For sheer hilarity, it was hard to beat my first career: providing technical support via a call center for a major PC manufacturer. I can't say it was my dream job overall...the pay sucked and my supervisor was a total asshole.
But if you could set that aside, the job really was funny. The humor might be lost on some people though...but I think you all might just appreciate it. What follows are lessons computer customers can learn from actual tech support calls from across America taken, monitored, or otherwise recorded by me in my building.
First off, we don't support mods to your system. So, if your computer keeps overheating because you wrapped the whole case (including the cooling fan) in tinfoil to keep the government and space aliens from reading your e-mail, tough shit.
If you lose a part to your system, that's not covered by warranty. Not even if aliens abduct you and take parts of your computer to "sample Earth technology" before returning you to the middle of a crop circle.
We also don't cover intentional damage to your system. So if you lose your Windows password, scream "here's your fucking piece of shit computer," and audibly throw your system across the room, that's really not my problem. Ditto if you kick in the case because you couldn't beat the trolls in Everquest.
If you have an accent, we'll still try to work with you, even if you have a Southern accent so thick you could walk on it. But please make sure thh telephone equipment on your end is working properly. If you put us on hold, you take your chances...if your hold ain't workin', me might just hear ya on your other two lines, arrangin' a cross-burnin' on one, and runnin' your house o' ill repute on the other. And remember that we do record calls, and we want novice techs to be able to handle unconventional situations like this, so you call might get played to whole training classes. Just for quality assurance purposes, of course.
And if you surf porn sites, clearing all your caches and history files is NOT covered by the tech-support agreement, even though two to five folks a week call in with this issue. If you'd at least be honest and ADMIT that YOU surfed PORN and you're trying to avoid sleeping on the couch the next week, we might decide to make an exception and bail you out.
Your call may be very important to us, but that doesn't mean we'll get to it right away. But don't forget, your call IS important, and we will answer it...eventually. Perhaps after you've forgotten you were on hold, set the phone down somewhere, and decided to have sex with your sig.other on the bed next to the phone. When your call is finally answered, we'll hear it all. I did, on several occasions. And don't forget quality assurance...
We are tech support, not law enforcement. So if all the homeless people in your city are conspiring to kill you, and the only way you can stop them is to get your computer fixed, that's really a situation best reported to your police department.
We are tech support, not Mental Health. If your computer has been invaded by aliens from the planet Neptune who are trying to read your thoughts, hang up. We can't help you. Try dumping your system in the landfill...maybe the layers of fast-food wrappers, dirty diapers and tin cans will block their signal.
And, lastly, recreational drug use while operating your computer can have unpredictable side effects. If in the course of using your computer, you notice your hands turning blue and becoming able to bend in all directions at will, you may wish to reduce your intake of mind-altering substances.
So yeah, if they'd pay me $25 an hour and not bitch when I'm two minutes late from lunch or if I decide to play a Flash game while someone reboots their system for the fifth time, tech support would be my dream job.