Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

Redbeard didn't move and I spun my finger again in the air, "Turn please," Redbeard just laughed and then took off leaving me in a cloud of dirt. *cough cough*

"You are forgetting something, " I yell out, hand covering my mouth so nothing rock or pebble like flies into it. Don't need that at all. Rocks and pebbles are not friendly chew things, while filling thy all go to the hips and blah. The whole you shouldn't go swimming thirty minutes after eating is extended to like hours when pebbles and rocks are added. Then there is all of the screaming, no thank you i will pass on that.

Of course Redbeard didn't stop or anything, not even a comment or a unfriendly hand gesture that would be censored.

"Why are you pointing up? Are you pointing up to the cloud? It looks sort of like a turtle on its back. Well if you stand on your head it does.... No? Wait that isn't your pointer finger that is your...." *gasp*

"That is uncalled for!"

Fine the race is back on, I look towards Weiner and he gives me a nod, "Let's go." With a hop and a skip I find myself back up on Wiener. All of the between stuff cut out for sake of words.

"Let's catch us a hill," I say hunkering down, Weiner oinked and BOOM we are off.

"Let's finish this....."

[Catherine]

In seconds Weiner and myself went from zero to wooooooooooohhhh..... I thought we were fast before and at the moment I think we were going faster. Light speed. Phpht!  I think we left light behind and that is hard to do since that is everywhere. I mean just look around and you will see light, even when it isn't there it is hiding somewhere. Hmmmm.... Like right over there. *point*  I see you over there light, you can't hide with all of your shining and glimmering and doing that blinding thing in my eyes. I am not sure how you do any of that behind my stylish sunglasses.

I tried to tell Weiner to slow down but my words were left behind somewhere. Sometime later some cannon creature will hear me tell it to slow down and wonder why someone called it Weiner.  It's stomach will grumble and it will get hungry for Weiners which it will have a hard time finding since Weiners are not Norse cannon. They are more turkey leg or whole hog....boar eaters.

"Grunt, why would I eat a dog for? I have a perfectly good turkey leg here.... why is the dog hot? We are Norse.... hot only exists near or in a fire or ragnarok or hot coals when you eat them."

*Roll eyes *

Stupid inner dialog of the Norse kind.

Somewhere, sometime I think we passed the hill with a wahoooo and corkscrew , the last part because I was holding on and not trying to control Weiner. I am not sure if he was controlling either we were just going. Going so fast that we passed a group of elves and we yanked them off their feet. Behind us we could heard, "Oh my", "by the goddess", "ow" and other things as the elves got dragged behind us like those cans behind a car in a wedding.

I could see the end of the race approaching and I turned back, "I think someone is going to lose....." Then stuck the tongue out at the proper amount to emphasize but not enough to catch bugs on my tongue. Like that has people create crafts and she takes credit says, "That is a good thing."

[Catherine]

Rubbing things in never pays off, just letting you know stuck in a freeze frame of Weiner and myself toppling over after someone stuck his foot it and tripped us.

There we were minding our own business after a gloat and a ha ha just a distance away from the finish line. I mean look *point* the finish line is right there and look where we are are at. Not that far away and now....

Something whispered to me, I am thinking it was fate, in a whisper than sounded more like a cold out laugh that sounded maniacal. You know the type, Usually the evil scientist or villain does as they tell the hero after strapping  them down to a cold metallic table and showing them the business end of a laser.

"Can you take a little off the side,"the cool headed spy says confidently after the villain or scientist laughs, "eat cold hot laser!"ZAP!

The laughter caught me off guard for a moment and then yeah.... I am pretty sure I said "What do you think you are doing with that leg?"Then the whole world just went all trippy. Like head over heels trippy and not tree hugger trippy with one hand up and two fingers spread apart.

Holding on for dear life and hoping I didn't end up on the bottom of a smash between the ground and Weiner. It wouldn't end well if i did, no amount of chiropracting would fix me since I would be grapped.

I did manage to get one word out as I screamed, "CHEATER!!!!!"

[Catherine]

Did I tell you that I was holding on for my dear life. Yeah being crushed was bad but so was being thrown off and eating a tree branch or small furry animal with enough force that swallowing wasn't necessary. Just a scream and in the branch or whatever goes and one monkey girl becomes something like a hotdog on a stick, while comfortable for the hotdog it is a not so much for the monkey girl. Really bad on the back, the thirst and just about everything else. Especially if the force is greater than great and the whatever passes through said monkey girl ruining her pants.

There would be an "OW!"Followed by "Doctor!!!"Followed by a lot of crying. The crying would be made worst because have you see the Norse cannon clothing, more specifically what it is made of? It looks rough like burlap and burlap isn't nice on the skin, it exfoliates and takes off skin at the same time. Like sandpaper but with no sand or style.

While burlap has its purposes, like carrying potatoes. I am not a potato. They can be used for hunting snipes in the dark. The whole light coming through the whole burlap thing mesmerizes the snipes and they are lured in. Don't ask me why, that is the last thing I would be doing with burlap.

"Oh look burlap with light shining through it. It is so pretty... silly light I am coming to get you. You are so soft and the burlap is so rough. Polar opposites are just so.... twinkle twinkle little lights how you dance in the bag."

*ninja girl tip - don't try to rhyme when flipping in the air. It just doesn't work and you have better things to think about. Like not being grapped!*

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh......

OINK!

"Sorry I will stop screaming in your ear", I tell Weiner. Turning away I whisper ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh as we continue to do the uncontrolled tumble thanks to being tripled thing.

