The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent

Started by grdell, August 17, 2009, 07:16:15 PM

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We are shaped by our past experiences. So much so that your future can be dramatically affected by your past. And it takes a tremendous effort to change the direction of your emotions...

I am 36. I am single. To tell you the whole truth, I have never yet had a long term relationship. I can blame it on many factors, but I feel that the simplest is also the strongest:

I fear love.

You all know (or at least most of you, I'm sure) the pain of unrequited love. It sucks in ways that only the single most powerful emotion we possess can. And, being bisexual, I've been burned by both genders. Yes, I have fallen deeply, madly, truly, head-over-heels for one special member of each sex, and been mercilessly shot down by both of them. The guy was straight, and the woman... Well, she had her reasons, and I respect them. That really doesn't make it any better, though.

So this guy, we'll call him Andy, worked in the same place I worked. It was a big place, lot of employees, and he worked in a different part of the building and I only rarely saw him. He was good-looking in an average sort of way. You know the type - never be a cover model or a Hollywood leading man, but a good catch nonetheless. I admit that my own stupid arrogance got in the way and I thought that he wasn't worth my time. But then I opened up and gave him a chance and got to know him. Found out he was smart and funny. We got together outside of work and just hung out. We played chess, went to concerts, played pool. And over time, my feelings for him grew so subtly that I was unaware of their growth at all. Comments were made in honesty, not in malice, that he would find himself unable to continue our friendship if I was attracted to him. I understood. I continued on, perhaps foolishly, but did not want to lose so dear a friend. Until one night... We were shooting pool and I had just failed to sink the ball. I stepped back from the table and Andy stepped in front of me as I backed away to take a drink of my iced tea. I felt an overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him. Even so small a thing as just to lay my hand on his shoulder, although I knew that would never be enough. In that one brief moment, I realized that I had fallen so desperately in love with him that I had been lying to myself without even knowing it. I didn't touch him. In fact, after that night, I never even saw him again. Nothing was said, but I believe he understood. Sometimes the quick, clean break is best. Even when it hurts the most.

Some years later, I'm working at another place. I have risen through the ranks and become a manager. We hire this girl, and she's a good employee. Let's call her Lynn. Again, she's bright and funny and reasonably attractive. In fact, I have some very specific attractions when it comes to women, and she fit all of them. All of them. It was crazy - how often do you meet that one perfect person? I admit, of course, that she was not perfect - no one is. It's just that when you when you're as picky as me and someone comes along that fits all your criteria - well, rose-colored glasses and all that. I tried to be subtle, but subtlety is not one of my strong suits. When I confessed to one of the other guys at work that I was attracted to her, he replied "well, duh." It seems that everyone knew. I wonder, to this day, if she knew. But that comment was galvanizing. I finally asked her out. She said no. I asked her why. She gave me her reasons. I will respect her privacy and not reveal them here, but they were good and valid ones. Needless to say, she found another job soon thereafter. It took me a while to realize it, but I had fallen pretty hard for her, too. I fear that in retrospect, I may have fallen for the idea of her, but it amounts to the same thing, in the end.

I have a third experience that I won't recount here, as it is simply more of the same. What has happened is that I have learned, in proper Pavlovian fashion, that love leads to pain. In my case, every time. Hear the bell, get a broken heart.

I have resigned myself to a single life. The irony is that people always say that's when you meet that one special person. Not for me, though. And even if I did, I wonder if I could get past my own experiences. I wonder if this hardened heart could allow itself to try again.

I really do wonder...
"A million people can call the mountains a fiction, yet it need not trouble you as you stand atop them." ~XKCD

My Kinsey Scale rating: 4; and what that means in terms of my gender identity. My pronouns: he/him.

My Ons and Offs, current stories, story ideas, Apologies and Absences - Updated 28 Jan 2024.

Beguile's Mistress

It isn't easy to take a another chance once you've been hurt.  It's harder when you're afraid of being hurt again, and nearly impossible when you've convinced yourself pain is the only result you'll get.

At a point in my life where I was convinced that I wasn't meant to have a happy relationship with anyone I met someone who persuaded me to try again.  I would have run from him as fast as I could if I had know how things would turn out.  It ended tragically but before it did I experienced some of the most beautiful moments of my life and have wonderful memories. 

Pain fades after a while if we let it, but happy memories can last forever.

Don't be afraid to take another chance, or more.  It's better to say, in the end, "I tried" than to think "I wish I had."


Perhaps the key to finding someone you're willing to have a long term relationship/ abolishment of loneliness with, is to date people who don't fit your criteria whatsoever or only partially do. People are unbelievably interesting, they tend to conceal so much about themselves. (P.s. This is coming from someone who has never had a long term relationship either) Be sure to try it out and pm me the results. 
People cant defeat loneliness- Gaara


I think we all have walked that same path and I am sure we can all relate to your fear and pain but if you let them rule you; there will never be a chance for anything else.

I don't wish that miserable state on anyone; it is a horrible place to exist. Loneliness weighs heavily on your shoulders, the questions and selfdoubt plague every moment and if it going on long enough; you start to wonder the reason for your very existence.

I will not tell you to keep trying because I know how hard it is nor will I tell you that perfect person exists; you know the one that will you for who you are because that will do nothing more then have you rolling your eyes and thinking it does no good hearing that at some point you will find happiness when you are hurting now.

I will suggest that you don't close yourself off to the point that when love comes to you, you can't let it in. My husband isn't Mr. Perfect, he is nothing like my dream man whom I doubt exists but he loves me, as flawed as I am, which in my eyes makes him Mr. Right. I nearly missed out on years of happiness because I was too scared of getting hurt again to let anyone close.

Just something to think about.