Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

Zoom! Up I go up and away from the lava and accidentally into a plume of acrid rotten egg smelling smoke. Quickly zipping out because *cough cough * yeah not stinking, I mean sticking around in that.

Zip!

Out I go gasping for a breath of fresh air, "I wish I could breath and not taste rotten eggs...." An updraft hits me and up, up and Way I go. No big 'S' on my chest or red cape fluttering in the wind behind me. Of course I don't fight it since it is taking me away from the screaming when receiving third degree burns that no aloe Vera could touch.

"Waaaaaaahooack!"

Stupid low flying small birds, I tell myself as I spit feathers out. You are combustible and shouldn't be flying near volcanoes. Also I was pulling a Disney and singing at the wrong moment and everyone knows ghost there is a rule saying do not fly, jump, crawl, leap, slither, teleport, blink and whatever else that could be done into the singer's mouth. It messes up the beat.

"You were singing pretty good  until towards the end where you started to spit."

"Yeah.... I blame it on the robin?"

"What the sidekick? What did he do to make you lose the beat and spit? Did he give you a campy saying or something?"

"No. Small bird and it flew into my open mouth."

"Okay....I think I will step over there. You stay here because it sounds like the beginning of a horror movie."

Up and up I went whooshing into the sky above the volcano. Lazily making a circle or it I spy Redbeard and the dragon off to one side, somewhere in the clouds above me I hear a harp playing and I get an idea.

*idea boink*

[Catherine]

I float down from above with a harp in my hand and a white dress over my clothes, little wings attached with safety pins to the back of the dress and my tail holding up a glow necklace above me head.

"Hello......." I sing out as I run my fingers across the harp's strings. Ting Ting ting. Don't laugh, how would you write what a harp sounds like? Haaaarrrrrrppppp? The tings sound angelic, so angelic that angels are taking notes on how it sounded. Some are even whispering....

"Did you hear that? It was beautiful."

"I know I think I cried or a rain drop hit me in the face when I heard it."

"Yeah. I got jealous of the sound. How does she do it?"

"I don't know. Maybe we should ask for lessons. She is like the beethoven of angel harps."

"What? Is she deaf?"

"I don't think so or she would haven't made that beautiful sound. It was amazing."

"So should we go ask?"

"No...no...no.... we are angels and we need to keep up the illusion of being perfect."

"Yeah I know but we both know the truth, only pixies are practically perfect."

"Shhh.... don't let anyone hear that. It will ruin the whole angel illusion. Then we will have to explain how we float and I really don't want to start into that."

"Me either. Let's just air harp from now on."

"Sounds good....."

[insert the sweet silent sound of air harping. ]

"Hello the two of you. I have returned with a ring around the head and wings on my back, which my tail likes playing with. It looks like you two have successfully escaped the foam. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."

*the last uhhhhh was me singing uhhhhhh......  I thought it made everything sound more heavenly. It wasn't me trying to figure out what to say."

I land on my toes like a ballerina and run my fingers over the harp's strings again. Oh and do a little single laugh, "ha ha ha" as I ballerina dance over to Redbeard and the red dragon. One of my wings flying off when I do a little spin, "um don't mind that. That happens to angels sometimes. I saw it happen to a friend once while she was flying and it wasn't pretty. Pop went the wing and down she screamed. Spinning all of the way down since she was still trying to flap the other wing. She wasn't the same after that but after corkscrewing into the ground about ten or so feet I can see why. It happens when we angels lose our first wings, think of angels like sharks with all of the teeth but replace the teeth with wings and you are close. If you hear me screaming later it means my new wing is coming in or I slammed a door on my finger."

With a smile I play the harp again, ting ting ting and then curtsy. I am not sure why though, I am not sure if angels do that or not. This monkey girl is with this white dress on, a little too far over bend and well I would be flashing tail and my tail is shy. Also it opens me for darts to the rear and yeah no, so I curtsy.

As I go down I sweep up my wing with a hand, clip it back to my back and stand, strumming the harp again. Ting ting ting.

"Its a miracle!" I say pointing to my wing, "uhhhh.............. " spinning in place again and hoping that neither wing goes flying off.

"I have come down from up above to get this race started again. Whatever god that is cannon here is running out of popcorn and wants us to get moving. Uhhh............."


I do this dance thing on my toes, "Oh and was nearly blinded by the lack of items under your kilt and you are to blame for platypi  uhhhh......"

Quickly I climb up on Wiener, do a little spin and catch myself before falling.

"Let's get going before lightening bolts are thrown uhhhh......"

"Crackaboom!"

"That sounded close so let's get going......"

"Crackaboom!"

"That sounded closer so yeah let's get racing."

Redbeard shrugged and the red dragon shrugged back as Redbeard walked over and mounted Forticurtu.

"Uhh..... get ready and GO!"

[Catherine]

We both take off and with a quick look over my shoulders I see tears welling up in the dragon's eyes and I feel a tear welling up in mine. Poor um.... thing, it was having fun playing with Redbeard I think. Then it dawns on me, that is why dragons horde things, so they won't be alone. Hordes of things, especially expensive things made of gold and sparkly things that just draw adventurers in. Adventurers come in and the dragon's have company. Friendship on the way of the flame and charcoal briquettes is done and there are screams of happiness. Yay!!!

I wave back, "Don't worry Redbeard will be back when he loses and you two can hang out together. He can tell you stories, roast marshmallows and you know things."

