You are either not logged in or not registered with our community. Click here to register.
 
December 03, 2016, 01:54:25 PM

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

Click here if you are having problems.
Default Wide Screen Beige Lilac Rainbow Black & Blue October Send us your theme!

Hark!  The Herald!
Holiday Issue 2016

Wiki Blogs Dicebot

Author Topic: Something we all should learn  (Read 1485 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Something we all should learn
« on: December 03, 2011, 01:02:37 AM »
I was off web-surfing today, and came across this article.  It's primarily directed at women, but the more I read it, the more I saw that it could - and probably should apply to everyone.  I see the behavior she talks about every day, on and off line, because somehow people have lost sight of How to Receive a Compliment.

Offline Jacqueline

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2011, 04:48:47 AM »
It's a lovely article Oniya, thanks for sharing it!

Offline Capone

  • No rest for the wicked. Even if I am jollier than the average demon.
  • Knight
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Location: Gates of Hell
  • Gender: Male
  • Angels in agony are pretty much my slow jams.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2011, 06:25:15 AM »
That last point reminds me of another article I've read, though I can't find it right now. I think it was from Huffington Post, but it was written by a woman suggesting that we stop complimenting little girls on their appearance first, and instead acknowledge their personality.

The anecdote she brought about was going to see a friend's daughter who enjoyed reading. Her first impulse was to sit down and tell the girl how beautiful or adorable she looked, but instead talked about the book the young girl was reading, that the article's author was a writer, and several things along that train of thought. The girl was enthused because very rarely did people talk to her about reading and writing. The idea is that young girls, be they toddlers or children and even growing up, hear about their appearance first, and thus get the impression that it is the most important thing about them (even if it is a subconscious thought or belief).

I've been trying to implement this myself, but it's hard. I already thrashed about when my Aunt bought my niece a kitchen set when she was three years old (how about a play-CEO-desk, dang it!), and trying to talk to my niece about how well she reads, writes and draws is nearly impossible to make a difference. We go to her dance recitals, and when it is all done everyone says "You looked so cute up there!" rather than "You did your routine so well! You're a good dancer!"

Boys don't necessarily get this sort of treatment, and even if they do, it's still colored differently. The only sort of physical discussion about my friend's 9-or-10 month old is that he's a pretty hefty size. I myself have picked him up and joked about how the poor lad has Richard Nixon chin. But as he gets older I imagine this will stop, as I've always seen people ask my younger male cousins things like what they're playing, how school has been, and how much they've grown. And it's not "My, you've grown to be so handsome!". Not until they're a teenager at least (and I remember the first time my grand-mom gave me such a compliment it caught me off guard). When they see my niece? "You've grown, and look at your beautiful hair! Oh my, you're so cute/beautiful!"

I'm sorry, all this time I've spent blabbing on the topic I could have been finding the article instead.

*Googles*

Actually, I didn't realize the article you linked was not only the same website, but the same author. Here is the article I was referencing. I imagine she's more eloquent and concise about the point than I am.

Though, to the article you had linked, I found it a bit interesting in the detail gone through. Aside from something like never really noticing eye-lashes anyway, and the only time I even recall noticing a woman's eyebrows is 1) when they look like Hermione Granger's, or 2) are so thin they look stenciled on, I've noticed women tend to pick things out in a lot more detail. Sitting with my roommates while at College, we'd often be watching TV and simply say something along the lines of "I'd hit it". Yes, it's still crude and debasing, and it turns out I like more meat on a woman than my roommates, but for the most part there was very little none of us wouldn't "hit". My friend's now-wife sits down while we're watching The Producers (the newer one), we all see Uma Thurman, the men go "I'd hit it", and she starts to go to great lengths to detail how Uma Thurman is a "but-her-face". I mean, I always thought Uma Thurman had a funky nose, but evidently she's got about ten-thousand things wrong with her?

I started paying more attention to hearing women talk about other women after that, and be it girls watching TV or other girls they know, and it struck me pretty hard. I've NEVER heard men discuss a woman's physical appear to such great, and at times vicious, detail. I wonder if it's a reflection of how each gender is taught in terms of the importance of physical appearance. Men are labeled as being more visual, but the first thing people mention about us isn't our appearance.

I dunno. Just a lot of thoughts on the issue, especially now that I have a niece and have been forced into viewing the world in a much different manner.

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2011, 10:33:32 AM »
The article about talking to little girls is another one that I like (especially as the 'unbiased' parent of a very intelligent little girl ::)), but the bit about not really accepting compliments is something that I've seen a lot across the board.  Many people - men and women - respond to a compliment with that 'Thank you, but...'  I do it myself from time to time, but a lot less than I used to.