[Catherine]

I am surrounded by darkness and I kick the air with one leg, immediately waking up when I do, "What in the world did I just do?" Curious I kick the air a couple times like I just caught myself doing, did I get hurt in the squishing and I experienced a muscle twitch or something like that.

That is when I heard the laughter, "I knew you were a kitty?"

*set eyes to stare with a fifty percent squint*

"I am not a cat girl!" I say with some volume, "monkey girl... say it with me, mmmoooonnnnnkkkkkeeeeeyyyyy."

I could see Redbeard nod, finally he understands and then he opens his mouth and says the three letter word plus girl. The little volcano inside of me starts to rumble and just about to explode when I put the symbol of Wait a moment up, one index finger up and that is all.

"This is not going to go anywhere. You are fixated on cats for some reason, possibly an unhealthy one too." I look around for a moment to see if my... hey Bananas see there was no cats around!

I nod once and turn towards The hill, " I have all of the evidence now. They will take the win from you. You will be laughed at ha ha and have the book thrown at you. You see if I am wearing the right imaginary hat I am a detective and I wouldn't blow my own imaginary black licorice pipe but I am a good detective, just as a non canon one here maybe, just saying." 

*smile and finger gun with one of those light flares.*

Bang.

With one foot in front of the other I slowly walk around Redbeard, "Tell us where are all of the cats. Tell me why you do  insist on me being a cat girl," I climb up the hill and take him by the collar, "Tell me! I can handle the truth..."

I instantly regretted the whole climbing and closeness thing, should have given it more thought.

"we both know, I just need to hear it coming from you..."

[Catherine]

I would say what I was smelling was foul but that would have been nice and also mean on the word foul. What is up with people and bad breaths? Is there a secret rule or something that says it is good to have a breath that can wilt steel? I cough and that wasn't good, more foul in my mouth and if only something fowl with feathers would fly in... breather from the foul.

"Can you maybe turn that down?"

Gasping, my tail wipes the tears from my face. Oh my monkey this is bad. What side is this? Can't be mustard since that is taken. Pepper is taken too. Salt? Oh no... it has to be something that burns and smells. Something that makes you cry "Why???” When you smell, taste and even see it.

"Tell me please...." I beg, for a moment I consider shaking Redbeard but I don't want to loosen any more scents or smells.

"Come on.... maybe inhale."

I think any fine body hairs I had were burning off, not that I had that many. Maybe two or three.

"Please.... I forgot to pack a gas mask and mints are scared of your breath."

Nothing. I even begged and no way am I going to give the hill puppy dog eyes because they would be red and watering.

I let go with one hand and try one last thing, ball fist against chest technique pathetic attempt style. Pathetic thump followed by "just admit to it before I..."

Too late.... adorable pass out while still holding on because there would be no way I fall from the height I was at without proper safety equipment.

[Catherine]

"Oh...oh my monkey," I say, waking up and defying gravity by still holding onto the hill. Hey I have a good grip, always good to have one just in case you find yourself hanging off something and there is something deadly below. Weak grip equals falling and screaming and well stuff. I can't crush a can against my forehead, thank monkey and ow that would hurt, but I can hold on for dear life. Also it is good for holding onto banana milkshakes, mmmmm banana gold.

I guess I sort of got training holding onto them come to think of it. Like one of those training things karate people did to strengthen themselves. Punch this cauldron of hot charcoals, um.... yeah I will pass and hold this nice cold banana milkshake instead. Just like training but more yummier and less third degree burns.

Hanging there I decide it was best to be the biggg..... the correctly proportioned  monkey girl in the situation and congratulate Redbeard for winning.

*cough* cheated *cough*

*cough* tripped me *cough*

Like a champ I stick my tongue out and let go. Do a perfect three point landing and this time didn't look towards the judges for scores.

"Congratulations," with my hand up rest to give Redbeard a handshake, then moist towelettes ready for right after that.

He better not have a joy buzzer either....

[Catherine]

Hand offered and my tail prepares for a zapping, wrapping a lone rubber band around itself so it was grounded or to cut off the electricity from traveling up its length. Not like the electricity will actually pay attention to the rubber band, giving it a dismissive wave and moving  on.

"Rubber band, ha! It will take more than a rubber band to stop me. Ha ha ha. What a second one?  No I am foiled..."

Not sure why electricity talks like some spy villain. At least it doesn't have a cat to pet slowly. At least I don't think it does....

Anyways hand offered to the cheater and one hand shake later I clean my hand of dirt and hill stuff.

"Good race, " I tell Redbeard as I give him an air pat, not wanting to go through too many moist towelettes at the moment. "Next time or camera replay we both know who will win"

Before the hill can answer I swing a hand up and just walk away into the sunset, tripping over something in the process but there was no way I was going to walk back and do the whole walk into the sunset again.

Race done.... time to check on autokornet.

Toss moist towelette into a handy trash can hidden by a garden gnome or a real one. Hard to tell them apart sometimes.

Confidently I stick a finger up, not that one dirty minds and test the winds.

"Going that way," I say pointing that way, "I sense the not correct in that direction"

OINK.

[Catherine]

Do you hear that? That sound, there it is..... I can hear it when I stop talking.  It isn't the drums of war, it is my teeth chattering because it is so cold here. Where is here you ask, curiosity getting the best of you since the last time you saw me I was racing down the side of a volcano trying to beat a hill. Who *cough* cheated *cough* won if you don't remember.

*monkey girl note - See the last story for the whole race. It was racilicious.*

I am here in the middle of nowhere on the side of a mountain with a lot of snow and ice and whatever those are over there.

*points off to side*

What are they again? Sherpas? Must be the cold environment breed of them. You can tell by the number of furs they are wearing if they either warm weather Sherpa or cold weather ones.

