[D&D 5e] Acquisitions Incorporated; Internship Opportunities!

Started by Chulanowa, May 13, 2017, 07:58:18 PM

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Chulanowa



At Acquisitions Incorporated, you inquire - and we acquire™. For nearly twenty years, other people have had things you've really wanted and we've gone over there to get those things,
even if they didn't want us to do that. Typically, they don't. But we don't work for them, we work for you™. We've acquired it all, but we specialize in staves, gems, and storied weapons
of great lineage. We do apply a reasonable surtax for rods, because rods. It's been a problem. This is AcqInc in a nutshell:

Defenses negotiable. Merchandise plentiful. Franchises available.

Acquisitions Incorporated: It's In The Name™


WE ARE NOT NOW SEEKING INTERNS!
Are you part of a Ragtag Band of Misfits?
*
Acquisitions Inc. LLC is not responsible for loss of life,
limb, sanity, virginity, or dignity incurred on any capers, hijinks, escapades,
or unforseen events, hereafter known as "adventures." Acquisitions Incorporated LLC
reserves the right to deny all associations with interns in
case of any event involving, peripheral to, or postumously occurring in
the course of said adventure. All adventures must be accounted for on
intern timecards and a full log of events presented to the regional manager
in triplicate. Negligence in the filing of proper adventure forms (Documents 2C, BE-131,
and AI-2, pages 3-13) will result in reprimand for the first offense, dock of pay
for the second offense, and deportation to the Waterdeep offices on the third offense.
(We'll keep an oubliette open for you™ - Omin)

**
Acquisitions Incorporated LLC retains all rights to all profits incurred in the
course of the aforementioned "adventures." After filling forms BE-2, AD1-3, and pages 4-14 of EH-4,
interns may be entitled to monetary compensation derived from the profits of said adventure, at
discretion of the regional manager. All adventuring profits must be logged in triplicate
and delivered to the regional manager as well as the home office in Waterdeep. All
filing of paperwork incurs a surcharge of... (this section continues for seven paragraphs, some completely in Elder Elvish)

***
Or AIAIOP, for short.
(I really think we need to work on that one in the final draft, guys. - Viari)

****
Acquisitions Incorporated, LLC is not liable for shock, loss of skin, infection, or humiliaiton
incurred during the process of branding an intern. All brands are permanent. Removal of the Acquisitions
Incorporated branding Logo will be considered a breach of contract, and may result in legal redress
for loss of company property. (Bears may be involved, we're not sure yet - Jim)

Do you seek Adventure* and Profit**?
Have you ever dreamed of Something More Than This?
Do you respond well to directed management?
Consider the Acquisitions Incorporated Adventurer Intern Opportunity Program***!
GET BRANDED NOW!****



   Well then, I guess this is a thing that is happening. Hello everyone and welcome to my take on the beloved franchise of Acquisitions Incorporated! I'm going to cut right to the chase.

   You COULD have gotten a job with the Gray Hands. But they wanted you to pay
*
This is a dramatic re-enactment, and such backstories do not
apply to all potential interns. Your mileage may vary,
is what we're saying.
up-front. The Knights of the Unicorn have certain cultish aspects, such as being a cult. And like, medieval bronies. For a time the Company of the Catlash was considering you until you forgot to shave the day of your interview. Really it came down to two choices for your adventuring career; Acquisitions Incorporated, or the Companions of the Hall. And let's face it, you'd never cut a heroic figure standing next to Drizzt*. So here you are, application in hand for the most heroic capable franchised adventuring company of the Sword Coast!

   If you've seen any of the OG Acquisitions Incorporated series, you know exactly what this is. If not, no problem! This is going to be a comic fantasy adventure game set in D&D's Forgotten Realms setting (at least, to start with. Fuckin' portals man, how do they work?) and using the 5th edition D&D ruleset.

   Your characters are all applying for internships into the Acquisitions Incorporated adventuring company. they are scrubs. Nobodies. The riffraff. The dorito crumbs that fall out of your Player's Handbook when you hold it by the spine and shake it a little. The three key words are Not Heroes Yet™. Actually given the company they've joined up with they're as likely to end up as professional dire rabbit herders as they are to end up heroes, but they don't know that!



