I am almost certain that the subject heading here for this entry will have caught some attention. However, I’m not really posting anything here for the prurient. So, apologies to any who have got this far hoping for something juicy. We’ve had a bit of a mini heatwave here, so people have been going about in far less than they usually wear. So I was reminded of something I wrote for a yahoo group a few years ago. The question had been asked about public nudity; specifically, what we thought of it and whether the laws should be altered. Well, being me, the inevitable answer was as follows.
Baring one’s bigotry
OK, I’ll admit to being really shallow here, and I feel really really guilty about it. I mean, I know that I should be much more tolerant than I am, especially of other people’s appearances, but I’m not. I can be a really intolerant so-and-so, but being the polite person I am, I keep it under my hat and go and fume about things afterwards at home, much to my Dark Lady’s amusement.
Now there’s one of my problems. Hat wearing is already slightly frowned on today, with the assumption that if you wear a hat, you’re eccentric at the very least. OK, I might just put my hand up to the slightly mad thing, but really it’s no more than a mild eccentricity, not anything certifiable, honest! Anyway, I guess I’d best get back to the point.
So if public nudity is accepted and widespread, then hat wearing will be even more unacceptable and, without a hat, where then will I hide my bigoted opinions? I suppose I could try to hide some of the prejudices, that my political adherence to the extreme centre produces, in the crevice between my buttocks, perhaps also in the fold of skin between my second and third chin and maybe under the great flaps of flab at my sides that glisten with perspiration as I make my way through the world. But there is so little room there and I have so many daft opinions. Do I really want to harm the aesthetic perfection of my form by stuffing stuff into every nook and cranny that my plumpness affords?
I think it will give us poor men a hard time
And then that idea of hiding my opinions touches on a uniquely male perspective here. If I were nude always, how would I then be able to hide my (positive) opinions on some of the female forms around me? I mean, in some cases what I thought would stand out like a sore thumb! And worse, what about after a heavy session on the booze, when brewers’ droop had set in? How could I explain to someone, who felt slighted by a lack of visible attention, that it I really thought she looked great today but that the other thing was just the booze talking? And talking of going to the pub, how will I carry my beer money? Remember, all of my crevices are already choc-a-block with my daft opinions.
Does your bum look big in what exactly?
Worse, given the obvious physical lie detector that will perk up (or not) at odd moments, how on earth will I be able to answer my Dark Lady when she asks, “Does my bum look big in this?” The nudity thing adds a whole new terror to the male mine-field of trying to navigate a safe answer to that question. And further more, the “this” to which she would be referring would be nothing at all, and the implications of getting a “wrong” answer here would make the Pentagon’s preparations, when they discovered Kruschev shipping missiles to Cuba, seem small beer indeed.
Say no to public nudity now!
For the sake of humanity, keep this under wraps- literally- and stop the terror before it begins. Let’s stop this madness and keep our eyes safe. After all it’s bad enough seeing octogenarians wandering around Tesco’s in thongs and bikinis as it is! It’s no wonder I shop at Sainsbury’s.