From He to She: My Transgender Journey

[Transgirlenstein]

Welcome to my first blog post.  In this blog I will be going over my journey into transgenderism.  Whenever something new or exciting happens, for good or bad, I'll post it here in my blog.  Hopefully there will be interest in reading it.  Furthermore, I will answer any questions anyone may have, just send me a pm on this website and I'll answer it here. 

Here goes nothing.

[Transgirlenstein]

I've been home in Pennsylvania for about a week now.  I have told my friends and most of my family, so far I have been lucky and have had a lot of acceptance and understanding.  I have also had a lot of support from my friends.  One of my best friends, Liz, has even given me an old feminine coat of hers.  She also took me to my very first hair salon appointment.

Now, I love having my hair played with.  I love it even more when its a hot punk girl who is incredibly friendly and openminded.  In short, it was fucking amazing.  I was pampered, having my hair teased and played with, cut and ironed.  All the time chatting to this cute hairdresser and Liz.  The only part that was a bit painful was the waxing of my eyebrows.  Even that wasn't too bad, it was similar to having a band-aid yanked off.  I suppose I have to take the good with the bad of womanhood.

I can't wait to go back when I move back to Pennsylvania.  They got themselves a new customer.

In other news, I was just given a lot of female clothes by Ket for Christmas.  They all look so lovely and I enjoy wearing them all.  Thank you very much.

Until next time!

[Transgirlenstein]

  Things have not been too well with me as of late.  Those of you who know me well know that I have fretted and worried about talking with my parents (especially my mother) about being trans.  It is not because they would kick me out of the house, but that there reaction would not be a good one.  My mother for example has a bad habit of always trying to talk me out of something, usually into what she thinks I should do.  My father is not too open of a man.  Especially if he doesn't understand something.

  Two attempts were made to talk to my mother.  The most conversation we had was her proceeding to tell me that she did not believe I was, that my therapist must be a quack, that it was entertainment for my friends (she does not know much about my friends, neither her nor my dad have never been interesting in getting to know them at all besides maybe their names) and that the desire to change my name was a slap in the face.  More accurately, me spelling my name Jo instead of Joe and Joey was a slap in the face.

  Let me delve into the name thing here.  My first name, that is the male name I was born with, was Joseph.  Joseph was my mother's father, my middle name being my father's father.  Pappy Joseph died when I was 2 so I don't remember him.  My other Pappy, who I was very close too, died when I was young but I was young enough to remember it and to be his favorite grandchild (or I like to believe I was).  Out of respect for my grandfathers, I decided to feminize both my first and middle name thus shortening Josephina to Jo (or Josie or JoJo depending on who you are).  According to my parents, shortening my name to Jo was a slap in the face.  I tried to explain that by that logic, all the times they called me Joey and Joe was an insult as well than.  Of course, those are OK cause they are masculine sounding while Jo (pronounced the same as Joe of course) was feminine and thus an insult (according to them).

  In the middle of this is my sister Emily.  Emily has always been very close to me.  I told her and she was happy for me.  At the moment though, she is not talking to me.  Why?  I don't know but it hurts.  I do know that my mother has been putting her in the middle and both me and her have been pulling Emily both ways.  Perhaps she is fed up with this whole thing, Emily does not have the best tolerance for being put in the middle nor does she have the best temper.

  At the moment I do not know what to do.  Telling my friends went well, but I knew if I had trouble, it would be with my family.  I have a lot of things to deal with now and the only way I can deal with them is one day at a time and hope I can mend fences.

[Transgirlenstein]

The family issue isn't on the front at the moment, but then my parents are not the type to mention it until I do (well, if my mother is feeling fighty she will).

I made several New Year resolutions, one in particular was to be more out and open about being transgendered.  While I have not followed it exactly, I have made small steps.  Another teacher of mine knows, one who is very open and understanding about gender variance (which is hilarious because he doesn't look the type to know anything about it.  But then appearances can be deceiving).

This April I am going to the Whitby Goth Festival and I am planning on being completely girl the entire time I am there.  Makeup, bra, appropriate dress.  I am both nervous and excited, though mostly excited.  Now to find a variety of outfits I can wear.

[Transgirlenstein]

I am going to talk about an important issue for me and that is acceptance.  Now, I have plenty of acceptance for who I am from a lot of people however there is one situation that still makes me feel awkward and always will until I am so full of female hormones that I am growing breasts.  This situation is around lesbians. 

I've always felt I was a lesbian.  Yes, I do like men however I am more interested in girls and always have been.  When I was growing up though, I always had strange feelings when looking at lesbians in any form (porn or not porn).  I'm not talking about that "funny feeling in my pants" (not that it was absent mind you..) but there was also a sense of loss, a sense that I was missing out of something. 

My problem stems from two things.  The first is that if I should go out not femmed up (that is, me not on hormones) I always feel like I can't be myself in that situation whether its a gay bar or cafe.  I want to get up and shout, "Hey I'm one of you!  I'm not some strange and creepy guy lurking.  I'm a lesbian.  All hail Sappho!".  Being in these situations when I am not..myself...can be very difficult for me.  The second is the group of lesbians that find transwomen repulsive and a lie.  Nothing I can do about that group, it is the first reason that gets me the most.

What this all comes down too is a need to be myself.  Another reason for me to start the transition process.  A chance to be myself.  A chance to be that gay girl I know I am (well...90%).  Now excuse me, I'll be lounging around on the Isle of Lesbos with a bunch of lovely young butches and femmes feeding me grapes.

~Jo~

[Transgirlenstein]

My family situation has taken a possibly turn for the better.  It seems that my mother might be coming around.  Slowly, but it is progress.  A few days ago, I was talking to her on Skype.  She was upset because she had heard, from someone else, that I had mentioned that I might have to cut ties with my family should they decide to not accept me when I start my transition. 