Offline Shjade

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2011, 10:38:20 AM »
Depends on the nature of the compliment.

Someone comments on how good I happen to look that day? Aw, shucks, thanks.  :-[

Someone gushes about how good the event sounded (my job)? Glad to hear you enjoyed it!  :D

Try to compliment me on my writing? That might trigger the Modesty Alert. >.>;

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2011, 10:57:13 AM »
Depends on the nature of the compliment.

Someone comments on how good I happen to look that day? Aw, shucks, thanks.  :-[

Someone gushes about how good the event sounded (my job)? Glad to hear you enjoyed it!  :D

Try to compliment me on my writing? That might trigger the Modesty Alert. >.>;

That's exactly what the article gets to.  With different people it's different topics.  All too often it is appearance, but it isn't limited to that by any means. 

Offline Chris Brady

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2011, 12:17:28 AM »
My usual response to the rare compliment I get is:  Why, thank you.

>.>

<.<

Did I mention I get them rarely?

 ;D

Offline Beguile's Mistress

  • Time flies like an arrow ~ Fruit flies like a banana ~ Elliquiy's Fair-E Godmother
  • Dame
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: Faeleacanvald ~ The Steeler Nation ~ Home of Lord Stanley's Cup 2016 ~ She won't stay throwed! ~ 48\22-5\1\11-5\7
  • Gender: Female
  • Perpetual Notion Machine ~ 'What if...?'
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2011, 12:26:58 AM »
It's sometimes hard to just say thank you when I get a compliment and I remind myself that the person paying it is trying to do something nice.  Who am I to deprive them of that pleasure?  To get myself past the the need to be deprecating at the time I make an effort to pay a sincere compliment in return or add that I appreciate them saying what they've said.

Offline Caeli

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2011, 12:40:38 AM »
It took me a long time to learn accept compliments graciously, especially when I didn't believe what was being complimented myself. I've definitely gotten better at accepting compliments about appearance and skills, though compliments on writing are still hard for me because I judge my writing very harshly, and I feel like there are so many people who write much better than I do.

I only skimmed this because I'm studying for finals right now, but I've Tinderized it for later reading. :)

Offline Torch

  • Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain/Trieste's sarcasm buddy
  • Suspended
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Jan 2009
  • Location: USA
  • Gender: Female
  • "Soul meets soul on lovers' lips." P.B. Shelley
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2011, 01:08:41 AM »
Accepting compliments gracefully and with tact is simply good manners, like keeping one's elbows off the table and sending thank-you notes for gifts.

Any other response implies the giver of the compliment is being insincere.

If I take the time to give you a compliment, and you respond by inferring that I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm going to be....well, insulted.

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2011, 01:16:37 AM »
Or, if not insulted, at least mildly put off.  I know I start thinking twice about offering 'happy thoughts' when they get rebuffed on a consistent basis.  :-\

Offline Caeli

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2011, 07:42:48 AM »
I think it's hard for a lot of people to accept compliments when they truly and sincerely do not believe that compliment. If someone tells a girl that she looks beautiful, but all she sees when she looks in the mirror is 'ugly', it's hard to say thank you even if she believed in the sincerity of the person giving her the compliment. I don't disagree with what you're saying about saying 'thank you' being good manners, but I can understand where the automatic response of "you're wrong"/"I'm ugly"/"I could lose a few pounds" comes from (if it's about appearance; this can similarly be applied to skills). These cases are certainly situations in which the receiver of the compliment should learn how to accept the compliment graciously, even if s/he does not believe it.

Speaking from my own experience, I have used "negative" responses because it's a politeness according to my cultural background. I was raised to respond to compliments with comments like, "Of course that's not true!" and "I have a long way to go," and other similar comments because it's considered bragging/boasting/arrogant to agree with a compliment. Similarly, if my mother receives a compliment about me ("Your daughter is doing so well in her classes/She's so smart/She has a lot of potential!") it would be considered bad form to say "Yes, I agree, she's so smart/beautiful/etc.!"; a more appropriate response might be something along the lines of, "She's not nearly as smart as [your son]/She makes mistakes all the time, though" and other similar sentiments that show that there is still progress to be made. Responding in this way shows the acknowledgment of the compliment humbly, and does not at all imply that the giver of the compliment is being insincere or facetious in any way.

Obviously, this explanation only fits a limited number of situations, but it was something I had to adapt to as I was growing up. Depending on who gives me the compliment, I respond in completely different ways.

