-

Hugs are the best.

It is very good to get things off your chest, especially negative emotions. If you bottle it up your like Dry ice in a bottle of water, ready to burst any moment! Or at least that's how I feel with negative emotions..  I did get that big bit of awesome news that I will be able to go off my diabetes medication because my blood sugar levels are stabilizing themselves! I am so happy about this! *happy awesome hugs!*

Offline Xandi

  • HUGS from the Queen of Hugs.....Hugs
  • Dame
  • Addict
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: In Xandiland where everyone is respectful or they get their head chopped off.
  • Gender: Female
  • Light dispels darkness, Widsom dispels ignorance
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1252 on: April 24, 2016, 05:43:57 AM »
*leaves a basket full of hugs for those that may need them*

I had a very bad day yesterday. My mind and body did me no favors at all. Completely lost in my own head I ended up doing the very worst thing I could do, I stayed in bed nearly all day.

I wrote a whole post here and decided it was better suited to the negative thread.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

*hugs and luffs*

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1253 on: April 24, 2016, 04:06:38 PM »
Sorry to hear that, Xandi.  Often the first step out of bed is the hardest.   *hugs*

Offline kakihara

  • A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep.
  • Lord
  • Seducer
  • *
  • Join Date: Aug 2006
  • Location: On the other side of the mirror... waiting.
  • Gender: Male
  • It's all in the reflexes.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1254 on: April 24, 2016, 07:08:47 PM »
*offers up all the hugs he can to everyone having bad days*

I've been pretty good myself but I know my SOs depression has really kicked up bad with being out of work. It is an inseped demon with how it drains you of any want to do anything which only leads into a further spiral downward. I fought it for many years though I know its different for us all.

I dwarfaders comment. All to other depression is seen as only being sad but it easily turns to anger at yourself and then others. I know for myself the darkness was like this. I like to think I've tamed the darkness and mastered the demon, since I don't know you can ever get it out of you. But he bites so I need to be careful and vigilant that he doesn't get loose and go from adding to my strength and lead to weakness.

*offers even more hugs* I hope you all have luck with your own darkness and while I know I'm not the most social of people on here my PM is always open if you need to talk to someone whose wrestled with his own depression.

Offline Xandi

  • HUGS from the Queen of Hugs.....Hugs
  • Dame
  • Addict
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: In Xandiland where everyone is respectful or they get their head chopped off.
  • Gender: Female
  • Light dispels darkness, Widsom dispels ignorance
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1255 on: April 24, 2016, 08:25:43 PM »
Thank you both. Hugs are always a great thing to lift my spirits. I just thought I would report that today has been a better day. I did go to Sunday school, kinda. I was out of my room for most of the day even though I didn't do any moving or cleaning to speak of I had an okay day and I am good with that. My head and mind are still not in a great place but I have good support with all of you here and in RL too so I am hopeful that tomorrow will just continue to improve.

Thank you all again. Depression is an ongoing battle but we can win the war, we just have to face one day at a time. At least that is what I keep telling myself. *smiles and offers hugs*

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1256 on: April 25, 2016, 03:22:00 AM »

That is when my wife is released from hospital, and life will return to some semblance of normality.


I hope that her release from hospital went well and that life is calming down for you now  <3


I think I'm rambling. But I guess it's good to get things off my chest.


I think it is, ramble away, we don't mind and I know that just getting it out really helps me to deal with it ~hugs~

*offers even more hugs* I hope you all have luck with your own darkness and while I know I'm not the most social of people on here my PM is always open if you need to talk to someone whose wrestled with his own depression.

~takes and returns the hugs~ Thank you, same to you, kakihara. I have found that it never really goes away I've just gotten better at managing it and catching it before I fall too deep. There are still times that I get caught by surprise with it though, those times usually hit me the hardest and longest.

Thank you both. Hugs are always a great thing to lift my spirits. I just thought I would report that today has been a better day. I did go to Sunday school, kinda. I was out of my room for most of the day even though I didn't do any moving or cleaning to speak of I had an okay day and I am good with that. My head and mind are still not in a great place but I have good support with all of you here and in RL too so I am hopeful that tomorrow will just continue to improve.

