'Chaos of the Self and Isolation' (A musing of sorts)

[Twisted Crow]

To fight oneself is to fight a protracted war that cannot truly be won. Even if you somehow won, you technically defeat yourself. The winner is you, and the loser is still you. Maybe it persists and renews in order to gain some measure of control.

"But why fight yourself?" You might be wondering. Hmmm. Why, indeed. See, it is easy to look at something you might dislike or hate because it goes against your 'convictions'... or some self-image of collective benevolence or virtue. The challenge, really, is to mediate yourself between maintaining this sense of honor and being so critical of every word you speak, or perhaps every action you take. It is a slippery slope, a mistep could lead you falling into ego or self-loathing.

The way I see it? If you don't look at yourself with honest eyes, you end up creating something within you built on lies. Compelled speech is one example of how the "false self" might save face with others, even if it goes against a genuine feeling. Maybe we would rather be liked than be correct. So, if I don't look at myself with honest eyes, I feel like I lose myself.

However, that also reminds me that I don't really like who I am, lately. I am more of a bullied coward that hides behind the mask of some 'sagely savant'. Heh. Or it sure feels that way, at least.

I am not confident enough in what I know, creating issues for myself in articulating my thoughts and feelings clearly and leading people into thinking that I am a complete idiot. I lack charisma. I know what it means to be a leader, yet lack the maturity in order to do what the role actually demands. I give too much weight on what others might think of me even when I know that basic people will never give you a fair shake. The weak minded will always start judging you before they even know you. Why should I expect any different treatment given to me? Heh, before they even wonder if they can fit their feet in my shoes... they create this villain in someone else that they made no earnest attempts at understanding.

"Dallas the Jerk/Softie/Racist/Sexist/Fool/Apologist/Narcissist/et. al..

He is this because of mere contingency, based on an isolated experience. He is labeled this because I have decided what he is for him. So, instead of attempting to take a piece of this puzzle to form a part of the man; I will instead form a man entirely around the piece I had discovered; around the incident where we had conflicted. Or where he was misinformed, or where he proved me wrong and just happened to be swinging a bat for the other team I play against at the time. Or it appeared this way, in some form or fashion. So for the sake of expedience, I will label him and forever move on. His chance at redemption with me is gone, perhaps never even there to begin with."

Why? Morbid comfort, perhaps, in isolating others? Maybe it is easier to create a bad guy in some Joe you had beef with than actually take a bit of time to attempt for them. To commiserate or otherwise understand their plight. In spite of this, I feel that it is easier to close myself off before I risk being isolated by others. To try to avoid that desire in being liked. I don't bother sharing my views and experiences, much anymore. Who would listen to my pains and triumphs, anyway? Instead, I find that I lately keep these thoughts for myself to manage.

I know this isn't "the answer"... but what choice do I have when the world around me seems deaf to me before I even dare to speak?

P.S.   Again... we need a thinking emote. 

[Blythe]

Some things you've said here strike a chord with me, and I want to talk about them.

I am more of a bullied coward that hides behind the mask of some 'sagely savant'. Heh. Or it sure feels that way, at least.

One thing I have learned over the years about masculinity is that there is an unpleasant social norm that tries to teach men that avoiding conflict is somehow 'cowardly,' that not tolerating being bullied and seeking a way out from that is somehow a failing.

And it's not. Society likes to program us to think it is, but in fact, avoiding conflict is often a mark of maturity. It signifies that you know what battles are worth fighting and what battles are lost causes. In other words, a mark of maturity is picking your battles. Some battles will be worth it. Idle bullying? Not worth it.

I am not confident enough in what I know, creating issues for myself in articulating my thoughts and feelings clearly and leading people into thinking that I am a complete idiot.

Confidence is hard. Really hard. The most confident people you see are still people who internally question themselves and their decisions. Most people do not think of it as such, but confidence is absolutely a learned skill. Like any skill, you have to practice it to hone it--which will involve assessing situations that make you uncomfortable, understanding the risks, and then diving in.

The self-assured and confident people you meet are generally not innately confident--they learned it (often fairly early in life for those for whom it seems ingrained) and now it's second nature to them.

"Dallas the Jerk/Softie/Racist/Sexist/Fool/Apologist/Narcissist/et. al..

