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Anti-Game LegislationOkay, if you don't know anything about a subject, you're the last person who should be talking about it.Wow, video game violence causes real life violence. I'm sure you have loads of undeniable evidence and research to back that up.Wait... You don't?Well, at least all the experts agree with your point of view, right?No?Then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING?!Damn, there's not a day that goes by that I don't see someone in a position of authority saying something remarkably stupid about games.Except replace the phrase "remarkably stupid" with the phrase "mind-numbingly, skull-f&%$ingly retarded".You don't know shit and, quite frankly, you're embarassing yourself. Take a step back, breathe deep, and accept that you're an idiot.
VerbatimBefore we get started, I should give you a little warning. This is the product of an actual conversation between a friend and I while we were drinking. Heavily.Though the material discussed is of a fairly adult nature, I'm going to try and distill down the major points so the post should remain work safe. I am going to be using a few words that might throw up some flags so proceed at your own risk.Also, though the material deals with the nature of sexuality, our discussion was purely theoretical and should not be taken as judgmental. I'm cool with everybody.There. I think that covers all my bases.Oh yeah... Don't do drugs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _So last night, I went out drinking with my friend Brad.Yes, the same Brad from my review of the movie Wanted.I decided to continue being friends with Brad because:a) very few people can actually stand my rantingb) I routinely make poor decisions.Anyway, we're drinking pretty heavy. I'm not sure exactly how much we drank, but this morning I found a note from my liver telling me to go screw myself.Yeah.As seems to be a pattern to nights when Brad and I go drinking together, the conversation just starts getting stranger and stranger as the night went on. We had some rousing discussions on movies and also debated the finer points of the donkey punch.Don't Google that.So, it's getting particularly late and we're both pretty much gone. We're at that point where you're actually trying to decide if it might just be easier to die rather than moving.That's when Brad started talking about lesbians.That happens a lot.Suddenly, an epiphany occurred to me. A thought that had never once occurred to me in all my many years.[GM]Dave>> How do lesbians know when they're done having sex?My mind was blown.The following is an exact transcript of the actual conversation that occurred:Brad>> What do you mean?[GM]Dave>> When lesbians are having sex...[GM]Dave>> How do they know when it's time to stop?Brad>> Holy shit!Brad>> How do they know?[GM]Dave>> When a guy's involved there's a definite sign.[GM]Dave>> It's like nature gave us a flare gun.[GM]Dave>> "That's it, folks. Show's over. Nothing to see here."Brad>> Some shows are shorter than others.[GM]Dave>> Is that why your girlfriend looks so despressed all the time?Brad>> ...Brad>> ... Yeah.[GM]Dave>> Ouch.Brad>> Maybe they have a signal or something.[GM]Dave>> Like what?Brad>> I don't know.Brad>> Like a hand signal.[GM]Dave>> ...[GM]Dave>> Let's just move on from that idea, shall we?Brad>> That's probably a good idea.[GM]Dave>> Maybe they just get bored.[GM]Dave>> You know, they do their thing and then it just peters out.Brad>> Maybe they get tired.Brad>> It's all hot and bothered, and eventually just turns awkward.[GM]Dave>> Directing lesbian porn must be extremely difficult.[GM]Dave>> They just roll camera until they run out of tape.[GM]Dave>> Or someone gets dehydrated.Brad>> What if they both want to stop, but are afraid to say anything.[GM]Dave>> Damn.[GM]Dave>> They don't want to spoil the mood so they roll with it.Brad>> They'd never stop.[GM]Dave>> See, men at least have a nice bookend to the whole thing.[GM]Dave>> There's very little confusion involved.Brad>> Lesbians don't have that.Brad>> They could just keep going and going...[GM]Dave>> ...[GM]Dave>> We have the best conversations.Brad>> I know.Brad>> ...Brad>> Did you see that new Batman movie yet?I really wish I made this up.I also wish this was the weirdest conversation Brad and I have ever had.Sigh... I need new friends
The [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity AwardA little over a week from now, a new Star Wars film will be released in theaters. The new film will be done entirely in CGI and will take place between episodes II and III.This is a brilliant idea.Do you know what hardcore fans love?When you totally experiment and mess around with their beloved classic.Did we learn nothing from Episodes I through III? Have we been too subtle with our criticism?Like Episode I... What the hell was that?Maybe the huge Star Wars fan base would enjoy it if we completely destroyed everything they held dear.No? They didn't like that?That's okay. We've got two movies left.Episode II. This episode is best known for making greater use of the two most important robots in Star Wars history.Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.Let's take the deep and compelling love story between Darth Vader and his wife and turn it into a bad episode of Dawson's Creek.The fans will have to lov... No?Really?Damn.It's cool, though. We've still got one movie left.Episode III. The original title of this episode was supposed to be Episode III: Oh crap, we've got to tie this shit together somehow.Still, it has a dark ending. The fans will have to like...Dammit.Now, what can we do to fix this problem? We could go ahead and make episodes 7 through 9 like we always promised.No, no. George doesn't want to do that so he can focus on other projects.George, I think it's time to let that go. Star Wars is your project.Star Wars is your only project.That's okay.We're not all waiting for Tiger Woods to stop golfing so he can start an acting career or some shit.He golfs. That's cool with us.Just make more Star Wars movies, George.Oh hey, instead of making episodes 7 thoruh 9 and maybe, possibly resurrecting the franchise that you so thoroughly drove into the ground, let's make Episode 2.5.And let's make that motherf--ker all CGI.Who doesn't love CGI?Inside sources have told me that they are working on a game related to the movie. In the game, you will be able to actually go back in time and physically rape your younger self.Probably on Hoth.The game will be released on the Wii, PS3, and the Dreamcast.Why no Xbox360?Screw you. That's why.Lucasfilm didn't get where they are today by listening to popular opinion, logic, or anyone with a single grain of sense left in their brain.Honestly, I think the entire operation has boiled down to a drinking game called "let's see how bad a movie we can make and still rake in a bajillion dollars."And thus, for their unending, tireless work to decimate one of the most loved film franchises in history, I hereby give the [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award to the makers of Star Wars.Die in a fire.
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