Thank you all again. Depression is an ongoing battle but we can win the war, we just have to face one day at a time. At least that is what I keep telling myself. *smiles and offers hugs*

I'm so pleased to hear that today/yesterday has been a better day. I hope that every day continues to get brighter for you, Xandi ~sends much love, light and hugs~

Offline Caedy

  • ~ Keeper of the Plot Bunnies ~ Delightfully Devious ~ Vibrant Visionary ~ #Terribad ~ #NeverToBlame ~ Addicted to Words ~ Tea vs. Coffee ~ Sinfully Sweet ~ More innocent than Nic #Always
  • Lady Mentor
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2008
  • Location: ~In the backseat of your Rover~
  • Gender: Female
  • Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1257 on: April 26, 2016, 04:54:56 PM »
I have spent the last few days reading through this thread, the highs, the lows.  The past month or so I've been more out of sorts than normal, however I've been for the most part able to keep up appearances for those that don't know me well enough.  Those that know me, knew there was something not quite right, but uncertain about how to go about asking. 

I have had more bad days than good days lately, the worst being Sunday April 17 when I'd been in St. Augustine with my best friend.  Someone, I do not know who and I wish I did, had donated a tree to the Mission in St. Augustine in the name of one of my dearest friends who had died in the South Tower of the World Trade Center.  I don't know when the tree had gone in, but it was my first time seeing it.  This man, was my best friend, and when my fiance shot himself, he was the only person that could touch me, the only person that ensured that I kept going when I was away from my friends at college.  To see that tree, it sent me to a dark place, and even being at the Shrine and the Mission for a good two hours after finding the tree -  the peaceful tranquility and spiritual energy of the shrine couldn't even begin to touch the blackness that had swooped in to sink its claws into me again.  To the point that I don't even think that my best friend knew that I'd slid from light into dark, my mask was just that good I guess.

Coming back, I've plastered on the smile, the answers that I'm doing fine, when in reality all I want to be doing is sleeping, staring at something mindlessly on netflix, or just no longer being here.  The thoughts have gotten darker more than they've gotten lighter, and while I've been able to escape a little bit and write some...I don't know for certain if I can keep the promises I've made. 

To talk to people about how I feel, they can't even begin to empathize with how I feel...or their sympathies seem hallow and false to my ears because the depression makes it sound that way. I go through the motions, I answer the questions, and I pretend day after day that I'm happy when in reality the light is further away today than it was yesterday.

Offline Xandi

  • HUGS from the Queen of Hugs.....Hugs
  • Dame
  • Addict
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: In Xandiland where everyone is respectful or they get their head chopped off.
  • Gender: Female
  • Light dispels darkness, Widsom dispels ignorance
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1258 on: April 27, 2016, 10:38:27 AM »
I have spent the last few days reading through this thread, the highs, the lows.  The past month or so I've been more out of sorts than normal, however I've been for the most part able to keep up appearances for those that don't know me well enough.  Those that know me, knew there was something not quite right, but uncertain about how to go about asking. 

I have had more bad days than good days lately, the worst being Sunday April 17 when I'd been in St. Augustine with my best friend.  Someone, I do not know who and I wish I did, had donated a tree to the Mission in St. Augustine in the name of one of my dearest friends who had died in the South Tower of the World Trade Center.  I don't know when the tree had gone in, but it was my first time seeing it.  This man, was my best friend, and when my fiance shot himself, he was the only person that could touch me, the only person that ensured that I kept going when I was away from my friends at college.  To see that tree, it sent me to a dark place, and even being at the Shrine and the Mission for a good two hours after finding the tree -  the peaceful tranquility and spiritual energy of the shrine couldn't even begin to touch the blackness that had swooped in to sink its claws into me again.  To the point that I don't even think that my best friend knew that I'd slid from light into dark, my mask was just that good I guess.