Offline Capone

  • No rest for the wicked. Even if I am jollier than the average demon.
  • Knight
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Location: Gates of Hell
  • Gender: Male
  • Angels in agony are pretty much my slow jams.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2011, 07:53:39 AM »
Out of curiosity, Torch, how do you take it if someone responds to a compliment with a potentially self-deprecating joke?

When I had reunited with some old high school friends I hadn't seen in years, one of them said "You look so great!", and without missing a beat I smiled and said "You're a filthy liar. I got huge!" and went in for a hug. It's not the same as sighing, and saying "God, I look terrible" or something, but to you, would it still come off as considering the compliment insincere?

I'm also never sure how to compliment women I randomly see on the street or as hostess to a restaurant or something. Sometimes I see a woman whose clothing, hair style and accessories come together so well, but I've got it buried into my brain that if a husky fellow with a five o'clock shadow tries to pay them a compliment they're going to scream "Rape".

Offline Anjasa

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2011, 07:57:17 AM »
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html was the one about how to compliment little girls.

And yea, I usually say 'Thanks!'

Or, like, if it's about my nails/clothes, I'll say thanks then go on to talk about where I got it or how I did it or whatever.

I've kind of come to accept that people see something else when they look at me and compliment my looks, so I don't feel they're lying or trying to be polite any more. I think that's what most people have to realize when being given a compliment: Not everything is about you and how you perceive yourself and the world.

Even when we're self depreciating we're egoists because we refuse to look through someone else's eyes because we must be right!

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2011, 10:55:37 AM »
Out of curiosity, Torch, how do you take it if someone responds to a compliment with a potentially self-deprecating joke?

When I had reunited with some old high school friends I hadn't seen in years, one of them said "You look so great!", and without missing a beat I smiled and said "You're a filthy liar. I got huge!" and went in for a hug. It's not the same as sighing, and saying "God, I look terrible" or something, but to you, would it still come off as considering the compliment insincere?

I'm also never sure how to compliment women I randomly see on the street or as hostess to a restaurant or something. Sometimes I see a woman whose clothing, hair style and accessories come together so well, but I've got it buried into my brain that if a husky fellow with a five o'clock shadow tries to pay them a compliment they're going to scream "Rape".

I know you directed that at Torch, but why not respond with 'Thanks, you look great too!'?  With that, you both accept the compliment, and (by returning with one) keep from looking like 'it's all about you'.  It's insidious, but the more you say something about yourself - even in a joking manner - the more it reinforces belief in what you're saying, sometimes even to yourself. 

As for complimenting a woman on the street, you're likely coming up against this same tendency that (as Caeli said) is culturally shoved down our throats.  It's not that your compliment is in bad form, necessarily, but that we're taught to either not accept it, or find some ulterior motive in it.   

Offline PocketWatch

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2011, 12:50:25 PM »
Agreed.

I'm not sure if my responses are that fantastic either even though I don't go 'no I look like shit today.' It's more along the line of 'I do don't I?' or 'I know, thanks.' followed by the person and me laughing with my reaction


Maybe I do it to lighten the pressure of getting the comment because I always feel it's really hard to give a compliment without giving off a fake vibe even though one means it.
And what if you get a compliment, do you always give one back or else they think 'what about me?'


Touchy subject.

Offline Beguile's Mistress

  • Time flies like an arrow ~ Fruit flies like a banana ~ Elliquiy's Fair-E Godmother
  • Dame
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: Faeleacanvald ~ The Steeler Nation ~ Home of Lord Stanley's Cup 2016 ~ She won't stay throwed! ~ 48\22-5\1\11-5\7
  • Gender: Female
  • Perpetual Notion Machine ~ 'What if...?'
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2011, 01:02:21 PM »
I've had strangers, both men and women, pay me random compliments about my perfume or hair or dress.  One man said he fell in love with my legs and another said my voice melted him.  I'd smile at first and reply with something neutral because it made me feel uncomfortable having it come from a stranger.  It's not so bad any more and I almost enjoy the compliments when they're respectful.

One of the sweetest compliments I ever got was from a little boy of about 4 or 5 who tugged on my jacket and when I looked at him he said:  "You're a pretty lady."  I think he was trying to flirt with me.  He was with his mom who was gorgeous and I thanked him and her and told her she had a most excellent little boy.

Offline Capone

  • No rest for the wicked. Even if I am jollier than the average demon.
  • Knight
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Location: Gates of Hell
  • Gender: Male
  • Angels in agony are pretty much my slow jams.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2011, 01:52:28 PM »
I'm not sure if my responses are that fantastic either even though I don't go 'no I look like shit today.' It's more along the line of 'I do don't I?' or 'I know, thanks.' followed by the person and me laughing with my reaction

I do this as well, though it's partly for the irony. I'll simply retort "I know, right? I'm a sexy beast" and grin, and it gets laughs.

