Topic: A view into a mind that rarely cooperates

[Strifesblaze7]

Hello, I decided to write this blog to kind of shed light on a few things people may not necessarily know about. Putting everything I have to say in this blog will take a while s o please bare with me. Much of it will be very hard for me to type and hard to know everyone on the site can read but that is why I'm doing this. I know I need to become better at sharing in a way that isn't confrontational. To start, I'm bi polar so often times  I cannot truly say what I want to or mean to, even in typing where you would expect a better filter I cannot always have such control. The problem is that most of the time, the bout of anger I feel is much more intense than it needs to be for the situation. Combine that with the fact that I am rarely feeling as self confident as I put off it can lead to me being far more harsh or mean than I would ever intend. I don't use this as an excuse but an explanation for how I can be at times. I know that part of my issue is not taking medications but honestly, I was forced to be on antidepressants and ADHD medication when I was younger and I hated the person I was. So now I don't take anything and most days I can manage. Other than having a sex drive that can make most anyone want to be done with me. But the high drive is part of my coping, I push negative energy that I feel toward my sexual drive, it was the easiest way for me to cope. I couldn't deal with a lot of the stress that I felt at the time. I grew up in a very abusive household, my step dad is a terrible person. From a very young age, around two, he was jealous of the fact that my mother was more affectionate to me than him. He hated a child for getting his mothers affection. As I grew older the hate grew worse, as I was being potty trained, if I would have an accident, and he was the one to find out, he would sometimes rub the dirty diaper in my face, regardless of what kind of accident I had had. And when i was a bit older it turned to beatings. Well he said they were spankings but they had no cut off, he would bruise my back and my thighs until i couldn't walk or sit for hours after sometimes.

As I aged the abuse became mostly psychological with him striving to prove that he was smarter than me, his idiot step son. As I've aged I've come to suspect that that was mostly due to the fact that I was almost his height by age 13. My voice had deepened greatly and I was beginning to mature more fully. I had hit puberty young and grown quickly after. I think that he felt he was going to lose his power over me of he didn't find a way to reassert it. So he destroyed my self esteem, much of my willpower. As well as strained my relationship with my mother, which was hard for me, I was admittedly a mama's boy when I was young. But that came from never knowing my real father. I've never met him and I'm now 24. All in all, I feel like my childhood has led to a lot of my issues, things that I still try to correct everyday. And as much as I would like to enlighten anyone I can about the struggles of living with something you can't control like bipolar disorder, I would also like to say that anyone who would like to talk can Pm me at anytime. Whether it is to get help of your own or try to help me. I don't mind. I am a good listener and friendly person.

I think that  the main reason I still have so many issues with what happened throughout my childhood is that I never really got over the anger. I know that that is something that a lot of people carry with them and some never really get rid of. It causes a lot of issues for me, my anger comes far to quickly even in a situation where I have pretty good control of my emotions. I am trying to get better with all of it, to make myself a better person all around but I often see myself failing and it makes me want to quit. I think something that a lot of people don't often remember when dealing with somebody like myself, and there is far more to me than what is here but that is a story for another day. Anyway, back on topic, something people often forget to expect is the sometimes unreasonable responses and things of the like. Just because we say something you don't like doesn't mean it is directed at you, don't assume you're the center of every word we saying or that something we say is an attack on you, I know that that is a hard thing to do at times bit if you work with us we can likely get better for you.

[Strifesblaze7]

Deciding to add a bit more here in a second post. I think that the harder a person tries to be normal with something like bi polar the harder it is for us to actually be and it is difficult because a lot of people don't want to even try to put up with it but like I stated earlier, working with us can yield a lot of good results. Sure we will always have times where we are difficult and things by that doesn't mean that we aren't trying to be good or helpful or whatever the situation is calling for...

[kittenlove]

I never had to live with being bipolar, though i had many friends who were. I came from a different type of abusive home, it was one of indifference. My father hates women, he doesnt even like my mother much. He was frequent and very verbal in his disgust at having a useless daughter. My brother was much older than me, and while he tried to defend me, he did it more because he resented my father's attitudes than out of any real affection for his baby sister. To my mother i was like a trophy. She would parade me around to show off to her friends what a fantastic little clone she was trying to create and then put me back on my shelf and ignore me when they werent around. I kinda always wondered if maybe i was physically abused it would be better, at least it would be some kind of attention.

Anyway i admire your strength and applaud you for surviving and becoming a better person than your stepfather.

[Strifesblaze7]

Seems like you've shown plenty of strength of your own to me. I applaud that about you as well. And I guess I kind of believe that we pretty much all have to live with something. A disorder, a memory, a feeling or trait that changes something about who we are and is hard to deal with. I'm just trying to be more open about my own things I suppose.