The Rules

The rules are simple!

Rule of Rad: Some things you can do. other things you can't do. But if there's something you technically can't do, but it sounds sufficiently rad (at GM's discretion) you'll at least get a shot at pulling it off. Don't be afraid to try those triple somersaults off the back of a flying dragon to party a lethal thrust to your best buddy's beloved boob-bearer.

Table Talk: I know it can be a little awkward to do in PbP format, but for this I totally encourage table-talk and mild metagaming in the OOC thread that I assure you will exist as soon as the contractors get around to it. Just keep it affable! Be warned; the DM may take comments in the OOC thread as suggestionsO8)

Humor: Like I said, this is a comic adventure. That doesn't mean it's a nonstop comedy rollercoaster, every word has to be a joke, or the like. But you will encounter the absurd. There will be occasional pop culture references (one of the top-seating regular plays in Waterdeep is currently Keeping Up With The Chondathans) and I expect quips and riffs and low-hanging fruit (heh, heh...). Don't feel like you've got to give a standup comedy act, but keep a sense of humor and tolerance for silliness. You're in a game where a Rod of Seven Parts has been "kiestered" for two years, mecha-beholders exist, and Newhamp Shire is an actual place.

E Stuff: Sexual humor is definitely a thing in AcqInc. However sex is not the focus of the game. If you want to get it on, cool, that's all you. Feel free to schmooze your teammates all you like, to any degree the two+ of you are comfortable with. NPC sex will "fade to black." The game will be contained in the Light: Human Small Groups section of the forums. All characters must be the species equivalent of 17+. As Acquisitions Incorporated strives for diversity in its Internship Program, any character can be of any gender or orientation, and I will try for some sort of parity in character selection.

Speaking of which I have space for SIX people for this. I'm going to keep recruitment going until Wednesday (5/17). The game isn't first-come-first serve, so if you want to toss in an application, by all means, please do so.



Your Characters

   So you've read all that. You've had your local notary examine the fine print, and for some unfathomable reason you still want to join the AIAIOP? Well that's just great! Here's how you do it!

Character Names: Don't take it so serious. You're in a universe with people named Jim Darkmagic, Jeff the Dead Intern, K'thriss Drow'b (played by Chris Straub!), Donaar Blit'zen, Timothy Goodboy Dunstucker, and Walnut Dankgrass. Have fun!
Appearances: Your character can natually look like anything you like. if you are using a character image though, please avoid anime / manga and photographs. Cartoonish artwork is certainly okay (even encouraged) however. I mean just look at the crap amazing work Jerry and Scott draw for the main cast.
Concepts: Remember that part where I compared your character to stale chip crumbs? Yeah, think like that. "Weird" characters are great, and weirdness is probably why they're applying for AcqInc internships in the first place. Hillbilly dwarf sorcerers, dragonborn bards who dual-wield bass lutes, that sort of stuff can work. I mean, maybe not mechanically, but never know 'til you try (see section 3, paragraph 1, Rad, rule of)
Backgrounds: Two things. One, I dislike long narrative backgrounds. if you enjoy making them, you do you, that's great, but I'm truly fine with two or even three succinct paragraphs. Two, I'm interested in your character. Not their parents, not the guy they knew in barbarian college (Go Fighting RARGHYARGHBLARGGLARGH!!!!) and not a century of history about the hometown. Tell me how that stuff affects your character, if it's important to them. If it's not important now, feel free to make it up later! And also, you're level 1 adventurers seeking "employment" as interns for a shady fly-by-night adventuring company run by a chubby bald half-elf. You are, to use MMORPG terms, "n00bs". So. I guess that's actually three things. Don't worry, there's no math in D&D. I promise.
Alignment: All good and neutral alignments are allowed. I have no doubts that you'll all be a pack of savage murder-hobos roaming the countryside halfway through the game though, so don't sweat it too hard.
Races: All races and subraces found in the Player's Handbook and Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide are good to go, as are Aasimar, Goliaths, and Genasi. Humans can use either the "standard" or "variant" options form the Player's Handbook. Half Elves and Tieflings can use the optional rules in Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide.
Classes: All classes, subclasses, and options from the Player's Handbook and Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide are allowed.
Unearthed Arcana: Pretty much all the stuff in Unearthed Arcana is acceptable as well, except for Minotaurs and probably one or two other things that are slipping my mind right now. I'm good with most of it, but be sure to ask just in case.
Abilities: Roll 3d6, apply in order of rolls. Sorry, I didn't promise every joke would be funny. I'm going to use the suggested stat arrays from the Player's Handbook. Your characters can apply the following stats as they wish, before racial modifiers: 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8.
Trinkets: Everyone gets a roll on the trinkets table. I can't promise that they will be relevant in any way to anything, but I think trinkets are cool, so I'm handing 'em out like Oprah.