Coming back, I've plastered on the smile, the answers that I'm doing fine, when in reality all I want to be doing is sleeping, staring at something mindlessly on netflix, or just no longer being here.  The thoughts have gotten darker more than they've gotten lighter, and while I've been able to escape a little bit and write some...I don't know for certain if I can keep the promises I've made. 

To talk to people about how I feel, they can't even begin to empathize with how I feel...or their sympathies seem hallow and false to my ears because the depression makes it sound that way. I go through the motions, I answer the questions, and I pretend day after day that I'm happy when in reality the light is further away today than it was yesterday.

I'm very sorry that the darkness is taking a grip on you right now. Please seek some professional help. No one has to know you are doing so, it is for you and no one else. Maybe a professional can help you back to the light.

*Offers sincere hugs*

Offline Karasu

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1259 on: April 27, 2016, 10:58:02 AM »
Fuck the Darkness! Come here for all the warm fluffy hugs! Caedy babe. Just remember that to all dark days there will be good ones. Keep that hope for those good days and they will come again, just have hope and never lose faith in yourself. We're all here for you as much as we can be as online friends and supporters.

Offline Caedy

  • ~ Keeper of the Plot Bunnies ~ Delightfully Devious ~ Vibrant Visionary ~ #Terribad ~ #NeverToBlame ~ Addicted to Words ~ Tea vs. Coffee ~ Sinfully Sweet ~ More innocent than Nic #Always
  • Lady Mentor
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2008
  • Location: ~In the backseat of your Rover~
  • Gender: Female
  • Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1260 on: April 27, 2016, 11:11:48 AM »
I'm very sorry that the darkness is taking a grip on you right now. Please seek some professional help. No one has to know you are doing so, it is for you and no one else. Maybe a professional can help you back to the light.

*Offers sincere hugs*

I will see what I can find Xandi.  Beyond that, I will do what I always do when things are darker than usual, hope for the light to return.  I had a long, long conversation with a very dear friend this morning and that helped quite a bit so things are slow beginning to brighten.

Offline Xandi

  • HUGS from the Queen of Hugs.....Hugs
  • Dame
  • Addict
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: In Xandiland where everyone is respectful or they get their head chopped off.
  • Gender: Female
  • Light dispels darkness, Widsom dispels ignorance
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1261 on: April 28, 2016, 04:14:03 AM »
I will see what I can find Xandi.  Beyond that, I will do what I always do when things are darker than usual, hope for the light to return.  I had a long, long conversation with a very dear friend this morning and that helped quite a bit so things are slow beginning to brighten.

*warm hugs*

Offline kakihara

  • A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep.
  • Lord
  • Seducer
  • *
  • Join Date: Aug 2006
  • Location: On the other side of the mirror... waiting.
  • Gender: Male
  • It's all in the reflexes.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1262 on: April 28, 2016, 10:14:54 AM »
*offers up more hugs to everyone having bad times*

I can definitely understand the negative talk as I get into that a lot and it's always been an issue. One technique I learned is to write down these thoughts, the very act can be emotional I know. If you just let them rattle up in your head they can go on forever but putting it down lets it be examined in the harsh light of reality. Two different paths I've learned. One, look at what you have written and examine it sharply. Most of the time you can clearly see that it is a gross exaggeration of things. Look at it logically if possible and try to rephrase it. Maybe you forgot something with your friend and your darkness has said what a horrible person you are, what a rotten friend you are. Looking at it you would rewrite it that I was unfortunately busy doing this so I missed doing this for my friend. Make an action plan that you will reach out to your friend and tell them what happened.

Secondly, if the above technique isn't a good option is to look at what you are saying to yourself and asking if you would say that to a friend. Because you need to be your own friend, need to care for yourself. If you wouldn't say it to a friend then ask yourself why you are saying it to yourself. Look at as if it was about your friend. Is it BS or is there some base truth. If BS write something down next to the phrase how you would speak to your friend if they said it, same if you think if there is some truth.