It wasn't hard to miss the feeling of being starred at and I slowly turned to look at Redbeard. How did I know who was starring at me you might ask? If I wasn't in the middle of a race I would sit down and tell you the story of the boulders and coal. I think you are old enough to hear that story. You see when two boulders.... woooooo!

Gently I pull on Wiener's ears as I start to get drug off of him, all thanks to drag from the angel stuff. I don't see how they can be aerodynamic unless they go shooting straight up saying "Zip!" Side to side or front to back and well..... they are shaped like Christmas trees with harps, not too aerodynamic friendly. When placed in wind tunnels people just shrug and yell "hold onto something" or "focus" when they turn on the machine and the little angels go flying backwards into the vented back wall screaming. Also clawing at the air, which scientists are trying to figure out why.

"Don't look," I yell out as Redbeard pulls away quickly and I throw the harp off to somewhere and if you hear harp music in the woods late at night just don't go to it. Just telling you, some crazed killer with a  hockey mask probably found the harp and is playing it to lure people or as they call them 'victims' or 'axe in the back holders' in. You may laugh now but when you see a crazed killer with a machete in one hand and a harp in the other you won't. More like a nervous ha ha as you step away hoping  machete doesn't come onto your personal space over and over and all over.

I wiggle the dress off and like a parachute it blows open as it flies behind me. Then the last thing goes, the glow necklace. Some lucky forest animal will be the hit at raves now.

As the last item left I hit warp factor something or another and SONIC BOOM!

[Catherine]

Where is the parachute, I kept saying as Weiner and myself,shot forwards and off the side of the volcano into the sky. I guess when you go from not aerodynamic to wow you know you are really aerodynamic things like this could happen. For a moment I,thought I saw strange looking ships flying by, one with a big disc and a dish in front of it. Which I guess they use to get a lot of tv channels.

There were others shaped like "xl" too, flying along with a ship with what looked to be a basketball player wearing a carpet going "Arahaaaaah".

Of course I gave them all a wave before throwing out the parachute I had in my bag. Not sure where i got it but I wasn't complaining at all after strapping it to Weiner, throwing it out behind us and holding on for dear life. That is what you have to do when you go from wow to wooooooo.

There was a BOOF when the parachutes opened followed by a squeal. Which wasn't Weiner's brakes it was actually Weiner squealing as we came to a complete stop and slowly floated down to the ground. The disc headed ship and the guy dressed in a carpet streaked away with some really science fictiony special effects, things going all streaky and smeary that my grandpa said that flower children would like whatever that means.

I could see Redbeard racing down the volcano and I got an idea, not sure if it would be a good one but YOINK I pull the safety pin from the parachutes and down Weiner and myself went.

"Here we go!"

[Catherine]

Weiner and myself landed and immediately his legs went flying. Depending on how you look at it that could be a good or bad thing. You see we sort of landed on top of Redbeard, it wasn't my doing at all. It isn't like I sort of steered us to land on top of Redbeard. I mean that would be funny, I mean mean not funny, mean.

The whole “why is everything getting dark?' thing. Is there an eclipse? I know it isn't safe to look up during an eclipse but... holy cow there is a giant Vietnamese potbelly pig with an adorable monkey girl on its back falling towards me. I don't want to be pig squished!!!!

It isn't like he did anything to deserve anything like that, no stinking up the place or killing of fish because of never bathing or picking me up by the head. Redbeard didn't do any of... wait a moment he did. In fact I still have the finger impressions on my forehead to prove that.  Here, here and here.

Anyways I didn't do it on purpose *tail crossed*. It was the wind's fault, it blew me of course which was..... I spin around and randomly pick a place other than on top of Redbeard, "I was suppose to land there." Fingers crossed that it sounded believable.

Anyways four point landing with a side of squeal and off we went. Kicking dirt and Redbeard into air.

Thump thump thump and thump. Kick Wiener into gear and a hill humph later Wiener and myself were back in the race. In the lead too, "See you at the finish line," I said, giving Redbeard the hand in a friendly wave. 

[Catherine]

This is where it gets all blah, it isn't like in the movies where it is all exciting. Left turn, right turn, swerve between the group of old ladies, jump over the Girl Scouts selling cookies and yoink a box of something or anothers. It is more Hey we are going really fast, oooo a lot of trees, hey a squirrel and another. Make a turn followed by another and so on.

Yawn and bored, I would set Weiner to cruise control and get some sun but he didn't come with that option and Norse sun is really harsh. I think that is why they kept going berserk all of the time.  "I think I am going outside to get some sun. It burns and it is so bright! Growl! Hiss and berserk spit."

I would get burned really fast and I don't like going "Ow!" A lot and looking like an upright lobster. The whole butter menus poured over me is just ick.

Down we went and through the woods to grandmother's house we...... wait got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Just down and no woods in fact down into a village that was kind of strange. Not "Hey you are strange" said in a nice way of course but more "holy moo this is strange. Did that one artist with all of the strange stuff live here. Hey look a melting clock!" Yeah that kind of strange.

It smelled of autokornet, that is how strange it was. Villages don't have stuff like this normally I mean look at it. Oops sorry you cannot. Hmmm..... imagine strange and go about twenty steps beyond that and then you might be coming close to what i was seeing.

"What is that?"

It looked like a giant mint, one so large that it would make anyone gag before freshening your breath. Then there was the whole group of pugs playing cards I just passed, really strange since I am pretty sure they couldn't see their own cards and had to ask the others what they had.

Suddenly the ground got slippery and Weiner started to spin. Not good! Not good ! Not good !

"I am going to be sick!!!!!!!"

