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Author Topic: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?  (Read 1860 times)

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Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« on: June 26, 2013, 08:30:36 PM »
Or am I even making a good decision in the first place?

My mom is an alcoholic. But her mother (my grandma) is in complete denial. She claims that my mother is only drinking because my brother and I don't give her enough love and respect.

I ask back "How can I respect someone who doesn't respect herself? Or even respect me? She calls me names on a daily basis, and tells me what a horrible person I am."

Her response? "Your mother would never do that!" In my head, I'm thinking "Bitch, what the fuck do you know? You don't live with her, and you only hear HER side of the story!" My mom cries to her all the time "Boo hoo. My kids hate me. They don't love me. They don't want me here. Boo FUCKING hoo..."

You know what? I DON'T love you, mom. At least, not the you that I know right now. I miss the old you. I hate being lied to, I hate being talked to like I'm an idiot, I hate being called names, I hate everything you do. Today was your son's birthday. What did you get him? Nothing. Did you even wish him a happy birthday? NO!

And you wonder why we don't want you in the house. You wonder why we want you gone...

I don't answer the phone when my grandma calls. I don't want to speak to her. But I love her. I feel guilty about not taking her calls. But I don't like the way she speaks to me. She's an enabler, she's in denial, and she has some form of dementia or Alzheimer's...

I love her, I really do. But she needs to wake up and get real. Her daughter isn't the little angel she claims to be, and it's not all our fault like she makes it out to be.

I feel like I'm making a decision that is good for me, but... Why do I feel so guilty about it? Why do I still feel like it's my fault? I'm so frustrated... I don't know what to do anymore.

Offline Beguile's Mistress

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2013, 08:38:20 PM »
You can only take care of yourself.  You must take care of yourself. 

One of the most difficult things to do is turn your back on someone you love because you need to put yourself first.  You must put yourself first.  You must acknowledge the fact that your mother isn't going to change and neither will your grandmother.  Don't listen to either of them.

Who takes care of you?  You.  Who looks out for you?  You. 

No one can help your mother except your mother.

Do what is best for you before you do anything else.  There is a reason airlines tell passengers to put on their own oxygen mask first before helping others.


Offline Oniya

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2013, 09:00:33 PM »
There is a reason airlines tell passengers to put on their own oxygen mask first before helping others.

This.  Along with 'Don't jump in the water to save a drowning person if you can possibly avoid it.' 

The Alzheimers probably also has your grandma in a state of clinging to the memories she still has - which may be more distant, and possibly before your mother hit the stage she's in now.  This doesn't mean that your grandma should talk you out of what you're doing, though. 

Your mother needs medical help, but if she won't take that, you and your brother deserve to look out for your own health and well-being.

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2013, 09:26:48 PM »
Along with 'Don't jump in the water to save a drowning person if you can possibly avoid it.' 
I prefer "sometimes you gotta hurt them to help them" sometimes you can save a drowning person by punching them. Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe if the OP could show an example of what's bad about the situation-even if it means being offensive-people sometimes respond to that. They might not be happy but they usually respect the clarity of an honest person.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2013, 09:38:04 PM »
There's a reason that the lifeguard-method of swimming with a rescued person has you behind them and restraining their arms...  I suspect that pressure in juuuust the right spot...  *cough*

Anyways.

Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe if the OP could show an example of what's bad about the situation-even if it means being offensive-people sometimes respond to that.

It's possible (for example, 'butt-dialing' someone while mom is ranting), but when you're dealing with someone whose short-term memory is starting to go, there's the risk that they won't remember that example for very long.  :-\  If grandma was mens sana, it might work, but it's risky when you factor in the Alzheimers.

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2013, 10:04:57 PM »
We've tried videotaping her and showing her when she's sober. But she gives us the same sob story every time. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you guys. I don't like being this way." etc, etc. It's the same bullshit every time.

She even does the same thing with the police. That's why she's never gone to jail when she gets caught. I have no faith in the justice system.

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2013, 10:20:04 PM »
Have you ever insisted on pressing charges against her?

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2013, 10:23:46 PM »
Have you ever insisted on pressing charges against her?

I wouldn't know what to press charges for. Legally, I'm an adult. So it's not like I could get a PFA against her like when I was in high school so she could get removed from the house.

Other than staging an assault on myself when she's drunk, I don't know what to do...

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2013, 07:16:49 AM »
Well, my dad tried to shoot me, and my grand parents didn't believe me. For a while at least. Your grandma may be too far gone to realize it but the enabling behavior is often made worse by bringing attention to it. I wish I knew how to help your situation. All I can say is that I feel no personal guilt about anyone who makes me mad enough to say that I hate them. I might not hate them later. But I truly did when I said it. I don't know, to each their own I guess, but I don't think you've done anything wrong out of all the stuff you're telling us.

Staging an assault would be bad though, because that sort of thing always comes back on you.

