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Author Topic: Your favorite jokes  (Read 902 times)

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Offline MizerTopic starter

Your favorite jokes
« on: July 30, 2013, 11:24:15 AM »
I always find it interesting to hear people's favorite jokes or favorite personal stories that make them laugh.  If you can figure out a person's sense of humor, you can get to learn a lot about the person.

So if you're posting something here, indicate whether or not it's a joke or a story that's personally happy to you. 

I'll start it out with a joke my granddad taught me...

The Fishing Trip

Four friends are going on a fishing trip.  One of the min is from Idaho, one is from Nebraska, one is from Florida, and the last man is from North Carolina.  They stop at a gas station and buy supplies and food.  Among the things they buy are a bag of potatoes, a bag of corn, and a bag of oranges.  They're going down the road in their truck when all of a sudden the man from Idaho throws the sack of potatoes out the window.  The men looked at him and said "Well why'd you do that?"  The man said "Where I come from, those things are everywhere.  I was sick of seeing them."  The men kinda nod and go on about their way.  Well this gets the man from Nebraska thinking, and a little later on down the road he throws the bag of corn out the window.  Men say "Well why'd you do that?"  The man said "Where I come from, those things are everywhere.  I was sick of seeing them."  The men nod again and go on about their way.  Well now the man from Florida is thinking and later on down the road he throws the bag of oranges out the window.  Again the men say, "Well why'd you do that?"  Man says "Where I come from, those things are everywhere.  I was sick of seeing them."  Once again the men kinda nod and they go on about their way.  Now the man from North Carolina gets to thinking and later down the road he throws the man from Florida out the window.  Men are shocked, saying "Why did you do that?!"  Man says "Where I come from, guys like him are everywhere!  I was sick of seeing him."

Offline Pipaluk

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2013, 12:50:43 PM »
Perhaps I don't understand your state jokes, but that one went over my head.

I personally am rather fond of this one:

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh no! I forgot to feed the dog!"

Offline MizerTopic starter

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2013, 12:56:43 PM »
Perhaps I don't understand your state jokes, but that one went over my head.

I personally am rather fond of this one:

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh no! I forgot to feed the dog!"

Yeah, sorry.  That one is kinda niche to my state and goes over a lot of peoples heads.  Still forget sometimes I'm not on a small forum with on 10-15 people anymore.  ^_^;;

And your joke is good too.  Took me a while to remember who Pavlov was but now it makes perfect sense.

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2013, 02:46:01 PM »
The early bird gets the worm it's true and very early one morning a robin redbreast chowed down on a veritable buffet of earthworms driven to the surface by the night's rain.  Later, with his stomach full, he fell asleep in a patch of sunlight.  Presently, two cats came along, spied the bird and had it for breakfast.  As they wandered off exploring one cat turned to the other and said:  "I just love baskin' robins."

Offline MizerTopic starter

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2013, 03:58:50 PM »
An anatomy professor welcomes his class into the lab today and on every student's workstation is a human cadaver.  So naturally they put together that this is the day they will learn about human anatomy by dissecting a cadaver.  The professor has one in front of him as well and he says "Today, we will be studying observation."  The professor proceeds to jam his finger up the cadaver's anus, pulls his finger out and then smells his finger.  The professor goes "Okay, now you do it as well."  The students copy the professor and when they all smell their finger, each one of them about pass out from just the horrendous smell of the cadaver.  The professor says "Now if you were all being observant, you would have seen I put my left finger up the body's anus, but I smelled my right finger."

Offline Mathim

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2013, 04:22:17 PM »
LOL, good one. Here's a classic:

A man is having marital troubles with his wife, primarily sexual ones. He consults a sex therapist and, based on his description, the therapist recommends he use a starter pistol to set off an adrenaline rush in him and his wife that will spice up their lovemaking.

