I'm not having the easiest time of it lately, either. Not quite the same, but maybe more just... Blah, neutral, where is this going anyway sort of time. I stick with gaming when I can, because the day to day stuff is just creeping along in odd meandering ways now. Even living in foreign places starts to feel predictable to me; I've done it before and I am feeling good at insulating myself from taking that more seriously (or more over-excitedly) than well, than I can handle at this point. Professionally and relationship wise, I am kind of looking around, trying to be cautious for a moment, and vaguely guessing at some next thing that isn't so likely to materialize soon. Probably not, at this rate. Is my own evasiveness making it worse, or is this the best response to some impossible situations that happened career wise and financially all at once? I don't know yet. I don't have better ideas yet and I'm a little tired. So I don't quite see where it's all going, either. And I'm pushing 40, if that matters to the scorecard. I don't feel it emotionally are even physically so much yet, but I know that as culture and aging go well, there are some limits creeping up there.
Jobwise and personally, I have had some amazing times every so often, in wonderful bursts... And now it's back to yeah, okay, at least this is kind of stable this moment...? Blah blah. But I poke at some pretty, rather fun things online that occupy me at least to my taste and look around a little, even just simply wait for a better time (more money, more settled, more healing time done) for the nicer hits to come along. I'm not thrilled on the whole, I miss a lot of feelings and comforts I used to have in various places... But it's enough, and I am still a recognizable form of me. Would I like to have a lot more? Yes. Do I have any clue if or when I'll get there, at this rate? I'm not too sure! Though I suspect there will be a few bursts of brilliance sooner or later yet, at least.
So a little similar... But I would suggest, even if you can't hold onto whole moments or years and whole relationships as much as you may wish, it's still perfectly good to keep some parts of them or notice the parts that appear in other things. I also think it's worthwhile recognizing where things have been mostly or fully beyond your control -- culturally, financially, socially, medically, what have you. Don't feel responsible for things you couldn't have easily anticipated or things you were never given resources to deal with by the people who claim to be authorities on such things. If this means you have been stepping back too, then so be it: Step back with dignity and take the time you need.
Also, there was a point when I asked a favorite mentor why all the beautiful things must so come to an end. She gave me the best answer I think we can hope for: So that maybe there can be other beautiful things coming afterward.
Death? I don't know if anyone actually "knows" (or gets to report) what it's like. It seems like for our purposes, it can be whatever makes it seem to fit for you. Sleep, dreams, heavens, rebirths, power switch off, whatever. If defining it makes some meaning you want, why not. People will come and go. Keep the meanings and feelings you want from them, too -- as much as you can, as long as you feel is right. Maybe everything in a way, is a little bit of dying and a little bit of rebirth. But you can choose some things to keep thinking on, types of things to try, ideas and feelings to hold onto or pursue more of.
