A heart's desire

[AngelicFaith]

Alright, so here it goes. I'm not quite sure how to start this, so I'm just going to start by telling what exactly my heart's desire is.

Ever since I was a young girl, I knew that I wanted to be a mother later, that I wanted to have a child (or more). Now that I am older, that desire to have a child is only growing stronger.

There is only one problem: I have Turner Syndrome.
Turner syndrome basically comes down to the fact that I was born with one chromosome less than 'normal' people. Because of that, my body doesn't make enough growth hormone, causing me to remain pretty small (1.48 m small). It can also cause other deviations, but luckily I don't suffer from that.

There is one important deviation that does affect me though: infertility. Normally (like 99%) women with Turner syndrome are incapable of getting pregnant due to the fact that their reproduction organs remain immature.

I am one of the lucky few who's reproduction organs have fully grown. Yet that didn't necessarily mean that I was fertile. So about a year ago I decided to finally undergo some tests to see if I was indeed capable of having children of my own. The results were positive: chances that I would get pregnant if I had sexual intercourse without protection were pretty good. There was also some bad news though: I already didn't have as many eggs left as I should have at my age. This means that my reserves were already on the low side. So I didn't have many more years left in which I would be able to get pregnant.

Seeing I am still pretty young (24 at the moment) and that I am still a college student going for my second Bachelor degree, they adviced me to have some of my eggs extract from me to freeze them in. This way I  would have a plan B in case I couldn't get pregnant anymore by the time I wanted to (read: when timing would be better).

I decided to wait a little and let it all sink in first. In the meantime we are one year later. I have made an appointment to get more information about the procedure and to see when they will start. But right now I'm scared it's already too late, that I waited too long. The past three times, my period has been off, while they have always been the same for several years now. This kind of worries me, alright, it worries me a lot. I'm just scared that they might not be able anymore to extract some eggs to have them freeze in, I'm scared that maybe I'll only have like half a year or a year left to have children. I'm scared that I won't be able to have children after all.

But I'm also angry with myself, angry at the fact that I waited this long to take action. Angry, because I knew I didn't have much time left. Yet I never thought that I would have less than a year left. And I've just turned 24, I should not have to lose my fertility at the age of 24.

My appointment is next Tuesday, and I'm trying real hard to keep hope. But I don't want that hope to be shattered. I'm afraid it might break me...

I'm scared...

[Beguile's Mistress]

You are where you are in your life and you can't change that.  Accept the fact and don't give up hope.  Your worrying can be affecting you physically.  That does through you cycle off.  Other factors can do that, too.  Your appointment is on Tuesday and you'll have your answers then.  Until then keep happy thoughts, pamper yourself and hope for the best and the strength to accept whatever comes your way.

Also, anger is a very self destructive emotion.  There is nothing to forgive.

[yugi006]

That totally sucks. Hope everything works out and good luck with your appointment.

[Morrowclaw]

You must have hope above all else, no matter what, you keep that hope and hold onto it like it's a part of you. I'll be sending you some of my hope, encouragement and plenty of hugs and while we've never even spoken or messages each other before. I'm still going to try and push you forward as hard as I can. The only thing worse than having your hope broken is never having any hope at all.

Good luck and update us soon.

[AngelicFaith]

Alright, time to post here again.

First of all I want to thank Beguile's Mistress, yugi and jcsimpson for your kind words. Thank you. Just knowing there are people out there who care helps a lot.

And now on to the update itself.

So far, everything still seems to be in order. It seems I am still fertile for now. How much longer that will last? Well, there is no one who can tell me. The only thing that they keep telling me is that now is the moment if I want to get pregnant naturally. Reading between the lines that means I won't have too much longer.

So basically nothing has really changed.

Nothing, except for my mother's instinct. The desire to become pregnant, to start a family, to have a child is becoming stronger and stronger. So strong even, that it seems to get in the way of my college. How so? Well, because my mind is almost always thinking about it, thinking about having a child. It causes me to not be able to focus completely on my studies and internship anymore.

I know that isn't a good thing, I shouldn't let my life be controlled by something like that, but it's important to me, it's something I want so badly. I just know I want to be a mother.

The fact that my love wants it just as much doesn't really help either. How so, you're asking? Well, of course it's amazing that he wants it as well, but it really makes it harder not to give in to our wish. Many times now we have talked about just going for it, but we never took the step. I guess we're just too scared, or maybe I'm the one who is too scared.

I'm scared that I might have miscarriages, or that I won't get pregnant at all after all, or that my child will be handicapped... All of those possibilities are real for me, much more real than they should be for someone my age. I'm still young after all. But it's only logical, seeing I have a 'handicap' as well, I have a chromosomal distorder.

So what now?

Well, I am most likely going to quit my internship and start searching for a job. Once I found a job, I'm going to quit college. I want to start my life. Once I have work, I can look for an apartment, and once I have that, well... when I have a job and an apartment, it would be time to start trying for that family I want so much.

Yes, I have decided to finally make work of it. If I want it, then I just have to make it so that I can. And if everything goes well, well... then maybe next year I'll be pregnant.

Pretty exciting!