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Author Topic: Some random joke!  (Read 1438 times)

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Offline Le RandomBlokeTopic starter

Some random joke!
« on: August 13, 2008, 12:34:12 AM »
(Remember this one, it's far funnier when it's told rather than when you read it! Know this from personal experience!)



There was an American, an Englishman and a Chinese man all stranded on a desert island after a terrible plane crash.

The American being the usual loud, bossy American took charge, he stood up on the beach and said "Right you, Chinese man, you go and get supplies, you Englishman, you go and catch some fish, I'll stay here and build us a shelter for the night".

When he saw that the evening was approaching the American looked at the hut he had built out driftwood and palm leaves and thought, "Right, that's great I think I'll go and find the others".

He wandered down the beach looking for them. Just after he walked around the first headland he found the Englishman sitting on a rock, he had caught loads of fish with a simple fishing line he had fashioned out of materials found on the sea shore.

They picked up the fish between them and then they went to find the chinese man, but they couldn't find him anywhere. They were searching for hours until finally they spotted a shallow set of footprints along the beach, they followed these footprints until they noticed them lead into the deep dark jungle. They were following the footprints deep into the jungle, past small streams, over fallen trees and past colonies of monkies...



 suddenly the Chinese man jumped out shouting "SUPLIZE!"

Offline Trieste

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2008, 12:46:25 AM »
Hahaha. Yes! :D

Offline Inkidu

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2008, 07:08:26 AM »
(Here's one for you Bloke, great by the way.)

A Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are on a small passenger plane with about thirty other people.
Well an hour into the flight the plane starts to buckle and sputter. The co-pilot comes back to inform the passengers.
"It seems that we have lost an engine, ladies and gentlemen." he said gravely, "The captain has informed me that we'll crash into the mountains if we don't lighten the load."

"I'm looking for three volunteers to jump from the plane to save everyone else." he finished.
Well everyone sits their quietly for a while then the Englishman gets up goes to the door and shouts, "God save the queen!" and jumps out.
A few minutes later the Frenchman stands up and looks out, "Viva la France!" he shouts and jumps out.

After a while yet the Mexican and the Texan step up to the door, and the Texan shouts, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

Offline Le RandomBlokeTopic starter

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2008, 01:08:26 PM »
Haha, I have a simular one!

A frenchman, a guy from Holland, a Belgian and a Moroccan are on a plane. At some certain point the frenchman stands up and moves to the door, "We have far too much red wine in our country." he says, and throws bottles of red wine outside, smiles and sits back down on his chair. The man from Holland soon follows, "We have far too much cheese in our country." he says, and starts throwing cheese out of the play. Just like the frenchman, he smiles and sits back down.

The Moroccan stands up, "Well, we have far too much carpets in our country!" he announces and starts throwing carpets out of the plain, then sits back down like the rest. Then the Belgian stands up, "We have far too much M-" the Moroccan interrupts him, "DON'T YOU DARE!"

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2008, 05:32:29 PM »
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere

....

* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature
of feminism.  But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2008, 05:42:19 PM »
Seems more like racist jokes, rather than random. I've got a good one about a bus driver. They love hearing this one.

A guy is really horny and he wants to fuck. But he doesn't want to fuck just any woman, she has to be really bomb. So he spies the one he wants, except she's a nun. That doesn't stop him, he starts pestering her and making an ass of himself, but she refuses because she must remain a pure virgin until the day she dies for she is a bride of Christ. He follows her onto a bus and continues his pathetic attempts until he annoys her so much she gets off before her desired stop, and he finally gives up. The bus driver continues driving, but says to him, "You know, you're a real asshole, I think you owe that woman an apology if you ever want to ride a bus in this town again."

The guy agrees, thinking he should do the right thing. He inquires about where the nun went, and the driver informs him that she always gets off at the park to go pray by the statue of Jesus, so she's probably on her way there. The guy then gets an idea and gets off the bus. He goes to a costume shop and buys a loincloth, grinning like an idiot. He then runs to the park and finds the nun bent down in prayer at the Jesus statue, so he puts his idea into action. He ditches his clothes and he fashions a crude crown of thorns from some twigs and comes up behind the nun. "Behold, my child, for I am the reincarnated Lord Jesus Christ."