I find the first technique works best for me but I'm far from perfect about it. Learning some mindfulness techniques can also help but I suck at keeping up with them so... *shrugs* Hopefully the idea may be helpful to some in the battle with their darkness.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1263 on: April 29, 2016, 03:25:45 AM »
I have spent the last few days reading through this thread, the highs, the lows.  The past month or so I've been more out of sorts than normal, however I've been for the most part able to keep up appearances for those that don't know me well enough.  Those that know me, knew there was something not quite right, but uncertain about how to go about asking. 

I have had more bad days than good days lately, the worst being Sunday April 17 when I'd been in St. Augustine with my best friend.  Someone, I do not know who and I wish I did, had donated a tree to the Mission in St. Augustine in the name of one of my dearest friends who had died in the South Tower of the World Trade Center.  I don't know when the tree had gone in, but it was my first time seeing it.  This man, was my best friend, and when my fiance shot himself, he was the only person that could touch me, the only person that ensured that I kept going when I was away from my friends at college.  To see that tree, it sent me to a dark place, and even being at the Shrine and the Mission for a good two hours after finding the tree -  the peaceful tranquility and spiritual energy of the shrine couldn't even begin to touch the blackness that had swooped in to sink its claws into me again.  To the point that I don't even think that my best friend knew that I'd slid from light into dark, my mask was just that good I guess.

Coming back, I've plastered on the smile, the answers that I'm doing fine, when in reality all I want to be doing is sleeping, staring at something mindlessly on netflix, or just no longer being here.  The thoughts have gotten darker more than they've gotten lighter, and while I've been able to escape a little bit and write some...I don't know for certain if I can keep the promises I've made. 

To talk to people about how I feel, they can't even begin to empathize with how I feel...or their sympathies seem hallow and false to my ears because the depression makes it sound that way. I go through the motions, I answer the questions, and I pretend day after day that I'm happy when in reality the light is further away today than it was yesterday.

I will see what I can find Xandi.  Beyond that, I will do what I always do when things are darker than usual, hope for the light to return.  I had a long, long conversation with a very dear friend this morning and that helped quite a bit so things are slow beginning to brighten.

I'm so sorry to hear things have been so dark for you Caedy  ~offers big hugs~ I am really pleased you were able to talk things out with someone close to you though and that it helped. Sending you lots of light and positivity, if I may, and I really hope that little by little the brightness continues to grow.

Offline Caedy

  • ~ Keeper of the Plot Bunnies ~ Delightfully Devious ~ Vibrant Visionary ~ #Terribad ~ #NeverToBlame ~ Addicted to Words ~ Tea vs. Coffee ~ Sinfully Sweet ~ More innocent than Nic #Always
  • Lady Mentor
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2008
  • Location: ~In the backseat of your Rover~
  • Gender: Female
  • Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1264 on: April 29, 2016, 04:54:27 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear things have been so dark for you Caedy  ~offers big hugs~ I am really pleased you were able to talk things out with someone close to you though and that it helped. Sending you lots of light and positivity, if I may, and I really hope that little by little the brightness continues to grow.

Hugs are always, always welcome.  Even when I'm at my lowest point, hugs are always a small comfort.  All the light and positivity that can be sent will be welcome as well.

I've started a bullet journal, and in it I'm including something each day that I am grateful for, a gratitude list, and that I think will continue to help.  I'm using a journal that I'd won in a contest toward the end of last year form a Facebook group as my first one...and I ordered myself a blank sketchbook type journal that will become my 2nd one as this one doesn't have a whole lot of pages.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1265 on: April 29, 2016, 05:12:57 AM »
A gratitude list is a great idea! Focusing on being thankful for what I already have in my life, I have found, helps a lot. Every time my mind wanders to something I want or feel I don't have and I feel that drop happen I try to instantly counter it with something I do have that brings me happiness. After a while you train your brain to do it and keeping it all in a journal is a wonderful idea so that you can look back over the lists and even add images if you want. I hope you find a lot of happiness in keeping that journal  :-)