Online Oreo

Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2013, 03:51:57 PM »
We've tried videotaping her and showing her when she's sober. But she gives us the same sob story every time. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you guys. I don't like being this way." etc, etc. It's the same bullshit every time.

She even does the same thing with the police. That's why she's never gone to jail when she gets caught. I have no faith in the justice system.
The time to catch her is at the point when she says she is sorry. If she is truly sorry she will go to AA and begin a treatment for recovery. If she doesn't like being that way tell her she is the one that needs to make an effort to change. If she is not willing to make an effort, she should quit saying she is sorry.

The common thread of any addiction is the person fails to see the harm they are causing others. They are lost in their own self interest. Nothing can bring them out of it unless they truly want to change themselves.

You have nothing to feel guilty over. I wish I could offer more help. I had my fair share of abuse and know the effect it has on you.

Is there any way you and your brother can leave? :-\

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2013, 03:53:29 PM »
True dat. It took my dad DWI#1 to go to AA.

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2013, 04:47:45 PM »
The time to catch her is at the point when she says she is sorry. If she is truly sorry she will go to AA and begin a treatment for recovery. If she doesn't like being that way tell her she is the one that needs to make an effort to change. If she is not willing to make an effort, she should quit saying she is sorry.

I wish I had seen this right before she wanted to "talk" to me. lol I could have told her that, word for word.

The common thread of any addiction is the person fails to see the harm they are causing others. They are lost in their own self interest. Nothing can bring them out of it unless they truly want to change themselves.

I've wondered if she would finally get the message if I decided to kill myself. But then I thought about all the people that would hurt, and I just couldn't do it.

You have nothing to feel guilty over. I wish I could offer more help. I had my fair share of abuse and know the effect it has on you.

Is there any way you and your brother can leave? :-\

I'm sorry you understand what I'm going through. Though, at the same time, I feel grateful that someone knows how I feel. I wish my brother and I could leave, but he has a part-time job and I'm unemployed at the moment. (Still having PTSD going out since the car crash.)

I'd love to get a place with my dad and brother, but that opens up a whole other can of worms with me. "Where's mom going to stay? I don't want her to live out on the streets. What if she dies?" And I know I shouldn't worry about her, but she's my mom and I still love her. Well, the part of her that I remember at least.

True dat. It took my dad DWI#1 to go to AA.

Mom's got more than one. (Two or three, maybe?) She's gone to AA before, but it just seems like words have no effect on her. I thought that maybe if I stopped talking to her, and kept to myself for as long as possible, she would get the message. But I don't think that's working either.

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #12 on: June 27, 2013, 05:16:32 PM »
Well, shutting yourself off will provoke that fight you wanted. That's why my dad tried to shoot me. I just didn't respond to anything he did or said one night.

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2013, 05:17:55 PM »
"Wanted" was a bad choice of words on my part. What I meant was that it will provoke the fight you were asking about earlier.

Online Oreo

Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2013, 05:30:53 PM »
Sometimes tough love is all that is left to us. I know my son was having trouble getting his stepson to find a job. All he wanted to do was sit in his room, in the dark and play video games. After a half year of warnings, my son took the boy (on his 18th birthday) to the homeless shelter and dropped him off. Told him he was free to come home as soon as he got a job.

Two months later, the stepson was home, helping to clean the house, had a job and said that was the best thing his parents had ever done for him. Big wake up call.

It's one thing to be at home taking care of a parent that just had open heart surgery or something of the like, but quite another to have to be responsible for an addict.

My two cents would be to watch out for your brother. Take him and go to your dad. It's a hard choice. By staying with mom she is being enabled to stay drunk, you and your brother are being hurt to the point of self harm. This is not a desirable situation. All the hope you and your brother have wont wake mom up.

*hugs* Wanting what is best for YOU!

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2013, 06:02:17 PM »
Wow that's pretty amazing. I am glad my parents didn't do that to me. I had a job for a 14 months before my disability got me  canned. I guess my situation is different though. Dad didn't think it was. That's probably part of the reason he tried to shoot me. Thought if he didn't he'd have to take care of me all his life. He might not have been wrong on account of what's happened, but he sure had a bad way of showing it. I agree wholeheartedly though that the only possibility of your mother straightening up is if she is made to not be a liar about how you kids are abandoning her or whatever. Basically, showing her how it could go down is probably going to be more helpful for her than just sitting there taking her shit. That way no one can enable her but her.

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2013, 10:30:30 PM »
Again, I feel guilty about saying no to my mom.

We have no working A/C anymore, so my brother dad and I all have window units for our rooms. We paid for them ourselves, or got them for free as a gift. Whatever the case may be.

My mom called the police on me tonight because she was angry that I wouldn't give her her car key. Luckily, pretty much all the police in the area have been to our house at one point or another. They might as well just live next door with how often we have to call them. Anyway, the police were on my side and told me that I did the right thing. And if there were anymore problems, just give them a call.