At the start of the game, your characters are all level 1, in the city of Waterdeep. Maybe some of you know each other - probably not, though.



So that's pretty much it! Just sign on the dotted line and slip your application through the mail slot after regular business hours. From everyone at Acquisitions Incorporated, we look forward to you Joining the Adventure!™

Rummy Tum Tum

I've been drinkin', which makes this the perfect timing! The fates have truly worked in my favor >:)

Hexed

pfft. May I suggest a drunken master monk then Rummy Tum Tum? :p


Chulanowa is the artificer class from UA allowed? http://media.wizards.com/2016/dnd/downloads/1_UA_Artificer_20170109.pdf

You did say ask. :D

Chulanowa

Quote from: Hexed on May 13, 2017, 08:19:30 PM
pfft. May I suggest a drunken master monk then Rummy Tum Tum? :p


Chulanowa is the artificer class from UA allowed? http://media.wizards.com/2016/dnd/downloads/1_UA_Artificer_20170109.pdf

You did say ask. :D

Yes, in fact. Both specializations.

Rummy Tum Tum

Quote from: Hexed on May 13, 2017, 08:19:30 PM
pfft. May I suggest a drunken master monk then Rummy Tum Tum? :p

A drunken anything will do :D

Bibliophilia


Gillie Pussyfoot
Forest Gnome Rogue 1 (Guild Artisan; Baker)

Personality:  I like to think of myself as a genial person, always willing to help my fellow man.  While it is true that I can be somewhat volatile, I wouldn't put much stock into the vicious rumors of people who are clearly jealous of my natural charm and skill with bladed weaponry.  I've never once stabbed anyone who didn't ask for it, either explicitly or indirectly, through word or deed.  And of those blessed few, none died from their injuries.  That's not to say I'm morally opposed to killing, or incompetent at it, just that I am clever enough to be aware that killing without a good cause(and someone higher on the food chain to blame) will land you in the clink.  I wouldn't do well in prison.  Have you seen this face?

History:  When she was 16, Gillie climbed the highest tree in the forest where she grew up and looked out over the canopy, only to spy a curious black cloud rising into the sky....wait, no, that's Fern Gully.  Gillie was raised in a tall tower with no means of esc...wait, nope, that is Rapunzel.  Sorry, give me a moment.


Huh.  Okay.  Gillie grew up in a forest with a load of other gnomes, who went about their days doing things like expressing the anal glands of civet cats to collect the fluid for perfumes.  Gillie didn't really fancy the idea of playing with animal butts or milking albino sugar gliders.  Or collecting bat guano.  So, instead, she went to work for the village baker, learning to make delicious nut pies and hearty fruit cakes to feed to everyone else, whose jobs left them in desperate need of sweets.

Still, though she loved to bake and was quite good at it, Gillie felt she was meant for something more than her provincial life.  Oops, sorry, slipped into Beauty and the Beast for a moment there.  It was all well and good making delicious treats for the locals and sneaking off to play 'Dagger & Sheath' with the local boys, but their whining about how she played it wrong and all the blood just got boring after a while.  She wanted Adventure™ and Excitement™.

So, she packed up her baking tools, gathered the gold she'd managed to save up, strapped her tortoise to her thigh and set off toward the nearest city to seek her destiny.  Two weeks later she had been robbed four times, mistaken for a lost child and forceably escorted to the local constabulary twice and propositioned once by a very stupid orc.  Rather than try and explain the concept of size disparity and how one couldn't fit five pounds of...,let's say potatoes, into a one pound sack, Gillie simply convinced the orc she was more trouble than she was worth via judicious application of her paring knife.