Anyways I was lead here by the bracelet that is set to locate Audokornet after visiting other ‘fun' places that are too worded to go into, also little gross that I am trying to forget. I mean the lost monkey tribes of the Amazon was just ick. I mean I am not sure where they learned that flinging poo was acceptable for anything.

"Hi, my name is Nichole Anne Marie Smith. My fr..." SPLAT!

"Hey cool, we both have tai....." SPLAT!

"Is this berry poi....l" SPLAT!

"ha ha you missed me with the la...." SPLAT!

"Grrrrrr......" SPLAT!

I learned quickly to keep my mouth closed and just nod unless I wanted to be down at the stream cleaning myself off and yeah that wasn't nice either. Not with those fish with teeth that always seemed to have those creepy smiles and ate anything and everything that fell or considered falling into the water.

Thankfully I picked up their sign language quickly which I would show you but yeah cold... Mittens are being worn because I enjoy my fingers. Maybe later around the fire, unless that is frozen, I can show you some signs. Especially the one that means "STOP THROWING POO AT ME!!!!"

Then there was the underwater kingdom, I think it was Atlantis but when I asked anyone if it was they would say "Don't know." Then swim in a circle and ask me who I am after I just told them moments before. I hate to tell anyone that if I was in Atlantis, the reason why it sunk was because of goldfish. Tons of goldfish, some with bulgy eyes and others with poofy parts that kept ramming into me.

"Sorry. Pardon me. Where did you come from?"

"I was standing here."

"No, I would have remembered that."

"Are you sure?"

"Sorry. Pardon me. Where did you come from?"

"I was...."

If it was Atlantis, it didn't sink because of gods being angry or natural disaster. It was because of one thing, goldfish.

*aluminum foil moment - what if the goldfish sunk Atlantis to take it over. Devious... no one will consider that we are the masterminds of this, we are won in carnival games! A perfect disguise!!! Mwhahaha*

Didn't stay there long. I can only hold my breath so long and the whole bends thing. Yeah..... no I am not into personal origami. Elbow ‘A’ does NOT touch back of head.

Now I am standing here under fourteen layers of clothes with my arms stuck straight out since I cannot lower them looking up the mountain. The ominous clouds at the top with random flashes of light is a good touch. Nothing says ‘stay away' or ‘this isn't the place you are looking for' like random flashes of light that I am guessing says lightning or someone going nuts with a flashlight.

"Hey, you aren't lightning. Just some guy with a flashlight. I don't think you are that scary."

THUMP!

*rub the top of head* "Ow! Fine, I am leaving. Jeez."

Time to get climbing, put one foot in front of the other and soon I will be frozen like a TV dinner.

[Catherine]

Arms out since I cannot put them down thanks to all of the layers of clothes on I make my way up the mountain. How many layers you ask, more than enough I would answer. I think I stopped counting at around twenty. I still remember the shopkeeper asking me I was sure or if I had some type of problem with my eyes and I saw only one of everything. I nodded and pointed out the window, "You see that mountain, I am climbing to the top of it to find something. You see I opened a cookie jar and something escaped."

The shopkeeper just gave me one of those looks before bursting out in laughter which got him a nasty look with crossed arms and tapping foot so he knew I was serious. He didn't see the look at first and said something about blah, blah, blah chocolate chips cookies blah blah blah soul and blah blah blah. I didn't find that funny at all since he was giving chocolate chip cookies a bad rep, they didn't need that. They are good.. in my mouth. *whistle* I gave him the proper response, a dry ha ha ha with a bored look on my face.

To stress the seriousness of the whole thing I pointed back out the window, "I am climbing up that mountain, up into those clouds and saving the world's bacon from being corrected."

Now it was the shopkeeper's time to give me the look I was just giving him.

"Look at the mountain," I said throwing my arm back again towards the window, thankfully I had done some warm-ups beforehand or I would be hurting. The shopkeepers looked past me and out of the window, "What mountain?"

"WHAT MOUNTAIN?!?!"

Was the shopkeeper mountain blind or something I mean it was clear as day. Hard to miss a mountain, it can't hide behind anything or just get up and move. Well with enough explosives it could but that is for another story and it wasn't my fault. The instructions said to use this, that and this other thing and that is what I did. Okay, I sort of was fudging the measurements here and there but no one said not too. Not my fault, poorly written warnings that I ignored. *dismissive wave*.

"Good one," I laughed, "I will take all of these. You know the old saying, dress warmly. Wait I meant, you can always take off but can't put on."

That whole saying makes no sense, I mean if that was true there would be tons of naked people walking around some of those shouldn't be naked and a lot of people yelling "I am blind!"

Stuff got boring after that, the whole bill paying sequence is a yawn. Other than the part when I choked when I heard the cost of everything. Audokornet better be up that mountain and in those clouds or I would be Monkey pissed. No punking the monkey with a bill this big!

With clothes in hand I made my way to the mountain, thankfully Wiener helped me with the clothes or I would have the need to find an alpaca or llama to help me and yeah no.... the whole spitting thing mixed with going to the freezing cold just says freezer monkey.

"Hey, mom can I go to the freezer monkey tent. They said she was found frozen in a block of ice in the middle of a field surrounded by alpaca or llamas, one of those.  They say the look on her face is one of disgust. Come on, please....."

The only bad thing was after I got dressed, in private and away from prying cameras, I had to say goodbye for Weiner for now. You see giant Vietnamese potbelly pigs and snow & ice don't mix. I gave him a big hug and told him I would be back, rubbing behind his ears a little before giving him a kiss on his head.

