It's all right. :) If you want to share, by all means, please do
Thank you Zillah, and thank everyone that has shared their empowering and heart breaking stories.
Being a survivor, is not as easy as people want to make it out to be. Every morning, it is a hard task, and every night, it is the same. Just to wake up, or go to sleep, and whisper to yourself 'I'm a survivor, it wasn't my fault, they did it, they were stupid and selfish, it wasn't my fault.
'. It's not ok, and it will take a long time before it is. It's going to be something that will effect the rest of your life. For me, I only experienced on 'instance' of rape, but it lasted over the course of a few weeks. The other instance, of something life changing, was actually a molestation when I was 13.
People may say 'molestation is nowhere near as bad as rape', I simply state it's subjective on the person. I spent an entire summer, being molested. I was never vaginally raped, or anally, but the things he did to me made me wish I had been. Always, while he forced me to do these things, he whispered how much he loved me. He'd tell me how good I was. It's why I can't stand men talking to me in sex, I can't stand them whispering how much they love me, and how good it is. I need to know them for awhile now, before it settles into my brain, and doesn't trigger anything.
I'm not going into much detail on this, because I was quite young when it happened. I was only 13, and my body forced me to forget most of it... when I moved away from him. I started a new life in a new school. Completely unaware of my past.
When I was seventeen, I started to get some memories back. They came in flashes, and freaked me out. Finally, I fully understood what had happened. I entered my Junior year of High School, got a creative writing class. The teacher asked us to write a story, a writing prompt if you would. Could be as long or as short as we wanted. But it needed to be about what made us into the people we were today.
So I wrote about my life story, how I was raised, and all I had been through up till that point. The teacher called me up after class, and said he needed to see me after school. When I showed up he said "Is all of this true" and I nodded, told him he was. Then he uttered the line that still chills me to the bone. "You're perfect, drops your pants and bend over the desk."... He grabbed my wrist and slammed it down on the desk.
He told me there was no getting away, he had locked the door... no one would hear me scream. Then he said... one thing... that made me stop fighting. "If you don't do whatever I tell you, your sister will lose her star slot in the Choir."... I couldn't fight against him, the one large weakness I have is threatening my siblings. It took me a long time, to be able to fight back against all that. Then he did it, he came up behind me, and took it away from me.
Mind you, at this point of being seventeen I had just started having my period. I had no figure at all. There was 2x4's who were hotter then me.
I spent an entire three weeks, dealing with all of it. The pain, the shame, the humiliation. Trying to get someone to listen to me, trying to get my voice heard. I was told the same thing, that I was just lashing out. That I was lying. He'd punish me for it too, and sometimes he'd taunt me about not being heard.
No, my story is not as traumatic as others. But let's face it, it's all based on how the person reacts to it. The simple fact of the matter was, in both of my instances the person got away with it because of the society around me. The society that says "Tell us if something like this is happening"... And then when the person comes forward, they call them a liar. Say they are acting out, that the person they are accusing is too nice of a person.
Rape is not right, no matter if it's just molestation or rape. You have the right to say no. It will be a battle every single day, and you may have permanent long lasting damage. But you need to make the choice to continue onward. You make the choice to trust and love. If a man/woman truly loves you, they will give you time. They will sit and hold you, listen as you cry. They will help you get over it, to the best of their ability. Just remember, you are not alone. There are others out there, with quieted voices.... asking the same thingHow do I survive?