*sighs* Another day gone, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Nada. Niente. I've been sitting behind my desk for the better part of eight hours and I am ashamed, and not in the least frustrated with the fact that I haven't achieved a single darn thing.
Now, if this was just about work I would shrug, smile a fake smile and get on with my life. But it isn't. I've noticed that I have spent the past months doing absolutely nothing of value. I read (which I do love, but rather as a chosen passtime than as a last resort), I spend way too much time idling away in this chatroom or the next, and I hang on the couch. I even hide behind sex, behind fantasies that can never be fulfilled. Do I have ideas? Sure. Do I have motivation. Oh yes. But none of that helps me in actually getting something on paper, on the screen, or on whichever media is most appropiate for the task at hand.
I hate this. I loathe this feeling of general uselessness. I need something that I can look at and be proud of (work is a wholly different matter..I get the job done, more or less, but I fail to see any achievement in it). I used to be able to write, and I have the documents to prove it. I used to be able to code (for those who don't know, I am a programmer). I used to be able to look at a problem and device a solution for it. But not this problem. Truth be told, I get tears in my eyes thinking of it, let alone writing it down. But I need to write it down, and perhaps someone of you wonderful people here has the Goddess-given ablity to reach out and pull me out of the self-destructive mire I have gotten myself in..