With a tear running down my cheek or it could have been glisten since girls don't sweat I waved goodbye and headed up and up add up.

Snow crunching and the wind howling and some back story given let's move forwards and up. Up there to be exact.

*turning sideways so I think a hand is pointing in the right direction. *

[Catherine]

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

That isn't me eating, that is my feet in the snow. Thankfully I had the forethought of getting snowshoes or I would need to be digging myself out with every step. I believe I just passed up the top of a pine tree just a moment ago, back there.

*turn and try to point*

The lone pine cone at the top of the tree struggling to be free from the snow's icy grip or it is a very ambitious little tree.

"Grunt I can do it. One pine cone. Grunt. They say size doesn't matter hah hah. I will show them all. Grunt."

By the looks of it, I would guess the tree could be around sixty foot tall. Give or take sixty or so feet of course. The only real way to tell would be for me to dig it out and yeah.... no. I am trying to go up there.

*turn and try to point up into the clouds*

Not trying to dig tunnels under the snow like some snow snake. That and that would diminish the whole effort of the pine cone.

"Hey, little guy or um girl. Let me just dig out all around you. Then it is like two birds with one stone, you are free from the snow and I will be really tired."

Let's say sixty foot and leave it there. I do have pickaxes just in case I find myself sliding down an icy incline uncontrollably.  Frantic grabbing with Fingers in mittens and yelling "No I don't want to disappear into that crevice!" does not stop the slip and slide. Pickaxes do, that is if I can reach them of course. The whole tons of layers to stay warm will be working against me If I Find myself screaming and sliding, if I am lucky I will just fall on my back.

"Ha ha ha, you thought you had me crevice but I fell on my back. Now I just have to work myself free or wait here until spring... well shoot did I pack enough food?"

Oh, you might ask, monkey why don't you just change into something that can manage the cold? Simple answer, I don't want to be naked! I have to be naked to change and yeah no... I don't want frostbite where the sun doesn't shine. That and it would be really embarrassing if I am flash frozen prechange, like right after I neatly fold my clothes and go, "wonder monkey powers activate. I chose the form of a [insert snow and cold able animal]" Then cold wind and instant frozen meal.  Years later scientists find my body in a cube of ice and scratch their heads, "Um why is she naked? If it was instant like the ice age how could she cover herself up?" I don't need that, especially if they find me and stick me in a museum or some weird sideshow in a carnival.

‘Come See the frozen dinner monkey girl,. Wonder at her adorability and cuteness. Wonder why she was frozen. Just wonder!!!!! Oh and one dollar for each viewing and no staring, that is just creepy.'

Anything else? I can't see if you are shaking or nodding your head. These glasses only let me see in a slitted view. They say it is to prevent snow blindness, I think it is just to give me a funny tan line.

"Were you going for a weird raccoon tan line look?"

"Say what? Weird raccoon tan line look?"

"Yeah, you have um lines that are darker across your eyelids."

"I have what? What cooned me?" Run to anything mirror-like "Oh no no no. I will look like a clown trying to hide the lines with makeup."

*growl*

"I know I should have gone with the mirrored ones!!!! Stupid slitted glasses, I can still be blinded by a snowflake if it flies in just right!!!!"

Okay, I have wandered off from climbing and the top of the mountain is not getting any closer. So...

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Oops sorry didn't see you there, slitted glasses.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

[Catherine]

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch

Yeah, I am sort of just walking. Sooner or later past the tree line where trees go, "Yeah it is cold for us to so yeah we are staying down here. You have fun."  I did stop for a moment to consider things, like the things I heard coming from behind me which were footsteps! Nothing puts a chill up your back like walking in the woods and hearing footsteps behind you or an ice cube running down your back.

"I hear you back there," I said through all of the layers I was wearing so it came out more like "E hmr uh bhk har." So whatever was back there was probably confused trying to figure out what I just said. 

I tried a couple more steps and there was none behind me. Maybe I scared whatever or whoever was back there off? Too cold for axe-wielding murderers,  they like warm weather, makes it easy to swing the ax. I mean have you tried swinging an ax wearing long sleeves, it screws up the whole swing and aim. I believe their union got together and they agreed to stay to warm climates because their swing to blood splashes ratio radically dropped. Good for those in colder places and Canada, bad for the bikini wearers. Have you seen an ax murderer in a bikini? They wear hockey masks for a reason, URP!

*shrug must be my mind playing with me. Shortage of banana milkshakes does that to a monkey girl.*

Couple more crunches and of course I hear some behind me, this part would be boring if I didn't so  I turn as best as I could in all of the layers. Eyes squint through the slits and I scan the area as best as I could, if anything decided to jump when I looked in their direction I wouldn't see them. Nothing but trees and that rabbit over there.

*move to sort of point at rabbit I think.*

Like I said creepy, maybe it just echoes off of the trees. There was only one way to test that, I pick up a foot and CRUNCH! Eyes going from passive scan mode to ‘I spy with my little eye' mode.

Nothing. Nothing.....

CRUNCH!

*move to sort of look towards the crunching hmmm....*

That is when I see the large boot peeking out from one side of the tree. I knew it...

*hands on hips in a proud pose*

"I see you," I call out, "Come on out with your hands up unless you have an ax or your armpits stink."

Nothing...

*head falls back....*

"I said I see you, Come on out and I promise I won't scream too much if you have an ax or chainsaw, I will run though. Come on I think it is getting colder."

Something moves about ten or so feet off of the ground. I thought it was just perfectly horizontal branches but now I knew better and I gulped. Gulping again when I looked at other trees and spotted similar 'branches'.