[Catherine]

Since when did ground become all jello? *pinch bridge of nose* Don't tell me I already have the answer, autokornet. But what jello? Did it have a taste for.... I look down off of Wiener for a moment to see what color jello we were on and all I can say is ick there is no way and I will repeat NO way that I will try any jello colored the same way the jello is under us. I mean brown jello! What flavor could be brown?

[insert long pause that is unnecessary really]

I can imagine what everyone is thinking and their faces turning green. Why would anyone make jello that flavor?

"Okay people we ran through all of the good flavors but we need a new flavor. Any ideas?"

"Bossenberry!"

"Pina Colada!"

"Bubblegum!"

"All good ideas, although I think we may have complaints on the pina colada if it didn't contain alcohol. Expectations with the name really."

"Okay how about Napoleon ice cream."

"You got the name wrong but I know what you mean. I am not sure people would like spongy, rubbery stuff in their mouth tasting like that. That could scar them for life and we would get the ice cream people after that and they fight dirty."

"How about [insert name of stuff for what Weiner and myself are on]?"

"Would be different and show everyone that we aren't afraid to try things. You know what, go ahead and start to work on that. I can see the headlines now. Jello introduces a flavor you never expected anyone to release ever! They cornered the market in a corner that never existed. Why have orange, strawberry or key lime jello when you can have [insert name here]. "

"Oh no no no," I said gripping onto Weiner and climbing back up. What I saw would make grown men cry and i am neither of those. The only thing that could make this stuff worse is small pieces of fruit that is um.... jelloing in it. It isn't floating or hovering since you can't do either in jello so it has to be called jelloing.

"Try to get some traction," I yelled to Weiner as I held on for dear life. One slip and the jello would claim me and I would be sucked down to jello with the... fruit!

"Do something," I yelled again and Weiner replied with an oink, "we are heading for oranges!"

Weiner did his best, gripping as good as he could on the jello but it is jello and unless it has that creepy skin type thing there is nothing to grip. He managed to grab onto something that was sticking out, I think a pear which sent us onto a spin.


The spin of course got spin screams, "Make it stop....... I am going to urp and this jello looks nasty already........."

Wiener oinked but it was too late, we were heading uncontrollably to the most insidious fruit of all.

"King of fruit!!!!!!l"

[Catherine]

Weiner tried his best but in the long run the gravity well or just the plan slipperiness of the jello won over and we slammed into the king of fruit. Weiner letting out a painful oink as the King's spikes poked him and I let out  painful "YEOW!" When I flipped up into the air and landed on the king, butt first! Of course my tail dodged the spikes because of its former training as a stunt tail but my butt didn't have any of that training.

A painful pop up and butt rubbing occurred as I gave the king a nasty stare. A dread filling me a little. The king has tasted blood will it only thirst for adorable blood now? My eyes shot open with what popped into my mind, was the king poisonous? Oh my monkey I hope not. That would really embarrassing....

"Yeah ummmm I don't know how to say this but yeah I have been poisoned by a stupid piece of fruit with an ego."

"Okay.... what can I do?"

"Can you suck the poison out?"

"Sure I guess where do I have to do it."

"Yeah that is next embarrassing thing it was in my butt so yeah..."

"I have heard of you type of people. I just didn't think you were one of them. I think the best thing to do is for me to back away while keeping a close eye on you so you don't try to jump me. Best thing to do is stay a safe distance away from me and we forget you ever mentioning this."

"But I am poisoned."

"Yeah and I got a taser. I would recommend staying a safe distance away for both of our sakes."

I stamped my foot and shot the king a even more determined and meaner face, "you better not have poisoned me or I will be crossed." I would have considered kicking the king in the knee but it didn't have one and yeah spikes. Mumbling to myself and keeping my eyes on the king I rushed over to Weiner.

"Are you okay?"

Weiner moved his head and gave me a weak "Oink."

"Can I do anything to help make you feel better?"

Weiner gave me another weak "oink" while motioning to his side. I looked and gasped when I saw what was there. A mole! No wait Wiener is a Vietnamese pot belly pig so moles are okay but the big king spike wasn'.t.

I patted Weiner on the head, "I got this taken care of." Mentally slapping myself in the face. Walking over to the spike I pulled out the Boy Scout manual and started to flip through.

"Bananas, not for slipping anymore.' Nope. Flip.flip. Flip.

"Pair!', while the title was interesting the words weren't, they were just playing so I did more flipping.

"Lemon fresh and puckerefic.' Uh pass and more flipping.

"The king has spoken and why the spines?'

"This looks promising", I tell Wiener as I start to read, "Just relax and I will get the spine removed. "

[dramatic pause for duh duh duh... the procedure. Bite your nails because yesh just because ]

[Catherine]

I put the hospital gown on, hair thingie, mouth thingie, big rubber gloves and goggles. You can't be too careful really with procedures dealing with well this, *motioning towards the king of fruit thorn*. One little mistake and blood, not a little blood but like a blood fountain and blood stains. If I didn't take the extra little bit I would be a clear target for leeches and vampire bats for a very long time.

"Hey little guy. Why are you licking behind my ear for?"

Of course drop the bat, if it is one, because they are creepy with those little hands and all.

Standing there I pat Weiner and pat him on the side of his face, "I will make it fast. I am not trained at being a doctor but I have watched a couple shows on tv and sort of got sick so I should be able to handle this."

I take a deep breath, will I need to use anesthetic? I am not really trained on that stuff but all you have to do is turn a nob and press something else onto the person's mouth and nose, so not that hard. Patting Weiner again I reach into my bag and pull out the Boy Scout manual and start flipping.

