Dad Jokes

[LostInTheMist]

Put your stupid jokes, puns, and so on in here. If your Dad told you a joke, or if you found one around, share it here. Just for fun. I don't know if this is the right place, but we can always use a little simple humor these days. BYO drum sting.

Many years ago, my Dad told me "Everyone who came over on the Oregon Trail died."
I responded, "No they didn't!"
He said, "Find me one that's alive today."

In a similar vein, we've both noticed that the world's oldest living person keeps dying. Clearly someone or someones is/are killing them. Why is nobody concerned about this pattern!?

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and has the bartender pour him a drink. While the bartender is pouring he looks down and sees a frog sitting at the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, "There's a frog sitting down there. Isn't that strange?" She looks down the bar at it as she hands him his drink and after a a moment, she frowns slightly. "Now that you mention it, it is strange. Usually there's two of them."

That last joke was a creation of mine in a political humor class. Though we were still studying humor at that point; we hadn't moved into political humor yet. We had 100 seconds to come up with and write down either a "man walks into a bar" joke or a "knock-knock" joke. So if you see it around the internet, either I contributed it, or I've gained some measure of immortality. I don't think it's a very good joke, but I'm proud to have created it in under two minutes.

[RainyHigh]

What did the lonely square say to the group of rectangles?

"All I want is to be long".

[LostInTheMist]

An old classic: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

[Oniya]

But do you know why 7 8 9?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Because you should eat 3² meals every day.

[LostInTheMist]

That's why the lonely square up above wanted to be long.

[Oniya]

Defendant:  Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: That's assault.
Defendant:  I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?

[gaggedLouise]

Misread headline (by me) yesterday: Richard Branson Successfully Rocked To the Edge of Outer Space

Put in "He" instead of RB and it sounds like the name of some cheesy '80s glam rock anthem. Branson, of course, built his fortune as the boss of Virgin Records.

[RainyHigh]

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

[Oniya]

What do you call a blind antelope?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind antelope with no legs?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a gelded, legless, blind antelope?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Still no fucking eye deer

[RainyHigh]

I had a dog named '5 miles'.

That way I could tell people I walked 5 miles.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

But today I ran over 5 miles.

Edit; I'm going to hell.

[Inkidu]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

[Endorphin]

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A sand-witch!

[RainyHigh]

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

[Oniya]

If you greet someone by saying 'Yellow' (Hello), what do you say when you leave?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Cyan-ara (Sayonara)

[Madiso]

Oniya, did you just make this up?

[LostInTheMist]

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are captured by North Korean military forces, and are going to be executed. (You can select any villain and any political figures you like, but it originated as a blonde joke.)

The brunette is marched out to the firing squad. She looks around, sees everything around her, grins widely, yells "Tornado!" and in the panic she escapes.

The redhead is marched out to the firing squad. She looks around, sees everything around her, grins widely, yells "Tsunami!" and in the panic, she escapes.

The blonde has seen the two before her escape, so she knows what she needs to do. She's marched out to the firing squad. She looks around, sees everything around her, grins widely, and yells "Fire!"

----

The other day, I went deer hunting with my Dad. Turns out a gun works better.

[Oniya]

Oniya, did you just make this up?

Well, right after your 'Yellow' in the SB.    I am an incorrigible punster, and that was very incorriging.

[Madiso]

Fine by me.  Just mind your memes.

[LostInTheMist]

Puns are, according to my political humor class, the lowest form of humor. But they are also the easiest, and the one in which I indulge in most often, because you ALWAYS get a reaction. Even if the reaction is generally a threat to murder you if you ever do that again.

But sometimes a pun is perfect, and hilarious. Usually in situation where you can use "no pun intended". But yes. Yes. It was intended.

My thread titles, when I'm the one titling them usually include puns. Even in my serious roleplays, I consistently use punny titles for new issues. Not always though. It's a delicate balance. Most of my non-erotic RPs are Star Wars based.... So punny titles are fine most of the time, because there's a certain humor you expect in Star Wars, to offset the horror of destroying planets, slaughtering children, and listening to Gungans speak.

But when I'm going to destroy a planet (which I have not done yet), or slaughter children (which I have done twice) I never use a punny title. Because it's not appropriate....

Anyway... keep the puns coming. Dads love puns. My ex's Dad and I keep in contact, trading puns back and forth in a way that I am SURE is awkward for her. "I was talking to your Dad the other day...." She and I may be best friends now, and if I ever get married (I doubt I ever will) she'll be my "best man", but it's still weird to her that my OTHER best friend is her Dad.

[Oniya]

What has thirteen hearts but no other organs?

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

A deck of cards[/url]

[Madiso]

too hard...

other organs could be replaced with something a bit closer to the lexical bundle to help guess...

like

but thinner than a double-decker bus on which you can play with?

[vysethethird]

Note: A joke mainly for those whose toddlers are learning to talk.

Dad: DUCK!!

Mother (Who mistakes it for the 'F' word): WHAT DID I- *Is hit in the head with projectile*

Dad: I warned you.

[despickable]

There are three types of people in this world.
Those who can count and those who can't.