This wasn't good, I thought they only existed in the great white north but I guess this tribe of them didn't know about that. Not good. Maybe they went mad with the maple syrup or those weird pastries called beaver tails, I just didn't know. All I knew is that I was outnumbered and they liked red and plaid. Two colors that shouldn't ever be mixed!

Taking a breath I try to come up with a plan. Come on little monkey girl you can do it. Okay, I think I got it.....

Quickly I turn and take off running, "Mumhpes!!!!"

[Catherine]

I run as fast as I can with my arms stuck out to either side sort of like those ninjas do in those cartoons that I would catch my brother watching. He would always say that they were not cartoons but something called "anime".

He would get a laugh of course followed by "cartoon" as I left the room and I disappeared I would try my ninja magic on him, "Start putting the seat down. I got stuck the last time and they had to use the jaws of life to free me." Never worked though I had many cold and wet butts late at night. Never a good way to go from sleepy to wide awake with butt stuckage.

*monkey girl ninja note - no matter how much you kick and scream the physics in seat to butt sealage cannot be overcome. Scientists believe a mini black hole is created and not even light can escape that unless helped by the jaws of life and laughing firemen,*


Back to the frantic moment, I am sure you do not want to hear any more of my late night incidents caused by my brother.

I ran with my hands out and could hear the multiple crunching of footfall behind me. This wasn’t good, what was chasing me was known to be good trackers on and I was outnumbered. I ask myself if I should look back and I answered "NO!" That was the mistake that others do, look back and be mesmerized by either red flannel or red jackets with gold buttons I just had to hope that they didn’t use their hats as weapons, throwing them at me like some oddjob.

With a quick glance, I could see that there was nowhere to hide. Trees were left behind a lot of crunching ago. I am pretty sure that if I stopped what was chasing me would still see me, too cold for dinosaurs up here even if they could find jackets and flannel large enough for them,

Needed to think.. no way were they going to for the "what is that" ninja art of distraction. Especially with my mouth covered. but…

I stop, spin and face the oncoming and I think wave my arms up and down. Fingers crossed in mittens that this is going to work and flannel didn’t taste bad.

Three...two...one!!!

[Catherine]

It is the oldest trick in the book really, haha. Magician's use it all of the time and ninjas do to with smoke bombs. The whole distract over here while I am doing something over there technique. The old "look at this hand while the other hand yoinks the cookie' technique, patented by me. Strangely my brother would always wake up with cookie crumbs on his face and me pointing at him going "Ummmmm you slept ate cookies. Mom is going to be so mad when she finds out. Mom!!!" 

So I was there waving arms trying to get the Mountie's attention, is it Mounties or minties? What is the plural of Mountie? I mean it could be Minties like the "ou' in mouse changes to "i' when it is plural. But does that only work with creatures that like cheese? Are Mountie people lactose intolerant? Is that why they are in the great outdoors all of the time? 

*whisper* because they cheese toot! *stop whisper*

Anyways there I was waving arms I think and muffled yelling "Here I am. Come get me." Over and over. If it worked the Mountie pride will believe they got me and I will be able to get away.

Red coat pile up on the monkey girl and a muffled, "Hey your hands are cold!" Moment later and wait a moment"

*camera pans to the left, specifically to a tree. Odd it looks like that tree has grown a cute and adorable monkey tail hmmm" interesting. Monkeys usually do not hang out in this type of weather unless they are soaking in a hot tub or hot spring or they are made of brass. I wonder..."

The Mountie pack howls in glee "Ay!" as they hoist me up and of course I don't struggle. It is one versus many Mountie, they are fueled by maple syrup and stuff, there is no way I could overpower them. I hear they are as strong as a moose and eat bears for breakfast, why and how they found that out I don't want to know.

"Hey bear, I am hungry" followed by a crunch.

Bear scream in pain "Grooooowwwwwwllllllluuuuurrhhhh" Which is loosely translated to "Why? I was minding my own business with this picnic basket."

Followed by chew and spit PTOW, "Taste likes chicken."

I mean how could I? bwhahaha. I almost got that out. They are Mounties, they might bump heads with moose but eh. I am not into that and if I was ever challenged to that I would just dismissive wave and point at my head and "No!"

But they had me and the Murder Of Mountie howled in glee "Ay!" as they started to walk away, their prey up in the air not moving due to fear of redcoats and giant boots. Were they going to sacrifice the prey to some Mountie god? Were they going to bast her in some type of weird Canadian mixture of Syrup and beaver pelts? Maybe they were going to take the prey back to their nest and give her a foot massage which the prey wouldn't mind unless the massage included a bear trap and a lot of screaming, then no. Has anyone ever tapped a Mountie in the wild? They are so elusive maybe kind of sort of"

"Watch the mighty Mountie wander the great white north searching for prey. Cover everyone's eyes during scenes that people shouldn't watch at all. The scenes of nightmares! All I saw was red, boots and grunting, I am not hungry anymore!"

*frozen yawn*

Boring!!! attention span reached its max for that thought. Now just keeping myself entertained until the heard leaves. The worst that can happen is SNAP, that"well, poo"

[Catherine]

The Mounties instantly freeze and so do I the only difference between them and myself is well, of course, the cute and adorable, the tail too which is shivering in the cold. The other thing is creepy and not the good type of creepy, I mean more like shiver-inducing creepy and movies do not capture it at all no matter how many times they have tried.

Do you want to know what I am talking about, think owls and you might have an idea. I am talking about the whole head rotating around in a not healthy way. Chiropractors would faint if they saw a person do it.

"Hey let me show you a party trick."

"Okay I can turn my head to the side, That isn't much of a party trick! oh my god!"

"I know, isn't it cool. It only pops a little when I get around," pop, "there, now I can finish up and look forward."