The man comes back a day later with bandages all over his crotch and barely able to walk, and looking as pale as a ghost. The therapist is taken aback, wondering what possibly could have happened. The man sits down and explains what the therapist's little suggestion caused to happen.

"Well, my wife suggested we start out with a 69, and I thought, sure, why not, some oral would be nice for a change. Anyway, I fire off the starter pistol to get our juices flowing and all hell broke loose. It scared the shit out of my wife, literally, and she crapped in my mouth for starters, but it also made her bite off my cock! And as if that wasn't enough, a naked man ran out of our closet and jumped out the window screaming "I'm sorry, she didn't tell me she was married!"

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2013, 12:36:03 AM »
Perhaps I don't understand your state jokes, but that one went over my head.

I personally am rather fond of this one:

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh no! I forgot to feed the dog!"

They had to put his dogs down...
They ate a mailman.

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2013, 12:37:57 AM »
The early bird gets the worm

Saying: The early bird may get the worm, but the early mouse is actually the late mouse, and the second mouse is the one getting the cheese

Offline Sasquatch421

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2013, 10:38:54 AM »
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2013, 02:01:37 PM »
A guy comes home from a business trip and finds his wife in bed, a nervous look on her face. He opens the closet to hang up his coat, and finds his best friend standing there, naked. Stunned, he says, "Lenny, what are you doing here?" Lenny shrugs and says, "Everybody's got to be someplace."

Offline gaggedLouise

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2013, 03:29:56 PM »
This is one of my favourite pieces of dialogue, both funny and chilling all in one, but mostly funny. And it's taken from real life, at least it's supposed to be (the claims of the book to have been told by the man it's said to be from have been contested, but I would say the story rings true throughout - also, these lines may have been edited a bit to make the whole thing more cutting, but so what?). The story of two legendary gangsters meeting up close is from The Last Testament of Lucky Luciano,  a flow of memoir supposedly retold to Hollywood producer Martin Gosch after he had bonded with the exile Luciano over an aborted mob film project in the late 1950s. Luciano went on to tell him the story of his life, on condition that it would not get published in any form until at least ten years after his death; Gosch later added a good deal of research of his own, made together with fellow author Richard Hammer. I got to know the book because a friend of my mum who had been to the U.S. as a guest scholar gave her a copy and said "You should read this!" - she never did, but in time I discovered it instead, and finally got a copy of my own.

The background here - and yes, it's told by Lucky himself - is roughly: two of the leading NYC godfathers of the old guard, Joe Masseria and Salvatore Maranzano, were at odds. Masseria was Luciano's chief at the time, but in reality it was a loose bond, Lucky despised the old man and his outdated thinking; he saw himself as the Don of the future. On the other hand he didn't care for Maranzano either, and so far his strategy had been to stay out of the rising confrontations between the two men. Of course Maranzano wanted Luciano as a henchman and ally,. it's much less sure whether he wanted him as a real partner. After long hesitation, Luciano agreed to meet the older man in secret, one on one, a night in late 1929, just a week or so before the Wall Street crash...

"Luciano drove himself to the Staten Island ferry. rode across, and then went to a shipping pier about half a mile away.

"Maranzano was already there, waitin' for me. I got out of the car, we shook hands and he put his arm across my shoulder like he always did, and said "I'm so glad to see you again, bambino." We walked inside this big building on the pier. It was empty and dark. We found a couple boxes and sat down. There was a couple minutes of horseshit talk and then he said "Charlie, I want you to come in with me."
I said, "I've been thinkin' about it."
"Good, good. You know, i always wanted you before and now is a good time to shake hands."
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"But tell me, Charlie, why did you make that terrible mistake and go with Giuseppe? He's not your kind. He has no sense of values." (  ;D )
"Yeah, I found that out."
"Now you are beginning to think over your decision?"
"That's why I'm here." "

"Good. We will work it out together. As I always said before you will be the only one next to me. But, Charlie" - at this point, Luciano remembered as he reconstructed the events of that night, Maranzano's voice and manner lost their velvet and became sharp and dictatorial - "I have a condition."
"What is it?"
Maranzano stared at him, his eyes flat, his voice unemotional. "You are going to kill Masseria."
This was hardly a condition at all, Luciano thought, and he said, "Well. I've been thinkin' about that too."
"No, no, you don't understand. I mean you. Charlie. You, personally are going to kill Giuseppe Masseria."