The nun is in awe and asks why he has approached her. He tells her he has returned just for that one day, to choose another Virgin Mary to receive his child in her womb. She informs him that she is on her period, but she offers him her ass instead, and he accepts. So he lifts up her black robe and starts buggering her. After he blows his load, he finally can't stand the guilt and admits he's just the jerk from the bus. The nun smiles and say, "Oh, that's okay, I'm not really a nun. I'm the bus driver."

Offline wizeguy2182

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2008, 10:29:37 PM »
This is my favorite joke...

One day two coyboys, Slim and Lefty, are camping out on the prairie. Early the next morning, Lefty, answering nature's call, goes behind a bush and starts relieving himself, when he notices that he's peeing on a rattlesnake. The snake reaches up and bites the end of his dick. Lefty hurriedly pulls his pants up and runs back to camp to tell Slim what just happened. Slim says to his buddy, "Don't ya worry Lefty, you just lay down and relax, I'll ride to the nearest town and get the doctor and we'll be back to take care of you." So Slim gets on his horse and rides as fast as he possibly can to the nearest town and finds the doctor in the saloon, but he's too drunk to bring him back to the camp. After explaining what happened, the doctor informs Slim that if he wants to save Lefty, he'll have to make an "X" shaped incision over the bite wound and suck out the poison. So Slim gets back onto his horse and rides as fast as humanly possible back to the camp where his best friend Lefty lay dieing. Slim jumps off his horse, runs over to Lefty, looks him dead in the eye and says, "Lefty, I'm sorry, but the doctor says you're gonna die."

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2008, 11:10:23 AM »
LOL, that sounds like the joke from Norbit, but they didn't do quite as good a job as that. Hm...let's see, what other jokes do I know....give me a while, I'll come up with more.

Offline Le RandomBlokeTopic starter

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2008, 04:51:21 PM »
Seems more like racist jokes, rather than random. I've got a good one about a bus driver. They love hearing this one.

Mine was randomly placed here, others just continued the trend!

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2008, 06:11:29 PM »
Okay, here's a good one.

A state trooper is driving down a country road and comes upon a naked man tied to a tree, in a position where the man is hugging the tree. The trooper gets out and asks the poor naked man what happened.

"Well, I picked up a hitchhiker but that was a big mistake! He pulled a gun on me and made me pull over, take off all my clothes and then he tied me to this tree and took off in my car!"

The trooper smiles, zips down his pants and says, "Well, this just isn't your lucky day, is it, buddy?"

Offline Le RandomBlokeTopic starter

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2008, 12:32:40 AM »
Haha, I liked that one.

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2008, 02:56:16 PM »
Here's another tasteless one:

Two guys are camping together and one goes for water, the other goes for firewood. The water one comes back and the other guy isn't back yet. It's another whole hour before the firewood guy returns and his friend asks him what took him so long and why he has no firewood.

"Well, I found this girl with a smokin' hot body tied to the train tracks. I couldn't resist, I untied her and fucked her eight ways from Sunday, came about three times and I was too exhausted afterwards to carry any firewood back." he explained.

His friend laughed and patted him on the back. "You lucky dog! Did she give you a blowjob too?" he asked.

"Nope." he shook his head. "I couldn't find her head."

Offline The Overlord

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2008, 04:00:34 AM »

OMG...

Offline Inkidu

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2008, 06:08:10 PM »
Hey lets set something straight for the record. My joke wasn't racist. Hell it wasn't even stereotypical. It was historical!  ;D
Not pointing fingers, just pointing it out.

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2008, 06:21:18 PM »
Hey lets set something straight for the record. My joke wasn't racist. Hell it wasn't even stereotypical. It was historical!  ;D
Not pointing fingers, just pointing it out.

Seemed to me like a white redneck stereotype to me, but since George Bush falls under that category, I'll let it slide.

