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Author Topic: Super Guide to Super Suicide  (Read 981 times)

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Offline parapluTopic starter

Super Guide to Super Suicide
« on: November 20, 2010, 12:54:53 AM »
Super Guide to Super Suicide

Dear reader, because you've picked up this article, I assume you are interested in ending your life. That is totally swell with me. I'm not here to talk you out of it, I'm here to help you commit suicide the right way.

Now of course you know that your suicide is going to leave a big impression on your family and (if you have any) friends; they may never really recover. A lot of people who vaguely knew you or were in the same school, or street, may be shocked too and perhaps a few sympathisers from far away. But those people will be over it in a week or two. Is this what you want? What will your suicide mean to the world if almost nobody is going to remember it?

Statistics show that in 2005, within the United States, there have been 32,637 individuals to commit suicide. Around the world, a suicide happens every 16 seconds. How is your story going to jump out? If suicide becomes a statistic, with nothing but a small article in the local paper to tell us it happened, it is not spectacular. Certainly hanging yourself in your room may seem like a pretty terrifying idea at the time and cutting your wrists in bath will make your family never take one again, but won't your story be way bigger if you hang yourself on a traffic light where everyone can see it, or bleed to death in a public pool? Now that's starting to sound like something!

Ideas may start flowing through your brain right now, but we're not quite there yet. So lay down your knives and ropes. We're going to cover a couple different aspects to committing a successful suicide.

The Reason

Everyone should have a reason to commit suicide; unless it is an accidental suicide, but you wouldn't need a guide for that. You want to connect your actual suicide to that reason; give your exit a theme.

A big one is emotional pain or depression. A famous cause of emotional pain is the love interest... Who has broken up with you, or maybe you didn't even get that far. Either way, her rejection hurt so much you can no longer deal with it. Yet, you don't just want to rid yourself of this pain; you want to let your loved one know what you felt, before and after the rejection. You want to plaster it to her wall, you want to crucify yourself in her room while she's sleeping.

Alternatively, you could swallow a highly explosive device, push the remote trigger after saying your goodbye and take that no-good-cheating-slut with you. Send your boss your head per express. Drink acid during chemistry class or wrap yourself in a deadly, yet homo-erotic manner around Jesus Christ's statue on Saturday night.

While emotional reasons are swell, logic-based reasons are also popular. Protest against a movement has been a big reason for suicide in the past. Sometimes people commit suicide to escape worse fates, or their shame. Among many historic figures, Hitler (for example) committed suicide. These actions are always made as statements, so carry more power than others. However this also means that going over-the-top with suicide for logical reasons may have an undesired effect.

Drugs and alcohol can influence one's decision to commit suicide. Impulsive behaviour under the influence can stretch to extreme ends. This doesn't necessarily mean that giving your uncle a beer and a knife will leave a blood mess on your couch (Please don't quote me on that; shit happens.), but if you easily get depressed or 'real funny' from drinking, you might want to consider emptying out your fridge and having a couple sober friends around whenever you go bar-hopping. Unlike most things, killing yourself won't be half as funny or meaningful when drunk.

Methods to Commit Suicide

There are many ways to take your own lives, you can do pretty much anything. I know someone who took her own life with the help of nothing but a paperclip and a picture of her ex-boyfriend. She McGyvered that shit. However not everyone is that creative, so here are a few ones to think about.

An old classic is hanging oneself. All you need is a rope and something stable to tie it up to. It is easy to do and very cheap too. Another popular method is shooting yourself with bullets from a gun. If you live in the States it is relatively easy to get hold of a gun too. Poison is another common way of taking your own life and should be easy to get hold of it. Many household items are lethal when consumed.

If you would want to make your suicide more shocking, you could electrocute yourself. This is especially effective if you have a heart condition, and if you fail dying the first time, chances are you'll have a heart condition afterward.  Jumping from height is another surefire way to say goodbye; which is why, although it accounts for less than 2% of suicides in America, it is a very popular method in many Asian countries.

