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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 187769 times)

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Offline Oniya

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1575 on: December 05, 2018, 06:06:50 PM »
There are four very powerful words that a thread about this reminds oneself: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Knowing that others face the same demon, knowing there is a place to talk to them, to find support, is one of the things that gives me the strength to keep going, to not give up or give in to total despair.

The way I look at it is this: every day is a fight, me vs. depression, and so far, even though I've been knocked flat and sucker-punched more times than I can remember, I keep getting up, keep fighting, and a lot of that will power comes from what I read here. I am the undefeated champion of my life. And so are you. So is everyone else facing the struggle. You are UNDEFEATED every time you make it through the day. Another fight won. And you can keep winning. Every time I'm lying on that mat after getting knocked down, every time I just want to stay down for the count, somewhere deep inside me, I find the strength to get up and fight, to keep going. And having support, be it friends, family, or anonymous strangers on a forum, makes it easier to get up again.

In a clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminder
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
'I am leaving, I am leaving'
But the fighter still remains.

Offline Giantmutantcrab

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1576 on: December 07, 2018, 12:45:29 PM »
In a clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminder
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
'I am leaving, I am leaving'
But the fighter still remains.

That one really hit home for me.

Thank you.

Offline Fierbali111

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1577 on: December 20, 2018, 10:56:37 AM »
Always wondered if there's different types of depression. All throughout high school and early uni i thought i had it. Maybe i did but i was functional at least and had a lot of happy moments, even though my motivation wasn't the greatest at times.

After graduating and not finding a job along with finding out life wasn't what i thought it was, thats when i felt what i call Old school depression. The existential dread of knowing everyone you love will die, that everything ends, constant panic attacks, thoughts of suicide, nothing tastes or feels good, and your thoughts are filled with this dread every waking second for months on end. Luckily for the year i was on ssri's it fixed it and I went off them without any side effects.

I would be interested to know if that's the same type of depression everyone else felt or currently feels and that I sympathize with you all greatly for hanging in there for the brighter days ahead.

Offline Mirrah

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1578 on: December 21, 2018, 05:15:14 AM »
I often find that when I'm sinking into depression, my first reflex is to try to disconnect with, or distance myself from, others. It's not that I don't value them in my life, and I have trouble explaining, but everything just becomes a big blur--time, events, people and their faces. And I can't stand to be around people at those times. My social anxiety flares to an unbearable level, to the point where it may trigger panic episodes. It's so easy, during those times, to feel disillusioned, and to think that it all felt so empty and... not real. Or, that connections are not real. To become jaded. To not trust and believe people. What is the worth in putting effort to it? Sabotage of self and relationships begins there; in this facet, I still struggle daily, but I (like to) think that I have gotten better than I used to be with handling it. It can be difficult to be objective when thinking about it.

But then after the symptoms recede enough, the people who are still waiting there remind me that they're still there, even if I went through the wringer and sometimes they don't understand, or unexpectedly get hurt because of my inability to keep to acceptable social standards and practices, or to uphold obligations.

Unfortunately, having "faked it" in the happiness department for too long, it's too difficult to be honest and truthful about not making it, or even to admit to people that it's not always real. And when you stop smiling, people start asking why; it gets painful and/or uncomfortable, and so becomes easier to just smile and say, "It's all good. It's fine." It becomes easier to lie. Acceptable, even.

My father always said (and recently repeated to me), "Even if you're not okay, even if you're ill, pretend that you're okay, that you're healthy. Don't let anyone know, to the point where you trick even yourself." But the day when I couldn't do that any longer, even tricking myself wasn't enough, it became even more of a downward spiral. By then, I had handicapped myself in so many ways, I couldn't even ask for help from anyone--especially family. It is something that is unacceptable to them, and they make it obvious every day that they cannot understand it, just as they cannot feel empathy for when suicidal people. Certainly, they do see that I segregate myself from them from time to time, sometimes often, sometimes less so, but they don't understand that the reason why, is because I already knew their judgment before they even knew my story. And by perceiving their reactions to those of others, I realized that I can never be open about this burden with them. It would open up and make raw wounds that I am just not ready or willing to deal with.