Her natural skill with the knife, and cunning, caught the attention of a local thief who decided to take her under his wing.  Well, that's what he said.  She figured it had more to do with him being well into his fifties and too arthritic for roguery anymore.  He needed a young, nimble protégé to keep him fed, clothed and off the streets, and Gillie was more than happy to be that protégé.  For the next few months, Tibalt the Halfling taught Gillie everything he knew and she, in turn, kept them both fed.  But, as with baking, eventually learning and simply using her new skills to 'get by' wasn't enough.

Gillie never learned to read, and you can bet Tibalt regretted ever telling her it wasn't necessary when she announced with excitement that she had marked her X on the dotted line at Acquisitions Inc.  She left him the majority of the gold she'd managed to pilfer from the patrons at a tavern on her way back home, and ignored all of his dire warnings as she packed her meager things.  Convinced he was just trying to get her to stay, she bid him farewell, told him the gold would see him through until she could send more, then set off to buy herself a few more things for her new life...as an Adventurer™!  YEAH! -freeze frame on fist-pump.-

Sexuality: Why is this here?  I'm not fucking the damn koala, I don't care how magical it is!

Reason for Application:  When you stab guys in the kidney for pay, it's a profession.  When you do it for fun, it's a crime.  I like the sound of professional more than criminal.


This...is Frank.  Frank is Gillie's pet tortoise.  He's about the size of a cereal bowl, and he travels around in a special harness that Gillie has constructed out of leather straps.  When she is on the move, Frank can be seen dangling from her belt by her left thigh, like a rock in black leather bondage gear.  Luckily, Frank has no idea how utterly undignified this is, and even if he did, he could likely be bribed into not giving a fuck with liberal applications of fresh tomato and blackberries.

When at camp, Gillie frees Frank from his leather straps to let him roam freely.  He usually doesn't venture far from her, because he is smart enough to realize that she is the one with the fruits and vegetables that he enjoys eating.  Every so often he will get adventurous and crawl away from camp in search of wildflowers to munch on, but he never gets far.  'Cause he's slow.  'Cause he's a tortoise.

Frank also likes having his shell brushed and his chin scratched.  Just saying.

Hexed


Bibliophilia

To be fair, I've known about this all day.  But, also, I have magical character-making powers.

Chulanowa


Hexed

Hah. Must be 10th circle magic to do such a feat. :p



That said pondering a artificer gunsmith. Possibly a small race for the lulz. No matter the race calling it a "Boom Stick" is mandatory. :)

Crash

I would loooove a chance to play a whacky alchemist (unearthed arcana).

"Sorry, you must survive at least 3 games with me before we can chat like this."
Congratulations, you've unlocked Flirtatious Crash! - Envious

Doomblade403xxx

How about  a very large barbarian with a bastard sword and a HUGE....personality

Chulanowa

Quote from: Doomblade403xxx on May 13, 2017, 11:25:56 PM
How about  a very large barbarian with a bastard sword and a HUGE....personality

Is there some other sort that I've never heard of?

Crash

Any change races from Volo's guide are being allowed.  I didn't see them in your original post, but thought I would make sure.

"Sorry, you must survive at least 3 games with me before we can chat like this."
Congratulations, you've unlocked Flirtatious Crash! - Envious

Kathyan

Quote from: Chulanowa on May 14, 2017, 12:03:41 AM
Is there some other sort that I've never heard of?
Well, I'm not familiar with every UA that has come out so I was thinking making a human sage barbarian with high intelligence and the skilled feat to have all the knowledge skills ^^

But I will also be checking at the Mystic.

Crash


"Sorry, you must survive at least 3 games with me before we can chat like this."
Congratulations, you've unlocked Flirtatious Crash! - Envious

Chulanowa

Quote from: Crash on May 14, 2017, 12:45:19 AM
Any change races from Volo's guide are being allowed.  I didn't see them in your original post, but thought I would make sure.

Just the Aasimar and Goliath. I like the other races, but I think between the PHB and SCAG, plus the Genasi, I'd say we have plenty.

