I am not sure if this is the place to put this but...here goes?I have managed to find some pretty fucking amazing partners over my time on Elliquiy. Like wow...some of my partners I am in awe that they really enjoy playing with me because I sort of feel like a bit of a fraud.
I have had a partner message me and the way they approached me with the start off of the PM saying."I know you are probably busy and have rps offered all the time..." And I was like...uhh....well...sometimes sort of...maybe? I mean I am always surprised when someone seems to think they need to approach me with some sort of awe or wide eyes. It sort of makes me feel a bit weird because in real time I am just sort of a dork who likes writing and half the time I am fumbling for words when I speak out loud. I am terrible at speaking to people and "net working." I suck at advertising myself and I sort of am always in awe when someone could trust me to dominate them.
I dunno if this is odd for other people playing online. I help run a game but I always sort of think..wow OK some of the players are looking to me to run a scene...I took over a game in IRC a few years ago that actually grew pretty big and lasted for over a year, It all started because I was asked to run a small scene...and then more people wanted to join...and before I knew it I had like 6 or 7 people asking to run this and that for them.
So its not that I am happy about people enjoying my writing and it does make me feel good..yay..although I am not for everyone...but..I also feel strange when someone approaches me to say"I saw your profile and i think that you would be a perfect fit for..(insert role here) Which sort of blows my mind...does this happen to anyone else that sort of feels like how do people see me good at writing when sometimes I can barely string together a proper sentence in real life.
At work I will stumble over words at times on my calls but fortunately most will laugh when i stop and then go "OK sorry I can't talk today...lets try that again."And I feel good that people feel comfortable talking to me and all but I guess I worry that I will not live up to someones expectations at times. I don't always believe when I jokingly say to someone."Well of course...I am awesome! Or whoot I rock!" So...I guess that's my secret..I can act confident sometimes and put people at ease sometimes...but I sort of wonder if I am doing a bad thing by sort of faking it to people being confident at giving advice and inside I am going."oh god! I want to help them...but what if i say something wrong...shit shit shit..they need someone there for them..but what if I don't do it right.."
Sometimes I will give the grr rarrr verbal bitch slaps to people...and i do believe in them..I always offer a choice when asked for advice..do you want a fluffy answer or honest...I have lost people talking to me sometimes by being honest...brutally honest sometimes...but also some..have thanked me later...so..is this weird? Dominants...subs....male..female or trans? Anyone?...Am I just really weird feeling this?
(also small side note that elliquiy spell check thinks we spell it wrong..it thinks I am trying to say liquidity.)