As long as there are times when I can still close the door on it and ignore what's behind it to focus on doing what I need to do, I feel like I am standing on ground that is even enough for me to keep walking. It's when the door won't close any longer that I'll know I need to find help. I am thankful for still having the strength of mind to be able to shut it.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1579 on: December 21, 2018, 05:58:18 AM »
Always wondered if there's different types of depression. All throughout high school and early uni i thought i had it. Maybe i did but i was functional at least and had a lot of happy moments, even though my motivation wasn't the greatest at times.

After graduating and not finding a job along with finding out life wasn't what i thought it was, thats when i felt what i call Old school depression. The existential dread of knowing everyone you love will die, that everything ends, constant panic attacks, thoughts of suicide, nothing tastes or feels good, and your thoughts are filled with this dread every waking second for months on end. Luckily for the year i was on ssri's it fixed it and I went off them without any side effects.

I would be interested to know if that's the same type of depression everyone else felt or currently feels and that I sympathize with you all greatly for hanging in there for the brighter days ahead.


Welcome to the blog, Fierbali111. I've never really had dread over things ending like that but I've had periods where I feel nothing emotionally and everything tastes and looks 'bland' if that makes sense. I find those periods worse than when I'm really down, actually, because I wallow in them, sometimes for a very long time. I think everyone's experiences are different and individual but have very similar veins to them that we can all relate to in some way. Even if I don't necessarily share someone's trigger for my anxiety or depression, for example, I can still completely empathise with what that trigger results in and how they feel.

I often find that when I'm sinking into depression, my first reflex is to try to disconnect with, or distance myself from, others. It's not that I don't value them in my life, and I have trouble explaining, but everything just becomes a big blur--time, events, people and their faces. And I can't stand to be around people at those times. My social anxiety flares to an unbearable level, to the point where it may trigger panic episodes.

This is exactly what happens to me and I feel really bad whenever it happens because I pull away very quickly. Sometimes by the time I feel able to respond my brain then tells me it's too late, that they won't want to know because I went quiet for so long. I get really spaced out and I know I'm not able to concentrate on what someone is saying to me properly or be there in the conversation the way I want to be, then it seems like I don't care when I do I just can't get a grasp on what is being said to me properly and I start forgetting things people have said to me and then I feel even worse for not being able to remember things I would normally remember really easily  >.<

Offline Mirrah

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1580 on: December 21, 2018, 06:31:09 AM »
This is exactly what happens to me and I feel really bad whenever it happens because I pull away very quickly. Sometimes by the time I feel able to respond my brain then tells me it's too late, that they won't want to know because I went quiet for so long. I get really spaced out and I know I'm not able to concentrate on what someone is saying to me properly or be there in the conversation the way I want to be, then it seems like I don't care when I do I just can't get a grasp on what is being said to me properly and I start forgetting things people have said to me and then I feel even worse for not being able to remember things I would normally remember really easily  >.<

I tend to feel horrible after the fact--and if I'm still not too far gone, I fee badly during it as well, but then it fades for a while only to return with a vengeance after I get better. It also messes with my memory of things and my perceptions. I get my days and nights mixed up, and it triggers insomnia just when I've gotten a handle on my sleeping pattern getting better. I get really forgetful, and it's like my brain just dumps things at random while I'm in my "social sleep." If only I could pick and choose what it dumps... At those times, it's difficult to read, especially what feels like large paragraphs of text, since my brain fizzes out. People would accuse me of getting distant and cold, which I've tried to address since. I'm not sure I've done too well at that.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1581 on: December 21, 2018, 06:51:34 AM »
~offers big hugs~

My sleep patterns go one of two ways, I either sleep all the time or don't sleep at all. Either way seems to have the same effect on me as I get sluggish, forgetful and unable to concentrate. Like you I find it difficult to read when that happens and I just can't process things very well. I think I'm getting better at not being as mean to myself when I do it, or at least not really listening to my brain when it tells me I'm a bad person but at the same time I have also learnt when to pick my battles and tackle things or say to myself 'leave it, you can't deal with this right now'. I used to just plough on regardless until I reached breaking point which wasn't good for me or anyone around me  :/

I think it's super important to be aware of how you work and how it affects you. I've found the more aware I am of that the more able I am to identify what's happening with how I'm feeling and coping with things.