‘Skunks, nature's potpourri.' Um no and no and no and start flipping through more pages.

Flip. Flip. ‘How to identify the stench in three easy steps.' Another um no. If it is defined as stench it is probably my brother's socks and those are easy to identify since they stand in the corner by themselves looking down.'

More flipping and....

‘How to knock people out with gas in the not final way.' This could be it..... I quickly scan the page and learn the dirty secrets of anesthetic.  Did you know that you shouldn't use helium? Something about floating away, jet airplanes or flocks of geese.

With a nod I close the book and slip it back into my bag.

"I think I got it done. Not sure why they say you have to go to college for anesthetics, all it is mask and dial. Too much and well and too little and there is a lot of scramming.

Looking toward the king of All thorns I look back to Wiener, "Do you want to be awake when I am pulling it out? It is up to you, I have pliers and I am just going to yank."

I could tell that Wiener was giving it some serious thought before answering. He looked at me and.....

[dramatic stop for nail bitting moment. What did Wiener answer? Stick around to the next paragraph to find out.]

[Catherine]

OINK!

The camera pans and focuses on my cheek as a tear forms and rolls down it. The oink was so filled with emotion and everything. I sniff and give one of Weiner's legs a hug away from the the king of fruit thorn so not to hurt Weiner anymore.

"Thank you, I will do my best and are you sure you don't want any anesthetic?"

Oink.

"Okay, I will make it fast. Do you need to have something to bite in like those people in the movies my dad loves to watch did?"

Oink.

"Okay...." I take a step back and do the surgeon thing, I pull on the edge of each glove one at a time and let it go so it snaps. I don't know why they do it but hey I am not going to complain, that could be the whole cleaning process. Snap the glove to knock the germs off that laugh at soap.

"Soap. Soap! Really you think soap will take care of me. I eat soap when I have nothing else to eat. Bring it on!!!!"

Behind me I can feel people gathering, Doctors probably, I can feel their white face masks and smell that whole cleaning stuff they use.

"Are you taking notes, " I ask, not looking back but remaining focus on the literal thorn in Wiener's side, "because I don't want to do this again if I don't have to."

I edge closer and place my hands gently on the thorn, take a breath. "Okay, wipe!" A nurse traveling with the doctors must have heard me and wiped my forehead, "Thanks." Hey That could be handy...

"Banana milkshake with extra whip cream stat!" I wait patiently for the banana milkshake to appear and nothing. Well shoot! Well it was worth a try and I even used a Doctor term at the end. If it is only for wiping it is only going to be good on hot days and when someone forgets to cover their mouth when they sneeze.

I pause for a moment and ask myself, should I test the wipe theory but Wiener gives me a little oink and answers the self question. How he heard me ask myself I don't know. Wipe testing will have to wait.

"Okay people there are things you have to remember when pulling a thorn out. If not done it may cause loss of life and or limb. Both of which patients do not want to lose and will be very mad with you if they lose. Possibly haunting you if it is loss of life. "

Behind me the doctors go quiet as I explain to them my technique using a lot of what I hope is medical stuff and what seemed like a couple days, some of the doctors even passed out I think I decide to conclude.

"And in finally it is best to reach for the thorn and just yank!"

Of course I do that, grab and yank. Dropping the thorn to cover my ears for what was coming. A loud OINK!

if I communicate how loud the oink was in words I would have to write it down since you wouldn't be able to hear me or really anything else and honestly written word can't capture how loud the oink was other than really loud.

With my hands still over my ears I leaned over and pressed myself into Wiener to give him a no arm hug, of course I said something comforting but that couldn't be heard.

I would go into the whole wrapping of the wound but yeah it is wrapping of the wound. Wipe gel here, wrap wrap here, give it a little healing kiss and then wipe lips because kissing a wound was gross and there was gel.

Blarg.

[Catherine]

I pace back and forth waiting to hear how the procedure went. That is what you do when waiting to see how things went, that is why there are grooves all over sometimes. Some think it is aliens or something like that but in reality it is pacing after procedures.

"Those Dan burn alien done flattened by corn."

"Uh no, you live right across from a hospital so it was probably worrying people or soon to be dads."

"Nah I think it was aliens. I see patterns in the corn."

"About that.... you might want to ease up on the "medicine" you drink, Uh I mean take."

"Did the aliens tell you about my medical problems? They must have a probe in me."

"No aliens, look you see the person over there walking back and forth? That is the cause."

"Aliens done got to him."

"Ugh, no aliens. Think you are overdosing on your medicine."

"Nah aliens."

"I will be backing away now and leaving you to your medicine."

"They done got to you now,"

"It was your breath that got to me.

I keep pacing back and forth, chewing my nails as I do. This is agonizing!

Did Wiener make it? Will he be the same giant Vietnamese pot belly pig I love and not in that way. The procedure should have been done hours ago! What is taking so long?

Pace and chew. Pace and chew.

The imaginary door opens and out steps a doctor.

"Give it to me straight doc."

[Catherine]

"Oink!"

Wait... what? Since when did doctors oink? I shake my head clearing it of the daydream that I was having. There was no waiting room. No doctor telling me how Weiner did or anything. No banana milkshake sitting on the chair next to me and it Mentally tasted so good. Just the right amount of Banana and whip cream.

It looked so good too.....

"Oink!"

I put the sign of the"please wait I am dreaming of banana milkshakes' sign up and look back to the seat that was next to me and sigh. The foam cup with just the right amount of moisture on it saying"Come hither and partake off banana gold.' "If only you weren't a dream and my friend wasn't hurt," I mouth silently to the fading milkshake dream, "If only...."