Offline AmberStarfire

  • Rogue Starlight ~ Fantasy Novelist ~ This Is Who We Are ~ Scully to his Mulder
  • Dame
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Aug 2008
  • Location: Somewhere that makes me smile
  • Gender: Female
  • ❤ Snuggler of the Wyld and Hairy ❤
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1266 on: April 29, 2016, 06:19:44 AM »
There have been multiple events in my life that have triggered periods of ongoing depression. What I found helped was to try to break the cycle. It was so, so easy (almost tempting) to fall back into rehashing or continuing the cycle (going over it repeatedly in my head). It was forcing myself to break the cycle and moving on that helped. Sometimes talking and venting to friends can help, but a few times for me it was continuing the cycle. I'd vent to a friend, then another friend, and I'd feel like they wouldn't really want to hear me vent or they were judging me, then I'd feel guilty and like I'd vented too much, and it would make me more depressed and fed into the cycle. I'm still not exactly sure where things changed, but I broke the cycle of venting and I distanced myself intentionally from the negative thoughts. The depression diminished after that. It wasn't all about me though, it was other people around me being more considerate, and by being more considerate toward them, they were more considerate toward me.

I tread very carefully now around negativity of any kind, so it can't and won't pull me down. I probably tread over-lightly, but I won't 'engage' with it too much, and I avoid negative self-talk. It can take time to get out of the habit and basically re-train your thinking, but every time you talk negatively to yourself, you're harming yourself a little. Life is hard enough as it is, and other people can be hard enough to deal with, so I asked myself, why make things any harder than they need to be? I've found it much easier to stay positive since stopping the negative self-talk and avoiding the negativity.

As for wanting things, I have a 'different' approach to that. I haven't watched tv in years so I don't see all the advertising that companies do to make you want things. I avoid ads and the shops unless I need to buy something.


Offline kakihara

  • A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep.
  • Lord
  • Seducer
  • *
  • Join Date: Aug 2006
  • Location: On the other side of the mirror... waiting.
  • Gender: Male
  • It's all in the reflexes.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1267 on: April 29, 2016, 07:18:22 AM »
Hugs are always, always welcome.  Even when I'm at my lowest point, hugs are always a small comfort.  All the light and positivity that can be sent will be welcome as well.

I've started a bullet journal, and in it I'm including something each day that I am grateful for, a gratitude list, and that I think will continue to help.  I'm using a journal that I'd won in a contest toward the end of last year form a Facebook group as my first one...and I ordered myself a blank sketchbook type journal that will become my 2nd one as this one doesn't have a whole lot of pages.

This sounds like a great idea.  I don't journal often but I find it cathartic and focusing only on the positive is a good idea, I don't think I could do that.

I am reminded yesterday that no matter how many years pass that you have the demon locked up, if you give them a crack to slip through they are out of their cell quickly.  I fell fast and quick last evening and I can only blame myself.  It was probably added to by the fact that I was already in a bad state because of my new diet but then giving material to play with the darkness went crazy and I fell down for a little.  It was hard and I just wanted to cave in on myself.  The feeling sucks because I like to think of myself as strong but I feel so weak in these moments, so stupid, and I hate that fact.  It was only a few hours of moping and then before bed I slowly dragged it back into it's cell.  But I find when you put the darkness, the depression, locked away, it has a tendency to take some of the rest of your feelings, at least for me.  So, I don't feel depressed right now but kind of feel... empty?  But that may have been from crappy sleep too, it is morning. 

Trying to find my way back to the light and breath in the fresh air.  I know I need to concentrate on the positive and the things I need to do to improve myself, which is what I'm trying to do right now.  Regret and living in the past is the worst thing you can do I think when you are depressed or trying to get over it, it's my biggest problem I know.  So, trying to be in the now and look a step ahead too and that is it.  But, I've been living with this for 20 some years and I know I will probably never have it gone, all I can do is be vigilant and careful.

