Unfortunetly, bullying through facebook, and even through tumblr and other sites, especially being an anon, has become somewhat of a cool fad at the moment.
And I have to say, so has this cue card facebook thing. You only ever heard about the girls and guys that killed themselves after doing a video like that.
A girl that recent killed herself here in australia got a lot of publicity because of her video like that, and she had a lot of mental health issues on the side of depression as well, but all I can remember is the fact that she use to bully me and others. Im sick of seeing her name everywhere.
And more then that, I'm sick of 'my friends' mourning her, when they didn't even use to like her, but they did know exactly what she did to me. Its horrible yes, horrible that she reached that point and that anons caused her to try again, and she suceeded. I wish she'd never been through psychosis, I wish she'd never been miserable, and I wish she wasn't dead, even as much as I hate her, I wish that.
But I just cant find it in my heart to be sad for someone who was part of the reason id wanted to die previously, for someone who had actually told me I'd be better off alone and to get away because I was toxic.
Im sorry for her family, but I cant be sorry for her. And I hate myself for that.
I hate the way that even bullying and suicide and even self harm has a steyro type now. Steryotypes should not apply to stuff like this. Never. This is widespread yes, but it shouldn't be common, and it shouldn't be a fad.
And all I can think about is the fact that because I won't do a video like that, I've been told by a lot of people I'm a nobody and when I kill myself I'll just end up forgotten. And its true. I'll just be another statistic. Her and those like her will have their face plasted over TV's and newspapers and the internet, and I'll be forgotten, I know it. I'm already being forgotten by people I know now, people who use to mean everything to me, who still do, and I'm still alive, and so are they, and they've forgotten me. So how much worse will it be when I'm dead?
The above was in responce to a conversation happening in the Things that Make you feel negitive in some form of fashion thread, where we were talking about how bad people abuse others with words, even over the internet, and how much more we are hearing about suicide and cue card you tube vids because of it.
It also however ties in very nicely to my topic about loniless.
Loniless is a killer. It really is. When you reach the point where you know, whether that knoweldge is real or percieved, as it is often impossible to tell, that no one cares about you, that no one misses you. That no one would notice if you suddenly werent there. But its just as bad knowing that you dont have anyone to reach out to, that you spend your weekends alone because everyone else is busy with better people then you, that there will never be anyone to love or desire you, no matter how much love you have to give out to the world.
Okay... Im feeling a bit numb at the moment. Shits been happening and all that. And its hard to talk about loniless when you're too numb to actually feel lonely at the moment. I'm doing this by memory, not by emotion.
One of the worst things with loniless for me was not realising just how lonely I really was. As a child I had convinced myself that I wasn't worth anything, that I didn't deserve to have friends, and that I was okay with that. I wasn't okay when my old friends became my tormenters though, and when people were taken from my by lies and deception. I wasn't okay for the first two weeks of school, being the only person with no one, sitting there alone in the middle of the junior school area, with a book, because it was the only friend I had. I wasn't really okay with my mother and others convincing everyone that I hated to be touched, when really on the inside I was screaming for affection, but I was conditioned to think they were right so I pushed everyone away.
I'm not okay with my ten year friend abandoning me. (Fuck, now I feel it, now I'm crying). I'm not okay with him assuring me he's still there, and then turning his back on me, week after week after week after week. Im NOT okay with him telling my 'sister' that hes glad he talks to her because she's the only person he can talk honestly with. What about me? I use to be that person. I'm the one who helped him through school and depression. I was that person until he abandoned me. He never talks to me until I remind him that he hasn't in six months. He has everyone now. And I have no one. He assossiates with those who bully me and doesn't see anything wrong with it. And I keep thinking that if I've lost him, everyone else is just waiting to follow.
I want to scream at him, and tell him how much I hate him for abandoning me and leaving me alone, again, and i want to hit him and hurt him and do to him what he did to me. But I cant. Instead I just get to suffer. And cry, again.
Loniless is thinking that others are better then you, no matter how many more flaws and pains they have. Loniless is being sure that your 'friends' hate you and dont want to be with you. Its thinking you're a burden and an annoyance, a monster and a freak, and that you'll never have anyone, no matter how many times one person or a hundred people pull you back from the brink and hold you hand and whisper how much they love you and need you. Loniless isn't a physical situation. Loniless is mental and that makes it a million times harder to deal with.
And when you're lonely you know you'll be forgotten.
Its one of the only things I'm scared of....
(again, when im more stable I may come back and comment on this, clean it up. Having a break down in the middle of it all didn't help the flow and consistancy of it at all I'm sure.)