Now, this was a conversation I had before I talked to them.  It was an option that scared me, but one that I might have to take.  The gist of the conversation was essentially this: she wanted to know that the thought of me leaving forever scared her and that she loved me.  That she was shocked by me coming out but that she loves me and wants me to be able to come home to family whenever I need to.

It seems to me that she is starting to come around.  It might take awhile but once she realizes this is what I want and need, that I am still me, she will hopefully support me.

Baby steps.

[AmandaBear1776]

Good luck with your parent sand being who you want to be. Congratulations!




♥AmandaBear♥♪1776♫

[Transgirlenstein]

You’re a trans what?
A lot of times I get people who call me either a cross-dresser or he.  Sometimes these are honest mistakes; sometimes they could only care less.  You might say “hey, what does it matter?”  Well, it does matter.  Like most people, transgender people like to be called by the proper pronouns.  To help this along, I’ve created this handy guide to terms so now you too can know the difference between a transvestite, a cross-dresser and a drag queen (or king)!  In each term, I will also include a handy section on “what pronouns do I use?”  It should be stated that pronoun usage might vary from person to person.  I have known transwoman who don’t mind being called he as they haven’t started hormones yet (for example).  The best thing to do if you’re not sure is to politely ask.
Enjoy!

Transgender: Transgender is an umbrella term that includes anyone whose gender identity does not match one’s “assigned sex” (upon birth).  This has nothing to do with who or what they find attractive, nor does it typically include intersex (this is often a matter of debate).  Transgender includes transsexual, cross-dressers, transvestites, drag kings and queens, gender queer and androgyne.
Originally this term meant someone who wanted to live cross-gender without receiving sexual reassignment surgery but in the last 20 years or so, it has been expanded into a broad term to include all of the above.

But what pronouns do I use? It depends on whether they are transsexual, gender queer or so on and so forth

.

Transsexuals: Transsexuals are people who desire to live and/or identify as a member of a sex other than the one that was assigned to them at birth.  Most transsexuals undergo gender transition which may include hormone replacement therapy and sexual reassignment surgery.  Some will only take the hormones and not have the surgery, some will do both. 
Some transsexuals don’t mind being open about the fact they are trans.  Some believe that invisibly is the best way and just want to live their lives fully as a man or woman without the trans prefix in front of it.  It should be added that under no circumstance should you ever out a trans person without their permission.  To do so would not only be disrespectful to the person involved, it could be dangerous for them as well.

But what pronouns do I use?  One of the biggest sources of confusion are those who don’t understand what    pronouns to use as they do not know the difference between a transman and a transwoman.  A transman is someone who was assigned   the sex of female at birth and desires to live and identify as a male.  A transwoman is the opposite.  You should use the pronoun of the gender after the word trans.  So, a transman should be called he and a transwoman would be called she. 

Transvestite: A transvestite is someone who cross-dresses in the clothing of the opposite gender.  They may not want to be the other gender; they just enjoy wearing their clothing.  Some feel that it brings them closer to the opposite gender (the famous Z-movie director Ed Wood was in fact a transvestite who claimed to have been wearing women’s underwear throughout World War 2).
It should be states that a drag queen/king is NOT the same thing as a transvestite.

But what pronouns do I use?  When they are not in the clothing of the opposite gender, call them by their birth gender.  When they are dressed up, some transvestites like to be called by a different name and gender.  Some don’t.  Ask, or go by whatever they introduce themselves as.

Drag Queens and Kings: A drag queen (or king) are individuals who dress as the opposite gender for performances or to entertain.  A drag queen is a man who dresses as a woman to entertain (Ru Paul) and a drag king is a woman who dresses as man. 

But what pronouns do I use?  When they are up on stage and in their persona, refer to them by their stage name and gender.

Genderqueer: Genderqueer is probably the most recent term on this list.  Genderqueer is a combination of gender identities and sexual orientations.  Some genderqueer individuals may switch gender identities daily.  One day they feel more male, others they feel more female and other days it might be half and half.

But what pronouns do I use?  Ask.  Most defiantly ask.  Some genderqueer people like to be called he or she to the exclusion of the other.  Others like to be called both.  Some use a mixture of terms like shi and hir and other don’t mind being called it.

Androgyne: Someone who is androgyne is an individual who may identify as being beyond gender, between genders or even totally genderless.  In ancient times, it might have been linked with hermaphrodites.  Sometimes it is used as a medical term in relation to intersex people but I do not know if it is still used or not.

But what pronouns do I use? Ask.  Like genderqueer, ask. 

[Transgirlenstein]

In Between

One of the hardest things about being transgender is when your in, what I like to call, the 'In Between Phase'.  The 'In Between Phase' is that tricky time where your not exactly where you want to be at.  Whether that's not on hormones, haven't had laser/electrolysis yet or haven't had your final surgeries.  This phase can be incredibly difficult in regards to relationships. 
Your not where you want to be, you find it difficult to see yourself as attractive and your sick and tired of having to explain a million times to people that you have some kind of attraction too.  You can't just go out and pick someone else, the type of people you attract aren't the type your attracted too. 

That's where I'm at now.  It's a tough time, it's one of the hardest things I'm going too.  It hurts, it's lonely and it flat out sucks.  I just want to get the therapy done with, get my estrogen and get my facial hair shocked off so I don't need to shave every other day.  I just want to get there.

[Transgirlenstein]

As of late my postings in here have been erratic.  I'm more than happy to write an entry based off of people's suggestions.  Please tell me what you would like to read.  Whether it's my thoughts on certain things (transgender films, books, philosophies, outlooks) or my feelings on things.  Please feel free to suggest it and I'll try to add it to my blog.