Drowning yourself is a hard way to die. Filling the bath-tub isn't too hard, but when you're running out of breath your survival instincts will kick in. Suffocation fucks with your mind and can be equally difficult without an exit-bag (Google it). 

Starvation and dehydration are methods that take a lot of willpower and patience. However, they fulfill a very symbolic function and, should you starve yourself for a reason, it is easy to lure in the media and get a lot of attention. Another good way to get a point across is by burning yourself to death. Who doesn't want to become the next Thích Quảng Đức? (Don't sweat the pronunciation.)

If you're feeling a little oriental, perhaps you're a weeaboo (Hey, I don't know who reads this guide.) you might want to Seppuku. You may have to arrange a wakizashi (short sword) and a kimono (traditional robe). Also, instead of a farewell note, you'll have to write a poem about your death (use your sense of rhyme and you'll be fine). The idea is to stab yourself in your abdomen and cut from left to right. If you're still alive, make a second slightly upward cut. If you really want the full package; get a friend to almost behead you afterward, without having your face roll over the floor.

Suicide by vehicular impact is effective in that it traumatises, maims or kills at least one person. Besides getting hit by a car, you can also use your own to commit suicide. You can park your car on the railway quite nicely, because trains have really bad breaks. It is also a sight to behold, crashing into a train, which brings me to...

Explosions. Explosions are an awesome way to go. Blow something up, do massive damage to your area, the whole shebang. Make sure to video-tape it too, albeit from a distance so the camera doesn't get caught in the blast. You're likely to become an internet sensation real fast if you do. Technically speaking, it is a little harder, but materials for a bomb can be bought without awkward questions and instructions on how to construct them can be found online. So if you're a bit handy, can calculate a bit of distance and want to go out with a bit of a bang, explosions might just be the way for you!

The Method You Want

Most suicides in the states are committed through the use of fire-arms, whereas in Hong Kong it is most popular to jump off a building. Both methods are excellent ways to schedule a meeting with your maker, but which one has more impact on your surroundings?

The Chinese have obviously picked the more memorable method. Imagine that you're coming home late. Maybe you've had to work overtime again or maybe you've been crying in a corner and lost track of time. In any case, you're tired, you're frustrated and suddenly trip over something! Coincidentally you shave off a part of your skin on the asphalt, so, conveniently you won't have to cut yourself tonight. However, that is not the point. As you look back, you see what you tripped over. It is a remainder of the body of a man! Yikes! That's a good scare! You run away in terror; leaving the corpse there to scare the living hell out of someone else. This man can cause multiple people a lifelong trauma in one, single night.

In short, you want maximum impact to go along with your reason.


So how do you commit suicide by jumping? It seems easy enough. Write your goodbye note, run away from home, enter a skyscraper and run up all the stairs. Or take the lift if you're lazy or a fat fuck. Once on the roof, you take a sprint to the edge and jump, yell "Allez oup!" and voila; suicide.

However, there's a lot of things here that can go wrong. First of all, you won't get into a skyscraper unless it is day. That means there will be people at work. If you take the lift up to the roof with your painted, black hair and running emo make-up while you're listening to SoaD for the last time; people are going to get suspicious. There are simple ways to avoid such suspicion. Comb your hair, pick out a nice blouse or sweater, wear your most casual, charming smile and put on a nice odor. You need to dress for success.

That, and elevators don't go to the roof.

You'll also want a water-proof excuse. If someone asks you why you're going to the roof, take a camera with you and tell them you want to make pictures of the view. If you tie a rope somewhere in public, tell people it is for an art-project. If you're nervous, try methods that don't have people ask. Fiddle with the camera in your hands or put up big, fake promotion signs. A lot of things go, as long as you make it look like something a lot of people would support.

