Corrupt a wish

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted, instead other women identify you as a "pick me" and you struggle to make and keep genuine friendships with members of your own gender.

I wish my hair was twice its current length. 

[Mnemosyne]

Granted! You are one step closer to being rapunzel, although your hair... somehow seems to have become mysteriously see through, you can still feel it eerily there at your side!

I wish I could have a farm that grew bioluminescent plants!

[LostInTheMist]

Granted. But they're carnivorous plants, and their mouths are just the right size for you.

I wish to be free of these wishes.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted, you are henceforth banned from this thread!

I wish the early parts of dating were as easy as the bedroom parts.

[CaptainErotica]

Granted but now the bedroom parts are the hard part. 

I wish I could retire from my normal job and take up writing to pay the bills.

[Mnemosyne]

Granted! However the moment you can no longer think of words to write, the moment you stop typing or moving your pen to paper... your life force ebbs away into nothing... sad to say, and your story will never be told. (( Sobs for you. ))

I wish that humans smelled as bad as their soul/heart/mind was, so I knew who to avoid!

[CaptainErotica]

Granted but you soon discover that you are allergic to the smell of a truly good soul.

I wish that I could come out of the closet regarding my kinks without giving up my current relationship.

[Mnemosyne]

Oh dear good Captain.... I do so wish to grant this wish perfectly... You come out with your present kinks and all is well in the relationship zone, but your drive decreases rapidly thereafter.

I wish that my lips would be permanently painted black in a way that was more of a warning than an invitation.

[LostInTheMist]

Granted, but it rubs off on anything you put your lips on.

I wish I could choose when to be tired and when not to be.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted, but when you're not tired you're overly emotional. 

I wish my food cooked itself.

[LostInTheMist]

I'd make that trade.

Granted, but always too salty, too spicy, too sweet, too greasy, too much of something you can't remove.

I wish the food in my fridge and freezer never went bad.

[Samael]

granted, but it is also not edible to humans any more.

I wish I had a mind like Leonardo DaVinci

[LostInTheMist]

Granted, but it's in a jar by the door.

I wish that I could be paid exorbitant sums of money to do a job that I love.

[CaptainErotica]

Granted but your boss (or something else) goes out of his (it’s) way to suck the joy from it.

I wish I retire and focus on the fun things in life.

[Observing Trifles]

Granted, but with all your free time, you don't find anything as fun as you used to.

I wish that the floors in my house were self-cleaning and picked up all the dog fur.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted, they pile everything in front of the front door. In a loose pile. The furniture included. You can't leave now. 

I wish I could sound-proof my home for free.

[LostInTheMist]

Granted, but the soundproofing absorbs sound like a sponge so now you can't hear anything either.

I wish I were 25 years younger with all the knowledge I currently have. I'd love to try middle school and high school again with some knowledge of how to navigate it.

[Samael]

Granted, but now you never age and never leave middle and high school

I wish I could fix up the lives of people around me who really need it.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted; here's your gun. Friendly fire is on in reality.

I wish my hair was straight.

[Mnemosyne]

Granted! Your hair is straight, but so much so that it forms more of a one dimensional line.

I wish that I could be a rabbit mermaid that was so cute, if you touched it you exploded.

[LostInTheMist]

Does that wish need to be corrupted? You'll be around your family and friends, so there will be a lot of exploding family and friends if they so much as touch you.

I wish groceries cost the same whether you got them delivered or bought them yourself in the store.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted, 8 billion dollars is the standard price for a loaf of bread and everything else increased equivalently. Good thing it gets delivered for free, at least. 

I wish I was precisely ten years younger.

[Mnemosyne]

Granted, you are precisely ten years younger. Somehow the earth got ten years older in that time and the apocalypse is upon us. Best of luck!

I wish that I could survive on eating dirt alone.

[LostInTheMist]

Granted. You turn into an Earthworm.

I wish I could travel back in time to kill Trump and Hitler. Maybe if I started with Hitler, Trump wouldn't be such a terrible person, given he won't have a role model.

[Silvered Sutures]

Granted. Unfortunately the timeline works out in such a way that you die shortly after and don't get to enjoy the resulting world. 

I wish I had two more pairs of arms without becoming an arachnid.