Online Tolvo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1582 on: December 21, 2018, 07:44:49 AM »
I thought I'd mention. I have a long history with this. Of dealing with such thoughts and feelings. I've lived with OCD my whole life, and have schizophrenia. I go into detail on what it is and how it effects your mind in my OCD thread. I've attempted suicide dozens of times, been sent to therapists, doctors, committed to a psych ward and lived in hospital for a time. My whole life, I've lived as a "Crazy person." Trapped within my own mind. Abused, marginalized, mistreated, in many ways. I'm a survivor of CSA, of rape, of physical abuse, of emotional abuse. I'm scared to detail everything, on dealing with having chronic suicidal thoughts, of triggering others by talking about what daily life trapped in my brain is like and how my brain is actively trying to kill me. But I just want to say, as has been echoed by others. You are not alone. If it isn't too incredibly triggering I can go into more detail(Not graphic but what I've dealt with in my life) but only if staff say it's alright because genuinely, I don't want to churn stomachs. But I just want to repeat that line always, you are not alone. I lived much of my life thinking I was the only person in the world thinking the thoughts I did, until I met others like myself and learned about mental illnesses. I'm not fixed, I can't be cured. But I have managed to survive, I'm still alive. And I want to give hope to others that they can too. And don't worry about whether or not you've had it actually hard or not, don't compare yourself to others and worry that what you face in your life isn't bad enough to feel bad about. Because it doesn't matter, if you are suffering, you are suffering. If you have an arm cut off, it isn't that you shouldn't feel bad because another person had both arms cut off. You also got dealt a terrible hand, and suffered. Regardless of if someone else was dealt a worse hand. There is a great video, that mentions the history of the treatment of mental illness and suicide, but is incredibly heavy. It is about dealing with suicide, but ultimately, is about the creator's own struggles with it and his own experiences. But I still don't know whether to link it because if someone doesn't realize that the video is genuinely triggering them and they spiral, they might not know to stop watching and calm themself with whatever methods they know. But it is a very powerful video I wish I could post here.

Offline Mirrah

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1583 on: December 21, 2018, 08:00:38 AM »
~offers big hugs~

My sleep patterns go one of two ways, I either sleep all the time or don't sleep at all. Either way seems to have the same effect on me as I get sluggish, forgetful and unable to concentrate. Like you I find it difficult to read when that happens and I just can't process things very well. I think I'm getting better at not being as mean to myself when I do it, or at least not really listening to my brain when it tells me I'm a bad person but at the same time I have also learnt when to pick my battles and tackle things or say to myself 'leave it, you can't deal with this right now'. I used to just plough on regardless until I reached breaking point which wasn't good for me or anyone around me  :/

I think it's super important to be aware of how you work and how it affects you. I've found the more aware I am of that the more able I am to identify what's happening with how I'm feeling and coping with things.

*Accepts and big hugs back.*

I usually go until my body can't and then I crash. When I get better, my sleep gets more normal as well. I'm still working out trying to keep from biting off more responsibility/tasks than I can chew. As for being mean to myself, I've gotten far enough to be safe from physical self-harm, but learning to love myself is still a long, long journey I'm struggling with. And someone saying they love you and like you can not be equated with you loving and liking yourself, I've learned.

I'm glad that you've found that balance. It helps to find some hope to remember about when it feels hopeless. That is also a part of coping for me, and learning which buttons I need to press when things go bad in my head. Sometimes, people know these things and are aware of them already, like a reflex, and sometimes, it's something that needs to be learned. Like, "this is how I save myself." And that is what I've been trying to learn. Stagnation is one of my worst enemies.


Thank you for sharing your experiences, Tolvo. Yes, the knowing of "not alone" is important, but a problem is, it's not always easy to remember that when the mind starts to cycle downwards. (Since you are uncertain of whether or not it's safe to post the video here because of triggers, and you somewhat described the video already, I suggest maybe allowing people to PM you for the link instead.)

Offline Gannameade

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1584 on: December 21, 2018, 11:43:07 AM »
I thank you all and appreciate everyone for opening and sharing their struggles...and pain.  I want to offer words of comfort, solace, something to make you not feel the pain or the struggle of simply trying to live with every pain that caused you to be in this place.

I wish I could...I can't.  Cause I am there too.  I can only say I understand, wish to lend a hand.  Realize that you are not alone.  There is someone out there that is thinking about you, praying for you, hoping you are willing to stay!  Take one more step towards the light on this side, to find that happiness...that will one day come with not giving up...or giving in to the darkness that will claim you for the last time.  To live, simply to live.  Not with a fake smile of everything being alright because someone told you it was...that you can do it on your own...don't let anyone in...pull yourself up by your own bootstraps...or any number of BS drivel that states you have to be aimless, hopeless and alone.

