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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 197489 times)

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Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1650 on: August 03, 2019, 06:25:23 PM »

I find it hard talking openly with people IRL so it would be hard talking to a therapist for me. I've been wanting to give it a try though.

Sometimes people find it much easier to talk to a therapist than friends, family or co-workers. Therapists are trained to listen, and understand how to interact with patients in a way that works for each person. Other people, not so much.

I've found this to be true more often than not. And therapists won't gossip secrets away. With chat based converations too, I tend to spin in circles, never getting to the roots of issues that affect me. Since depression can be so debiliating, for me its best to get the best help I can.

Wishing you lots of luck in whatever you decide to do!

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1651 on: August 11, 2019, 08:35:19 PM »
Sometimes when absolutely nothing is wrong, everything can still feel tight, constricted, and impossible.

Offline Zenkai

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1652 on: August 23, 2019, 10:45:29 AM »
Just staring at the screen, wondering if there is something important in there. A cure for the loneliness that crept in and embraced me tighter than any lover ever did? A reason to keep my fingers moving? The sweet sound of keys sinking down and popping back up, like warm rain on a tin roof.

...no. The reason is just trying to stay here, anchored somewhere where there might be someone for me. Shall I indulge in self-deception and pretend that it could happen? Watch the cursor shamble along, leaving inky black indistinct shapes that might be letters or long-putrefied tears. Good cursor. Want a cookie?

Crawling back out into the light has never been this hard. I've done it too many times already. A greater part of me wants me to stay curled up and unresponsive. It doesn't want me to pick up that mask. Not to mention walking around with that fake smile. Obligation, duty, whatever, it just wants to stay curled up staring through closed eyes at nothing.

I kick it. Get up, work is waiting.

It curls up and closes its eyes even more tightly without answering me. All the leaves have already fallen, all the autumns have already become winters. I know it is more afraid than tired by now. Fear explodes into rage, rage condenses into regret, regret freezes into stupor and limp, endless fatigue that makes one ball up.

Keeping my eyes without tears has never been so hard. The mask suffocates me. The world is so far from me, I can barely feel it. The distance makes me scared. The fear is ready to flare up...

I am afraid of myself.

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1653 on: August 23, 2019, 01:25:26 PM »
I'm not sure if this is appropriate to say, but that was beautiful, Zenkai.

Thank you for sharing.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1654 on: August 24, 2019, 05:53:28 AM »
Just staring at the screen, wondering if there is something important in there. A cure for the loneliness that crept in and embraced me tighter than any lover ever did? A reason to keep my fingers moving? The sweet sound of keys sinking down and popping back up, like warm rain on a tin roof.

...no. The reason is just trying to stay here, anchored somewhere where there might be someone for me. Shall I indulge in self-deception and pretend that it could happen? Watch the cursor shamble along, leaving inky black indistinct shapes that might be letters or long-putrefied tears. Good cursor. Want a cookie?

Crawling back out into the light has never been this hard. I've done it too many times already. A greater part of me wants me to stay curled up and unresponsive. It doesn't want me to pick up that mask. Not to mention walking around with that fake smile. Obligation, duty, whatever, it just wants to stay curled up staring through closed eyes at nothing.

I kick it. Get up, work is waiting.

It curls up and closes its eyes even more tightly without answering me. All the leaves have already fallen, all the autumns have already become winters. I know it is more afraid than tired by now. Fear explodes into rage, rage condenses into regret, regret freezes into stupor and limp, endless fatigue that makes one ball up.

Keeping my eyes without tears has never been so hard. The mask suffocates me. The world is so far from me, I can barely feel it. The distance makes me scared. The fear is ready to flare up...

I am afraid of myself.

Love that Zenkai

I just don't think I am afraid of myself...I am more afraid of how others see me. 

How I have lived my life for so long trying to be something other than what I am...Now that I have been on this planet for a damned half a century I have come to realized...

I don't even know who I am.  And I despise this hapless aimless thing I have become....

Yes...sometimes going to a therapist...yeah it helps.  Sometimes...NOT!  I do say find what works for you.

Don't give up...there is always tomorrow.  Strive to live just one more day, there is hope out there!!!

Sometimes it is easier to cope when you know your purpose!  Sometimes that purpose is just to give hope to others when you least expect it.

Despite how you think or how you feel...if you were no longer here...you would be missed by someone....several someones!!!

Thanks one and all for share those parts of you, that you do with the rest of us.

Offline Oniya

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1655 on: August 24, 2019, 12:40:17 PM »
A reminder - if one particular therapist doesn't work, look for another one.

Offline Zenkai

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1656 on: August 28, 2019, 10:49:39 PM »
There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)

That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

Offline Dallas

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1657 on: September 09, 2019, 01:26:26 AM »
In my experience, there is no greater pain than isolation.

Offline Superfly47

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1658 on: September 11, 2019, 10:10:41 AM »
There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)

That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

Good that you're feeling better.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1659 on: September 11, 2019, 10:21:10 AM »
There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)


Im very glad, you feel more better, too. :-)
That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1660 on: September 11, 2019, 10:51:37 AM »
I mean, to write above, I’m very glad, you feel more better, too. :-)

Offline AcademicCuriosity9110

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1661 on: Yesterday at 03:08:20 PM »
So this is something I've been wanting to talk about here for some time. It's sensitive material, so I've spoiler tagged it below.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide
My Story
[/u][/i][/b]
Some context first. I've suffered from clinical depression for almost my whole life, since I was seven, when I first had a plan to kill myself. I've tried probably five or six times since. I was on medication for several years before going off it. I managed alright for several years

I got back on it in mid-2018, but went off them a couple months later. In August, I went on a leave of absence from my job, and was formally terminated on Halloween. In mid-December, I lost hope and tried swallowing a couple of bottles of pills. I survived without medical intervention. Shortly after, I lost the room I was renting in mid-December, and was only saved from homelessness by the mercy of my brother. I was living in his garage.

In March, I finally got a job interview. I didn't get the job, and that broke me. I gave up. I was tired of fighting, of struggling, of getting knocked down every time things had started to look up.

For a week and a half, I planned, I rehearsed, I worked out the text I would send my family.

On March 23rd, 2019, I took my brother's Glock, loaded it, called 911 (I wanted to make sure I died in either the ambulance or hospital to make sure my organs were fresh enough for donation), sent a suicide text to my family and friends, and shot myself in the neck, front to back.

For the first couple days in the hospital, I was mostly just pissed I'd failed. But after that, I was glad I'd survived. I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital to get back on meds, and afterwards relocated to a different city and found a program that could guarantee me access to the resources I need to get my life in order.

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1662 on: Yesterday at 03:17:06 PM »
AcademicCuriosity:

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

I don't know what to say except I'm glad you're alright. I hope the program helps in the ways you need it to and that life gets easier and better for you.

While you're alive you have choices and options for life to go in different and better directions.


Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1663 on: Yesterday at 03:42:44 PM »
Thank you for sharing your story with us, AcademicCuriosity.  For what it's worth, I think that it must have taken a lot of courage to do so.

Offline AcademicCuriosity9110

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #1664 on: Yesterday at 05:00:46 PM »
AcademicCuriosity:

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

I don't know what to say except I'm glad you're alright. I hope the program helps in the ways you need it to and that life gets easier and better for you.

While you're alive you have choices and options for life to go in different and better directions.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, AcademicCuriosity.  For what it's worth, I think that it must have taken a lot of courage to do so.

Thank you both for your support.  It's gotten easier with time to share. It was a long time before I could even talk about the details with my family, and several of my counseling sessions have been focused on it.