A bit later, my mom comes knocking on my door. She wants to come in and sit in the A/C because she's hot. I said no. Why should I be nice to her when she's just gonna call me a bitch or an asshole later? She said "I won't. I've never said that." That right there is a fucking bold faced LIE!

But, why do I feel so guilty about saying no to my mom? I love her, but can't stand to see her the way she is. I know the mom I used to know is still there somewhere... I miss her. Talking about this just puts me in tears every fucking time, because I don't think things will ever go back to the way they were before...

I can barely see what I'm typing now because I'm so upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, and every other negative emotion someone can feel all at once.

Offline kckolbe

Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #17 on: July 04, 2013, 12:21:31 PM »
It's natural to feel guilt.  Someone close to you is hurting.  This is harder for you because you aren't as selfish as she is.  Don't hurt yourself.  It won't make her feel guilty...not for long.  Just get some distance.  Get away from her, and keep your brother with you.  Cut off contact.  Leave a note saying that until she gets help you can't be around her.  I say a note because it needs to be something she can see without twisting the words later in her memory.

Speaking of memory, don't try to get your grandmother on your side.  It won't help anything, and will only make life harder for someone already having a rough time (nothing scares me more than Alzheimer's). 


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Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2013, 03:58:20 PM »
I'm not trying to be indelicate, but it seems that your continued presence is fueling the fire. You're not directly enabling her, or at least not that I can tell from the posts you've made so far, but you being there and you reacting in this way in the general public is probably what helps her be such a bitch to you (because you're probably reacting in a similarly volatile manner in her presence). You have every right to react that way, but it seems to be proving counterproductive. You leaving would give you some measure of controlling how much exposure you get to her drinking. If you're/she's only around during hours of sobriety (inasmuch as that's possible, it was not so easy for me with my dad for quite some time) the situation becomes a lot more civil.

Offline Narmondur

Re: Why do I feel guilty about making a good desicion?
« Reply #19 on: July 07, 2013, 07:45:46 AM »
It sounds your situation is much like mine, the only difference being that my mother doesn't use alcohol: She's a manipulative bitch even when sober.

Okay, I started from the middle. I turn twenty on 26Th of this month and I have cerebral palsy, causing me to be unable to walk properly and without support. For eighteen years my mother was abusive both physically and mentally. She called me names, kicked, slapped and shoved me around and all in all made sure I understood that I would never accomplish anything and I overall sucked as a human being. I too loved her, afterall, she is my mom and I am supposed to love her. I blamed myself every time she got mad, I thought it was my fault. Almost every fight started because I couldn't do an exercise she wanted me to do (she had devised these exercises herself and she has no education to qualify her to that) or I didn't sit straight. Yeah, shocking. I never knew that not sitting straight would deny me a place to study, a job and overall happiness in life. *rolleyes*

But like I said, at the time I thought it was my fault, that everything was my fault. Then finally I had enough. My mom and my dad had had a divorce with me at a very young age, and I visited my dad every other weekend. One of the usual morning fights broke out on Friday morning and I left to school with my mom waving the finger at me through the window of the taxi. The fight continued as I got back home and didn't settle before I left for my dad, so I decided to not come back. I was lucky. If the fight happened on Thursday, I would have lacked the courage to not go back. I would have again thought that it was my fault, that I'm a bad son who causes stress for his mom and I had no right to complain.

After living with my dad's new family for two years now, I've figured out that all the hardships were not my fault. My mother excelled at dodging responsibility. When he tossed my phone across the house, shattering it to pieces, she didn't think she had done anything wrong. Every time she kicked or slapped me, she didn't think she hadn't done anything wrong. She knew how to manipulate me into thinking the same, heck, she almost got me to not press charges on assault against her.

After this lengthy explanation, I hope you can understand the next words better. You shouldn't feel responsible of your mother. You shouldn't be worrying of what happens to her if you leave. You have enough problems as it is. You shouldn't feel that because she's your mother you should forgive him, or take the bullshit she throws your way. Same goes for your grandma. There's a limit you should tolerate even from a sick person, and since she clearly has chosen her side, consciously or not, you should take a firm stand on your own.

You are an adult and no one has the right to call you names or talk to you like you were an idiot. You've tried to help them both, you've tried to make them see and that is as far as you can and should go. Leave, and don't feel guilty. Out of my past experience, that is precisely what your mother wants. He wants you to feel guilty so you keep coming back and she can make herself feel better by being an asshole towards you. Make no mistake, mothers are experts at mindfucking their children and will not hesitate on using that skill.

 Not everyone should be a parent, being a parent does not absolve one of all the bullshit one brings to this world, and when a person is like that, her being your mother is no excuse. Leave and live your own life. You have no responsibility over your mother.