Suicide is a scary thing you can't fully rehearse. I know you commit successful suicide only once, but it is really embarrassing to fail your first attempt. So it is in your best interest to prepare. Make sure the gun is loaded, don't tie yourself to a thin branch and, for Heaven's sake, don't set yourself on fire in the rain. 


You have picked your reason, your method and laid out your plans perfectly. Your gun is loaded, you found a good solid branch and checked the weather reports. Today is the day, you walk out whistling to the latest Fallout Boy, cocksure you're going to succeed.

If only it were that easy.

To help yourself, please try not to think of why you are doing what you do. Much like a job, you can actually commit suicide without too much thought about the how and why and still be good at it. Dispatch your emotional attachment to the task; it will only make it harder. Consider it a menial, physical task instead of a mental test. Don't be scared, just do it.


Now that we have covered the reasons, methods, preparation and execution, I hope you have gathered enough information to kill yourself successfully. No matter why and how you do it, I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you in hell.


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Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2010, 07:05:16 AM »
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.

~Dorothy Parker, 1925

Offline DudelRok

Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2010, 12:14:12 PM »
Okay, so oddly enough it was funny again after reading it the forth time.

So, time 1, 2 and 4 are the kickers.

...and that's an interesting poem, Lilias. O.o

Offline Oreo

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Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2010, 01:00:43 PM »
*applause* That was a good read, paraplu. I love dark, sarcastic humor. Thanks for sharing. Is there something wrong with me that a guide to suicide was funny? <_<

Offline parapluTopic starter

Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2010, 10:27:09 AM »
Hehe, that's another ironic take on the subject, Ilias. "Killing yourself sucks worse than living" Heh, that'd be a funny follow-up article.

I'm not sure how it skipped #3 then. Perhaps you were having a bad day? ;)

Thanks.And I'd say yes, but then again I'm the one who wrote it no, of course not, that is perfectly fine.

Offline CaringGuy

Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2010, 12:17:33 PM »
  I enjoyed this quite a bit, mostly due to the fact that I love twisted humor.  The concept is actually really funny and almost reminds of one of those Dr. Laura self-help books that you find scattered around the Barnes and Noble. 

  If I were to have any one complaint, it is simply that the satire works the most effectively when it doesn't seem forced.  There were a few instances where it felt like a joke was being rung out for the giggles, while many of the genuinely hysterical moments were lower played.  For example:

"Make sure the gun is loaded, don't tie yourself to a thin branch and, for Heaven's sake, don't set yourself on fire in the rain." 

  This is exactly the sort of line that you would find in a professional guide like this.  Mind you, I don't think there's very many out there about suicide, but you get my point.  That line made me giggle hysterically.  Every so often there would be a sentence that read more like a sarcastic teenager writing a blog post.  They were still amusing to be sure, but I think this concept works best when it seems to be 'one-hundred percent serious'.   Sure, it's obvious that the reader is in on the joke, but that doesn't mean that the tone has to be.

  But anywho, that's just my take.  I actually got a couple real laughs out of this, so on the whole, it works very well.

Offline parapluTopic starter

Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2010, 12:39:29 PM »
Interesting take, not one I've heard before. Then again, this is the first critical comment I've received on this piece so far, but hey, that'sa good thing; prevents my ego from inflating.

Anyway. My intention wasn't to write actual satire, it was moreso a project simply to entertain. I didn't try to copy any self-help book. Personally, I think the sarcastic teenager-moments help to refresh the story a bit, by giving it more variation. So many things can be such a drag to read through if its style is very similar and I have that same drag-feeling when writing... Because... You know... It is my own writing. Basically it is a weapon against boredom ;p

Still, thanks for the comment and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Offline CaringGuy

Re: Super Guide to Super Suicide
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2010, 12:44:16 PM »
Just in general I try my best to come up with any constructive criticism that I can muster from a reading.  As a writer myself, I've always wanted people to be politely blunt about what they believe could or could not use work, so I try to do the same for others as well.  With that said, I look forward to more of your special brand of twisted in the near future... if you choose to post or write it, of course.