I pray blessings upon each and every one of you and desire for you to find the strength to love yourself.  Even when you feel or think that nobody else does.  Don't believe the life, know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made!

Be blessed this year and in the coming year.

With much love and support to each of you.
Ganna.

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1585 on: December 21, 2018, 02:17:02 PM »
Christmas sucks.

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1586 on: December 21, 2018, 02:18:36 PM »
Christmas sucks.

-Hugs bunny tight-

You're part of my Silent Hill family, bunny.

Offline Giantmutantcrab

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1587 on: December 21, 2018, 03:17:55 PM »
Christmas sucks.

*whispers creepily at bunny*

One of ussssssssss
One of ussssssssssssssssss


You'll never be alone.

*whispers extra-creepily*

...never be alone...

...ever...

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1588 on: December 21, 2018, 04:51:04 PM »
The Crab knows.

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1589 on: December 21, 2018, 08:40:22 PM »
-Hugs bunny tight-

You're part of my Silent Hill family, bunny.

*whispers creepily at bunny*

One of ussssssssss
One of ussssssssssssssssss


You'll never be alone.

*whispers extra-creepily*

...never be alone...

...ever...

Aww you guys! Even made me crack a smile, which have been really sparse lately. Thank you for that.

I just don't do holidays well, and this one seems harder then all the others combined. It will pass, not much longer to go.

Online Peripherie

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1590 on: December 21, 2018, 08:43:01 PM »
My 12-day vacation starts today. And I should feel really relaxed and care-free. I don't have tons of plans or obligations or anything that 'has to be done'.

But I can't stop feeling anxious and stressed out. This is my first day in a month or more that I don't have a huge list of work or life stuff weighing me down. And I have eagerly looked forward to having time off to write and rest and do whatever I want. But I feel so out of place I am shaking and want to cry.

It's like I've had to keep 'feeling down' in check for so long just to make it through each day that the first moment I can let my guard down it come flooding back. Does that make any sense?

This sucks.

Offline Fierbali111

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1591 on: December 22, 2018, 12:20:36 AM »
Hey thanks Rhedyn.

On a more positive note, what seems to help your mood when you're stuck in a rut? Video games work for me sometimes, or just taking some time to slow down and focus on a simple task that just empties my mind. Also being able to vent is good too, having a friend you can let your guard down with and talk does wonders.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1592 on: December 22, 2018, 06:30:03 AM »
My 12-day vacation starts today. And I should feel really relaxed and care-free. I don't have tons of plans or obligations or anything that 'has to be done'.

But I can't stop feeling anxious and stressed out. This is my first day in a month or more that I don't have a huge list of work or life stuff weighing me down. And I have eagerly looked forward to having time off to write and rest and do whatever I want. But I feel so out of place I am shaking and want to cry.

It's like I've had to keep 'feeling down' in check for so long just to make it through each day that the first moment I can let my guard down it come flooding back. Does that make any sense?

This sucks.

Yeah, it makes sense, Peri. I think that sometimes busy can help us stop really feeling. It's easier to ignore how we're feeling if we don't have the time because of other stuff. When the other stuff isn't there and we have time to relax we can get bombarded again.

Hey thanks Rhedyn.

On a more positive note, what seems to help your mood when you're stuck in a rut? Video games work for me sometimes, or just taking some time to slow down and focus on a simple task that just empties my mind. Also being able to vent is good too, having a friend you can let your guard down with and talk does wonders.

Video games and reading can help me sometimes but I've found I have to be super careful because I can allow myself to be absorbed by them which makes things worse in the long run. Most of the things that really help me I have to push myself hard to do but when I do them I notice a vast improvement. Walking, art and journaling are my top three. Talking to someone helps if I can get to a point where I can voice how I'm feeling, if not that's where the jounaling comes in  ;)

Online Tolvo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1593 on: December 22, 2018, 06:32:32 AM »
Yeah distractions can be very useful in the moment, and relaxation is good, but if you're using it to substitute your life or become obsessed it can be a problem. It's important to work on healthy coping mechanisms and finding ways to express our emotions and talk about them(Typically with a therapist).

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1594 on: December 22, 2018, 09:30:41 AM »
Hey thanks Rhedyn.

