After talking to a person here on the site whoíll remain nameless and reading this topic, seeing as there are so many out there who went through something similar, I decided to also share my story.
As some of you already might know, I grew up in Malaysia. I had a great childhood with five older siblings, all brothers. So Iíve never really been shy around boys and such. Though when I turned 14 and all my friends started to talk about dating and such stuff, I noticed I wasnít really interested in boys. Instead I found myself more and more attracted to girls. For two years I struggled with myself as in the village I grew up, being gay was looked at the same as you killing someone. But realizing this is who I was, that I liked girls, in particular was in love with my best friend who also happened to be one of the most popular girls in school, decided to make a great spectacle out of telling people how I felt. After all I Ďve always been a sucker for romantic movies and thought that perhaps if I made a big show when declaring my love for her, everything would turn out okay. You know itís like you realize your life isnít a movie and such but you still hope to get to that happy ending.
So I decided to use my birthday as the perfect time to come out. Most of my family and all of my friends would be together and such would be the perfect moment. Well I can tell you I think my 16th birthday party has been the party thatís been talked about the most in town. Sadly not in the way I liked it. From the moment I declared I was a lesbian and in love with my best friend, I became an outcast. My so called friends didnít talk to me anymore, in town everybody turned away from me if I passed by and my own family. The one group of people that normally should have your back no matter what acted as if I died that moment. Iím going to spare you all the details but for a month it was as if I was a ghost walking amongst people. Trust me that is a feeling you never ever want to experience.
The only person to stick by me was my dad. He also realized that he had to make a choice, either stick by me and see his marriage fail and lose all of his friends or treat me the same as everyone else. He chose to do the first and called his friend who lived in the UK. They had always been as close as brothers before the friend moved to UK. And when he had started his own business he had told my dad if he or one of his sons ever needed a job there, he should call and ask for it. So my dad did, explained the situation and his friend helped us with everything.
A month and two weeks after me coming out, we were on a plain to the UK. He had a work permit and I a student permit (all thanks to some well-placed local bribes). Here our new lives could start as he had a job and I had been accepted as a transfer student to an international high school. Off course there were a few issues for me. My English wasnít that great. I mean I could make myself understandable and when people talked to me I understood most of it. My reading and writing however was horrible as the same could be said about my math. As this wasnít an uncommon thing, the school had teachers that volunteered to help students catch up on these things after school.
Also when I first arrived at the school and was asked to introduce myself, I told everyone I was a lesbian. My dad had kept telling me that I should do this, after all this was who I was and then I wouldnít have to worry about making friend who later would disappear on me again. And he was right. Some people didnít like that about me but most just accepted me for who I was. So life became good, I had some good friends, found a local club where I could continue practicing Wushu and had teachers helping me out. I even can be called happy at that time. After all a new life had begun for me and it looked so good.
Sadly enough Tuesday 11 december 2007 that happiness was taken away. Normally after school, the teacher helping me with my math and English would come over around 7pm until 9pm. Some occasions I went to his house and he would teach me there. Normally he should have come over but he called and said when going home after school, he had sprained his ankle and couldnít move so well and asked if I could come over. Thinking nothing off it as I have sprained my ankle several times I just went to his house. The thing is normally his wife was there, or at least his baby son was there while his wife was gone to work. Now both werenít there and when I asked about it, he just said she was gone to see her mother as she wasnít feeling to well and had taken the baby with her.
Again this should have been a warning but again I didnít really think about it. Why would I, he was my teacher and I had been in his house before. Though what really got me suspicious was that normally when I would arrive, he would have his books out and ready. This time they werenít. So when I asked about he just said he was going to give me a special lesson before closing the distance between us. Off course I realized what was happening and tried to resist.
Now I do Wushu and at practice had even once taken down a full grown man by accident. But Iím also small of posture and skinny so my strength has never been that great. So when he grabbed me, all I could do was try to break free from his grip. I managed to get in some elbows and kicks but when he smacked me against the head several times and burst my lip, I stopped fighting him. Why? I was scared to death and hurting and just wanted him to stop hitting me.
Though I tried to fight him once again when he tried to pull down my underwear, determined a few blows to the head wouldnít stop me. After all I was still a virgin and didnít want to lose it like this. In the end I gave up when he started to choke me as I was terrified that if I kept on fighting he would just kill me. And even though the rape itself lasted no more than five minutes, it still felt like those five minutes lasted forever. When he was done, he just threw my pants back at me and told me that if I ever told anyone about this, he would make sure I would be on the next plane back to Malaysia.
