A quick background to this story:
I was searching through my computer for something to post year in hopes of showing my best writing. This is not my best writing, but it's certainly one of my more passionate works. It's actually a journal entry, making it the perfect soliloquy.
The general plot is girl gets in fight with ex-lover over the new boyfriend. This is her response after the ex-lover walks out and slams the door.
Regardless of what you say, I know what love is. I won't say I hope you loved me, because I know you loved me. But you must not have loved me as much as I loved you. I think the world got to you before I did.
There's something called the First Love Syndrome, and for that, I know what true love is. It wasn't marred by a jaded perspective; it wasn't brutalized by arguments and abuse. It was pure, it was unconditional, and it was tender. I'm not talking about what I felt from you, but what I felt for you. For once in my life, I was irrational. And it felt good.
Is it so hard to ask that you trust me? I know my own body, and I know what I felt. Butterflies. Even half a year later, and you still caught me by surprise. Maybe you don't remember, but we had a connection like no other. A friendship stronger than...
What can I say? Frodo and Sam. An old married couple. Tommy Pickles and Chuckie Finster. Before there were any feelings there were years of a bond of friendship. We could finish each other's sentences. You knew what I wanted. I knew what you were thinking. There was trust. That's the best basis of a relationship. Unfortunately, a girl can only date so many best friends before she has none to support her as regular friends.
What I have now is love, but it isn't that irrational love. Don't get me wrong--on some days I'm flying high, I'm head over heels, and I'm happy. But that irrationality is gone. The worries of the natural world creep in on fantasy. Reality takes over and I find my relationship...in the now.
One of these days, I'm going to find someone that takes me back to the days of childhood, and there's going to be that touch of fantasy, the romance of an endless dreamer. It's just that, even when irrational, a woman needs stability. She needs a man with an idea of where he's going and something to his name.
That's just what I'm lacking right now: a sturdy rock. He loves me and we have the love of a romantic comedy, but we don't have enough years under our belts. We need to go our own ways. I can't steer him down any paths--he needs to find out where he's going for himself. We both need to meet more people, fall in love and see what else there is in store, over and over again. The both of us need to grow up. If this were the future, I'd consider staying with him, but right now, neither of us can risk staying together and missing out on the rest of the world. We're too young to stop.
I have to admit, sometimes, I am a little irrational when I'm with him. However, when reality comes back, I jump. I don't know when to go my own way, and it kills me. The chaos I drag around with me, my panic attacks, all those times I feel weak, it's only because I love him and it confuses me. It kills me that our timing wasn't right.
When I'm fully irrational, you and I won't fight over my relationships anymore. I'll be too lost in it all to bother. But thanks for getting into a fight with me. Now I know what I want in my life... And it's not him.