Wiping an imaginary tear off of my cheek I turn towards Weiner and......

[dramatic pause of course with periods this time, special.]

...... I see Weiner standing there. A little worse for wear but standing with his side wrapped.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Weiner nods.

"Feeling any pain?"

Oink.

"Yeah I guess so. Do you want to stop?"

Oink.

"Really?"

Oink.

An actual tear rolls down my cheek and I walk up to Weiner and give him a gentle hug and it is hard to miss the ahhhhhhhhh............. in the air.

Sniff.

Sorry touching moment.

Sniff.

Turn away please.

Sniff.

*scene goes all blurry because of tears in the camera's eyes.*

[Catherine]

Everything goes quiet; birds, insects, frogs and that non-cannon jet flying in the sky over there *point*  is quiet. Sort of like the universe pressed mute and everything is in.... grandpa mentioned a type of movie once.... three-d, dimensional but not right... B&W, lacking but not of the proper lack...  Something or another, maybe but still need to figure it out. Silent? I think that is is it.... a lot of over acting to make up for the lack of sound I think. My grandpa said he had seen one once I think, I think I answered with a ˜huh? Couldn't they afford the sound or was the special effects too much?" He gave me a laugh, a pat on the head and mentioned something about ice cream. I think the conversation ended there. It might have kept going but I was counting the thirty two flavors and then some in my head. Organizing the toppings too. Those can make or break an ice cream cone.

Quietly I climb up on Weiner and I can feel,the silent wind blowing through my hair. Silent birds circling overhead.... if one attacked no one would hear it silently screech.

"Ready any time you are," I sat silently and Wiener answers silently back. Then like pigs in blanket we are off!

Okay that last part didn't make sense but it was spur of the moment and that moment requested it. Zip and zoom.

[Catherine]

This time it was different, we were ready for jello and kings of fruit with all of their spikes. Who in their right mind would mix those two together anyways?

"Oh look squishy and OW! Spikes in jello! Why?”

When in doubt, the slightest of doubt. No matter how big or how small that doubt is do not. Please do not mix those two things together. Nothing good comes when the two are mixed together but tongue pain.

I say we skated across the jello but yeah it was more like four hoof drive, we managed to make it off the jello and onto sort of dry land. Maybe crumbled graham cracker but still dry and not jello.  Nothing to odd to report and make you yawn about either but the birds that looked angry being shot over Wiener and myself at a pig pen.

*whisper* had to be vague there because of the copyright police. They are everywhere. Look there one goes.  *end whisper*

We hit Graham cracker and took off, Redbeard ahead of us. Strangely he wasn't effected by try jello or anything, not sure how though I am sure someone knows but it doesn't matter. *dismissive wave* We will be catching up to him soon. Isn't that right Weiner.

OINK!

Warp factor let's get going!!!!

[Catherine]

Do you hear that? That screaming, it isn't a banshee that was me. Specifically me as Weiner and myself shot off the side of the volcano. I started screaming when everything is  'not amusing' and that moment came when Weiner's feet left the ground and just not a little bit but a lot, A LOT, and quickly getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. Wow I cannot see my house from here.

We shot off like a firework, ziiiiipppppp and as soon as I thought firework I opened my mouth and screamed, "Noooooooooo I don't want to go boooomm!"

In my head I could see it, zip and BOOM! I am not sure if my mind was playing with me or not.

"Hey yeah person I am inside of... what is that song again? I am like a firework...."

Playing images in my head of fireworks and drawing little arrows to the explosions saying 'you!'.

Out we continued to go, over hills and vale's. Whatever a vale is, I think it is like a mole but with a 'V' and an 'A'.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Don't explode aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

BOOM!

[Catherine]

Oh I am sure you are thinking that dramatic pause sucked. The whole time you were biting your nails wondering who boomed. Was it monkey that boomed and little cute and adorable parts flying and splatting all over adorably.

"Oh look something just fell over there adorably. SPLAT! Okay this isn't adorable I think I got a finger in my ear and it isn't mine!"

Don't worry the cute and adorable have a rule that slays no booming. Nature doesn't like that, that is why squirrels don't go boom when they chew on things like electrical lines but possums do. It is a fail safe I think to allow us to do cute and adorable things and not have to worry. The whole circle of life thing I think. I am not going to raise my hand and ask why. Why ask why with the circle of life just a cootie tomato or whatever that little monkey tells the lion cub.

No what boomed came from below, peeking over Weiner I saw a mushroom cloud of something or another, will just keep it another, coming from the rear of Redbeard, him rocketing forwards and anything behind him rocketing backward if it was loose and bending backward if it wasn't.

"Oh my monkey," I said and if I wasn't holding on for dear life I would have smacked myself in the face,lightly, and draw my hand downwards in awe, shock and what in the word?

"Are you purposefully gross all of the time?!?!" I yelled down at Redbeard, "How many beans lost their lives because of that!?!"

Of course he didn't respond, he was too busy shooting forwards at the moment and what looked to be catching up.

"Oh no way no been killer is going to beat us," I said patting Weiner, "dive bomb and get ready to run."

Weiner oinked and leaned forwards and down, i hunkered sown and squinted. Both of which are safety precautions when dive bombing.

"Here we go....."