My luck at that time, or bad luck depending on how you look at it, was my dad working evening shifts. So he didnít see the state I was in or that I was back home way earlier than normal. Scared to death that my teacher had the power to send me back, I know naÔve of me but at that time I truly believed it, I played my head injuries off as practice going wrong. It wasnít until he asked me what was bothering me, as I had been acting very strange, a month later that I finally told him what had happened.
He then took me to the cops and to the schools administrator and told them about what happened to me. I would never forget the reactions of them. The police told my dad that if what I was telling was true, I had waited too long to report it. Not to mention they had doubts that my teacher, who was an upstanding member of the community, would do such a thing and this looked more like an attempt of some Asian immigrant in trying to get rich by claiming to be raped and hoping to get a big pay out in court. But this wasnít America so I shouldnít think it was that easy. The schoolís reaction was that they also didnít believe me. They just thought it was me making up lies in an attempt to hide that I wasnít learning things as fast as I should and that my teacher would never do such a thing as he had been a teacher for such a long time and never had there been one complaint about him. Instead I should count myself lucky to get his help. (These things are the very good and brushed up version of the things they actually said but this is what it came down to.)
Off course rumors spread and for the second time in my life I became an social outcast. Only two other people, two of my classmates and to this day best friends believed me. The rest gave me those cold looks. No longer able to take see those dead eyes stare at me, I broke down completely. I didnít talk to anyone, didnít leave me room except to use the bathroom and maybe eat from time to time. Also didnít sleep a lot and well thought it would be better if I just didnít exist anymore.
My dad with the help of one of my friends mother took me to a therapist. The first session my dad sat in and explained what had happened back in Malaysia and what had happened now, and talked about my hobbies and things I liked before leaving me alone with him. That first session and the two there after I just remember me sitting there, not saying a thing while he just talked about daily life, stuff that was in the newspaper and things he had been doing.
The fourth session is actually also the reason Iím on this site right now as he suggested we should do a story together. He explained that he did roleplaying games with his old college buddies and knowing that I liked to read fantasy novels he suggested we together created a story of our own and created our own characters who we would play like. As he explained how this would work and how I had to think of me as that character and feel as how that character would feel, I got interested in it. After all he sounded so exciting and made it sound like a very fun thing to do, I started to write with him.
Itís this that helped me open up again a little to my friends as they would also write with me. And well they knew that if I made it so my character was hungry, I was hungry and kinda communicated that way before talking to them again.
Though what really helped me was another girl of my class that an half year after me, was also raped by the same teacher. Only this time he was caught by his wife coming home early. Off course now suddenly everyone believed me and were all apologetic and such. But I didnít really care about that. On the advice of my therapist, I went to the other girl that the teacher had been raping and talked to her. It is this what has helped me the most, knowing I wasnít alone. Knowing there was someone else out there who knew how I felt.
I also think we helped each other through it. Even now that she has moved to live in Dublin, we still keep in touch and still think of her as a sister. Sure it still isnít easy and the first few times someone I didnít know tried to touch me had me freaking out. But I can say that I no longer hide myself and after finishing high school, I even worked as a waitress for almost four years before. Okay that wasnít easy, especially not in the beginning and there have been times drinks have ended up in peoples laps and once a wrist might accidentally be broken when a man tried to move his hand under my skirt. Something I only started wearing again after I got the job as waitress and I had to wear it. After all I was scared that if I showed to much skin or looked to cute I might end up having another experience like that. However now Iím comfortable again wearing skirts, dresses and a bit more revealing clothes. After all I realize now at that time I was wearing a sweater and jeans and it still didn't stop him from raping me. So I keep telling myself it doesn't matter what clothes you wear, just make sure you think you look cute in it and you feel comfortable wearing them. And for me this helps.
And while Iím happy now and have good friends taking care of me and I can say I enjoy myself again, there are still days I just donít want anyone near me and have to push myself to get out of bed and be the happy jolly person people are used to see. Itís those days that are the worst for me as if anyone then even touches me, I either end up freaking out and turning into a sobbing wreck after calming down or get so sick that I canít hold anything down.
As those days no longer outweigh the good ones, I recently started to think about dating again. Donít know if Iím ready for it and how I really will react when someone will become more intimate. So weíll just see how that goes and take it one step at a time. But I also know that I canít let this control my life and have to try to make the best out of it. Iíve been given a second chance by coming here and I donít want to lose that chance. And I like to think a few good things came out of all this mess. I made three awesome friends, one who is even more like a sister than just a friend. And it got me into role playing and that had me ending up here. Having me meet a group of fantastic people so far and more to come in the future.
Those that wonder what happened to the teacher: he got arrested, had his teachers license taken away and was sentenced to jail for a long long time.
And well thatís all I wanted to say. So thank you for reading my story and if there are people who want to talk or have questions, feel free to pm me any time.