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Author Topic: Relationship Issue  (Read 405 times)

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Offline TorterrableTopic starter

Relationship Issue
« on: January 29, 2014, 08:30:59 AM »
Not sure if this goes here, but it seemed like things of this nature could, hypothetically, be put in this kind of place, and besides, this isn't anything big anyways. Just a question.

So I was in a relationship with this girl not too long ago (it was both of our first attempts at having a serious relationship, so it consisted of quite a bit of awkward flailing around). It sputtered on for a few months, then, one night, we talked it over and decided that it would not work. In my opinion, I brought the topic up, but she was the one who uttered the final cut. Again, in my opinion, I feel like it was relatively clean, and that we were both okay with remaining friends and continuing contact after it.

However, after the break, she seems to be avoiding me and generally giving me the cold shoulder. This could just be my imagination, of course, but in case it isn't, how would I go about trying to get her to treat me as a friend rather than...well, as GOTYE put it, "cut[ing] me off"? We were pretty good friends before the relationship, and I regret asking her out; she did warn me that she was afraid it might not work out, but I pushed too hard at the beginning, I suppose.

Anyways, I might not have given enough details, but can anyone help me learn how to become more socially adept on the relationship front? I just want to be friends again; that's all.

Offline Torch

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Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2014, 08:55:37 AM »
Unfortunately, while it's possible for former romantic partners to remain friends after a breakup, it isn't always probable or practical. They are called "exes" for a reason.

If she's not willing or interested in remaining friends, it's best to simply move on. Anything else could be seen as desperate (or even harassing) on your part.

You'll have plenty of other relationships to enjoy.

Offline Moondazed

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Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2014, 09:13:03 AM »
Even when I've been able to remain friends with exes I often needed a bit of time to work through the loss of the relationship.  Give her some time, it seems like you didn't develop feelings for her but that may not be true on her part, and even if she didn't develop romantic feelings she may need some time to reorient herself to the changed situation.  If I were you I would let her know that you'd like to remain friends and are available if she wants to do the same, then leave it alone.

Offline TorterrableTopic starter

Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2014, 10:31:07 AM »
I think I developed feelings for her, but she was the one who ended up saying that "it would not work". Again, I am okay with that, but I'd really like for what happened to be...well...nothing. Nothing regrettable was done (we took it really, really slowly, not even a kiss exchanged), so I was just trying to make it so we could work together again.

I suppose giving her room is not out of the question. I'll try talking to her; that might help. Thank you for your advice.

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Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2014, 11:20:02 AM »
You will have to be patient and give her some space.  She seems to be put off by what happened and may be worried it could happen again or just feel really shy and/or insecure about things.  She may also be worried you could be angry or upset.  Be friendly with a smile or a wave when you see her and let her make a move toward you. 

Offline Valthazar

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Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2014, 12:41:17 PM »
If you want a male perspective, just remember that you can't have the best of both words.  Try to see it from her perspective.  It was her first real relationship, and even if you think it was a clean end, she probably still has some sore feelings about it, which is natural.

Just accept that it didn't work out, and don't continue to bug her if she's noticeably giving you the cold shoulder.  Move on with your life, make friends, and I'm sure you'll find a great relationship in no time.

From experience, more often than not, she'll come back saying hello right around the time you have a new lady in your life.  Don't ask me why, but that always seems to happen.

Offline Shjade

Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2014, 02:56:19 PM »
From experience, more often than not, she'll come back saying hello right around the time you have a new lady in your life.  Don't ask me why, but that always seems to happen.

At a guess, possible reason for that timing: you're "safe." If you're in a relationship with someone new you're not going to try to restart the one you had with her if she starts talking to you again, so it's more comfortable to try talking to you again than when you were still single.

Offline TorterrableTopic starter

Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2014, 03:30:24 PM »
I see. That helps quite a bit...although I don't see a relationship in the near future, I can see why she would want a bit more space. I guess I'll just try to be natural now...

Offline Florence

Re: Relationship Issue
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2014, 04:22:20 PM »
I would definitely just let her have a little space at least. Every breakup I've ever had required me to take a step back and not speak with the person for a while, but I'm still casual friends with one ex, and another is one of my best friends still. Even a 'clean' breakup tends to leave some pain.

If the two of you can't be friends again, its unfortunate, and I know that was one of my worries before I asked my girlfriend out. She's been my best friend for years, and I'd hate to lose her, but you can't always worry too much on things like that. Either you will be friends or you won't, the best you can do is give her some space and let her know that you still want to be friends whenever she's ready.