One man said he fell in love with my legs and another said my voice melted him.  I'd smile at first and reply with something neutral because it made me feel uncomfortable having it come from a stranger.  It's not so bad any more and I almost enjoy the compliments when they're respectful.

Those aren't the sorts of comments I think to give. I usually think to compliment a woman that her outfit is really cute, or I think her nails or hair or something is really cool. Most of the time, though, the tone in someone's voice is "Right, okay, get the fuck away now" rather than the "Thank you" they say.

That little boy sounds adorable.

Offline Shjade

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2011, 02:22:01 PM »
Those aren't the sorts of comments I think to give. I usually think to compliment a woman that her outfit is really cute, or I think her nails or hair or something is really cool. Most of the time, though, the tone in someone's voice is "Right, okay, get the fuck away now" rather than the "Thank you" they say.

For some reason I would expect a more accepting/neutral response along the lines of "I bet he's gay" for something like that. Not because it's appropriate, but because that seems to be the default assumption when a guy compliments someone on anything related to fashion or personal grooming.

Offline Beguile's Mistress

  • Time flies like an arrow ~ Fruit flies like a banana ~ Elliquiy's Fair-E Godmother
  • Dame
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Location: Faeleacanvald ~ The Steeler Nation ~ Home of Lord Stanley's Cup 2016 ~ She won't stay throwed! ~ 48\22-5\1\11-5\7
  • Gender: Female
  • Perpetual Notion Machine ~ 'What if...?'
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2011, 02:31:08 PM »
I find that men are sensory and react to scents as much as looks and a lot of men notice legs.  I wear stockings and heels a lot because of my job as well as professional clothes like suits and business appropriate dresses.  Este Lauder's "Beautiful" mixes well with my chemistry and that scent gets noticed often by men. 

They also seem more comfortable make a stereotypical compliment about legs, perfume hair than commenting on clothes and maybe getting that confused with a comment about the body.  That's been my experience.  It's likely different with other people in other places.

Offline PocketWatch

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #20 on: December 05, 2011, 10:21:24 AM »
I do this as well, though it's partly for the irony. I'll simply retort "I know, right? I'm a sexy beast" and grin, and it gets laughs.

Hahahah shit I so need to say that next time.

Offline Chris Brady

Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2011, 06:24:37 PM »
One thing I'd like to bring up, at least pertaining on how to greet little girls (Or women in general), complimenting them on their appearance is not wrong.  It's when we focus on nothing else, but the appearance then it's a problem.  We are a visual species, we track by sight, we judge by sight, most of our tools require sight to function.  It's biology, and denying biology gets into some really weird, and potentially damaging situations.

So, compliment each other on how you look (both genders) just don't make it the only focus of the compliment (unless of course, that's all they got.)

After all, I'm a funny guy.  But looks aren't everything. ;)

Offline OniyaTopic starter

  • StoreHouse of Useless Trivia
  • Oracle
  • Carnite
  • *
  • Join Date: Sep 2008
  • Location: Just bouncing through. Hi! City of Roses, Pennsylvania
  • Gender: Female
  • One bad Motokifuka. Also cute and FLUFFY!
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 3
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2011, 06:42:12 PM »
One thing I'd like to bring up, at least pertaining on how to greet little girls (Or women in general), complimenting them on their appearance is not wrong.  It's when we focus on nothing else, but the appearance then it's a problem. 

Yes, definitely. 

Offline Capone

  • No rest for the wicked. Even if I am jollier than the average demon.
  • Knight
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Location: Gates of Hell
  • Gender: Male
  • Angels in agony are pretty much my slow jams.
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Something we all should learn
« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2011, 07:32:45 PM »
One thing I'd like to bring up, at least pertaining on how to greet little girls (Or women in general), complimenting them on their appearance is not wrong.  It's when we focus on nothing else, but the appearance then it's a problem.  We are a visual species, we track by sight, we judge by sight, most of our tools require sight to function.  It's biology, and denying biology gets into some really weird, and potentially damaging situations.

So, compliment each other on how you look (both genders) just don't make it the only focus of the compliment (unless of course, that's all they got.)

After all, I'm a funny guy.  But looks aren't everything. ;)

Typically the things that I compliment on are based around her choice of clothing or style, or something similar. I don't know if that is better or not, but I rarely find myself willing to compliment someone on beauty alone. Even so, it's kind of hard to say "Oh, you have a shining personality!" based on a brief glimpse of their appearance alone.