I have spent the last few days reading through this thread, the highs, the lows. The past month or so I've been more out of sorts than normal, however I've been for the most part able to keep up appearances for those that don't know me well enough. Those that know me, knew there was something not quite right, but uncertain about how to go about asking.
I have had more bad days than good days lately, the worst being Sunday April 17 when I'd been in St. Augustine with my best friend. Someone, I do not know who and I wish I did, had donated a tree to the Mission in St. Augustine in the name of one of my dearest friends who had died in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. I don't know when the tree had gone in, but it was my first time seeing it. This man, was my best friend, and when my fiance shot himself, he was the only person that could touch me, the only person that ensured that I kept going when I was away from my friends at college. To see that tree, it sent me to a dark place, and even being at the Shrine and the Mission for a good two hours after finding the tree - the peaceful tranquility and spiritual energy of the shrine couldn't even begin to touch the blackness that had swooped in to sink its claws into me again. To the point that I don't even think that my best friend knew that I'd slid from light into dark, my mask was just that good I guess.
Coming back, I've plastered on the smile, the answers that I'm doing fine, when in reality all I want to be doing is sleeping, staring at something mindlessly on netflix, or just no longer being here. The thoughts have gotten darker more than they've gotten lighter, and while I've been able to escape a little bit and write some...I don't know for certain if I can keep the promises I've made.
To talk to people about how I feel, they can't even begin to empathize with how I feel...or their sympathies seem hallow and false to my ears because the depression makes it sound that way. I go through the motions, I answer the questions, and I pretend day after day that I'm happy when in reality the light is further away today than it was yesterday.