I did not expect anything like this when I wrote my post. There is too much in this thread for me to give personal attention too, but please know that I deeply appreciate all the advice and offers of support you have given me. I will likely come back to this thread once in a while to just read it and again be moved by your sincerity and understanding.
I have been coping with this problem for a long time now. First, it was merely the writing that stopped flowing. I say merely, but truly if I had the choice between work and writing, I know what I would choose. Writing is a great part of me and not being able to express myself in the way I want to is terrible. This, if I recall correctly, has been close to 3 years now.
But lately (say in the past 2 months), the same happened in work. Programming is both a hobby and work for me, and in neither I have been able to produce anything worthwhile. Stepping away from it is, unfortunately, not an option. Oh, I wish I could simply say 'Guys, I've had enough for now, I will be travelling the world for a few month' or something of equal intent but perhaps less adventurous nature. But there is always the issue of money in the bank.
Have I seen a doctor? Yes. I have seen a psychiatrist, who diagnosed a mild depression. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could offer me to solve it. I don't think it is something that can be solved clinically. I have been going through a lot in the past years (I wont share all that, as it would take me several hours to compile a post that would likely stretch across several screens) and I believe this is what is causing me grief now. That, and several things that happened when I was still studying. I don't think I have had many instances in which I was happy with myself, or had cause to be. And that, too, is part of the problem.
What do I need? I don't know. All I know is that I desperately want to write, want to program, want to get rid of the feeling that I am not contributing. I talked to my managers the other day, and they assured me that I am indeed contributing. But to me it is not enough.
I don't quite know what to say. I have so many little things I could say to explain things, not only to you but through you to myself as well. In my darkest moods, I become so terribly bitter, so violent -though that is the wrong word for it, for I would never hurt an unwilling soul- and I have no way to let that out. Risking to sound banal, sex is a great outlet for me, but I have yet not had the opportunity of letting out that darkest side of me. Likely, I will never have that chance. I love my girlfriend and would never do anything to hurt her. And she would not be able to handle my darkest self.
I know that that sounds banal, and few will agree that it would be a solution. Perhaps it wont be. But letting out all that rage, all that pain, should count for something. I sometimes find myself walking around hoping someone will walk into me, or give me a wrong look, just to give me an excuse to unleash. And that scares me. I am not a violent person.
Anyway, I am rambling and likely making no sense at all. I will close this now by again saying 'thank you' to all of you who offered their advice and support. I don't think 'thank you' is enough, but inviting you over for a drink and dinner is out of the question, I think *grins slightly*. It means an awful lot to me, and if you don't mind I will take you up on your offers.
Goddess bless you and guide your steps,