The darkness within, the darkness without. There are many ways to describe the darkness. A never-ending tunnel with no light at the end. A hole so deep that there is no hope of ever climbing out. A deep thick fog that never lifts. All just outward reflections of the darkness within my soul, in my heart, I every corner of my mind. It seeps into me, into every corner of my being, like a plague. I often wonder what the point is of all this, why am I even here, and move importantly, why do I keep on living. Then, I look over to her crib, and for a brief moment the room seems to brighten just a bit, she turns to me and makes one of those adorable gurgle sounds that babies make. Her face lights up and she smiles at me, raising her arms upward, pleading to be held.
Instincts quickly kick in, I find myself going to her and pulling her up into my arms. I cling desperately to what little light she brings to me, to what little hope she gives. She is so small and so delicate, she needs to be protected, to be loved, but am I enough. I have no idea what kind of life I can possibly hope to give to her, provide for her, will her needs be met, will her wants be filled. Maybe another family, a whole family, not a broken one like mine, could do better, she deserves better. As she settles into my arms, she falls back asleep, and I know, deep down in every inch of my being, I could never give her up. Maybe that is selfish of me, but she is the only light in my dark, the only good in my life and to extinguish that, to send it away, would snuff out any reasons I have left to not take my own life.
So instead, I decide once again, as I do every day, to battle on, to fight the darkness. I lay her gently down into her crib, and I stand over her, watching her sleep, wishing I could sleep as peacefully. I need her to live, and she needs me, so together we will find a way to make this work, to survive.