[UN] It's My Life... but I Look in on It

[CrimsonxKisses]

She has it all: a forgiving career working at a magazine company where she can be the boss when need be; the husband who supports her, no matter what the case may be; a beautiful home; and a child on the way to occupy it. But, when she loses her baby, the one thing she looks forward to, in an tragic accident, she starts to decipher every moment of her life and see where it all went wrong.

Lapis blue eyes. Hungry, greedy, lustful, lapis blue eyes. Her eyes control you. They demand they be the center of attention, no matter what it costs to you. She's selfish; they make you want to tell her she's all you dream of, everything you ever wished for... at least that's what her husband remembered of her, but, of course, that's before she want mad.

Stop reading this story if you don't want to be entangled within the craziness of one woman that has lost her mind not too long ago...

But you can't stop, can you? You cannot stop fate, whether it be dreary or glorious, nor can anyone else if they would wish to. Analyzing things of the past becomes not only a need to her, it becomes a dirty, ugly obsession she can't wash her hands clean of. What if they'd hadn't made love on May 29Th, 2001, at 10:20 PM and that damned condom didn't break? What if she just made time to get the 'morning after' pill instead of just saying 'things will be fine; nothing like that could happen to me and run off to work?' Who will take her through this hard transition in her life? Will it be her lifelong friend, the one who stuck by her side for so many years she cannot count anymore, or will it be her coworker, the one who is always so generous and brings her dessert in the afternoon? Perhaps it will be her husband, the one she'd loved to consider that prized her as his most valuable trophy, but she felt just tolerated her? Not knowing is the point of this story. But every story has an end, doesn't it? ...Doesn't it?

"I can still see you..." That beautiful, yet melancholy voice rang out all through the coliseums as if it were traveling by the air you simply breathe. "Come here, my pretty little dove." A smile graces those pale, pale lips and exposes a row of beautiful, whitened teeth. Her dress is tiered; it's the milkiest color you've ever seen. It drags behind her as if it is grateful to have seen and touched every step she's taken, every movement she's ever made. From under one of the rectangular, bench-like structures, a beautiful, alabaster child with the face of a cherub pops out. "No, you don't." She laughs at this, thought unsure why; the girl's voice was alike in comparison to her own, but was tainted with sweet innocence compared to her. And then she replies, "I know."

Things shift. She's squinting, she's panting... she's in a dark-coloured car, and one that is speeding and quite in a rush to get somewhere... perhaps home. She can see the image right before her eyes so clearly, it's as if she watches from high above. It's the day she forgot to put on her glasses, the day she left them at home and struggled all through the morning trying to read the various articles to edit that made her stay at work longer than planned. That's why... that's why she's late-- but she looks so much like me, it's truly puzzling. Things keep moving, shifting right before her own eyes... "WHAT IS THIS?!" She exclaims, but it is not heard. Is this me, this woman? Silly woman. Then again, it doesn't sound like something I'd do...

It's becoming clearer. I watch her hit a guard rail while attempting to cut off some other drivers, and it seems as if things pause for that very moment in time. Each labored breath she takes brings her closer to this thing called death that engulfs her in flames. They're searing, they make her feel as if her flesh is decomposing on her very body. I find it odd how she resembles me so, even through the fire and smoke...

Time passes.

"Beep, beep, beep..." She wakes up to an alarm and a small bed with white sheets. She's wiping the sleep from her eyes as she notices it's a hospital. They've placed her -- for a reason she knows not -- in a hospital. "You're awake!" exclaims this strange man, one she isn't familiar with, the moment he sees her eyes flutter. "I believed you both were going to die on me..." He reaches a hand to gently caress her stomach as if there was something there. "I could bear losing someone else, I really could... but you? Never." Their moment is interrupted by a doctor, and an attractive one at that, but how easily distracted is she! They tell her the thing that will change her forever, make her be called 'insane' by everyone she knows... they tell her she had a daughter, a daughter she assumes would be the spitting image of her. But there's one thing I've figured out while I was watching by the ache in my heart and the resemble to our stories: this woman is me.