That condition, Luciano immediately realized, was a trap. In the tradition-laden Sicilian underworld, one cannot kill the leader personally and then succeed to his throne. The killer cannot expect more than a secondary role in the new hierarchy and more likely he can expect to get killed himself in return.
"You're crazy!" He had hardly gotten the words out when something smashed against his skull and he blacked out." ---

I love the deadpan irony of this scene, and in the flow of the lines ("Well, I've been thinkin' about that too" is hilarious in its understated businessman tone, spoken between two top-rank mafiosos about assassinating a third one). The undercurrent is, of course, that neither of them want to admit they absolutely need some sort of alliance with the other guy - or that they really don't care a jot for the other one's well-being. The whole thing goes on for a couple pages, with more unexpected turns, and I absolutely recommend the book.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2013, 06:28:49 PM by gaggedLouise »

Offline Cyrano Johnson

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2013, 09:08:27 PM »
Some of my all-time favourite jokes came from a friend I knew some years back who was industry at a cocktail bar. Most of what made them 'funny' was contextual; in and of themselves they were spectacularly horrible guilt-inducing humour of the "dead babies" variety but usually involving child molestation. (She was a sweet, wonderful and funny person but I got the sense she had lived a challenging life, and from most other people the jokes wouldn't have worked.) Social workers tend to circulate gallows humour of a similar kind, just as cops and firefighters do with events related to their professions.

But this one of her jokes -- also potentially offensive or at least a bit disturbing -- stuck with me and can be funny in other contexts, I think. It's one of my personal faves. (Be warned, though, that if you found my "punching Hitler" post on the recent thread about Nazism tasteless, this will really probably not be up your alley.)

"Potentially offensive Holocaust gallows humour"
A famous journalist is obsessed with interviewing ex-dictators and recording their warped perspectives on their reigns for posterity. After having interviewed every living deposed or exiled dictator she can find, she decides to go beyond the grave, and hires the services of a medium to summon up the ghost of Adolf Hitler.

True to her word, the medium -- after many an incantation -- summons up a ghostly image of the long-dead Fuehrer, and the journalist starts questioning him. They start out with relatively small talk about dietary habits, the Autobahn and such, but eventually she can't help but say:

"Look, I think my readers would like to know. If you had it all to do over again, would you do anything differently?"

Adolf's ghost surprises her by saying, "Ja, ja, absolutely."

"What would you change?" She's thinking: This sounds promising.

The spirit draws himself up, puffs out his chest proudly and says: "I vould kill six million Jews... and one clown."

There's a long silence. Perplexed, the journalist finally caves and says: "Okay, I'll bite. One clown? Why one clown?"

"Ha, you see?!" Adolf crows triumphantly, stabbing the air with a forefinger. "You see?! Nobody cares about ze Jews!"

Some other good ones:

"A Canajun joke, eh? About provincial politics and stuff."
A Newfie, a Quebecer, and an Albertan are walking down a path together. They come across an old lantern, and while they're cleaning off their find, an All-Powerful Genie appears in a puff of smoke and offers them one wish each.

The Newfie says: "My forefathers was fishermen, I'm a fisherman, and my son's gonna be a fisherman. I want the oceans full of fish like they used to be!" POOF! and it is done.

Impressed, the Quebecer says: "Wow, there's something I've been hoping for, too. I'd like a solid wall around the province of Quebec, so nothing can get in." POOF! and the Great Wall of Quebec appears.

The Albertan hesitates a moment, then says: "Before I make my wish... could you tell me more about this wall?"