Offline Inkidu

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2008, 06:27:18 PM »
Seemed to me like a white redneck stereotype to me, but since George Bush falls under that category, I'll let it slide.
No. The Republic of Texas ended up kicking the Mexicans out of Texas after the Alamo. It was such a historic battle that whenever they went to fight they'd yell, "Remember the Alamo!"

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2008, 12:08:37 PM »
Whatever. Tell another joke already! I've got a good one, you guys'll probably like this.

Three explorers are in the jungle and are captured by an unknown tribe of natives. They are brought before the chief and an interpreter explains that the three of them are guilty of trespassing on sacred grounds and must be punished. Either by death, or something that the translator cannot translate into English, called 'Boontog'. The first explorer decides that nothing can be worse than death, so he chooses to be punished by way of this 'Boontog'. The chief smiles and claps his hands. "Boontog!" he shouts.

Two sumo wrestler-looking natives approach, and grab the first explorer. They proceed to rip off his clothes and both simultaneously bugger him as he screams in agony, until the chief claps his hands again. The man is bleeding and moaning in pain, but is still alive, and is let go free once he can walk.

The second explorer weighs his options, and agrees that it would still be preferable to death. "Boontog!" the chief claps, and two even larger natives with even larger penises proceed to strip and bugger the second explorer, and by the end, he's not even conscious to moan in pain.

The third explorer is laughing, thinking the two of them were fools. "I see where this is going." he gives the chief the finger. "Two even bigger guys are going to have their way with me since I'm third in line right? Well fuck all of you savages. You can just kill me, there's no way life is worth more than that kind of torture." he sneers.

The chief smiles and claps his hands. "Death! By Boontog!"

Offline ShrowdedPoet

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2008, 01:16:43 PM »
Here's one

Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the \”B\” word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I\’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn\’t even looked for another job. We haven\’t slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

Offline ShrowdedPoet

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2008, 01:18:22 PM »
HOW TO USE THE REBATE TO HELP THE USA

AS YOU HAVE HEARD THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION SAID EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WOULD NOW GET A NICE REBATE.
IF WE SPEND THE MONEY AT WALMART, ALL THE MONEY WILL GO TO CHINA.
IF WE SPEND IT ON GASOLINE IT WILL ALL GO TO THE ARABS.
IF WE PURCHASE A COMPUTER IT WILL ALL GO TO INDIA.
IF WE BUY CLOTHING, IT WILL ALL GO TO KOREA.
IF WE PURCHASE FRUIT AND VEGETABLES IT WILL ALL GO TO MEXICO, HONDURAS AND GUATEMALA.
IF WE PURCHASE A NEW CAR IT WILL ALL GO TO JAPAN.
IF WE PURCHASE USELESS CRAP IT WILL ALL GO TO TAIWAN… AND NONE OF IT WILL HELP THE AMERICAN ECONOMY.

WE NEED TO KEEP THAT MONEY HERE IN AMERICA SO THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP THAT MONEY HERE AT HOME IS TO BUY PROSTITUTES AND BEER SINCE THOSE ARE THE ONLY BUSINESSES STILL IN THE UNITED STATES.


Offline Inkidu

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2008, 01:57:25 PM »
That's a Global economy for you. Though if you go buy a set of metric wrenches in Germany they're made in U.S.A. Go figure. We don't even use metric!

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2008, 02:37:48 PM »
I spent mine paying overdue utility bills...does that help the economy?

Offline ShrowdedPoet

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #21 on: August 18, 2008, 02:39:21 PM »
We spent ours on a motorcycle. . .

Offline Mathim

Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2008, 02:44:37 PM »
What kind? Did the money go to Japan like if you buy a car? Or was it an American thing like a Harley? That'll keep the money inside the country.

Offline ShrowdedPoet

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2008, 02:54:00 PM »
Honda

Offline Inkidu

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Re: Some random joke!
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2008, 03:24:56 PM »
Honda
Well Japan still build its manufacturing plants over here. So it's good to have Americans getting jobs.