Offline Lapine

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1268 on: May 01, 2016, 09:55:13 AM »
Please don't blame yourself.  Depression is an illness, not something any of us would ever, ever choose.  I've often found it ebbs and flows; some days are better and some are worse.  You can exacerbate it of course, but it's not anyone's "fault".  All my life I've lived with people asking what I've got to be depressed about...it's infuriating because most of the time the answer is "nothing".  That's the thing about depression as opposed to just "being down".  When bad things happen, it's natural and understandable to be down about it.  True clinical depression is not event related.  I liken it to being at the bottom of a deep, dark well.  You want to get out, and there is a door.  But the door is always just visible out the corner of your eye and when you turn toward it, it moves as well, so you end up just going in circles and digging in ever deeper.

The thing is...even at the worst times, you know what you need to do but the very nature of depression prevents you from actually doing it.  For myself, drugs are the answer...doesn't fix everything but at least it makes that damn door stay put!  I still swing some but never quite as bad into the abyss as without my "helpers". 

So, give yourself permission to feel the way you feel, but don't take on the guilt of it...that way is a snake eating its own tail.

Offline Xandi

  • HUGS from the Queen of Hugs.....Hugs
  • Dame
  • Addict
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: In Xandiland where everyone is respectful or they get their head chopped off.
  • Gender: Female
  • Light dispels darkness, Widsom dispels ignorance
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1269 on: May 03, 2016, 05:19:52 AM »
Please don't blame yourself.  Depression is an illness, not something any of us would ever, ever choose.  I've often found it ebbs and flows; some days are better and some are worse.  You can exacerbate it of course, but it's not anyone's "fault".  All my life I've lived with people asking what I've got to be depressed about...it's infuriating because most of the time the answer is "nothing".  That's the thing about depression as opposed to just "being down".  When bad things happen, it's natural and understandable to be down about it.  True clinical depression is not event related.  I liken it to being at the bottom of a deep, dark well.  You want to get out, and there is a door.  But the door is always just visible out the corner of your eye and when you turn toward it, it moves as well, so you end up just going in circles and digging in ever deeper.

The thing is...even at the worst times, you know what you need to do but the very nature of depression prevents you from actually doing it.  For myself, drugs are the answer...doesn't fix everything but at least it makes that damn door stay put!  I still swing some but never quite as bad into the abyss as without my "helpers". 

So, give yourself permission to feel the way you feel, but don't take on the guilt of it...that way is a snake eating its own tail.

That is so wonderfully put. Thank you for those wise and thoughtful word. It is easier for me to put my depression into prospective when I relate to it this way, I have never visualized it quite like this. Thank you so much, as I have been battling my depression a lot more lately. I went for years without and episode and then bam, like a ton of bricks it all caved in on me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, I can't express enough how thankful I am. You have no idea how much that post has helped me. I am in tears after reading it and relating it to myself.

*hugs if that is okay*

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1270 on: June 18, 2016, 03:40:16 PM »
I was abruptly reminded today that depression matters. Make sure to let your loved ones know you are there for them. Don't let it wait until tomorrow.

*hugs for all in need* You are valuable and precious.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1271 on: June 19, 2016, 06:08:29 AM »
~hugs Oreo~

Offline Sofia Grace

  • Nerdy, dirty, inked and curvy|The Max Black to BeMy's Caroline Channing|Ginger Spice Gem
  • Lady Mentor
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: May 2014
  • Location: New England
  • Gender: Female
  • My neck is open wide, begging for a fist around it
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 1
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1272 on: June 19, 2016, 12:03:28 PM »
Long rant/whine session is long... apologies.
I'm posting this here because it's been nagging at me all morning and I don't really have an outlet to word-vomit into (I'm not the journal type, etc.).  While 99.9% of the time I'm an up-beat, emotionally stable and level-headed person with not many cares in the world, there are a shit ton of things I have to be depressed about that I bottle up and push to the back of my head (I know, not healthy - whatever).  I was never formally diagnosed with major depression - rather Seasonal Affective Disorder, but the depressive symptoms come to haunt me from time to time.  Recently I've been overwhelmed with work and school and although I'm ridiculously over the moon about my new relationship - the first healthy, functional relationship I've ever had - I find myself depressed over my lack of social connections.

