Some days, it is really hard to feel like you're able to catch a break.
Well, the last few have been like this for me. Where to start...? Well, my wife has been diagnosed with severe depression for all of her adult life, and I have been diagnosed with depression for over a decade now. To make life far more interesting, both of our sons are Autism Spectrum Disorder sufferers (elder with Aspergers, younger with High Functioning Autism).
I am currently undertaking a course to become a Tax Preparer, and while it is a three hour lecture one day a week, the home work is a little anxiety producing before I do any of it. Once I get started, it is not that frightening. So, when homework covers things that I have already done earlier in the course, it is not as scary. But it still makes me want to hide from it, even as I am trying to do it.
Add to this, it is school holidays over here, into the second week of two. So the boys are home, and they need some attention through the day, and given their associated behavioural issues, this adds to the stress levels a bit.
And to cap it all off - My wife was due to have some follow up treatments for her depression, but these were moved forward to the beginning of the week. So, she is in hospital for two to three weeks, leaving me alone to deal with everything more or less by myself. So, one week of them home for the holidays, then one to two weeks of them in school. Plus, arranging for some one to look after the boys while I attend classes (at night), and do all the household chores, errands, etc, by myself while trying not to freak out over homework, and all the irrational thoughts and feelings triggered by that, and everything else I am torturing myself with.
Now, this has effectively crushed my ability to write, as my long list of absolutely wonderful writing partners can attest. Most of them have held in with me, and the few who haven't - well, I can't blame them but the way they let me know made me feel good about the situation, and left my irrational side with little ammo to hurt me with. But, I am getting some replies out, and I am trying to get more out without doing myself harm in the process.
Right now, when I am not in control over the internal maelstrom, I feel as though it is all too much. This course will be of great benefit to me in very tangible ways - like steady work and some real income during the tax season, as well as showing myself, and others, I am not totally useless. (Others are quick to point out that I am not totally useless, but there is a part of me that refuses to listen to such sensible, rational talk)
Anyway, I know one good thing when I am in a place like I am now is to talk about what is going on. Responses are optional extras, but just being heard is a great help. I know I am not alone in having these kind of responses to circumstances, and I know that there are others who I feel are in worse circumstances than I am. My getting 'help' does not diminish the help that others get, nor does it belittle their circumstances. But there are times where I feel that doing something like this is me being petty, or weak, or possibly opening myself to be called stupid or the like.
But that wont happen here, because the people here are understanding, and have demonstrated it many times in the past. My circumstances are not dire, even the irrational part of me knows that, but reaching out for help is a good thing, and I am embracing it for what it is, a good thing.
Thank you for reading this slight ramble as I clear a jumble of mess in between my ears in order to calm me down for the next few weeks. I can get through it... how much I leave behind on all the barbs is yet to be seen.
As a good friend of mine once said during a table top roleplaying game...
That which does not kill me... has made its last mistake.