Power to the People

[Autumn Sativus]

So, after a discussion about this on another website, I've decided to write my first blog. Most of you, if you know me, will know that I am a Domme, so my opinion on this issue is from the first hand. I know what it is to hold control over someone else, and I'm well aware of the way in which it should be done, at least from what I consider to be a respectable Dominant’s position.

Within this blog I’m targeting those ‘fake doms’ who think that they can claim themselves dominant and go ahead and do whatever they like to anyone they desire. This is wrong. Wake up and smell the morals, please. Set boundaries, come to know those you take interest in. D/s relationships are built on trust and respect, not orders and failure to care.

I also want the submissives who are subject to these Dominant’s to take something from this blog. The knowledge that they do not have to be subject to abuse to have a Dominant partner. There can be a medium, and even a lighter side. It’s not all about orders and sex, it’s a bond that should be important.

The first and most important point I’d like to acknowledge is the following; Dominants only hold say over their sub, pet, or slave because of the sub, pet or slave's willingness to be under the control of their Dominant. It is literally the case of power to the people. If a dom for some reason decides that this rule no longer applies to them, they have just violated one of the most important things to acknowledge when one takes a Dominant position over another.  And it is often within this that one can spot the difficult to notice ‘fake’ dom.

This may be one way to spot the fake. A real Dom(me) does not wander and idly spout that he/she is superior to anyone else. The real Dom(me) is aware of the relationship that goes into D/s, even if it is just play. If I were to choose the one holding ground to a D/s relationship... it is trust. The submissive must trust the Dominant before all else. And it is this trust that places the responsibility on the shoulders of the Dom(me). Once the submissive has placed their control in the hands of the Dom(me), there is nothing to stop that person from doing anything they want to the (now, likely) vulnerable submissive, only trust. And if that trust is violated, either you go from having a sub to abusing someone, or you're going to lose that someone that hopefully was cared about. Subs are people too, and they deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as the next person. Their natural desire to submit should not change that.

The moral of the story, for every one of you out there who thinks that just because you want to be a Dom(me), you can start barking orders and controlling anyone, is you're wrong. A proper D/s relationship does not develop overnight but over time, spent loving and trusting and learning about each other. For those of you who think that a D/s relationship is just one person ordering another around... look at it from a deeper perspective. In order to get to a point where orders are respected and not just barks... it takes commitment and dedication, trust and caring, time and effort.

[Autumn Sativus]

I think I've finished this up now. =)

[Mnemaxa]

So true, Saffron.

[Rhapsody]

I've often heard it said that it's the sub that truly holds the power in the relationship, because the minute the sub speaks whatever safety/stop word has been agreed on, they have no choice but to stop (if they're a true Dom(me), that is), and any dominant worth their salt realizes this early on in the relationship. 

Now, I've only played in the lifestyle, and only in roleplaying, so I'm not trying to step on any toes with this or claim to know more than those who live the lifestyle.  It sounds right, but sounding right doesn't always make it true.  I do apologize if this is an offensive question, but as I said, I have heard it from multiple sources, and I'm truly curious to know if this is a truth of the lifestyle, or if it's just one of the (albeit numerous) "facts" that in actuality have little to back it up.

[Autumn Sativus]

I would definitely agree with that statement. Any respectable Dom/me knows that ultimately it is the sub who will always come first - their overall well being should be more important than anything else. And ensuring that they aren't damaged (mentally or physically) in a way they don't desire is an important rule to follow.

Now there are occasionally reasons I would disagree, and say that even a stubborn sub does need to try new things now and then - but these really do range depending on the person and in general I'd still agree. I would follow the rule that hard limits are set out before anything begins, and everything else is a 'try it at least once' deal. Though, I've also never had a safeword used - I'm very attentive to my sub's needs so it should never get to a point where no more can be handled.

In most cases, yes, the sub is the one holding the key to themselves. The rest is up to the Dom/me once the "lock" is opened - one just needs to be careful that it lock on them again.

[Enigma]

Am I ever impressed, this was well wrote an was an important read for many. Trust, respect, love ... what most miss out on is the bond that develops over time, how time only strengthens a bond if done the right way.  It takes 2 to work this well, there is a lot of responsibility on the Dom(me), the burden of mistakes made will be reflected on your sub and if your direction is radiating from disrespect and obsessive dictation in a negative manner you may be doing a lot of damage.   "Power to the people".  It is an honor.. an absolute HONOR for a sub to give you the power. The risks can be great on both ends, if the idea is that one just gives orders to the other this is a narrow and sad expression of one of the most intricate ways to have a bond with someone. This is so far from what is really developing, abuse is not respect, not trust and in time your sub will not only loose appreciation for your skills or the lack there of but the trust and respect will likely be lost for good.. in trust there are no bad followers only bad leaders.  Sure subs will require direction but that doesn't mean abusing them or their desire to have you as their Dom(me)  I enjoy both roles, I was broken in appropriately as a sub and have gained skill from my master to finally have something to offer in the role as a Dom(me)..  I was a patient learner and I was utterly fulfilled in that experience, still stands the test of time and distance. Its been at least 10 years but I hold that portion of my life very close to heart.  I learned from one of the best and now I have assumed the role as a Dom(me).. I am always learning. Now I have a sub and the relationship is over a year old, perfect love perfect trust. she doesn't do what I say.. she wants to do what I say, she trusts that I know how to please her and believes I can take her there.. we have tried a lot of new things, things she would of told you she wasn't interested in.. her trust in me gave her the freedom to let me love her.. I worry some may attempt to do the same things with her but without being respectful.. sometimes it not what your doing .. its how its done.   Bottom line RESPECT IS JUST A MINIMUM AND TRUST IS A MUST.  I really loved this post! Ty

[Duncan]

Very true Saffron.  Trust is the biggest part of a Dom/Sub relationship.

[Autumn Sativus]

That it is.