[Catherine]

Dive bombing is a science I heard and I always fell asleep during science unless something was reacting with something else. You see when you dive bomb the key thing to remember you have to aim for what you are wanting to hit or in my case not really hit but land in a running mode and maybe make Redbeard wince a little with how close Weiner and I get. Not so close that we accidentally hit him but close with a zip....

The air streaked past us as we dove downwards out of the clouds, whoosh! Past some startled geese and a not cannon jet plane, "don't worry," I yelled out, "everything is fine and we aren't here to save you." Then I remembered something, "Oh and yeah, there might be a passenger that goes sort of nuts saying something about seeing a creature on the wing of the plane. That won't be me and it is right there," I say pointing to a creature on the wing of the plane. How it wasn't being torn off I don't know but it gave me a evil smile and started to rip into the wing and engine.

"You might want to land or something, " I yell back to the pilot, "because that little plane walking ick is really doing a good job at something bad for all of you."

"Hey  could you sort of stop," I turn my attention back to the creature, "that really isn't safe. It would be a lot better if you waited for the plane to land and cops to show before doing that. You do know, I hope, that they don't like plummeting and screaming."

The little critter lifted a hand, started to close its fingers and..... my eyes shot open when I saw the power sign that was being shown to me.

"That is uncalled for! You are lucky that I am....."

Suddenly I felt an Impact of goose to body, followed by a mad sounding honk right before I went flying backwards.

"Stay calm little monkey," I heard master say in my head, "you are only flying towards a jet engine. It will only hurt for the first moment and then you will feel nothing,"

I nodded at my master's words, he was a wise man. Wait what? Jet engine...." brought back onto the moment I could see the business end of the jet engine blades spinning as I closed in and the whole thought of being pureed shot through my head. Where would the story go if yours truly became a smoothie? I sit there.... oh so exciting.

Now the next few moments happened in a blur which is better than a ton of fan blades and screaming, a lot less painful, screaming and gurgling. None of those are on my bucket list at the moment by the way.

[ insert cool blurring effect since I am going into blur time. I know it is sort of cool and what my grandpa said the sixties were like for some. ]

My hands shot out and I grabbed a hold of the edge of the engine and with a yoink I pulled myself up and over. Flip and aha! Startled look on critter's face when I landed in front of it and then again I picked it up, took it to the edge of the wing and let it go and of course saying "No"with a point.

Then running back up the wing, doing wing first aid after looking at the Boy Scout manual and then after sitting with the patient for a moment.... walked to the edge and dove off.

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

[remove blur effect since it is making me feel like urping. Grandpa said that happened a lot to I'm the sixties thanks to brownies. Not sure what he meant by that since grandma always elbowed him and shook her head.]

Land on Weiner's Back and we can get back to the dive bombing part of the story.

[Catherine]

Down and down we go, the camera catching Weiner and myself as we fall, dodge a flock of geese and continue to fall towards Redbeard.. I would fly back up and see how everything looks but I don't have wings and I am pretty sure no matter how much I flapped my arms I would not fly and eventually they would just fall off.

Before you say anything, that was a movie and I don't have a fez. I tried one once and things didn't turn out well. To this day I still have nightmares, and wake up in cold sweats. It wasn't pretty, not pretty at all. There was screaming and little kids' eyes covered and I think they still haven't found the one woman's arm yet. Like i knew fez could do that. Oh and I don't have a red vest or bow to a witch no matter if she is from the east, north or west. I think I knew one once maybe when I was in third grade, Miss Vetch. She had that whole green complexion going for her, cackled a lot like she was laughing at some private joke and she had a wart on her nose. That and there was that creepy black cat that coughed up hairballs on me all the time.

[wide shot and Wiener and myself falling towards the ground and Redbeard]

Whoosh through a cloud. Whoosh through another, passing what looks to be a little angel trying to train baby clouds.

"Hey that one looks like it is angry," I tell her as I whoosh by, behind me I could hear a loud crack of thunder, someone scream and a flash of light behind me. Not in that order of course but those three.

Down.... down.... down.....

If the fall doesn't kill you the immediate stop at the end will.

"What who said that?"

I look around confused trying to find out where those words came from. Is my mind playing tricks on me again. I really don't need that at the moment since the whole, "Hey look a butterfly";followed by a hard SPLAT can occur.

"Prepare for landing, "I whisper and Weiner oinks in response. Three....two.......one....

The sound of landing gears hitting ground fills the air and I am not sure where ir is coming from. Sounds cool thing.

"Reverse engines and pulling brakes now."

OINK!

"Oops sorry, pulled the wrong thing."

[Catherine]

Dirt and rocks and small animals that just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time goes flying hitting anything that just happens to be standing around. Pchow, a mouse takes a pebble to the head. Thump, ow I am sure that bear never thought it would be seeing stars after getting hit by a high speed squirrel. I am not sure how high speed but it was as a speed that would be classified as high. To help clarify I would draw out a chart and everything but yeah..... I am holding on in the touchdown and if I pulled out a easel and dry erase board it would go to ow ow ow ow ow as I am dragged off and thrown about and probably hitting everything hard in sight.

Weiner swerved a little bit kicking up a rooster tail of dirt alongside Redbeard and I held on staying away from the rooster tail. Yeah eating dirt and stuff being shot up into the air is not on my bucket list, I am trying to cut back on it, it all just sits and blah!

I didn't need to tell Weiner what to do all I had to do is make sure Redbeard didn't do anything that would hurt. Like stick out a leg and trip Weiner or grab a tree and try and clean my mouth with it over and over painfully.

It wasn't hard to miss something happening, what that something is I couldn't tell but it was something. Even my tail saw the something and signaled me.

