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Author Topic: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..  (Read 2916 times)

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Offline GothicFires

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2006, 02:30:16 PM »
look at the title

Blocked in so many ways i am suprised i can still breathe...

from his introduction i know that DarkDreams is one of those writers with a great gift of words.

for me personally... i go through depression where i am fine on my own. I know in a day or so that it will go away and the world will be right again. If i was going to describe one of those light days I would not use the words 'i am suprised i can still breathe.'

there are times when i pick up the phone and call a friend to come over and babysit to ensure i don't put my head through a wall. That might be a moment that were i would be surprised i can still breathe.

It is also takes a great deal of guts to post a I need help. These is not his beginning of his suffering. A doctor is not the complete anwser just part of one. If i see someone in trouble i am not going to wait until i am sure they are drowing before throwing in the life preserver.

Offline Swedish Steel

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2006, 02:35:11 PM »
Still, perhaps it is best to take this discussion to a new thread, hmmm? I feel the focus starting to drift from him and his situation to the discussion itself. Encouraging words and suggestions would be appropriate here, and the discussion (wich isn't a bad one) could continue in another thread.
Or I might be wrong...

Offline Eloquent Surreal

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2006, 09:03:36 PM »
Still, perhaps it is best to take this discussion to a new thread, hmmm? I feel the focus starting to drift from him and his situation to the discussion itself. Encouraging words and suggestions would be appropriate here, and the discussion (wich isn't a bad one) could continue in another thread.
Or I might be wrong...

You know Steel, you are right. Dark, I feel for you sweetie, I really do. Trust me, I was there not long ago. I went to my doctor and as it turns out my problem was mainly hormonal. Of course it was aggravated by many issues I had in my life as well. But after I got the actual physical issue out of the way, I was able to use my friends and other resources to pick up the rest of my life that was bringing me down.  I wish you the best of luck in solving your problem and if you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to PM me.

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #28 on: July 20, 2006, 04:29:55 AM »
I did not expect anything like this when I wrote my post. There is too much in this thread for me to give personal attention too, but please know that I deeply appreciate all the advice and offers of support you have given me. I will likely come back to this thread once in a while to just read it and again be moved by your sincerity and understanding.

I have been coping with this problem for a long time now. First, it was merely the writing that stopped flowing. I say merely, but truly if I had the choice between work and writing, I know what I would choose. Writing is a great part of me and not being able to express myself in the way I want to is terrible. This, if I recall correctly, has been close to 3 years now.

But lately (say in the past 2 months), the same happened in work. Programming is both a hobby and work for me, and in neither I have been able to produce anything worthwhile. Stepping away from it is, unfortunately, not an option. Oh, I wish I could simply say 'Guys, I've had enough for now, I will be travelling the world for a few month' or something of equal intent but perhaps less adventurous nature. But there is always the issue of money in the bank.

Have I seen a doctor? Yes. I have seen a psychiatrist, who diagnosed a mild depression. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could offer me to solve it. I don't think it is something that can be solved clinically. I have been going through a lot in the past years (I wont share all that, as it would take me several hours to compile a post that would likely stretch across several screens) and I believe this is what is causing me grief now. That, and several things that happened when I was still studying. I don't think I have had many instances in which I was happy with myself, or had cause to be. And that, too, is part of the problem.

What do I need? I don't know. All I know is that I desperately want to write, want to program, want to get rid of the feeling that I am not contributing. I talked to my managers the other day, and they assured me that I am indeed contributing. But to me it is not enough.

I don't quite know what to say. I have so many little things I could say to explain things, not only to you but through you to myself as well. In my darkest moods, I become so terribly bitter, so violent -though that is the wrong word for it, for I would never hurt an unwilling soul- and I have no way to let that out. Risking to sound banal, sex is a great outlet for me, but I have yet not had the opportunity of letting out that darkest side of me. Likely, I will never have that chance. I love my girlfriend and would never do anything to hurt her. And she would not be able to handle my darkest self.

I know that that sounds banal, and few will agree that it would be a solution. Perhaps it wont be. But letting out all that rage, all that pain, should count for something. I sometimes find myself walking around hoping someone will walk into me, or give me a wrong look, just to give me an excuse to unleash. And that scares me. I am not a violent person.

Anyway, I am rambling and likely making no sense at all. I will close this now by again saying 'thank you' to all of you who offered their advice and support. I don't think 'thank you' is enough, but inviting you over for a drink and dinner is out of the question, I think *grins slightly*. It means an awful lot to me, and if you don't mind I will take you up on your offers.

Goddess bless you and guide your steps,
Erik

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #29 on: July 21, 2006, 09:09:31 AM »
[..] Darkness [..]

Mmmm my first thought was one of the Meredith Gentry novels. Would there be a Queen looking for her Darkness?

Can I keep my new nickname?? Can I? Can I? *delighted squeal*

Offline ShadowsLight

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #30 on: July 21, 2006, 09:18:48 AM »
Darlin',   I'm surprised the Anne Bishop books didn't come to mind. . . 

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #31 on: July 21, 2006, 09:23:47 AM »
*chuckles* That would be because I never got past the third chapter of one of her books and never tried again.

Offline ShadowsLight

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #32 on: July 21, 2006, 09:52:06 AM »
*chuckles* That would be because I never got past the third chapter of one of her books and never tried again.

Umm... that's not what you told me about the ones I sent you - Saetan and Daemon seemed to make an impression on you.  ;)

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #33 on: July 21, 2006, 09:56:59 AM »
*smiles self-consciously* I appear to have mistook Anne Bishop with Anne Rice. I was talking about the latter. Indeed, Saetan and Daemon, but mostly Daemon, have left marks of their own..

I will willingly submit to punishment for making this grave a mistake.. *kneels on the floor, bowing his head*

Offline Elvi

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #34 on: July 21, 2006, 10:01:06 AM »
Indeed, Saetan and Daemon, but mostly Daemon, have left marks of their own..


Then you should really have read them instead of hitting yourself over the head with them......

*wanders away laughing*

Offline ShadowsLight

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #35 on: July 21, 2006, 10:14:33 AM »
I will willingly submit to punishment for making this grave a mistake.. *kneels on the floor, bowing his head*

*paces a small circle around Darkest, watching him. One elegant brow lifts and a slight smile quirks the corner of her lips as she leans over to whisper in his ear from behind*  Ah, but that's what you want, my dear . . . so how much of a punishment would it truly be?

*straightens up and circles to stand in front of him, arms folded across her chest* Do tell me why I should give you something you so desire? *a hint of amusement behind those soft words*

Offline Elvi

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #36 on: July 21, 2006, 10:22:12 AM »
Shadow, can I remind you, before you go further, that this is on the public borads?

Offline ShadowsLight

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #37 on: July 21, 2006, 10:24:56 AM »
*chuckles* no problem - I wasn't planning on going any further with it. I just like to tease Darkest on occasion.

Offline Elvi

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #38 on: July 21, 2006, 10:26:34 AM »
Just thought I would remind you 'just incase'......*smiles*

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #39 on: July 23, 2006, 05:28:07 AM »
Then you should really have read them instead of hitting yourself over the head with them......

*wanders away laughing*

*laughs*

Offline DarkestDreamsTopic starter

Re: Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..
« Reply #40 on: July 23, 2006, 05:28:47 AM »
*chuckles* no problem - I wasn't planning on going any further with it. I just like to tease Darkest on occasion.

*mutters*