Doomblade403xxx

#17
Quote from: Kathyan on May 14, 2017, 01:06:30 AM
Well, I'm not familiar with every UA that has come out so I was thinking making a human sage barbarian with high intelligence and the skilled feat to have all the knowledge skills ^^

But I will also be checking at the Mystic.

Maybe we could be siblings.

And I promise I will not throw the halfling at enemies....unless she asks to be thrown at enemies...Then I'm going to throw her....because someone else can do the thinking...I do the hitting.

We could try it the opposite way but I cringe imagining the results

Crash

Quote from: Chulanowa on May 14, 2017, 01:14:21 AM
Just the Aasimar and Goliath. I like the other races, but I think between the PHB and SCAG, plus the Genasi, I'd say we have plenty.

No worries.  Deep Gnome is in SCAG so I am good.

"Sorry, you must survive at least 3 games with me before we can chat like this."
Congratulations, you've unlocked Flirtatious Crash! - Envious

Bibliophilia

-dances.-  Gnomes, man.  We'll need some big folks to cause distractions while we win the day, though.

Rummy Tum Tum

Hmm...I wonder if it's possible to be an Air Genasi who was a bit of a black sheep because they draw power from Phoenix Sorcery. I also wonder if this opens up the possibility for a badass moment involving them becoming a whirlwind of fiery death... somehow

Kathyan

Quote from: Doomblade403xxx on May 14, 2017, 01:16:14 AM
Maybe we could be siblings.

And I promise I will not throw the halfling at enemies....unless she asks to be thrown at enemies...Then I'm going to throw her....because someone else can do the thinking...I do the hitting.

We could try it the opposite way but I cringe imagining the results
Oh how... how disgusting! why would anyone would like to solve their problems fighting when we can all just sit and talk with a nice bottle of wine and some fine elvish biscuits, sigh... it just... just... enrages me sooooo much.  ;D

Guess yeah they could be siblings (note I'm not a big fan of incest by the way) or otherwise related somehow.

On a side note I have always wanted to use polysyllabic words that convey the impression of great erudition. but I don't know if I will be able to do so with English not being my first language :P but guess I could still try.


Also Chula I haven't checked either other barbarian path and it may be still early to think about level 3 but would it be possible for a nondwarf to take the path of the Battlerager?

But I still havent checked the Mystic though so that possibility is not discarded yet

Chulanowa

If you were raised by dwarves, or are like the dwarf version of an otaku?  ;D

That said, I love dwarves. every game needs more dwarves.

Doomblade403xxx

Quote from: Kathyan on May 14, 2017, 01:40:40 AM
Oh how... how disgusting! why would anyone would like to solve their problems fighting when we can all just sit and talk with a nice bottle of wine and some fine elvish biscuits, sigh... it just... just... enrages me sooooo much.  ;D

Guess yeah they could be siblings (note I'm not a big fan of incest by the way) or otherwise related somehow.

On a side note I have always wanted to use polysyllabic words that convey the impression of great erudition. but I don't know if I will be able to do so with English not being my first language :P but guess I could still try.


Also Chula I haven't checked either other barbarian path and it may be still early to think about level 3 but would it be possible for a nondwarf to take the path of the Battlerager?

But I still havent checked the Mystic though so that possibility is not discarded yet

Yeah this game seems a little less sexy and a little more classic RPG dungeons and dragons. I wasn't rolling up a character to do anything cept play D&D for the most part. The gm can correct me if I'm wrong on that sentiment. I'm likely going to go the route of some islander barbarian who was captured by slavers and sold to the Zhents to fight in the pits. Escaped and have been living off the land and doing some minor adventuring till he applies at Aquisitions Incorporated.

So we don't have to be related, or could be, whatever you like.

Chulanowa

Yeah, there's no intentions of a "smut game" here. If PC's want to bang, hey, that's cool, but it's not my, ahem, thrust;D

The idea is the trials and travails of a group of no-name low-levels trying to make something of themselves beyond killing rats in Old Man Warple's basement. Only to find that Old Man Warple has a monthly extermination plan with Acquisitions Incorporated. And instead of rats it's like, smuggled ents or some shit, I don't know.