"Yeah I know," giving my tail the thumbs up as the something happened. I needed to figure out what to do and it came to me as a bug flew into my mouth.

Cough cough "Crazy Ears dayglo bah."

Oink. 

[Catherine]

Weiner nodded which is kind of a surprise since I didn't think he had a neck and oddly he knew what I said when I was coughing. I hunkered down and gently death gripped onto anything. OINK! Okay, sorry....

I quickly change my grip as Weiner started  Crazy Ears dayglo bah, which I believe Redbeard will never see coming,mwhahahaha. Oops that came out wrong. It is suppose to be less evil scientist and more he will never see this coming, more Whoopie cushion and less spiked club.

There was a jerking sensation right as Weiner hit his air brakes and the hill shot forwards and right when he got just far enough ahead Weiner jumped.

THUMP!

Right onto Redbeard's back! The glory of Crazy Ears dayglo bah, let the silly Jed....oops copyright issues if I add the eye so need to stop. Let the silly for... oops need to stop again. I wonder what Hill's mid chlorinated count is? Doesn't matter though unless those all of those chlorinateds will help him keep Weiner and myself up, in a safe and friendly way.

"Hey, watch the tail!"

[Catherine]

It was nice to just hang there and not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the passing landscape. The trees, the hills and whatever that thing over there is. *point*

Important questions popped up in my mind though. Did this flight have snacks? Could I get a pillow to rest my head on? Was there nuts? Not regular nuts but plane nuts. Was there going to be a movie? All important questions to be asked if you are on a flight. Also am important thing to ask is if you look out of the window and see a little creature on the wing ripping it apart what do you do? Freak out? Laugh nervously and wave at the little creature? Put something in front of the window because it must have been a trick of light. You know light reflecting off of the wing which reflects off the clouds that are somewhere and then take on the bird something or another. If you do the calculations and the answer is high or if you just get an answer it means creatures on the wing. You could point it out to one of the hostesses, "I don't think it has a ticket."  Just don't go all "There is a creature on the wing. There is a creature on the wing."  Security will be called and tasers will be used if you start to laugh wildly and slobber, slobber on a metal floor can only end in slipping and falling. Don't need that at forty thousand feet, one slip out the door and there is a lot of screaming.

For a moment I consider asking but I reconsidered, where would Redbeard keep the stuff. That thought alone kept me from asking, I don't need the answer. Didn't want the answer. It was one of those on a need to know basis and i  didn't need to know. No way, no how. Huh uh. Fingers in the ears not wanting to hear.

We were making good time though and that is good. We were half way down the volcano and the hill stopped, wobbled back and forth and then fell face first into the dirt. The ground shook when he hit, squirrels were tossed fro, trees and boulders jumped. Quickly I jumped  into action and went all medical for the second time today.

[queue the medical music.]

We weren't going to lose a hill, not today.

[Catherine]

I flipped open the Boy Scout manual and for the first time there wasn't anything in it for what I was looking for, medical stuff for hills. I could find everything else,  digging in a hill, running up and down a hill and looking down from a hill without falling but I couldn't find how to do medical stuff to a hill. Flipping more I could find medical stuff for skunks to skinks and something else starting with s that I am not going to try a pronounce but nothing for Hill. A bad judgment call on the part of the scouts, if you cut a hill does it not bleed?

Okay come to think about it maybe not. Most hills do not bleed. But the hill laying down in front of me would I think.... I poke Redbeard with a toe, "Hello?"

Dirty Mumble. Dirty Mumble.


Okay. Okay. I need to do something. Mouth to mouth, um no that could be taken the wrong way and I don't know where the hill's lips have been. CPR, I cannot even get my arms around the hill how was I..... it is physically not possible. *dismissive wave* Jump on him?  Well.... I look towards the hill and shake my head. No, why it could work it would be really painful. Maybe for both of us if I fall and falling from that height would be dangerous and eeee..... splat! All the stuff that I didn't want or need.  So what then ?

I look around, could do those paddles but those weren't cannon here, unless o got stinkbomb and I am not sure if I could stand the olfactory attack. Don't need my nose crying or running or anything. I do look cute with a red nose but I am not needing one at the moment, it isn't cold out. *swing around and point upwards* that is keeping it nice and warm here. "Hey this is a no lava ball zone. " I yell back up the volcano. You need to lay the law down sometimes with volcanos or they just spew all over.

Turning back around I think..... all medical avenues have been used and I am not touching the other end and get gassed. So I am left with only one thing to do... Confidently I march to the front of the hill. Stop and point down with authority.

"You are healed now. So stand and carry me more..."

Oink.

"Oh and carry Weiner too."

*fingers crossed that it worked because Weiner's legs are tired.*

Oink.

"See..."

[Catherine]

I heard Redbeard cough, dirt billowing up all around his face and I think a rock hit me on the head with a THWACK, it was hard so I am pretty sure it wasn't a small animal.... It could have been a small armadillo but those don't exist in Norse land, well if they paid attention to cannon they wouldn't. Then the thought hits me, SMACK! What if what hit me was the little animal's skeleton, like the cough had so much force that it got blown out of its skin.

A tear rolls down my cheek slowly at the thought and I sniff once, "Sorry little whatever you were. I hope it was painless." Determined now I sniff one more time and stomp adorably and not with a song and dance like the mouse likes.

"I am coming over here to nudge you with a toe..... la la la. You hit me with something that I hope wasn't skeleton.... la la la."

Yeah I have a singing voice, I practice every time in the shower. My brother even joins singing the same lines over and over, "shut up!" He really needs to find something else or go with the lyrics I give him, those would go a lot better.