The genies replies: "It is a mighty wall indeed, puny mortal. Three hundred feet high, fifty feet thick, and made of solid and impenetrable concrete, it completely encases the borders of Quebec, as requested."

The Albertan says: "Great. I wish for you to fill up the space inside it with water."

"This one is from an imaginary Internet friend of mine on another site"
Rene the French fighter pilot and his girlfriend Marie are going on a pique-nique on the banks of the Seine. Being French, they have packed their pique-nique basket full of elaborate foods and drinks, and as they settle down on their blanket under the twilit haze, they've got a feast before them and an evening of romance to look forward to.

As they nibble on some rosbif and dressed beans, Marie looks over at her lover, whose moustachoes in the fading light make him look so virile, and she says: "Kiss me, Rene."

Renee looks deep into Marie's eyes, leans over--but before he kisses her, he sprinkled her lips with some of the red wine they'd been drinking.

Delighted, Marie giggles: "Why, Rene, what aire you doing?"

"I am Rene zee French Fightaire Pilot! When I eat red meat, I dreenk red wine!"

The couple sits comfortably on their blanket, watching the cars and pedestrians move slowly across the pont Louis-Phillippe. Marie coquettishly licks a strawberry, and then, looking at Rene through her eyelashes, unbuttons her blouse. "Rene, Rene, kiss me. Kiss me here, Rene."

Ever gallant, Rene rises to the call--but, before he kisses those magnificent lolos, he sprinkles them with champagne. Then he nuzzles them passionately, with Marie exclaiming: "Oh, you seelly man, what aire you doing!"

Rene lifts his head and declaims: "I am Rene zee French fighter pilot! When I eat white meat, I drink white wine!"

"Oh, Rene!" Marie sighs, with great pleasure, and she leans back in his arms.

The light is falling now, and the couple watches the bateaux-mouches cruise by, idly wondering what sorts of parties are aboard. Laughter from the terrace brasseries on Ile St-Louis drifts down from above, and a student down the quai has begun to play a guitar. Marie is beginning to feel very romantic. Squirming out of her tight leather pants, she says urgently to Rene: "Rene, mon tres cher Rene, kiss me. Kiss me down here!"

Rene twirls his moustache with anticipation. Then he sprinkles her crotch with brandy and lights it on fire!

Marie jumps into the Seine. Treading the filthy water, she screams: "Rene, what zee FUCK aire you doing?"

Rene looks at her in incomprehension. "Mais, Marie! I am Rene zee French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

"Admiral Nelson sets an example for his men. Also stolen from an imaginary Internet friend on other site. I'm stealin' more jokes than Carlos Men-STEAL-ya."
Admiral Nelson wass preparing for the battle of Trafagalar. The lookout cried "A French ship is in sight!"

Nelson said to the Captain of the Victory: "Hardy, bring me my red cape."

"But sir, you'll be a target."

"Yes, but if I am wounded, the blood will not show against the red cape, and so the men will not be disheartened."

The wind freshened, blowing away some of the cloud cover. The lookout cried again: "Thirty French ships on the horizon!"

"Hardy... bring me my brown pants."

"EDIT: Special bonus Palestinian joke from Joe Sacco's book PALESTINE"
Three secret agents, one FSB from Russia, another CIA and an Israeli Shin Bet agent are walking in a forest. They see a rabbit and decide to make a bet to see how fast each of them could capture it.

The CIA guy goes first and comes back with the rabbit with out firing a shot in 10 minutes. So they release the rabbit again.

The FSB guy takes off and returns with the rabbit in even more impressive style, unharmed in only 5 minutes… so it’s the Shin Bet agent's turn.

They release the rabbit. 5 minutes, 10 minutes…20 minutes go by. After 30 minutes, the Russian and the American finally decide something must be terribly wrong and that they need to see what’s going on. They enter the forest, and a few minutes in they hear the sounds of screaming and yelling which they follow to a clearing. 