He is this because of mere contingency, based on an isolated experience. He is labeled this because I have decided what he is for him. So, instead of attempting to take a piece of this puzzle to form a part of the man; I will instead form a man entirely around the piece I had discovered; around the incident where we had conflicted. Or where he was misinformed, or where he proved me wrong and just happened to be swinging a bat for the other team I play against at the time. Or it appeared this way, in some form or fashion. So for the sake of expedience, I will label him and forever move on. His chance at redemption with me is gone, perhaps never even there to begin with."

People are...tricky. There are behaviors that a person might stumble into that can be problematic. (I'm a liberal transman, Dallas, and I have been accused by people that care about me in the past as being transphobic despite the fact I am often a victim of actual transphobia. The irony is not lost on me.) At the same time, first impressions are powerful--a misstep with someone often does linger in their mind a long time. I can tell from this that you've had some run-ins with people who judged you harshly, but...

when I know that basic people will never give you a fair shake.

I find this view a bit....cynical. People change. Open-mindedness is also a skill that can be learned. One minute the same people who judged you could grow and end up learning more about you...and you may find that things change, that their perception of you changes. There are people who have labelled me poorly who later became good friends of mine. I'm not telling you that to argue with you or anything, but moreso to give you hope.

I feel that it is easier to close myself off before I risk being isolated by others. To try to avoid that desire in being liked. I don't bother sharing my views and experiences, much anymore.

Isolation is your enemy. If you haven't read this post by Vekseid, I strongly encourage you to. (And consider this me reaching out if you ever just want someone to talk at, man. Whether or not I'll always agree with you isn't important--I'm sure we could have some respectful great dialogues about a ton of issues)

It hurts to feel alone or feel as though people misunderstand you. But don't give up. It's hard to make your voice heard and to find your confidence when you also yearn to be liked and loved.

But you'll find the people who really care about you by being honest and reaching out, not by isolating yourself. Isolation leads to a perpetual cycle of misery.

[Twisted Crow]

People are...tricky. There are behaviors that a person might stumble into that can be problematic. (I'm a liberal transman, Dallas, and I have been accused by people that care about me in the past as being transphobic despite the fact I am often a victim of actual transphobia. The irony is not lost on me.) At the same time, first impressions are powerful--a misstep with someone often does linger in their mind a long time. I can tell from this that you've had some run-ins with people who judged you harshly, but...

I find this view a bit....cynical. People change. Open-mindedness is also a skill that can be learned. One minute the same people who judged you could grow and end up learning more about you...and you may find that things change, that their perception of you changes. There are people who have labelled me poorly who later became good friends of mine. I'm not telling you that to argue with you or anything, but moreso to give you hope.

Hmmm. This... is fair. Afterall, how can I complain about being rejected of redemption of this sort if I similarly deny them theirs?

[Blythe]

Hmmm. This... is fair. Afterall, how can I complain about being rejected of redemption of this sort if I similarly deny them theirs?

Well, you can always complain. Free country and all.  (And what you're describing is frustrating. I'd hardly deny you the right to be unhappy.)

Generally my own personal approach is to give people a few shots to dial it back & give them some time to change. I usually give 'em at least a couple of chances providing whatever issue I'm having with them isn't severe; people are not perfect. The younger someone is, the more forgiving I usually am, because with youth comes mistakes and a need to grow and evolve past poor behavior. You don't need to give 'em a bunch of chances--part of confidence is going to be knowing where you draw a line with people behaving poorly and when you want to enforce that line, but I've had some good results starting soft and being forgiving first & then moving to being more firm/harsh if it becomes clear a person's change is of the 'fair-weather' variety. A person can always move towards harsher 'leave me alone' stances later, but it's a lot harder to move to a softer stance if you start off harsh. De-escalation is always harder than escalation.

[Twisted Crow]

Also fair and reasonable. In terms of complaint, I suppose I could but should perhaps say that I don't typically like complaining when I desire to emulate those that do lead. That know how to lead.

Take Elliquiy, for example. My perception of Veks is that he has a grasp of leadership. I don't think I have seen him make a rule that he has not embodied as well as enforced. A leader is the example of the rule or law, they shouldn't exempt themselves from following the standards they set in place.

You're right that I can complain, but that is more of what I meant.