"Okay. First thing wow. The second thing ummmm were you dropped on your head when you were a child? I mean that isn't humanly possible, I mean you have a spine!"

"Uh, no. Do you want me to show you again?"

"NO! No! Once is enough. Trust me!”

All of the Mounties froze and slowly looked back, necks popping in a not friendly chiropractor way. Pop. Pop. Pop. The popping echoing off of everything making me wince with every pop. The whole time all I could think of was either "Ow" or "Origami neck". Unblinking with large Mountie eyes they just stared at me and yeah that took the creepy factor up

"Um yeah," I say, rubbing the back of my neck, "Can one of you blink? The cold has to be bad on the peepers, the frostbitten eye is a sad eye."

In my head, I am running through what I could do and all are pretty much beat feet. I just needed to do it correctly so that I wouldn't end up being hoisted off the ground, kicking and screaming of course.

"Haven't you heard of personal space!"

"Hey someone's hands are really cold"

"Beaver tails are bad pastries!"

"Hockey sucks!"

Okay, the last two were sort of mean but if it got the attention of the Mounties away from me, maybe more towards a healthy discussion between themselves talking about how they enjoy beaver tails or some player on a team that played really good and has all of his teeth, it would be great,

Everything goes quiet, then more quiet and I nervously laugh. If one of the Mountie's hoots I will scream. Need to think.

*mental fingers snap*

Got it!

*ninja art of attention somewhere else technique*

"What is that at," I say pointing behind the Mounties and none of them turn to look. Grrrrr! Fine!

"Look a beaver hugging a maple leaf in a vat of freshly squeezed maple syrup or however you get it out of the wherever," point somewhere else because the technique wouldn't work if I pointed at the same place.

The sound of popping necks that shouldn't do what they just did fills the air and I wince. Ow!!!!! That just isn't right!

I throw a ninja smoke bomb down for the wow effect, it hits the snow and does nothing, no smoke or anything. Just a quick sinking and then disappearing into the snow,

Eyes shoot up to Mounties to see if they are looking my way and they aren't, thank Monkey. They are drooling though and ick.

*ninja art of beating feet to save my cute properly padded butt*

Pish. Pish. Pish. Pish. Pish.

*monkey girl note - that is the sound of me running away Okay? *

[Catherine]

Pish. Pish. Pish. Pish. Pish.

I would like to repeat, that is the sound of me beating feet in the general direction of away. It is common practice to scream or challenge both of which usually ends with screaming and gurgling a usually common message, "Oh that [insert sharp object] hurts! I think I am bleeding, this will never do. I like this outfit."

If you don't believe me watch a horror movie and you will see perfect examples. The ax murderer shows up and the cheerleader stands there and screams. She doesn't try to run or anything but scream. Even the ax murder asks her if she wants to run and it would be a good idea but no... just scream and chunk! That is the sound of an ax on cheerleader. Now a chainsaw murderer shows up and the jock just laughs, prodded on by something they go up and punch the murderer which is invading personal space and so by law the chainsaw murderer is allowed to defend with said chainsaw. Which of course gets screaming and blood spray, especially if the chainsaw hits an artery. Which chainsaws always seem to do. Simple math really chainsaw plus screaming plus hockey mask ( worn to keep the blood out of the chainsaw wielder's eyes  ) equals artery spray and more screaming followed usually by fainting. Simple math really, let me see  c + s + hm = s + s + f. 

Anyways beating feet and it sounds likes the Mounties are doing the same behind me.

  Plosh. Plosh. Plosh. Plosh. Plosh.

Plosh is the sound of the Mounties, larger feet keep them from plishing. I will take a moment and point out something else, looking back. Looking back is good sometimes but not when you are being chased, the heavy breathing should be a clue on that the [insert monster] is still behind you and possibly out of shape. If you hear a loud thump the monster could have passed out but keep running since they could be trying to trick you and they have good insurance. I mean have you seen a hurt monster, okay that isn't a good example. Best for them to say "Get back here" then "I got you!"

Beating feet in progress and mind racing. no time to look at the Boy Scout manual to see what they recommend on handling Mounties. Need to think…. Brain cold so it going to be hard to start up.

Graaaaaaa...

*that was the sound of my brain starting. It doesn't like the sub sub sub way below freezing temperatures.*

[Catherine]

Before I could come up with an idea I heard an "Aye!" behind me and if I wasn't beating feet I would have stopped and asked "A What? You need to clarify. Finish your thoughts so it cuts down on confusion and weird looks." But I was beating feet so I kept running and answered back with "B", maybe this was some weird game that Mounties played? I don't know but if me answering threw them for a moment it was worth playing.

A red blur flew past me and landed in a snowbank off to the side. I looked for a moment, curiosity piqued you know and saw a Mountie pulling himself up, growling as he prepared to throw his hat I think.

I can tell you what I was thinking but that would be the use of words that can be used for something else. I will keep it simple, "What the?" And "Don't oddjob me!" Did he jump at me or something, trying to get a hold of me with his white gloves or was he thrown by another in some type of fastball special?

Answers would have to wait, beating feet and the brim of the hat looked sharp as it was flew towards me. With an eep and a hop, I jumped to the side right as the hat flew by and using my monkey girl sense I sensed a tree getting sliced and stacked into an orderly pile, it was a mouth dropping open moment there.

How big of a stack would I be, pops up into my mind and seriously start to question if my mind has issues. I mean who would winder that?

A primal growl ripped from the Mounty's mouth as he launched towards me with his white-gloved hands in a very big friendly claw-like position, slobber freezing into icicles coming from his mouth and that crazed look in his eyes that says it all and that all wasn't nice at all. Do you look at your mom with those type of eyes?