Stepping close to the hill I nudge him with a toe, an ancient technique my master taught me, "Wake up." Nudge again.  "wake up." Nudge again, "Wake up."

Redbeard lurched up and gasped, I threw my arms up, "YEAH!" Ancient resurrection technique one - unconscious or possibly dead zero.

Again no song and dance just me crossing my arms and nudging Redbeard with my toe.

"Rise.....rise...... I hope not an undead thing that hangers for brains since yeah... I like where my brains are locate." See no maniacal laughter or lightening flashes, you have to know when to hold that stuff back.

Slowly Redbeard stood and I prepared to scream if he had a weird not blinking stare or said anything about brains.

Please neither of those.....

[Catherine]

I ran through everything I carried in my bag for usefulness against a possible zombie nomming. There wasn't too much in there that would be of any use.

I got the super mega extending staff that is signed but if I used that I ran the risk of scuffing or scratching the staff. Which while useful on a staff versus zombie fight is nothing to consider unless you like your brain being nommed on, which I do not. It fits perfectly where it is at so yeah it is staying.

The Boy Scout manual, which could be used. "Stop!", "No means no!" and other things would be yelled over and over as the Boy Scout manual, specifically the instructions on page twenty two are used which goes over how to turn the book into a last resort bludgeoning weapon, is forcefully bounced against the zombies general head area. Making sure that nothing zombie gets splashed or anything on me or in my general area, that stuff stains at the least and at the most changes my diet to more brain oriented and yeah no. I do think I packed a galoshes and rain gear which lead to..

Like I said I have galoshes and rain gear which could be used..... maybe a crude kite could be fashioned if the zombie worked with me and if all goes right it could be flown up into a lightning storm. ZAP, crackle and one overdone crispy critter zombie, too burned to eat by anything. Urp which is sort of urp. Why did I think that? It has to be somethinge, there won't be...

"Hey this tastes really good, like chicken. Yum! What is it?"

"It is cooked zombie."

"Excuse me, I thought you just said this was cooked zombie."

"Yes I did."

"Okay.... ha ha good joke. What is it really?"

"Cooked zombie."

"I think I am going to be sick. Why did you put the celery sticks and ranch dressing right next to it?"

"You know for style and to jazz it up a little."

"Jazz it up? A sign would have been nice. Think I am going to be sick urp."

"You ate like all of them that is why you are going to be sick. You practically cannibalized everything on the plate."

"I thought they were big chicken wings! This isn't going to be pretty..."

"Jeez you thought they were chicken wings moments ago and wasn't complaining then."

"I was tricked!"

"Yeah yeah. You can't just have one."

"Um I think I could if it was clearly marked and it would be less than one."

"Yeah yeah."

See what I mean? Anyways nothing else in my bag would be good to fit a hill zombie.  Why didn't i pack something BOOM and SLASH ?

Redbeard slowly raised both  of his hands  and I prepared, time to go Ninja girl.

[Catherine]

"Bra......" Redbeard coughed, dirt and pebbles flying out of his mouth spraying me.

What did he just say? I asked myself as I wiped the pebbles and dirt off of me. My tail already to jump and do some ninja tail moves. Was he trying to say brains and couldn't get it out because his mouth was dirt dry? Did zombies need to take a sip of water every so often?

"Brai.....Brai.... excuse me I need a sip of water," [insert sound of water opening and drinking of water] "Ah better, may we start again? Brains........"

My cheeks redden did he want my bra? Why did he.... immediately I put two and two together and my hand goes swinging.

*defensive hand movement of no way!*

Hand meets face and SMACK and I pull it away, shake it in the air trying to get the feeling back In it. Well try to get anything back into it since there was no feeling either, "Ow....ow...ow..."

"Bad zombie, you think you can just rise from the dead and go all gutter mind? Bad bad zombie," I say scolding Redbeard, arms crossed in front of me as I shake my head side to side slowly.

"Bra....." Redbeard says coughing again, spraying me again with pebbles and dirt.

"Will you stop that," I say stamping my foot on the ground, "I just got myself clean from the last time and NO! No means no and not hey yeah sort of."

Redbeard coughed again, this time covering his mouth with a hand.  Proudly I do a proud pose with my hands on my hips, light showing behind me. I did it, I have taught a zombie to do something. I have reached the zombie brain!  I am the zombie whisperer! I could teach them to do things... man crosswalks, clean windows, get the gum from the bottom of chairs, scare off birds so they don't poo on people and other things. That would be revolutionary!


Wait..... zombies usually smell and that whole deterioration thing can get messy. Yeah.... I think I will turn that whole thing down and not whisper to zombies. It would be too expensive to keep them stocked with perfume and those little trees. Then i would have to watch what I eat all of the time if the zombies start dropping 'presents'.

"Hey there is a finger in my ham sandwich. Everyone hands up so I can check whose it is."

Redbeard coughed a couple more times and this time I was ready, stepping way out of the way.

"Speak now or be staked!" I said, hoping the Redbeard zombie didn't call my bluff.

"I am fine catgirl," Redbeard answered, coughing a couple more times and I think one cough had a small furry animal on it.

Grrrrrr.......


"I AM NOT A CATGIRL! Monkey, not CAT!"

I heard a noise coming from Redbeard, did he just laugh? I don't think zombies laughed so so zombie free but I wouldn't drop my defenses just in case.

"Turn please," I said twirling a finger in the air, "Looks like you are okay and so you can carry us again."