Honestly? It has always been really hard for me to form connections with people. Even when I was a child. I think that I get some of that from my mother, she had disassociative and wrestled with all sorts of demons. Despite everything, I did truly love her, and I miss her. As a kid, my father had also gotten remarried for a time, and my step mother and siblings used to abuse me pretty terribly. Just about every form you can think of, so that hardened me. Without really being able to contextualize what happened, I made the decision at 6 that I was never going to be a victim again, and I had huge anger problems growing up. I have made my peace with what happened, and mellowed out but I have still always had problems forming actual, lasting connections. My father and I moved a bit as I was growing up, so that probably played a part too. I've been in many relationships, and out of all the ones that I have been in? I've genuinely loved one person. When I love, I love hard, and when I hate, I hate just as hard. We tried that song and dance three times, and I walked away for good last year. That person isn't good for me in the least. You can't make someone a priority who sees you as an option, and who claims to love you but that love stems from a selfish, dangerous place where I was used, led on and she wasn't being fully honest with me. We'd talked about having a family together, and creating a future together. Forever got really short basically. All the same, I can admit to having been in the wrong because I wanted to 'save' her. I wanted to change her into what I thought she should be which meant I wasn't really accepting who this person was. She has a kid, and I got really attached to her daughter who also got really attached to me. I never realized that I want a family as bad as I do, but I do. More than anything. I want to have children, and I want to raise them to where they don't grow up feeling like there is something wrong with them like I did. I miss both of them a lot, despite the anger I feel. I think about them a lot more than I should, and I can hope that someday I will be able to connect to someone to that degree again. That I will be able to love someone like that, but without wanting to change them. I can also really hope that this person will truly love me, from a safe and healthy place as well. I just don't know though.
I will be 30 in a couple years, and nearly all of my friends are married, or they live with their partners or they have children. I have had several really good jobs, but I am not yet settled in a career because I refuse to let a job define me and to leech off of me and take precedence over the parts of my life that have nothing to do with business. I can and do walk away from anything that is toxic in my life. Friendships, relationships and jobs. I just don't want to have to anymore. I want some good in my life. Some purity, and I want to be surrounded by things that influence me and uplift me. A therapist told me that I have seasonal depression, typically around the winter because my mother passed during the winter, and a good deal of my hardships that I've endured have been in the winter. She might be right, the rest of the year though, it feels like I am just wrestling with hopelessness and I am tired. I know better days are ahead, and I know that I can bring them to life and that I can control what I can control and there is no use fretting about what I can't change. It just sucks lol. A year ago, I was insanely happy. The aforementioned woman and I had reconnected, and mended fences. I was working a really good job that at the time, I thought was going to become a career before the other shoe dropped. I reconnected with my half brother who I hadn't spoken to in nearly a decade, and I wasn't being stabbed in the back by my friends. Everything was just lighter, and I need to get back to that place. I have my nephew and niece out here with me for a good bit of the summer, they were here last year too and their presence helps, although I have to put on a strong face because I don't want to let them see me as anything less than strong. Last night, my nephew asked me if he was going to see my exes' kid again and that really stung lol.
I just needed to get all this off my chest. This thread is really inspiring, so thank you.