I could have done so many things like this or that but Mother Nature said try this other thing and my feet found ice, down I went in a ‘what the' moment landing on my properly padded butt and zip, right under the hurdling Mounty. I gave him a friendly wave as I slide past and onto home. Well not there but over there?

*points to yet another snowbank.*

I hit the snowbank with enough speed that I find myself eating snow in an unhealthy manner and just not a little bit of it. Around six feet of it!!! Arms and legs splayed out to either side I find myself stuck. No matter how much stealth jerking and screaming I cannot get myself free.

"Can anyone help? Maybe a Sherpa? Help I don't like being a frozen dinner."

[Catherine]

Yeah there I am stuck in the proverbial mud but it is snow.  This is so embarrassing!

"Hey, I like what you did with your cheeks. You know the blush. Although I would have used a little less. Maybe go for you know less clown."

"Ha and Ha, it is frostbite not blush. I laid face down in the snow until it all melted."

"Um, how long was that?"

"Spring, I think I fell asleep eventually. "

"Um, you know you could have just got up. The natural look looks good on you but you are bordering on supernatural now. I think your cheeks are actually glowing."

"What are you doing?"

"I am placing my ear against one of your cheeks to see if it is buzzing. LED , fluorescent or neon?"

"Flesh! Mine! Ow ow ow it hurts. Stupid snowbank. Stupid Mounties."

"But I thought you had fallen asleep face down in a big bowl of ice cream once. You didn't turn out like um! this. Cheeks glowing brightly. I hope there are no planes nearby or they might try to land."

"Ha and Ha. The ice cream happened once. I was overwhelmed by the chocolate and I thought someone had said that there was a surprise at the bottom. That was a sick sick joke, the only prize I found was the bowl. Thank Monkey it was a waffle cone bowl or I would have been mad."

"Didn't you get a nickname after that?"

"yeah!."

"What was it again?"

*Mumble*

"What was it?"

*Mumble*

"I can't hear you. What was your nickname?l

"Fine, it was the chocolate chipmunk! You happy?"

Giggle, "Yeah!"

I manage to get my earbuds in, don't ask me how since I really don't know and tune out to some tunes. Best to tune out when you are fighting frostbite, it doesn't like the whole kicking and screaming part.

"Let it snow! let it snow!"

Yeah, how appropriate. Onto next song, please.

"It looks a lot like!"

Like I am cold! onto next song please, I think my iPod has is out for me.

"I do not!."

What?

"Ice, ice bab!."

Yes, yes I know onto next song, please.

"You're frozen when your?"

When you are deep in a snowbank. Next song, please.

"Until I'm dead and cold!"

No!

One iPod goes sailing out of the hole and I am left there mumbling and grumbling. I need a plan or I am a frozen dinner with no microwave. Think monkey girl think!

"Aye!"

[Catherine]

A what? I wish people would finish their sentences. I am sorry of stuck face down here and really cannot see what whoever it is, is referring to.

"Can you give me more?"

"Aye!"

"Again not clear there! A what," I then realize the whole thing about aying. I thought it was just someone being funny but yeah, aye is also a common term in the great white north and Mounties!  The light nudging on my shoulders confirms what I was thinking, stupid cold and being stuck!!! slowed down my thinking and everything.

"It is a Mountie, girl?" I ask knowing the answer, I really don"t need to see my tail nodding. I can"t anyway since the whole face stuck in snow thing is happening but my tail nods anyways.

"Got it."

I need to come up with something before the Mounties do something not wanted to me. Come on think!!! The scout manual is out of the question, I can actually feel it poking into me right at the moment. Could lick my way out but that would give me a massive ice cream headache. A lot of "Ow! Ow! Ow! Give me a moment my brain needs to defrost. Hold please." Use my tail to raise me up, use it like a whip and wrap around a tree branch and be yoinked up. Yeah, I can feel my tail shaking with that one. So that is a big no.

What then??

Explosives! Where in the world did that thought come from? My mind must be trying to punk or kill me. Explosives at this distance would be!!!. *shudder* not pleasant at all. I would be pulling a Humpty Dumpty in a not fun way. Needles and duct tape don"t mix! Especially with the cute and adorable!

I close my eyes for a moment, just for a moment since if the Mounties start getting all handsie I want to be able to see what I kick and bite as I scream. WWMMD?

*monkey girl ninja note, WWMMD is short for what would my master do? *

I start to um!!!. "Master, What would you do? Followed by more um!!! then throw in some more um!!! just to help out on the reception.

[Catherine]

I hear a tapping sound coming from somewhere and even though I know I am a certain distance away. I haven't measured the distance I sank into the snow bank so I cannot give exact measurements and I don't want to tell you something and hear that I was wrong later.

"You said you sunk six feet into the snowbank and it was exactly six foot two inches."

Yeah, this is an adventure to save the world from something that escaped from a cookie jar. How that happened I don't know. *whistle*  I don't have time to break out a tape measure and everything. Those are for architects or others, not adventurers. *proud pose even though I am stuck in a snowbank.*

"Is this thing on," I hear a voice ask followed by tapping.

Did the umming work? Master?

"Master it is Nichole," I think talk, "Your favorite student."

"Who?"

"You know Nichole. Red hair and tail," he has to remember me, I was his favorite.

"Oh that one, how did you get this number?"

Wha...Wha!!!..What?

"Master you gave it to me," I think exclaim back, think stomping my foot. There was the sound of thinking and breathing, not that creepy breathing either thank Monkey, for what seemed like forever, "Master, I am in a bit of a bind. You see I am stuck in a snowbank and there are Mounties, I think they are rabid."