On a more positive note, what seems to help your mood when you're stuck in a rut? Video games work for me sometimes, or just taking some time to slow down and focus on a simple task that just empties my mind. Also being able to vent is good too, having a friend you can let your guard down with and talk does wonders.

Distractions are very good in the moment (particularly during those 2am times when you can't sleep and your mind just won't shut up) but, as the others have said, they treat the symptom, not the disease.  Some psychologists recommend regular exercise but, for me, I've found that that is something of a mixed bag.  Yes, when I actually am exercising, the adrenaline serves as a mood-booster, but the moment I stopped, and the adrenaline stopped, the depression came flooding back.

Ultimately, I think, the best cure for the existential crisis of depression is to make deep, quality connections with people around you.  Like it or not, humans are, biologically, social creatures; we need each other to be emotionally fulfilled.  Unfortunately, in today's modern society, the emphasis is put entirely on the individual, and individual achievement and accomplishment.  We are becoming increasingly more isolated from each other, even as technology makes it easier to communicate.

Offline Giantmutantcrab

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1595 on: December 26, 2018, 06:36:19 AM »
As for my philosophical two cents...

Deciding to change is difficult. As human beings, we get used to what is around us. What is, and what happens around us becomes our normality. To willfully look at oneself and say "okay, these things are going to change" does not come lightly. Inertia is a powerful force, but it is not inescapable. Day one is the most difficult. Because it's new. Then, Day two is a little bit better. Day three, etc.

To get out of a mental rut, a simple trick. Bring your hand up at eye level. Touch your index with your thumb. Then, middle finger. Then ring finger. Then pinky.

Repeat. Take your time, no rush.

Then, breathe in while you touch each finger in turn. Then, breathe out.

When you're well-paced, slow your breath down a little more. Try two "cycles" of breathing in, two "cycles" of breathing out.

Etc, etc.

Control your breath, control your actions, control your thougths, control your self.

Offline isabo Hendrix

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1596 on: December 29, 2018, 02:26:13 AM »
Yeah depression sucks, most people don't even know even know that there are different types.
And most days it feels like a wet blanket or a cloud hanging over your head. Most days you don't even wanna get out of bed, just feel so tried even though you've slept .

I've always dealt with mine by trying to remind myself of the postive things I have. Role play being one of them. And also listening to music . though yea it's quiet a struggle sometimes.
It's odd to see a forum for it But also kinda neat

Offline Hatchet

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1597 on: December 31, 2018, 02:04:09 AM »
I had an interesting moment with my depression several months ago.

My mother and therapist recommend me not to listen to sad music or 'emo,' which is something I really enjoy if you take a look at all the song inspirations I use for my characters. Normally they invoke a feeling of stress or sadness, and yes sometimes these songs do but when I listened to a specific artist months ago, I didn't get that feeling.

Instead I just sat there in awe because I felt like someone actually felt this depression and anxiety like I did. My mom was always like 'no, I feel it to, I get it just as much as you do' but in reality I think everyone experiences their depression differently for the most part. The feeling that someone else seemed to understand through the music I listened to was enough to make me feel less depressed and anxious. I didn't feel like a freak and I didn't feel alone as much.

Offline Oniya

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1598 on: December 31, 2018, 02:21:42 AM »
Instead I just sat there in awe because I felt like someone actually felt this depression and anxiety like I did. [snip] I didn't feel like a freak and I didn't feel alone as much.

These two sentences.  I'm old enough to remember 'mix tapes', and there were many times that I'd hear a song and get that feeling of 'YES!  Someone gets it!'  Sometimes they were happy songs - sometimes they were 'fight' songs - sometimes they were sad songs.  Those tapes got me through so many rough patches.

'Funny thing
But you can sing
It with a cry in your voice

And before you know
You start to feeling good.
You simply got no choice.'

'So turn 'em on
Turn 'em on
Turn on those sad songs
When our hope is gone
You know that sad songs say so much.'

'I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on, too
And made it through.'


(And now you have seen the darkest depths of my musical heart.... ;) )

Offline Hatchet

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1599 on: December 31, 2018, 09:45:50 AM »
Hey Oni...

What's a mix tape? >.>

Anyway, its just a nice feeling to feel that you're not alone, even if the artist doesn't really get it though I'm pretty sure Tyler Joseph does, it just helps to connect in a way you feel that is valuable.