There they find that the Shin Bet guy has a donkey in a harness who he is mercilessly beating, screaming: “ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT! ADMIT YOU ARE THE RABBIT! ADMIT YOU ARE THE RABBIT!”
« Last Edit: July 31, 2013, 09:18:09 PM by Cyrano Johnson »

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2013, 09:17:17 PM »
Turns out that Carlos Mencia also stole that joke, but in any case he did say something that I truly love about him to the core.

"Whenever you have a joke, if you are unwilling to tell that joke in the presence of the people that it's about you don't EVER HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL THAT JOKE!"

In general though, I myself am a Carlinite.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2013, 09:19:36 PM »
I have given up trying to tell Mr. Oniya jokes.  He'd actually heard the one about the Canadians.  >.<

Offline Cyrano Johnson

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2013, 09:26:47 PM »
Turns out that Carlos Mencia also stole that joke, but in any case he did say something that I truly love about him to the core.

"Whenever you have a joke, if you are unwilling to tell that joke in the presence of the people that it's about you don't EVER HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL THAT JOKE!"

Heh. That's a very good point.

I'll wrap up with one more:

A priest, a rabbi, an imam and an atheist walk into a bar.

They say "ouch."

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2013, 09:38:33 PM »
Nice! But no need to wrap up on my account.

Offline Sasquatch421

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2013, 09:50:06 PM »
THE Marine Corps Version of Genesis 1

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well... not everybody can be a Marine!

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2013, 10:11:02 PM »
But on the 8th day, [...] God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine.

And this folks is why we're in the crapper! So they can get us out and extol their virtues.*

*This is no fault of the marines, they're workin' with what they got

Offline Cyrano Johnson

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2013, 10:22:33 PM »
Oh! Oh! I've got a jarhead joke:

"Please don't hurt me"
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

Bah-dump! TSSH! They're here all week, try the rations.

EDIT: Oh! Oh! One more:

"The US Marines are a fine service and I respect them deeply"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What the Hell difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If you're an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you're Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If you're a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells. If you're an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

"And if you're a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
« Last Edit: July 31, 2013, 10:31:24 PM by Cyrano Johnson »

Offline steelsmiter

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2013, 10:36:18 PM »
that second one is horrible-ly hilarious!

Online Sara Nilsson

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #20 on: August 02, 2013, 12:15:15 AM »
 Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #21 on: August 02, 2013, 01:29:33 AM »
Show me an apartment after an earthquake, and I'll show you A flat diminished.  ;D

Offline Rogue

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #22 on: August 02, 2013, 01:37:09 AM »
Show me a military officer in that apartment complex and I'll show you A-Flat Major.

Offline gaggedLouise

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Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #23 on: August 03, 2013, 10:35:10 AM »
Heard on a talk radio debate program, a listener calling in about experiments with mobile phone chips tagged to the ears of lab mice, to look into cancer risks and so on:

"I don't get why anyone would toss money at this kind of experiments. What's the point of providing a mouse with a cell phone? How many buddy mice does he have he could call up and talk to?"

 ;D ;D (and it was all the funnier because he kept his lip stiff about that twist, he really sounded like he thought it was a viable point about mice)

Offline MizerTopic starter

Re: Your favorite jokes
« Reply #24 on: August 04, 2013, 11:09:08 AM »
Oh military jokes?  Okay, I got one.

A soldier in Iraq receives a letter from his girlfriend.  The girlfriend says that she is breaking up with him and she wants all his pictures of her returned.  Instead of getting angry, the soldier decides to get even with her.  He goes around to every soldier in the base and asks them if they have any pictures of girlfriends/wives that they don't mind losing.  By the end of the day he's got a sizable pile of around 80 pictures, all of girls of various shapes and sizes in various states of undress.  He loads the pictures up into a box and sends the box to the girlfriend with a letter reading "Don't know which one is you.  Remove all pictures of yourself and return the others."