"Who is this again?"

I thought growl followed by thought yell, "It is Nichole!!!! Mounties, frozen nose. I need an idea to get out of this. Please, I need something before my nose falls off."

"Hmmm. Let me think!!!.."

*not mental growl because that would be rude but it might scare off the Mounties thinking I was a Honeybadger or like a moose.*

[Catherine]

Do you know what isn't good to hear when you are laying face down in the snow, nose already red with possibly rabid Mounties encircling around you!!!

*monkey girl ninja side note watcha - if they decide to mark their territory on me I will scream. Just side noting it since it needed to be noted somewhere. Marked equals scream and not a pleasant one.*

Where was I? Oh yeah, do you know what isn't good to hear? Countdown theme music from a game show mixed in with the sounds of boots on snow and random "Aye!" I was like a banana in a banana split, tasty but cold. Wait that came out wrong! I am not tasty, we are not going into 'Hey you know you taste really good with barbecue sauce accidentally spilled on you?' or anything similar to it. Monkey noming isn't good! I think there is a law against it too, you hear that zombies? If the whole zombie apocalypse happens you can just shamble on by, we can play a game or something as long as you are not ripe but no and I repeat NO monkey noming.

"Master," I say with a cute nasal sound to it since my nose is frozen, "Any ideas? Nose and Mounties!"

"Hold please," was the only answer I got and my nose was getting to a point that it would need to be held, against my face! I doubt if i yelled up to the Mounties to hold they would understand. They might but I hear they speak another language, one filled with "Aye" and so far that is about it I figure. If I had a lot of red and had a wide-brimmed hat I could try to trick them. Calling a 'needing my bottom helped out of snow' aye and shivering, followed by pointing and a 'she went that way' aye.

One may fall for it but not a pack of them. There is no way it would, well I don't think so at least. If I could get to the scout manual I could maybe find information on Mounties but it is there and my hand is over there and yeah frozen.

"Master!"

"Hold please, you sort of cold called me here," There was mind laughter, "cold call and you are stuck in a snowbank, funny."

I just Haha mind laughed back and that was it.

"Please Master"

"I think I found something. Now try this," whisper whisper whisper.

"Okay, I think I got it. Let me see if I can do it!! It doesn't sound too hard at all. Anything else I need to know,"

"It will either work or burn you to a crisp."

"Oh Great!!!"

[Catherine]

Either what Master whispered to me will work or I will be yelling, screaming and third degree burning which would help with the cold nose and everything but aloe Vera doesn't grow up this high so yeah!!!. That and if I stop, drop and roll I would melt the snow and fall into some crevasse and I don't want that either.

I take a breath and cough, snow in the mouth!!! snowflakes tickled the tonsils. Behind me I could hear the aying getting louder and more numerous. There was either more Mounties now or they were talking and planning, if I heard the unforgettable sounds of chainsaws I would scream, "You better be wearing hockey masks for safety!"

Mentally I slap myself In the face for that idea, hockey came from the Mountie's habitat they probably carried hockey masks or have taken so many things to the face that they just didn't feel anything anymore. Frozen ice and snow being thrown in their faces meant nothing to them. "You call that ice? I will show you ice!!!!"

Laying there focusing Well trying to focus, I needed to do this right.

Uh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*That is the sound of me concentrating not being stumped by something. Well that too but not at the moment.*

Uh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The air around me started to tingle and either that was the first signs of frostbite or the technique was working. I keep concentrating trying to focus as the aying above me got more frantic, the Mounties could sense something was up below them. They must be strong in the ways of the non trademarked force.

Uh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The tingling moved to prickly and then to jabby quickly so something was working. All with no numbness either so even better. Just a little while longer!!!.

"I am doing it Master,"I happily mentally say and I get a mental pfft, "Are you sure?"Which didn't help at all and I just mentally mumble "thanks!!!”

A strange dinging sound happened and I knew everything was okay. Then POP and moments later followed by frantic ayes, stomping of snow and a lot more pops. Around me hot stuff was melting the snow and it wasn't feeling good on the skin either!

ow! Ow! OW!!!

Just need the snow to melt a little more!!!.

[Catherine]

Fast forward some time and with a pop pop I manage to pry myself free and climb up and out of the hole, wiping my hands off on the snow after I did. What? Have you tried climbing a mountain like this???

*dramatic point up the mountain with one lone slow moving pigeon since they don't like the cold.*

Butter and crags don't mix, one hand slip and there is one long scream until the end decides to be dramatic and well messy.

"I told her to wash her hands after eating a bag of popcorn. I told her and she just laughed and flipped a couple pieces of popcorn into her mouth and choked since one sort of got stuck. A buttery omen I say."

Maybe this???

"Hey who spilled all of the red paint? What? This isn't red paint and it is who? I think I am going to be sick. Hey I just found the keys that she had borrowed."

Looking around all I could see was buttery devastation, Mounties lying unconscious all over the  place. Butter and popped also unpopped Kernels all over.

*mental laughter while slowly nod.*

Master had said that the technique was powerful and looking at the devastation caused by it, it is hard to not see the example of it around me. No wonder movie theaters are always the way they are, just look at it.

*slow pan of camera for one of those three hundred and sixty shots. Aimed away from me so it doesn't make me look fat. Those cameras tend to do that. *

I pick up a kernel and it promptly slides out of my grip thanks to the butter and hit the ground, immediately I pull out a moist towelette and clean my fingers and the trail of butter running down my arm and somehow up it too. Nodding one more time I spin, slip a little before walking away.

"See you. Mountain to climb."