When I was 16, I entered into an extremely controlling, abusive relationship with a guy I would remain with for five years.  I was isolated from all but one friend.  In addition, I'm now old enough to realize that this relationship and cutoff from most social connection happened during the most imperative years of my brain's formation.  When he and I broke up, I had a brief period of time where I had a decent friend base due to being in college.  Though I commuted to school and didn't stay on campus like others, which limited my ability to really make friendships, I had a couple of close friends I grew fond of.  My senior year, I was even adopted into a group of four roommates and felt like for the first time, I had a group of friends like everyone else did. 

We all graduated and everyone went their separate ways, for the most part.  They were from upstate, a wealthier area (I went to a private university on a full scholarship, so while I came from little money everyone else's families were loaded).  The one girl from the group I was closest with turned into what I call a "Jesus freak" (no offense to those who are very religious!) so even if I wanted to reconnect with her, I feel as though it would be difficult.  She and another girl from the group remain close.   Second girl is getting married, and I was friends with all of them when she and her boyfriend started dating.  I wasn't even invited to the wedding, which is happening in August.

My next relationship was actually the relationship that brought me to E.  While things seemed okay at first, he turned out to be a lot like my father in all the worst ways.  He was an alcoholic and I stopped getting invited places because he'd either be miserable or he'd be an ass while drunk.  He was very anti-social and for a while I was cut off from the girls I had gotten close with in college - so I had the opportunities to sort of connect with them but I missed those opportunities because once again, I was held back by a shitty relationship.  He and I broke up over the winter, thankfully.

Recent events have brought me to the realization that not only was the relationship I held in high school abusive, but so is the relationship I have with the friend who stood by me through it.  I've been friends with her since we were little, and she's changed a lot over the years.  I've had a lot of time to think lately, and the friendship is incredibly toxic.  I downloaded the "Bumble" app to try and make new girlfriends in the area, and she has gotten incredibly jealous that I would have the balls to try and make new friends.  She's possessive and controlling, and doesn't like it when I create new friendships.

I started dating a new guy back in January and he's phenomenal.  He's social and outgoing, and he takes care of me emotionally the way no one has ever really bothered to.  It's been great for me.  But I can't help but feel lonely, still.  I'm at a point in my life where most of my friends on social media are getting engaged or married, and it's not like I'll be invited to any of them, you know?  And I also end up thinking that if I were to get married tomorrow, at least the wedding would be cheap since I don't really have many friends. 

This sudden depression regarding social relationships has been triggered recently by a Bachelors-level intern at my internship.  Some back story:  I did my internship here from 2012-2013 when I was in undergrad.  I returned for my graduate placement because they liked me so much and agreed to take me on as a clinical intern.  While there, I had made friends with one of the staff and I was historically the intern that she bonded with. We would go to concerts together and connect over art.  She is part of a group with four other staff members, who I am all quite friendly with (but I guess not friendly enough).  Anyway, this group has taken in this new intern and she's snuggly and at home with them like she's known them forever.  What is irritating my soul is the question of, why not me?  What the hell is so great about her that they invite her out with them, but I never got invited out?  The rational side of me reminds me that my office is upstairs, while she shares an office with one of them and they're all relatively close in proximity downstairs.  But the emotional, irritated and depressed side of me is just upset because I feel like I'm a good person.  I know I'm fun, and people seem to like me - but not enough to want me in their social circles.

I can't help but feel like I'm the one everyone likes to have fun with temporarily, but not in a long-term friend type of way.  I've always been the one people vent to, and the one people count on to be emotionally stable and level-headed.  In times like this, I feel like a total crybaby and I feel like I'm being overdramatic.  But I'm just tired of being the odd man out, you know?

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1273 on: June 19, 2016, 12:57:33 PM »
Makes total sense to me, Sofia.  *hugs*

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1274 on: June 19, 2016, 02:16:48 PM »
Makes sense to me too. You're not alone in feeling that way, Sofia ~offers hugs~